REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI PHOTOCAP: The Drama Finally Arrives Just As The Season Ends

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Because of some non-blog related work I was dealing with last week, I fell behind with all my photocaps, and while some I just won’t get around to, I wanted to send off The Real Housewives of Miami properly. After all, who knows if we’ll see them again? The season was universally panned, and while the reunion airs tonight, I don’t have high hopes for it. For the first time ever, the entire shebang will be live, which means that we’ll probably get stuck with a lot of awkward pauses and fewer sparks than we’d actually like. The benefit of having Andy Cohen tape this stuff ahead of time is that the group can sit on those big couches for hours on end, allowing the producers to cull enough pointed material to ideally make a decent reunion. I’m not sure Andy will be able to wring the same drama out of these ladies that he might have been able to over the course of a long afternoon.

In fact, that Bravo isn’t investing a full day’s worth of taping (and consequent editing) suggests that maybe the network simply doesn’t have faith in this show. Maybe they just want to get this reunion over with and move on. The sad part is that while Miami has been more or less a dud, it finally upped its game in its last episode. Larsa Pippen blossomed into the über-bitch we always knew she could be, and for the first time all season, I was fired up. If only Bravo had started with this episode…

Basically, the season finale was the Larsa show. There was some stuff with Alexis and her hot son and Adriana and her not-so-hot lovah, but really it was about Larsa being a total and complete bitch (all the while thinking she was being awesome). It all started at some nondescript fashion event that resulted in Adriana strutting around in a bathing suit. This caused Larsa and her banshee entourage (which consisted of Cristy and some other lady) to snicker behind the Brazilian’s back and make the sort of catty comments that you’d expect insecure middle school girls / basketball wives to make. Larsa was clearly jealous of Adriana’s body and confidence, and thus spent the rest of the event scoffing at her rival.

Later, we headed to Marysol’s luncheon, which admittedly was a bit underwhelming. Her husband Philippe basically prepared some sous-vide salmon from a pouch, which I’m sure tasted fine, but was a bit lacking in flair. Lea had a great attitude about it all, noting that this was a perfectly fine example of a meal that a working woman on the go could use. Larsa, however, doesn’t quite understand the concept of “working woman” and thus balked at it, turning her nose up at the frozen fish before informing us that she’d never actually had frozen food before. LIES.

Nevertheless, I admit that I too would have been a bit nonplussed by it all, but I don’t think I would have been an ass (my friends might disagree). Larsa, however, was on a mission to start a fight though. When she met Elsa, she immediately challenged her for a reading. Larsa claimed she didn’t really believe in psychic abilities, and yet there she was, still asking about her future anyway.

Elsa muttered something vague about Larsa being worried about a man, and this of course sent Lars into a tizzy. She seemed both insulted by the reading and totally unmoored by perhaps its accuracy. Either way, Larsa went into nervous defense mode, not only shooting down Elsa’s theories but prattling on to us about how RUDE Elsa was to have not said something friendly first. Talk about emotionally needy: this stupid woman needs people to flatter her first before saying anything vaguely critical. Actually, I think she just needs people to flatter her. That’s it.

Well, if Larsa truly didn’t believe in a psychic’s ability, she would have just nodded politely and been on her way. In fact, even if she DID believe what Elsa was saying, she should have done the same thing. Instead, she became all prickly, which I suggested on Housewives Hoedown was the result of her being offended that her carefully-constructed appearance of perfection was being challenged.

Anyway, the ladies all sat down to lunch, and Larsa kept pushing for more readings from Elsa. This could only lead to bad things. Did these women learn NOTHING from the Allison DuBois fiasco on Beverly Hills? Well, Elsa told Larsa that she was emotionally immature, causing our favorite outspoken dame at the table, Lea, to cluck “Well, who knewwwwww???” This was followed by “That’s why you get along so well with your kids!” And in turn this was followed by Lea’s patented giggle while Larsa sat there as if she’d just sucked on a lemon for two hours.

Larsa absolutely could not believe she’d been called emotionally immature — an accusation she refuted by then saying Elsa was threatened by her being younger and cuter than “everyone else.” A fine display of emotional maturity there.

Larsa then reiterated to the table that she didn’t believe in psychics, and when Elsa asked why she wanted a reading, she replied “I just kind of wanted to be AMUSED.” Look, I don’t believe in psychics either, but that response was condescending, obnoxious, and in its petty passive-aggressiveness, EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE.

There was plenty of back and forth after that, and finally Elsa reiterated for the millionth time that she wasn’t a psychic but just someone who feels VIBES about people. Larsa then did something extraordinary: she both rejected the notion that one could sense vibes and at the same announced that SHE could perceive vibes — perhaps just as good if not better than Elsa. It was the most bizarre thing. Her competitive nature just couldn’t let someone else be better at something that she herself had claimed she didn’t even believe in. Of course, we now must wonder the extent to which Larsa doesn’t believe in psychics. Sounds like she trusts them more than she might let on.

And am I seriously treating this like a true academic exercise?

The point is that Larsa is full of it and is totally obnoxious. And better yet: the episode didn’t end there.

After the luncheon, the ladies went back to their lives, and a few days later, Larsa met with Cristy to hash out the whole messy affair. Larsa just could not believe the audacity of Elsa to make such personal judgments (which again, Larsa ASKED FOR). Even more offensive to her was that Marysol didn’t intercede and tell her mom to shut up. I’m sure Marysol would have, but let’s be honest: she was enjoying Larsa getting grilled as much as everyone else.

Anyway, fast forward to later in the episode: Lea had put together one last luncheon for the girls. It required a two hour limo ride to a humid, organic farm, and by the time these hungry bitches arrived, all they wanted to do was eat. But alas, they had to pick their own veggies and prep their own food, all while dressed to the nines because Lea had amusingly told everyone to wear white gloves and hats. It was a divine prank, and great revenge for all the uncomfortable, awful dinner parties that Lea noted she’d had to endure.

In the middle of this mess was Top Chef regular Michelle Bernstein, who was on hand to help pick some edible flowers and sautée some mushrooms. I agreed with Alexia who felt it was a waste of a great talent, but at least Alexia had the simple manners to be polite and friendly during the whole mess. Larsa, on the other hand, complained the whole time. When Chef Bernstein handed her a flower to taste, Larsa sneered, “I’m good, thanks.” To be fair, Adriana was bitching also, but one got the sense that she was merely uncomfortable. Larsa was just being a petulant brat.

Later, she nearly flipped out when she saw a bug in her food. I would have been grossed out also, but I suppose in the context, I might have been a bit more relaxed. After all, it was a farm; not Spago. Lea just laughed it off, claiming that it was all organic and therefore fine. I’m not sure Lea knew exactly what organic meant. She was just using it as a catch-all remedy for whatever was going wrong. It’s too hot out? No worries. It’s ORGANIC! Rabid dogs wandering around? It’s okay because they’re organic too!

Just when Larsa couldn’t get any worse, she then made an obnoxious comment directed at Elsa. The back story was that prior to departure for the farm, Larsa had confronted Marysol and grilled her about Elsa’s readings, saying how rude they were and how she hadn’t even been polite enough to say something nice. It was awkward. Later, at the lunch, Larsa then floated the idea of having a party at her place. Marysol cracked a joke that maybe she should bring her mom, causing Larsa to reply that her mother would be there too, and she’s a bigger BITCH than Elsa. It was just catty and uncalled for, and besides we all LOVE Elsa. No one likes Larsa. (Hey, I never said I was emotionally mature).

Anyway, now that I’ve gotten myself all wrapped up about women who we probably won’t see again, here’s the photocap:

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“Maaaarrysol.”
“Yes, Mother?”
“I want to watch another episode of — how you say — Hellcats.”

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“Listen, you may have to take off your shirt. I don’t know. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. We’re Cuban, you know. We love music, we love dancing, we love taking our shirts off for modeling auditions.”

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“Me? Threatened by Adriana? Hardly! Why would I be threatened? I’m PERFECT! And my insistence that I’m perfect is not a façade to cover up GLARING imperfections! NOT AT ALL!!!”

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“I don’t even want to talk to Adriana right now. She ruined MY luncheon. MY LUNCHEON!!!! SHE RUINED IT!!!!! I’m not emotionally immature.”

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Larsa: “I say this from a very emotionally mature place: Adriana is SOOOO gross, isn’t she???”
Cristy: “I can’t believe she has friendsssssssss.”
Woman: “I just want to be on camera so I’ll say something nasty: SHE’S A WHORE!!!”

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“Hey handsome. How about you come with me to bed?”
“Sure. Where’s your son, by the way?”
“It’s nighttime. The sun is down.”
“No, your SON. S-O-N.”
“Hahaha. I don’t have a so– oh. Wait. My SON. Yeah, I don’t know where he is. Sexytime!”

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Elsa: “You are berry worried about a mang.”
Larsa: “A man? No. I don’t think so. And don’t let my suddenly defensive and nervous demeanor suggest otherwise. I DON’T BELIEVE IN THIS CRAP!!!”

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“I mean, why would I be worried about a man? My husband loves me. I’m perfect. I’ve never eaten frozen food in my life. When people talk about Hot Pockets, I think they’re referring to charcoal in jeans. I AM PURE AND PERFECT AND FANTASTIC. WHY WOULD I BE WORRIED ABOUT A MAN??? PSYCHICS ARE WHORES!!!”

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“I too old to listen to this beeesh.”

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“Oh Elsa, I don’t believe in your psychic crap. I just want to be AMUSED. That’s what an emotionally mature woman does, you know: we patronize and condescend to people at dinner tables.”

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“I NOT a psychic! I just get vibes!”

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“Well I get VIBES too!”

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“But you say you no believe in it.”

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“I don’t. But I’m still BETTER at what I don’t believe in than you are. Than ANYONE is. I’m LARSA PIPPEN, AND I’M THE BEST PSYCHIC THERE IS!”

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“Emotional maturity!”

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“If you’re such a psychic, how come you didn’t tell me three NICE things about me first?”

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“Nice things? I’m a witch, not a liar.”

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“I don’t get it.”

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“She thinks you’re an idiot, ha HA!!!!”

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“In ten years, you will be berry poor.”

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“That will ONLY be because the nannies are stealing from me.”

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“Sure! How about you blame the lizards and the turtles too! Ha HAA!!!”

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“You are so handsome! I would have sex with you if I weren’t your mother.”
“Mommmmmmmmm…”

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“Can you believe what Elssssssa said about you? I mean, I’m a very intuitive person, and I have a lot of friendssssss, and so… yeah.”

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“What are you trying to say?”

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“Just that I’m intuitive and have friendssssss.”

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“I just can’t believe she said I was emotionally immature. I mean, I know SHE is, but what am I??? Right??”

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“You are ssssso mature.”

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“I am. And I have the best life.”

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“Totally.”

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“How many times has she been married? Four? Well, I’ve been married once. So I’m BETTER.”

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“I love how mature you are. You are one of my most emotionally mature friendsssssss.”

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“I know, right? I guess that’s par for the territory when you’ve never eaten frozen food.”

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“And, like, she’s had so many husbandsssssss.”

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“I know. I’ve only been married once, and I’m going to stay married… even though I’m married to a basketball player and am rapidly reaching the end of my shelf-life, which may be why I was so nervous when Elsa said I was worried about a man, but I’m not, I’m NOT. Adriana is fat.”

What did you think about the finale? Did these women redeem themselves? Do they deserve one more shot to make an interesting season?

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5 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI PHOTOCAP: The Drama Finally Arrives Just As The Season Ends

  1. This franchise was a big yawn until the last two episodes. Now I actually hope it gets picked up for another season, just because I really enjoy hating on Larsa Pippen (both that, and your “Elsa Speak” reads hilariously!).

    Not sure about a live finale. This is either going to be a great idea, or a really bad idea.

  2. Larsa was so pissed at having to waste her afternoon at that organic lunch simply because it cut into her time at home with nothing but her delusions of grandeur for company.

  3. I like this cast. I find their stories interesting. Bravo did not give them the full “Housewife treatment” which is probably why it wasn’t as big a hit as it should have.

    Larsa and Christy have proven themselves to be quite the 2-headed monster of Miami.

  4. Larsa’s eyebrows are INTENSE. That’s all I can ever look at when she speaks…

    And Elsa has had a bunch of plastic surgery, right?? I mean, her face.. it frightens me!

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