We had a fresh new face on Sunday’s Real Housewives of Orange County, and no, I’m not talking about the annual “renewal” these women go through. We actually had a real new face in the form (and I use that word as grotesquely as possible) of Peggy Tanous. She’s the new blondie on the block, and here’s what we know about her: she loves shooting guns; she loves dressing like a discarded White Snake groupie; and she loves one-upping Alexis — and for that alone, she earns major points. So far she hasn’t done anything too remarkably awful or offensive, but the season is young, and it doesn’t take long for fresh faces to dirty up.Truth be told, there wasn’t much happening on this latest episode. Gretchen was still smarting about being called a princess. I don’t know why she took it to heart, but it was clearly still irking her; so she chewed out her assistant Shawna politely, telling her that in the future, she better have her back in such situations. Once again, a small piece of me died as I realized for a second week in a row that Gretchen may just be turning awful.
Over in Tamra land, she once again delighted in being sassy — first by flirting with her beautiful Brazilian friend and then by throwing around the word “BITCH” left and right in that way that only annoying cougars can. It was all self-empowerment until she suddenly began crying, which is nothing new. Methinks most housewives in Orange County ride the same roller coaster of emotion every day. Tamra at least ended the episode strong by alerting Alexis that her husband was just as controlling as Simon. Alexis of course denied this all, but Bravo amusingly intercut plenty of footage that seemed to say otherwise. And thus yet another small piece of me died as I realized for the second week in a row that Tamra was becoming the voice of reason.
Vicki meanwhile headed up to Seattle with her kids where she extolled the virtues of insurance and pretty much spent the whole time shouting “WoooHOOO!!!!” In the middle of it all, a guy caressed her arm, causing Briana to freak out, but it was nothing to be that scared about. It was about as harmless as someone petting a little horse. Not saying that Vicki looks like a horse. I mean, people have said that, but I’m not. Is it getting hot in here?
Lastly, we had Alexis, or “Bev Cleaver,” as she calls herself. Not sure who Bev Cleaver is, but I’ll just assume she’s June Cleaver’s questionably educated, conveniently religious, happily controlled, slutty-dressing sister. Alexis spent the episode getting shat on, first by Peggy (whose one-upsmanship was previously lauded — even if she lost in the child star department) and then by Tamra (whose analysis of Jim was also previously lauded). The good news for Alexis is that she’s showing some minor independence now. She wishes to start a dress line, and clearly she had to rely no WFTWJW, which of course stand for ‘What Floral Tablecloth Would Jesus Wear?'” Yes, I fear for the poor seamstresses that will need to bring Alexis’s drapey Golden Girls visions to life.
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“I’m trying to build an empire; so it’s important that you don’t refer to me as a princess but rather an empress.”
“Would a princess eat bacon? I ask you that. Because I’m going to eat this. And I deserve it after the crap night of sleep I got last night. Was there a pea under the mattress or something?”
Shawna: “Aw, that’s a good dog. Stay still, honey. You’re such a little princess.”
Gretchen: “How dare you! HOW DARE YOU!!!”.
“Check out my wine opener. Hope it doesn’t make the Merlot smell fishy. Sometimes I like to stick it in… FRESH SALMON. Hahahaha. And my vagina too.”
“I think you’ll find the Pinot Noir tastes particularly lovely in the TJ Maxx novelty wine glasses.”
“I’m divorced. Wah.”
“You know, you’re a really ugly crier.”
“I’m actually not crying. I just have a piece of HOT in my eye.”
“I’ve always been told to enter a hotel vagina first.”
“Insurance makes me… SO… happy. I’m sorry. I’m getting emotional. I cry every time I see the Geico lizard.”
“I wish Donn were one big insurance policy. Oooh, I’m getting horny now!”
“Woohoo!! Insurance party!”
Peggy: “My kids just started talking.”
Alexis: “Mine were talking two weeks ago. They can do ABCs.”
“Mine can do ABCs in Spanish.”
“Mine can do them in Catalan.”
“Mine are dual citizens in America and ALL Spanish countries.”
“Mine are actually joint ambassadors to Spain.”
“Mine live in Spain and just opened a renowned tapas restaurant called ‘Besos.'”
“Mine actually review tapas restaurants in their spare time and gave ‘Besos’ only a satisfactory grade.”
“My kids don’t care about the mainstream media, and to show their indifference, they came up with the idea of pronouncing everything with a ‘th’ sound, and in that way they are folk heroes to the Spanish people.”
“My kids actually built a time machine and met Goya, who painted a mural of them and called it ‘The Greatest Folk Heroes Spain will EVER Know.'”
“I think Picasso — yes, it was Picasso — saw that mural and then made a cubist version of it called ‘But then came Peggy’s children, who are even more folk hero-ier than we could have ever imagined.’ It’s at the MOMA.”
“My children have an honorary membership to the MOMA. And it was given to them by JESUS.”
“JESUS! Do you hear me??? JESUS!!!!“
“Count to thirty for Mommy. C’mon, count to thirty. Count to thirty. DAMMIT CHILD COUNT TO THIRTY BEFORE I EXCOMMUNICATE YOU!!!!”
“I like this gun. It makes me look extra down-market.”
“I just obliterated that target. And by ‘target,’ I mean ‘sense of style.'”
“BRIANA! There’s a BOY! And I think he likes INSURANCE! He’s a keeper, sweetie!!!!”
Guy: “I like your skin.”
“Thanks! I exfoliate with INSURANCE!”
“I am so happy! It’s like I’m getting a big warm hug from INSURANCE!”
“This room better come with air conditioning because it’s gonna get hot in here on account of all my HOTNESS, which I have. Of course, it’ll just feel normal to me because I’m already so HOT. It’s like when people say ‘Let’s get hot and sweaty,’ I’m always like ‘Don’t you mean NORMAL and sweaty?’ Because I’m HOT!”
Tamra: “I farted.”
Alexis: “Yeah, I know.”
“It was a HOT fart.”
“I just melted the mat to the floor with my HOT GAS.”
“Okay, that’s enough.”
“IT’S LIKE A GODDAMN BLOW TORCH COMING OUT OF MY LADY KILN.”
“Excuse me, sista, but Jim does NOT control me! Oh wait, Jim told me not to comment on his behavior. Sorry.”
“I’m launching my own line of dresses. I’m calling it Jesus by JesuseÃ©.'”
“Have you ever noticed that if you hold your hand like this, it sort of looks like a candy cane?”
What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on the new girl?