REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: New Faces, Old Drama

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We had a fresh new face on Sunday’s Real Housewives of Orange County, and no, I’m not talking about the annual “renewal” these women go through. We actually had a real new face in the form (and I use that word as grotesquely as possible) of Peggy Tanous. She’s the new blondie on the block, and here’s what we know about her: she loves shooting guns; she loves dressing like a discarded White Snake groupie; and she loves one-upping Alexis — and for that alone, she earns major points. So far she hasn’t done anything too remarkably awful or offensive, but the season is young, and it doesn’t take long for fresh faces to dirty up.Truth be told, there wasn’t much happening on this latest episode. Gretchen was still smarting about being called a princess. I don’t know why she took it to heart, but it was clearly still irking her; so she chewed out her assistant Shawna politely, telling her that in the future, she better have her back in such situations. Once again, a small piece of me died as I realized for a second week in a row that Gretchen may just be turning awful.

Over in Tamra land, she once again delighted in being sassy — first by flirting with her beautiful Brazilian friend and then by throwing around the word “BITCH” left and right in that way that only annoying cougars can. It was all self-empowerment until she suddenly began crying, which is nothing new. Methinks most housewives in Orange County ride the same roller coaster of emotion every day. Tamra at least ended the episode strong by alerting Alexis that her husband was just as controlling as Simon. Alexis of course denied this all, but Bravo amusingly intercut plenty of footage that seemed to say otherwise. And thus yet another small piece of me died as I realized for the second week in a row that Tamra was becoming the voice of reason.

Vicki meanwhile headed up to Seattle with her kids where she extolled the virtues of insurance and pretty much spent the whole time shouting “WoooHOOO!!!!” In the middle of it all, a guy caressed her arm, causing Briana to freak out, but it was nothing to be that scared about. It was about as harmless as someone petting a little horse. Not saying that Vicki looks like a horse. I mean, people have said that, but I’m not. Is it getting hot in here?

Lastly, we had Alexis, or “Bev Cleaver,” as she calls herself. Not sure who Bev Cleaver is, but I’ll just assume she’s June Cleaver’s questionably educated, conveniently religious, happily controlled, slutty-dressing sister. Alexis spent the episode getting shat on, first by Peggy (whose one-upsmanship was previously lauded — even if she lost in the child star department) and then by Tamra (whose analysis of Jim was also previously lauded). The good news for Alexis is that she’s showing some minor independence now. She wishes to start a dress line, and clearly she had to rely no WFTWJW, which of course stand for ‘What Floral Tablecloth Would Jesus Wear?'” Yes, I fear for the poor seamstresses that will need to bring Alexis’s drapey Golden Girls visions to life.

Anyway, here’s the photocap:

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“I’m trying to build an empire; so it’s important that you don’t refer to me as a princess but rather an empress.”

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“Would a princess eat bacon? I ask you that. Because I’m going to eat this. And I deserve it after the crap night of sleep I got last night. Was there a pea under the mattress or something?”

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Shawna: “Aw, that’s a good dog. Stay still, honey. You’re such a little princess.”
Gretchen: “How dare you! HOW DARE YOU!!!”.

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“Check out my wine opener. Hope it doesn’t make the Merlot smell fishy. Sometimes I like to stick it in… FRESH SALMON. Hahahaha. And my vagina too.”

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“I think you’ll find the Pinot Noir tastes particularly lovely in the TJ Maxx novelty wine glasses.”

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“I’m divorced. Wah.”

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“You know, you’re a really ugly crier.”

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“I’m actually not crying. I just have a piece of HOT in my eye.”

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“I’ve always been told to enter a hotel vagina first.”

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“Insurance makes me… SO… happy. I’m sorry. I’m getting emotional. I cry every time I see the Geico lizard.”

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“I wish Donn were one big insurance policy. Oooh, I’m getting horny now!”

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“Woohoo!! Insurance party!”

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Peggy: “My kids just started talking.”
Alexis: “Mine were talking two weeks ago. They can do ABCs.”
“Mine can do ABCs in Spanish.”
“Mine can do them in Catalan.”
“Mine are dual citizens in America and ALL Spanish countries.”
“Mine are actually joint ambassadors to Spain.”
“Mine live in Spain and just opened a renowned tapas restaurant called ‘Besos.'”
“Mine actually review tapas restaurants in their spare time and gave ‘Besos’ only a satisfactory grade.”
“My kids don’t care about the mainstream media, and to show their indifference, they came up with the idea of pronouncing everything with a ‘th’ sound, and in that way they are folk heroes to the Spanish people.”
“My kids actually built a time machine and met Goya, who painted a mural of them and called it ‘The Greatest Folk Heroes Spain will EVER Know.'”
“I think Picasso — yes, it was Picasso — saw that mural and then made a cubist version of it called ‘But then came Peggy’s children, who are even more folk hero-ier than we could have ever imagined.’ It’s at the MOMA.”
“My children have an honorary membership to the MOMA. And it was given to them by JESUS.”
“My kids–“
“JESUS! Do you hear me??? JESUS!!!!

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“Count to thirty for Mommy. C’mon, count to thirty. Count to thirty. DAMMIT CHILD COUNT TO THIRTY BEFORE I EXCOMMUNICATE YOU!!!!”

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“I like this gun. It makes me look extra down-market.”

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“I just obliterated that target. And by ‘target,’ I mean ‘sense of style.'”

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“BRIANA! There’s a BOY! And I think he likes INSURANCE! He’s a keeper, sweetie!!!!”

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Guy: “I like your skin.”
“Thanks! I exfoliate with INSURANCE!”

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“I am so happy! It’s like I’m getting a big warm hug from INSURANCE!”

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“This room better come with air conditioning because it’s gonna get hot in here on account of all my HOTNESS, which I have. Of course, it’ll just feel normal to me because I’m already so HOT. It’s like when people say ‘Let’s get hot and sweaty,’ I’m always like ‘Don’t you mean NORMAL and sweaty?’ Because I’m HOT!”

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Tamra: “I farted.”
Alexis: “Yeah, I know.”
“It was a HOT fart.”
“Great.”
“I just melted the mat to the floor with my HOT GAS.”
“Okay, that’s enough.”
“IT’S LIKE A GODDAMN BLOW TORCH COMING OUT OF MY LADY KILN.”

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“Excuse me, sista, but Jim does NOT control me! Oh wait, Jim told me not to comment on his behavior. Sorry.”

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“I’m launching my own line of dresses. I’m calling it Jesus by Jesuseé.'”

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“Have you ever noticed that if you hold your hand like this, it sort of looks like a candy cane?”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on the new girl?

26 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: New Faces, Old Drama”

  1. Obviously I just got home from vacation and am catching up on my TiVo and my interwebs (hence the five or so comments I have made here today).
    Vicki- honey, seriously… The WOOHOO thing has GOT TO STOP!!! It’s played, sistah… SO PLAYED! Time for a new catchphrase… Please! I just can’t handle it anymore.

    1. I was thinking the same thing about the whoohoo. It’s funny b/c in last week’s episode at Tamara’s party Vicki was annoyed with how loud Gretchen was but she was so much louder and more annoying in Seattle.

      1. I agree with both of you. And the sad thing is I don’t even watch the show (I just read the re-caps), and when I read about the “Woohoo” I’m glad I don’t watch.

  2. Who else just wants to punch Vicki in the face? I can’t imagine what her poor children have gone through all these years………. And then there’s poor Donn. I sure hope he gets a lot of moola from her.

  3. London & Capri? Did Peggy name her kids for the places they were conceived? Meet my kids – Coffee table and Kitchen counter.

    And did anyone else think that Tamra’s Realtor® look eerily like Simon?

    hb

    1. Sooooo funny! I wanted to punch the TV screen when she said those names! Your names are much better.

  4. seriously, i know i’ve said it before, but i’ll say it again: these women are living out a beyond gauche notion of what it means to be glamorous, wealthy and fabulous and they are coming off as tacky, shallow and incredibly small minded. the icing on the cake? the moronic names they choose for their children! capri? london? how about melania – the moniker chosen by alexis *and* nutso theresa from new jersey? what are the chances that two low-rent women, dreaming silocone dreams from under-financed mcmansions on opposite coasts, would choose the same eastern european name for their non-eastern european children??? those similarities are striking enough. it’s like they think that by naming their children something “exotic” sounding that suddenly they are soooo klassy. i bet when melania trump first came into the public eye ~5 – 7 years ago, these women were flipping through magazines with their lee pressed on nailes on their byzantium collection by sears divans and read the name and immediately thought:”melania. mel-ahhhh-kneee–ya. yes, yes that’s the name. that’s the rich name i will name my rich child thereby indicating our richness.” nouveau riche idiots.

  5. First off — AMAZING recap!!! The ‘Bev Cleaver’ description and WFTWJW are priceless and the Peggy and Alexis dialogue is hysterical. Completely captured the ridiculousness of that scene — I imagine the Spanish people and Jesus are proud.

    Secondly — Am I the only one that was COMPLETELY creeped out by the whole insurance boondoggle Vicki arranged??? Do all of those people work for her and they were all sleeping in the same hotel suite and beds? What was up with the young guy in his undies and Vicki smacking his ass in the morning? I mean I have definitely thrown back a few cocktails with the people I work with/for but NEVER would that whole weird rooming situation fly. Super weird.

  6. I like Tamra’s hot friend more than Peggy (whose name certainly does not match her children’s in the glamour department, no offense to those with the same name). They should have made her a cast member.

    I JUST learned the full, official name of Gretchen’s line is “Gretchen Christine Beaute (pronounced Beauté)”…that level of pretension only works on Sheree, honey.

  7. Gretchen has some of the worst skin eruptions under that caked on makeup I’ve seen in a long while. What a great ad for her makeup line!

  8. Gretchen has ALWAYS been awful. Apparently she’s just not putting quite as much effort into hide it these days.

  9. Wretchen’s skin looks like it caught on fire and she tried to put it out with an icepick–and now she’s caking makeup on to cover it up. She’s really ugly I think–she’s got that big, broad moon of a face (complete with man on the moon bumps).

    Tamra’s crocodile tears are annoying–in fact she is annoying and would be the most annoying one on the show if it were not for the fact that Jesus Barbie takes the cake as the most annoying, self-deluded idiot of all of them.

    This franchise has never really recovered from losing Lauri and Jeanna. All these bitches that are on the show now are just despicable nincompoops.

    BTW–I love this blog–long time lurker and reader but first time poster. Love the comment here too.

    1. I just discovered the comments today and had to come out of lurkerville to praise the almighty B-Side.

      This is better than watching the show!!!

  10. I hate to tear someone up because of acne. I am surprised Pro Active hasn’t gotten ahold of her yet but geez guys, what should she do?

    And I wish Tamara would just go away. far far away so I don’t have to watch her try to become the focus of each and every scene. Why else would she go to lunch with this one and work out with that one, house hunt and bitch all the time. She has no investment in anyone but herself. And next week she does the one thing that will make Simon hunt her down and take her out.

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