REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI PHOTOCAP: ¡Reunion Caliente! (as told by inanimate objects)

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We’ve seen a lot of trainwrecks on Bravo. Heck, the network was built on trainwrecks. But pretty much nothing comes close to the mess that was last night’s Real Housewives of Miami live reunion show. First off: some minor bitching. Bravo decided to couch the reunion into a Watch What Happens episode, and for those of us who don’t DVR that show, we got majorly screwed when no reunion show recorded. Luckily, I managed to catch a later airing of the reunion, but if I had to nominate JACKHOLE of the week, it would be Bravo for being sneaky in trying to snag viewers into their WWH web.

Lingering resentment aside, the reunion was a total mess. In some ways I loved it. But in most ways, I found myself just shaking my head. Host Andy Cohen looked overwhelmed, often staring at the women with a look of total befuddlement… much as the rest of America most certainly was. It was kind of hilarious.

The good news is that these women came ready to fight. They knew the buzz on their show was bad, and they wanted to make a royal bid for a second season. Adriana practically announced this when she noted that if all the other women had been as fiery and dramatic as her, the show would be doing better (note to Adriana: you were actually quite boring on the show). Nevertheless, Adriana came to the reunion with guns blazing, particularly towards Cristy, who she called a man and accused of giving blowjobs to a nineteen year old who may or may not have been her stepson. There was so much yelling and cross-talk, it was hard to figure out what the hell was going on. If it wasn’t Adriana and Cristy, it was Lea and Cristy. And if it wasn’t Lea and Cristy, it was Marysol and Larsa. And if it wasn’t them, it was everyone.

I literally can’t remember much of what happened because it was such an overwhelming influx of fighting. What I do remember is that every time things would get really good, Andy would interject to say that nothing was getting resolved anytime soon; so let’s just move on. Booooo! Let the bitches go at it, Andy!

Even worse, there always seemed to be a commercial break anytime things were getting really good, and whenever we’d come back, Andy would announce that we’d just missed some amazing accusations. [Shaking fist at the heavens] THIS is why we need everything pre-taped. There’s too much content that gets lost in a live show.

That being said, even though the reunion was a total clusterfuck, it was ten times better than the miserable show MTV put on for Jersey Shore last week. That light-as-air, highly edited, audience-sweetened (ie. clapping and laughter added in during postproduction) hour was a total waste of time and reminded us how on point Bravo is when it comes to asking pointed questions and eliciting strong responses. MTV, take notes.

Anyway, since there were no images of the reunion posted on Bravo’s website, I relied on my tried and true backup plan: recreating the affair with random things around my apartment. Enjoy:

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“Hey everyone! It’s me, Andy! We decided to do the reunion live. What could go wrong?”

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“YOU GAVE YOUR NINETEEN YEAR OLD STEPSON A BLOWJOB!!”
“I HAVE A BOUTIQUE!!”
“A BOUTIQUE FOR MEN? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE!!!”

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“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s settle down, women. How about we say hi to everyone. Hi Adriana.”

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“Hi, Andy.”

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“Hi Marysol.”

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“Hi Andy.”

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“Hi Lea!”

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“Hi Andy. I guess I’m the mayor of Miami. How fun is that??”

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“Hi Larsa.”

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“Hi Andy! Nice blazer. See? I’m a positive person!”

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“Oh my gosh, Cristy. I hate Andy’s blazer.”

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“Hi Cristy.”

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“That right there was like the most laughing moment for me all season.”

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“Okaaaaay… and lastly, hi Alexia.”

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“You know, I am going to just sit here quietly for the next forty-five minutes. My husband Herman is always like, ‘Alexia you have to be quiet,’ and I say ‘Yes, I know,’ but you have to understand I see it from both sides, and so for me, it’s like I can tell what people are–“

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“Great. Well, we’re not going to resolve that anytime soon; so let’s move on.”

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Andy: “Is everyone cozy here in the Bravo Clubhouse?”

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“It’s like I can’t move my arms we’re packed in so tight.”

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“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN, AND YOUR PENIS IS TAKING UP TOO MUCH ROOM!”

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“I AM NOT A MAN!”
“YOU ARE A MAN!”
“CAN I FINISH?”
“WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR??”
“CAN I FINISH??”
“WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR? YOUR MAN MIRROR!?!!”

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“I think it’s great! I love being cozy! We’re so close I’ll be able to see when these bitches stab me in the back. Ha HAA!!!!!”

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“I’d like to interject that if my sons designed this set, we’d have more room. And I say that because I’ve raised my sons PER-FECT-LY.”

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“Bitch.”

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“YOU’RE THE BITCH. I’M POSITIVE AND PERFECT!”

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“CRISTY IS A MOTHERFUCKING MAN!”

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“Okay guys. We’re on LIVE TV.”

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“Andy, this is the laughing-est moment for me of the season because Adriana doesn’t know what live TV means.”

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“I KNOW WHAT LIVE TV IS!!”
“YOU DO NOT!”
“I KNOW WHAT LIVE TV IS!!!”
“YOU DO NOT!!!”
“WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR??? WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR?”

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“Hey guys? Guys?”

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“Marysol, your mother is wonderful, but she’s a total BITCH!”

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“You were provoking her.”

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“WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR???”

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“I, like, have a boutique.”

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“A boutique? How fun is that??? Does it sell excuses?”

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“I don’t get it.”

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“Is it one of those boutiques where customers buy an item and pay for two-thirds of the price five weeks later? That seems to be your way of conducting business. Ha HAAAA!!!!”

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“Lea, that is the most laughing moment of the season for me because I paid you.”

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“DID YOU PAY HER IN MIRRORS? WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR?”

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“I DON’T HAVE A MIRROR!”
“ALL MEN HAVE MIRRORS. AND YOU’RE A MAN!”
“THAT IS THE MOST LAUGHING MOMENT OF THE SEASON FOR ME!”
“YOU GAVE A NINETEEN YEAR OLD A BLOW JOB!”
“THAT IS LIKE THE MOST LAUGHING MOMENT OF THE SEASON FOR ME BECAUSE IN CASE YOU DIDN’T SEE, I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDSSSSSS, OKAY? I CAN GIVE THEM BLOW JOBS INSTEAD.”

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“Guys. Guys.”

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“Ladies, we are all beautiful. And I am the most beautiful. See, I’m positive! Unlike that bitch ELSA PATTON.”

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“Guyyyssssssss.”

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“LIAR!”

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“I don’t lie!”

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“Not YOU. HER.”

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“I don’t lie! I swear on all the money the Pippens most CERTAINLY HAVE AND HAVE NOT SQUANDERED ON POOR BUSINESS DECISIONS SUCH AS $5 MILLION GULF STREAM JETS THAT DON’T WORK that I do not lie!”

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“That is like the most laughing moment of the season for me because I thought you and Scottie had wasted $5 million on an airplane that you never flew once.”

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“Cristy? Why would you say that?”

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“BECAUSE SHE’S A MAN, AND MEN ALWAYS SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!”

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“I AM NOT A MAN!”
“WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR??”
“I AM NOT A MAN!”
“WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR?”
“I HAVE A BOUTIQUE!”
“I HAVE A GALLERY!”
“WHERE’S YOUR ART??”
“WHERE’S YOUR MIRROR??”

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“Guys, can we–“

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“How fun is THIS? Ha HAAA!!!”

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[sniffle sniffle]

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“Marysol, do you want a tissue?”

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“I’m not crying. Just sniffling. I literally have no more tear ducts left in my face. Or wrinkles! WIN!”

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“That’s because your mother is a bitch. Growing up, she probably served you frozen food, whatever that is.”

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“Alexia, what do you have to say about the situation?”

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“Honestly, I have a lot of things to say because–“

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“Great. Let’s take a break.”

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V.O.: “It’s a Bethenny Ever After birthday unlike any you’ve seen before!”
Bethenny: “Oh my God. I hate birthdays. Shoot me now.”

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“Seriously, I want you to just stab me. Stab me with a knife and cut my head off. I hate birthdays.”

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“[sobbing] I hate birthdays! I hate them!!! I don’t want to be rude to Jason or his parents, but I hate them!! I can’t have people looking at me like this!!! I’m sorry. I’m SORRY! I know Jason tried to be giving. I know! But I hate them!! SHOOT ME NOW!!!!”

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“And we’re back! You guys just missed sooooo much in the break. Larsa accused Marysol of murdering Natalie Holloway–“

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“Hurtful.”

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“But true.”

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“And Cristy did in fact find her mirror.”

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“That was like the most laughing moment for me of the season because the mirror was right behind me.”

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“What do you have to say about that, Adriana?”

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“Nothing really. I just wanted to know where her mirror was. That’s all.”

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“You seemed to be getting fired up.”

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“Yeah, well, maybe if the other women got fired up once in a while, our season wouldn’t be sucking.”

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“Haha. I don’t know what you’re talking about. You guys are doing great! Is it hot in here?”

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“It’s so funny you say that because I was just thinking that it was getting hot, and you know, for me when I get hot–“

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“Great. Let’s take another break.”

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V.O. “It’s a Top Chef reunion like no other!”

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Elia: “I think Tom sold out. He only uses corn-fed beef.”

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Tom: “Heh.”

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“He doesn’t use fresh ingredients.”

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“Heh.”

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“He only cares about fame and money now.”

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“Heh.”

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“Why are you laughing?”

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“Because I WILL DESTROY YOU.”

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“We’re back!!! I think thing are going great so far!”

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“That’s what they said about the Titanic too! Ha HAAAA!!!!”

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“Listen, I don’t want to fight. Even if Cristy IS a man who gave a blowjob to her nineteen year old stepson, I want to open my heart to her and say something very important–“

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“Great, great. Well, it looks like this won’t be resolved anytime soon–“

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“No, we’re going to resolve it right now.”

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“Awesome. Well, we’re out of time! Thanks everyone for a great season! I look forward to hearing about you guys! (Note that I didn’t say anything about a second season)”

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“And I’d like to add one last thing–“

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“You have fifteen seconds.”

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“Oh wow. Everyone’s been cutting into the Alexia time, and I’m like, I understand that there are things people need to say, but you know, I have things to say too, and now I only have a few seconds, but that’s okay. That’s life, you know? And what I really must tell people is that–“

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“Goodnight everyone!!!”

What did you think about the reunion? Should Bravo go live with the reunions again?

19 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI PHOTOCAP: ¡Reunion Caliente! (as told by inanimate objects)”

  1. I am excitedly waiting for the Bravotv web site to put up the after show. I expect knives and blood. And I love your characters, Christy the pig… what is that?

  2. Your forgot to add the best thing about Miami, Elsa. You could have used a bowling ball for adorable Elsa.

  3. Your recap was hysterical! I like the inanimate objects better than the real people. Though with all that botox, they are inanimate themselves. I thought Andy looked like a deer in the headlights and within 5 minutes he realized he made a MAJOR error in judgment by having a live reunion. And we missed the best part during the commercial break! I am so glad that horrible Christy didn’t get a chance to plug her boutique during the season. She is a horrible human beinglike. Scotty Pippen must spend an awful lot of time away from home because I can’t imagine anyone actually living with Larsa. Even if she is peerrrfect!

  4. I had no intention of watching the show last night, but I turned the TV on and it was already there and after about 2 minutes I could NOT turn away. I just wish they captioned it, because there was a whole lot of craziness there that I couldn’t keep track of. What do you bet they’ll come out with a “director’s cut” of it in a week?

  5. That was clearly the low point of Andy Cohen’s career. He was shvitzing within minutes of the start of the show and it was all downhill from there. What about Larsa’s continued insistence that she was “just a happy person” as an excuse for her repeated comments about her own perfection? Homegirl knows she is the most hated housewife of ALL the franchises. On the upside, the reunion may have been enough to guarantee Season 2.

  6. I think you need to have a new ‘JACKHOLE of the week!’ winner along with comment of the week post. Would be awesome – and you clearly have plenty of material to start with this bunch.

    I thought Andy was going to have a heart attack and/or soil himself during this thing. There was genuine panic in his eyes for the entire hour. And holy moly — Lea apparently noticed how crazy her jubblies looked all season, covered them and then got the WORKS done. She looked like a different person. As for the rest of them, they came off as a bunch of nutters. Alexia should be glad she never got a chance to say anything, thus saving herself the humliation of being lumped in with these idiots.

    Loved the additions of the commercials — Celery Bethanny and Feather Duster Elia were hilarious!

  7. I laughed when Andy commented that the ladies where sitting on new Jonathan Adler chairs. Really Andy?! The only thing missing from this back alley cat-fight was buckets of mud for them to throw and you are pimping out Adler.!?@*^

    I curious B .. what household item would you use for Elsa.?

    hb

  8. They need to bring this cast back. They have so much potential but got shafted by Bravo. Everything from the promotion all the way to the reunion was rushed.

    It was hilarious seeing them all go nuts last night. It was like they were told that they only have 1 hour so everyone had their claws sharpened.

    I was indifferent towards Adriana during the season but I was totally Team Adriana last night. She chewed Christy’s head off.

  9. I LOVE it when Andy is the smiley face shot glass, I’m thinking the objects that you chose for house wife were better than the real pics.

    Larsa. girl is hiding something, shes all, I love my kids, I’m a nice person, your mother was bothering me, Elsa must have hit close to home and Larsa is a bit of a bully but Christy, she never shuts up, and never listens, but her portrayed as the pig, wtf is that on its head?

  10. The reunion show or whatever was great. I even googled Christy Fernandez! I hope the have another season especially now that we know them. I have to have more Elsa, she was so right about Larsa. Larsa is very emotionally imature and of course she worries about men or man she should.
    Your recap is truly awesome a classic.

  11. I posted on Andy’s blog last night to never, ever do a reunion live b/c we missed all the really juicy stuff during the commercials. It was irritating.

    Did anyone else catch how there was some confusion when Andy asked Marysol about what work her mom has had done? The feisty art gallery girl didn’t understand and started talking about how she is retired and all that. She didn’t understand that Andy was referring to work as in plastic surgery, not employment. Funny.

  12. I think Jerry Springer would have been better suited to moderate this reunion. Just to be clear….

  13. I thought the reunion was absolutely awesome in it’s dysfunction. I really hope they bring this cast back for another season. I just can’t get enough of all the Christy and Larsa bashing, those two women are horrible.

    I love the rest of the cast. Adriana finally became the hot mess we always knew she could be.

  14. Note to Larsa: people who are really nice and really positive don’t have to go around telling people how nice and positive they are.
    Me thinks thou doth protest too much.

  15. I was going to bed and turned on the tv for a few mins and saw the WWHL that was on after the reunion and they were still fighting and it was a hot wonderful mess. Why could they not do that all season?

    I love when these women are such nasty bitches and then when they read the publics reaction to them on blogs, etc., they suddenly try to backpedal at the reunion shows.

    Jill Z, Camille and Kyle (after being so mean to Kim all season) come to mind and now it’s Larsa.

    And on a totally other topic re housewives, what the heck has Caroline from NJ done to her hair?

    Love the recap and the little piggy thing whatever it is.

  16. Oh this almost made me pee my pants………the “pig” was classic. btw i have one too and it is a lighter…………this was way better than wasting a hour of watching screaming woman and a scared Andy. YOur commercials were off the chart funny…….

    Maybe if they had done a lil more of this in the beginning and less of the stupid cooking parties then they would have had a real reunion show………………..

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