REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Time For A Ho’ Bath

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We managed to go a few weeks without seeing big Jim Bellino on The Real Housewives of Orange County, but on the latest episode, the producers trotted him out in all his boorish glory. I had forgotten how repulsive he was, but thanks to an obnoxious weekend trip to San Diego, it was all coming back to me Celine Dion style (ie. I imagined myself trapped in a giant mansion with flowing drapes and ghostly images of Jim Bellino haunting my every moment). Yes, Jim is awful in that old-fashioned, chauvinist way, and what’s worse is that he manages to excuse it all by finding justification in selective Bible references. Actually, what’s truly worse is that Alexis puts up with it.

Then again, for someone like Alexis, it’s easier to blindly hitch her (big bosomed) wagon onto someone else’s ride than focus on the vapidity of her life. With Jim, she’s taken care of. She doesn’t have to think. He makes all her decisions, and she cheerfully goes along with it, investing her energy into him and the kids rather than whatever emptiness has brought her to this place. Naturally, this is conjecture — I’m only reacting to what I see on screen. But what I see is pretty awful.Where to even begin with these two? Well, their whole story this week was that they just needed to get away. From what? I’m not too sure. Nevertheless, they hopped into two cars (TWO CARS — one for Alexis, kids, nanny, luggage, and another for Jim and more luggage) and drove all the way to San Diego for the weekend. Let me alert everyone that driving from their home to SD takes all of about an hour. Plus, even more amusingly, they checked in at the Rancho Bernardo Inn, which is twenty minutes north of the city. This was hardly an epic trip, and yet Alexis still managed to pack TEN BAGS for the family. TEN BAGS!!! With all that luggage, you would have thought the family was embarking on a Griswold-esque trek across the country, not a jaunt down the highway. Alexis justified the excess by saying that people normally bring two bags when they travel anywhere, which is true, but that’s generally for flights across the country. AND for adults. This woman has three toddlers. Just stuff their tiny clothes into one big Dora The Explorer bag and be done with it.

Anyway, the Bellino convey soon headed down to the resort and upon arrival, Jim decided it would be great fun to humiliate his wife for packing so many bags. Against her protests, he made her pose with the mountain of luggage, which notably was missing only one bag: that belonging to the nanny. Way to go, Jim (he was on car-loading duty).

Nevertheless, this whole scene with the photo and the luggage bothered me in many ways:

1) There really was too much luggage.
2) If Jim was embarrassed by his wife’s excess, why didn’t he make her edit prior to departure?
3) What husband humiliates his wife like that?
4) Why didn’t Alexis put her foot down and say “NO, don’t take a photo of me.”
5) Seriously, there was too much luggage.

Well, eventually the Bellino gang moved their baggage into their cottage where Jim made a few random executive orders (ie. demanding the ouster of a chair — wtf?) before going off to play with the kids. This left Alexis alone to unpack all ten bags herself. Maybe next time bitch will consolidate.

Anyway, the general theme of the vacation was “Jim chills, Alexis works.” I felt bad for the girl, but at the same time, it’s a role she’s taken on herself, and quite frankly, I think she enjoys being servile. Again, it seems like it distracts her from actually having to use her brain once in a while.

Eventually the couple escaped to La Jolla where Alexis thought she’d receive a sparkly reward for her dutiful behavior as a wife. Yes, the two marched into a jewelry store, but instead of landing that diamond ring she’d had her eye on, she left with nada. Don’t start applauding Jim for being frugal though. He bought himself two watches for upwards of $27,000. And yet when Alexis tried on a diamond ring, he belittled her and her penchant for jewelry.

This led Alexis to tell us that she was in fact Jim’s greatest accessory. And who wouldn’t look good next to her, she said, gesturing to her hair, face, and boobs. That’s what you call ambition, folks. And yet I’m sure Alexis would balk at the notion of being called a trophy wife (even though she just referred to herself as an accessory). Aside from the way she objectifies herself, the saddest part about Alexis is the way she prioritizes appearance and material objects in her relationship with Jim. Not long after making the “accessory” comment, Alexis clucked that Jim was such a great husband because he told her how hot she was all the time and bought her gifts. There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, but quite frankly, I’d place “emotional connection,” “honesty,” “fun,” “soul mates,” or pretty much any other fundamental attribute higher than “he thinks I’m hot” and “he buys me things.”

The woman, I’m afraid to say, may just be an idiot.

I’m loathe to say this, but perhaps Alexis should take a page from Slade and Gretchen. I still don’t like Slade very much at all, but in the couple’s defense, they do seem to enjoy each other. Gretchen doesn’t praise Slade because he tells her she’s hot and buys her stuff (we all know the latter is most certainly NOT true). She instead talks about how much fun they have together and, well, the great sex. I’m not sure I want to think about Slade “putting it in,” (as they say on Jersey Shore), and I’m not sure Peggy wanted to hear about it either, but she did on a shopping trip with Gretch and Alexis. I sort of enjoyed Peggy this episode, especially her continued rivalry with chronic one-upper Alexis. However, just when I was floating into Team Peggy, the whole homeopathic scene came up with her mother-in-law. You know, vitamins are great. Holographic bracelets that are programmed via computer to reduce aging are not.

Let’s talk about this woman. I forget her name, but she had this remarkable way of spewing nonsense. She compared skin aging to potatoes oxidizing. NOT THE SAME. Then she announced that her own skin was so great because she was being treated with stem cells from an apple in SWITZERLAND. You can’t make this up. Even crazier was that Peggy managed to get through this scene without laughing. Then again, her face is so frozen that I’m not sure such acts are possible.

As for the rest of the gang, Vicki made only a brief appearance to berate a contractor, and Tamra spent the whole episode teasing out her new boyfriend Eddie, who she claimed was the hottest thing ever. I’ll give her credit: he wasn’t ugly, and for a woman her age, she certainly did nicely. But this wasn’t the second coming of Antonio Sabato Jr. or anything.

Oddly enough, the two closed out the episode by having sex in her bathtub. I was kind of surprised at how exhibitionist they were being, but then I remembered that this was Tamra we were talking about. She’d show whatever was necessary if it meant that Simon would get jealous. Nothing better than passive-aggressive bathtub sex revenge.

Here are some pics from the episdoe:

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“It’s ME! The Princess! DON’T EVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN, BITCH.”

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Peggy: “Uh oh. My full body Botox treatment just seized up. Alexis, would you be a doll and give me a good thwack? Sometimes I just freeze. I call it ‘Mannequinning.'”

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Gretchen: “Would you believe that SHE called ME a PRINCESS? What a horrible thing to have said THREE MONTHS AGO.”

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“I wonder why I’m the only one who dressed up like Hanukkah gelt.”

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Gretchen: “All I’m saying is that I’m not a princess.”
Alexis: “God is good.”
“I mean, I have a tiara, but I’m not a pricess.”
“Jesus loves you.”
“I tried really hard to get away from that princess image, and the fact that you keep bringing it up, even though it’s really ME who keeps bringing it up, is really hurtful.”
“God forgives all.”
“I’m not a princess.”

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“Why you staring at my mullet?”

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“I’m so impressed with this glass. Normally it just MELTS in my hands on account of how HOT I am. I AM the HOT housewife after all. And now I have a HOT boyfriend. We’re just one ball of CALIENTE-NESS when we’re together.”

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“Kids, mommy needs you to behave. Just kidding. You can throw a tantrum if you want. This way I can focus on you rather than the dark emptiness of my life.”

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“You know what my face needs? DNA from a peach in Luxembourg.”

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“As a businesswoman, I wear MANY hats.”
Slade: “You know, honey, you don’t have to literally wear many hats.”
“Oh.”

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“Oh look at my husband humiliating me in front of strangers again. Isn’t he great? Hahahhaa.”

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“Jim, I can’t believe you forgot the nanny’s bag.”
“She’s a woman. All she needs is a bikini during the day and a blanket at night. Now get me my toast.”
“Oh honey! Hahaha.”

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“I can’t tell which watch I want more. Heck, I’ll get them both. $27,000 is no big deal.”
“Jim, maybe I could have a diamond.”
“Okay, dear. Step away from the diamond.”
“It’s only $500.”
“Hey, here’s $3. Go get yourself an ice cream cone.”
“Okay! Hahaha!”
“But don’t eat it. You don’t need to gain the weight. Just buy it and then throw it out.”
“That’s a really good plan. What did I do to get such a great husband?”

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Alexis: “I really like this diamond.”
“Too bad. I just bought a third watch.”

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Jim: “Hey Alexis, what do you think about my age inappropriate outfit? I look pretty cool with my hat backwards, huh?”
Alexis: “You look hot!”
Nanny: “Idiotas, lololol.”

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“Now I’m the CALIENTE housewife. They may come younger, but not CALIENTE-ER!”

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“Has anyone ever told you you look like a Latin version of David from last season’s Apprentice?

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“Careful, snookums. Don’t want you to burn your lips off on my cheeks. I’m so very CALIENTE. Like TAPATIO but in human form!”

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“Slade, you’re getting fat.”
“Whatever you say, princess.”
[GASP]

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“Hop in quick. We don’t have much time before all the water evaporates away on account of me being the HOT housewife, WHICH I AM.”

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“Oh, Eddie. DID YOU LEARN THOSE MOVES AT BASS LAKE???”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Eddie? Thoughts on Jim?

30 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Time For A Ho’ Bath”

  1. The bathtub scene was disturbing, but the best part was Eddie gulping down that glass of wine and then eyeing the camera crew with such uncertainty. You could tell he was totally thinking “You guys are gonna leave now, right? RIGHT?”

    After the episode, on WWHL, Alexis called the whole scene soft porn – that probably pissed Tamra off to no end!

    1. It looked to me like he gulped the wine so that he could bring himself to deal with her va-jay-jay (as Oprah would call it.) There was definitely some major chemistry with the guy that they had drinks with at the beach. I think Eddie wants publicity, but definitely doesn’t want to deal with a vagina long term. I’m sure he almost vomited! yuck!

      1. I so agree with you (Tina Carina) and you had a nice way of putting it.
        Tamra is such a ho-bag and all I can think about is where is kelly Bensimon when we actually need her? Tamra is really the disgustingly (cringing everytime I see her opening sequence) worst trashbag of all the garbage bags called Real Housewives.
        Excuse me while I go and hurl away….

    2. Tamra is so disgusting. I can’t stand to see teenagers making out in public, let alone a 42 year old over-botoxed ho. how nauseating can someone be! Does this woman ever think of anyone other than her crotch. She has 4 children, one of which is a 20 something son. Jeesh, she is a delusional mess. She is definately NOT the hottest housewife in OC and Eddie needs some serious orthodontia work.. He got a Neandrathal look about him.

      Alexis is my fave this season…. and the most normal (and best) looking of the botoxed bunch.

  2. Simon has nothing on Jim Bellino. He is without doubt the most sexist, selfish, obnoxious (and let’s not forget physically gross) house husband of the entire franchise. I really hate this guy. And I hate that Alexis bows down and makes excuses for him. She is equally detestable for not only condoning his bullshit, but encouraging it. And what’s with the blessings? I think this guy actually thinks he is God. And I think she does too. I will be very curious to see if these two actually make it. And I have a feeling that they will, because she so pathetically adores his money and the lifestyle it provides. If he didn’t have money, she would so not be with this asshole. Who does she think she’s kidding? Give me a break.

    1. I don’t think they’ll last. Alexis has the spotlight and some income, and is exposed to women who aren’t concubines. She’ll wise up.

      How much of an asshole was Jim to their little boy! What would Jesus do, Jim? Oh, I know, tell your small son who desperately wants time and attention from you that you would rather have a suitcase in each of the four seats in your car than have him sit there. A loving father, indeed.

      1. I was waiting for someone to make that comment. How about when they drove up beside him to wave hello? Remember he bribed his son to get in the other car by telling him that they would drive next to each other? Did he wave? No, he scowled and raced ahead so he wouldn’t have to acknowledge their existance. And also when his wife asks him to take a daughter on the zoo ride he responded by calling his son over. He just wont let her have her way in any way, shapre or form. Asshat! The great Jiminator must dominate!!!

      1. I thought the speeding away thing was an asshat move, too! How hard would it be to honk & wave at your kids? It’s the kind of thing that would’ve been really fun for little kids like his. I did love the part where their son was shooting daddy as he sped off – lol – I actually think Alexis enjoyed that, too; well she commented on it at least… are you shooting daddy? Give that kid a real gun!

        Vicki is looking really rough this season… girl needs some microdermabrasion or a clarisonic or some sort of injection into her pock marks. And Tamra looks like she’s about to eat her boyfriend’s face off in the picture above from dinner… obsessed much?

  3. From everything I’ve read….Jim Bellino is up to his butt in debt and their house in a short sale for quite a bit less than what they paid etc etc. Yet, he buys two watches. Reminds me of Sheree. He is gross. Inside and out and when he runs out of money his wife will run too. I agree with Bside….this guy thinks he is god.

    Gretchen is a bitch and a total narcissist. Slade should have put her on the bike rack to muffle that horrible cackle after every sentence and insult. And who goes shopping dressed like that? I mean really, check out her outfit. I used to like her a little…but this season I can’t stand her.

    1. LynneB, I so agree. Gretchen is really pissing me off. What a total nag. She really thinks her shit doesn’t stink and I’m starting to feel sorry for slade. She also needs to lay off the botox. Her features are now a cross between an alien and a transvestite. Then ya add those big teeth and she’s a mess. I just want to yell at her to just SHUT UP!

  4. I loved that Jim of Nazareth would not buy Alexis the ring because “it might cut the children”. Excuse me? You mean the children you don’t even want in your car?? No son, you can’t ride with me because the luggage is way more important. I need it to berate your mother later.

    hb

  5. first, doesn’t anyone think of the children??? why must there be such systematic (i pay a royalty on that word to kelly b-s) humiliating of children. bathtub nonsense on national tv is just cruel and demonstrates a lack of parental care, boundaries and skills. tamra, who needs to holster that thing, had her awfulness exemplified in so many ways, not the least of which was the nasty PDA during tapas with Marcos. Mildly hysterical: when Eddie and Marcos greeted each other, it struck me that there may have been a fire sale at the D-Bag Shirt Depot located just east of South Coast Plaza. When they greeted each other it was like “hey “dumb shi(r)t, meet dumber shi(r)t.” and jim is just another awful moron. the watches? you missed your house payments so you could buy stupid looking watches? not even jesus can help you out of that financial pickle. idiots.

  6. Jim is a bufoon. I think that Alexis is strange looking with her duck lips and her way-way-too long Rapunzel extensions but, she can do much, much better than him looks-wise. He has brainwashed her into thinking that she is lucky to have him, but really he should be worshipping her. If the only thing holding them together is $$ then it will be interesting to see how all of this plays out once he blows his savings on watches.

    While Gretchen’s laugh gives me the creeps, she and Slade (can that really be his real name?) do seem to have good banter between them. But, (I know I am going to sound like Vicki) when do they work? I don’t get it. At all.

    And the bathtub scene–too much. Just too much skin. Too much forced sexy voice. I don’t know. I think Tamara is trying waaaaaaay to hard to convince herself that she is fine. That she is past the whole divorce thing. But I just think that scene was way too graphic with the blurred out boobs. So weird to think about her young children seeing that.

    Oh, and Tamra and the boytoy meeting T’s partner for drinks? Awkward. Again, I feel like she was just trying way too hard to show us and Simon “Look at me. I am kissing a man. And he’s not my husband.” Yes, we get it, you have a boyfriend. It may be a new relationship to her, but the concept of having drinks with a boyfriend has been around for many years. I felt bad for the third-wheel guy. The phone conversation made it seem like Eddie was inviting T to join Eddie and the friend and T made it all about her as if the friend crashed her date night. It was annoying to me.

  7. I’m pretty sure Tamra’s boyfriend is gay. His attitude was not that of someone who is unnerved by the presence of a camera, but rather by the presence of a vagina. The banter with her trying to be sexy and him repeatedly asking (nervously) if she was naked was uncomfortable to watch.

    I only recently started watching this series of the franchise. How does Jim have money? His IQ seems so low.

  8. I felt like we had a therapy breakthrough in the second paragraph with the stuff vs emptiness revelation. So sad. But just like she could do better looks-wise (which is also shallow), as long as he has money, he’ll pull wool. Wait, is that the saying? My point is she wants him for money, he has money to get looks and treat her like crap.

  9. How about Gretchen berating Slade for eating carbs and calling him Tubba-Wubba? She is gross! It’s been mentioned before but I wonder if she has or has had an eating disorder.

  10. Vicki – still hitting all the uggh notes – No speakie the Spanish? Ok, bitch, how about just asking the foreman to translate. I do not speak Spanish very well at all, but you bet your truffle hunting face I would not be doing the pigeon spanish shit at them. Those bannisters can be “fixed” to go while you duck walk your always working ass down the stairs, you heiffa.

    Tamra – really? That desperate to show Simon how fine you are that we have to watch you perform a tonsil inspection followed by a bathtub bang with your boy toy? And he looked so thrilled to be banging you on national TV. Jaysus…

    Gretchen – get over the princess comment and get over the need to tell us how Slade is doing his job in the bedroom. We know… At least your banter seems real.

    Peggy – the competitive one upmanship with JesusJugs is funny (“I can do my husband and fold clothes with my vayjayjay”…”:well, I can make lunch for the kids while swinging the pole for my husband”). But all that face work for a guy that looks like the guy you would regret accepting a drink from at a bar?

    Alexis – God, how can you make me loathe your dumb ass when last week I was sort of on your side with Tamra? Jim, as always, is an Ed Hardy jackass of the first order and that chinless bitch would have driven his dumb ass right back home to get that suitcase. And photographing the inside of his throat if he tried that stunt with me. But I would not be such a vacant hole as to marry such an asshole. There is nothing that pretty in a store that would make me put up with a selective bible passage spouting douchebag. You win the idiot of the week, Alexis – congrats!!!

  11. Haha! Great recap!

    Boy Bellino: Dad, could I ride with you?
    Jim: No, that seat’s reserved for Jesus and the nanny’s luggage.
    Nanny (Later): Where’s my luggage?
    Jim: Jesus needed the room…

    I still miss the old cast of RHOC but these ladies are SO ridiculous, they almost make up for it LOL

  12. CANNOT STAND the Bellinos and their holier than everyone BS. What a horrid, horrid couple of people.
    Gretchen needs to get over herself ASAP — she is turning into a complete bitch. That shopping outfit was the dumbest thing I ever saw and the way she treated Slade almost made me feel bad for him. She is not all that.
    Tamra in the tub was disturbing.

  13. Whats wrong with Vicki’s face? she needs to find a better base makeup she looks like its plastererd on cakey and the wrong color! Trashy Tamera needs to get a job and put some clothes on. Wasnt that Simple Simons BFF at one time? and Jim is like a 70s swinger type all he needs is a baby blue leisure suit and a members only jacket. UGG!!!

  14. I really like Tamra, i am happy for her! I have been in lovelesss relayshs, so i am vey very happy for her.

  15. I can’t believe other people got the gay vibe from Eddie (Tamra’s bf) too! Tamra found herself a nice looking gay boy who wants a little fame. Good for him. And great for me…I hate the bitch and it makes her look sooooo stupid and desperate. Yay!!!

  16. I think they were “pretending” to buy those watches for the cameras……let’s see the receipt. I would love to hear some feedback from some of the crew who have to film these idiots.
    As far as the Tub scene, I just felt pity for the whole crew and Eddie for being forced into getting naked and pretending to have sex with Tamra….He was prob wishing he had a barrel of Ramona’s Pinot Wine just for emergencies like this one………..

    Can we please get some real housewifes again that are not just Brittle Botoxed Barbie Wanna=Be’s???? I dont want to buy a handbag or makeup or insurance….I dont need to be bapitized by Father Jim…….Can we make up a new rule that the Housewife’s can’t plug any products during their seasons????????? Hello Bravo they should be paying u for commercial time…

  17. Whats wrong with Vicki’s face? she needs to find a better base makeup she looks like its plastererd on cakey and the wrong color! Trashy Tamera needs to get a job and put some clothes on. Wasnt that Simple Simons BFF at one time? and Jim is like a 70s swinger type all he needs is a baby blue leisure suit and a members only jacket. UGG!!!

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