This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City reminded us why this installment in the franchise is definitely a varsity player. There was bickering the whole way through, and while it was all petty and immature (much to the disdain of my mother, who was watching with me), it was nonetheless amazing trainwreck TV (as opposed to the lifeless squabbles on Orange County and Miami). The whole hour was a mess, but it wasn’t just that these ladies were all screaming at each other. There was more — oh so much more — from Ramona’s table chart freakout to LuAnn delivering her most haughty line of all time. Yes, I said that. In a reality career that has showcased LuAnn turning her nose up at chauffeurs to housekeepers, her most wonderfully haughty and loaded comment came at the end of the episode after Alex had left Sonja’s party in a huff. LuAnn simply lowered her face in that patented way and said to Sonja, “She doesn’t belong here.” BAM. Awful/amazing.
Long live The Real Housewives of New York City.
This week’s brouhaha began with a march for gay marriage rights that had all the women trotting around in their wedding dresses. Even though Alex had been a key organizer for the event, it was Sonja who had been selected as the grand marshall, and as such, she was taking her role very seriously. She invited all the ladies over to her place for a fitting and repeatedly announced that this day was all about her — pissing off Alex in the meantime. It wasn’t all about Sonja, it was about gays’ rights to marry, she insisted. Nonetheless, Sonja wanted to milk this bad boy, and I had to admit I was a bit shocked at how she repeatedly noted that it was all about HER.
Well, it truly was about Sonja, and never more so when it came to speaking at the event. Apparently she had made an arrangement with the organizers that she would only serve as Grand Marshall if she were the only one to speak at the event. One problem: Simon was all set to make a speech of his own. As soon as Silex realized they’d been bumped from the podium, they were livid. They should have been pissed at the organizers, but when they asked Sonja if she’d graciously agree to let Simon speak also, Sonja said no. And then it was on. Simon lost his cool, snapping at Sonja. Alex wound up barking along too while Sonja expressed utter shock that anyone would deign to ruin HER big moment. Soon all three were bickering, with LuAnn hovering about to give dismissive and aghast looks. It wasn’t until Kelly Bensimon, unlikely voice of reason, stepped up and reminded the women that they were all embarrassing each other.
Coast clear? Nope. Enter Jill Zarin. Alex awkwardly thanked Jill for showing up despite having had no intention to go, causing Jill to suddenly explode and demand that Alex stop picking on her. I don’t know what was in the water that day, but I suspect The Joker was behind it. Or at least Ramona.
Well, things eventually settled down, Sonja gave a banal speech, and everyone wound up at Alex’s brownstone where strawberries and champagne were had and the hatchet was buried… for the time being.
We then moved on to Act II of the show, which took place at a charity fundraiser celebrating Gucci. Ramona had bought a table and had invited her usuals: Mario, Jodi, Alex, Simon, and Sonja. One person Ramona didn’t invite: Kelly. Ramona just didn’t know where Kelly’s head was at (a perpetual question for the universe) and didn’t want to have her at her table. But as luck would have it, Sonja arrived with none other than Kelly as her date. But not really. Kelly was happy to inform us that she’d been invited to the event by Gucci himself, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, Ramona then turned into a whirling dervish as she sprang into action to accommodate Kelly at her table, only to learn in the end that Kelly wasn’t staying for dinner. It was a truly silly interlude, but about as entertaining as they come, thanks mostly to Ramona and those bulging eyes.
Anyway, once everyone did settle in for dinner, Ramona asked Sonja about what happened at the march, and Sonja proceeded to bash Simon and Alex right in front of Simon and Alex. Or so we’re to believe. It’s unclear if the couple was sitting at the table at that moment or if that was just clever editing. Either way, Sonja clearly was not happy still, which brings us to Act III.
To celebrate her artist boyfriend and his new portrait of her, Sonja held a party at her place and invited everyone to come. Alex showed up sweetly, and Sonja greeted her by saying that she loved her, she adored her, and that the whole tiff the other day was like water off the back of a duck. Oh, and by the way, if Simon EVER GOT IN HER FACE AGAIN, SHE WOULD NOT STAND FOR IT!
Well, Alex 2.0 was not about to stand for this ridiculous phoniness. She immediately fought back and reminded Sonja that she had made a day for gay rights all about herself. This led to rapid-fire bickering, but for one moment, Alex did have the stage, and she clearly spelled out what it was that had annoyed her and Simon so greatly. Even though she was making total sense, Sonja then cut her off and announced that Alex was simply speaking nonsense. This led to more cross-talk, with Sonja ultimately yelling “Out of my house!” As luck would have it, in walked Countess LuAnn, who could not have been more shocked and then horrified at the un-ladylike drama unfolding before her. Eventually Alex left, and LuAnn happily came to Sonja’s defense, uttering the aforementioned line about Alex not belonging there. And so ended a crazy, hilarious episode.
Oh, and Cindy did some stuff too.
“Please be sure to do my makeup correctly. This day is all about me, and I’m just so thrilled to be portray Penny Marshall for the gays.”
“No, you’re the GRAND Marshall, not Penny Marshall.”
“So did anyone hear the news? Mayor McCheese invited me to be the Grand Marshall of the McDonaldsland Gay Pride Parade. And if that bitch Birdie the Early Bird speaks, so help me God. That day is about ME.”
“Sonja, Birdie the Early Bird is an integral leader in the gay rights movement.”
“And so am I, Alex. This day — and all associated Happy Meals and free Apple Pie offers – is about ME.”
“But it’s not!”
“Oh sweetheart. You must be hormonal. You know what? Water off a duck’s back! Kisses!”
Sonja: “Now, ladies, this is a very special day for me–“
Alex: “Gay rights.”
Sonja: “Whatever. I want you all to take turns applying this hairspray to me while saying what you love best about my hair.”
LuAnn: “Naturally. It’s what one does.“
Simon: “I’ve been wanting to celebrate the gays, and you took that away from me!”
“He wore his razzamatazz blazer. HIS RAZZAMATAZZ BLAZER!!!”
Sonja: “I don’t feel comfortable having Simon in my ear. I mean, he’s this big, hulking man, and, I don’t know, today is supposed to be about me–“
Alex: “Gay rights.”
Sonja: “Whatever. It’s very scary to me.”
Kelly: “You were scared? Of a man wearing a razzamatazz blazer?”
“Wouldn’t you be?”
Alex: “You’re not even wearing a wedding dress! You look like you belong in Ancient Greece.”
Sonja: “You have the worst manners. OUT OF MY ACROPOLIS!”
“You are all embarrassing yourselves. Stop it. STOP IT.”
Alex: “Wow. What’s more embarrassing is that you’re the voice of reason right now.”
Alex: “I’m so glad you came, Jill!”
LuAnn: “Well, this CERTAINLY isn’t the proper time for salutations.”
“DON’T SAY HI TO ME! I’M SICK OF YOU PICKING ON ME!! JUST LEAVE ME AND GINGE-AH ALONE!”
“Must. Kill. JIll….”
“Hello everyone. I’m so honored that you all came out here to support me on my big day. Now let’s get this toga party started!!!! It is a toga party, yes?”
“What a lovely day walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. I just wish Ramona were here to make us all cry.”
Alex: “Jill’s eating the hors d’oeuvres that I specifically set aside for the gays. Can NOTHING go right today?”
“Okay, I want to be blown away by this painting. Something that really captures my humble demeanor.”
“Darling, the nerve of Alex to start up with you at the gay rights march — it just wasn’t the right time. And so close to the Cancer Society! NEVER at the Cancer Society!”
“Does anyone mind that I’m drinking beer from a champagne flute?”
“Excuse me, EVERYONE has gotten a chance to be crazy this episode except me. MY TURN.”
“KELLY IS RUINING THE ENTIRE SEATING CHART! IT’S DÃ‰CLASSÃ‰!!!”
Kelly: “Don’t mind me. I’m just dropping by to say hello. And how nice of you to bring Pocahantas. Look at that little injun face!”
Ramona: “Well, it’s lovely to see you.”
“Lovely to see you too.”
Jodi: “Is no one going to talk about what just happened?”
Sonja: “Well, next thing I know, I have this big, hulking, masculine man barking in my ear–“
Ramona: “Wait, are we still talking about Simon? Because you said ‘hulking’ and ‘masculine.'”
“It was very scary. He was wearing a razzamatazz blazer!”
“You know he’s right behind you, right?”
“I don’t care. This evening is about ME.”
“Alex, sweetie, it is SO wonderful to see you. I absolutely adore you, and I know that fight was merely just you being stressed out. Water off a duck’s back! I just love you… ALTHOUGH IF YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND EVER COMES NEAR ME AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!!!!”
“I did NOT put on my finest Pleasure Chest ensemble to be berated by you!”
“Let me explain something to you clearly and concisely. Simon and I had worked vigorously on that march for about five months. It was very close to us, and as such Simon wanted to address the crowd with a very personal story. However, when he went to speak — as he had been promised he could — the organizers said that you demanded that only you could speak. So naturally we were upset.”
“I’m going to stop you right there because you are making NO sense whatsoever.”
“I couldn’t have been clearer.”
“Now you’re just speaking gibberish.”
“Are you serious?”
“Well, if you’re not going to speak English, there’s no point in continuing this discussion.”
Sonja: “You have the worst manners. OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
Alex: “No, you listen to me. I passed up a chance to dangle from a harness in a dungeon full of human traffic cones to come here.”
Sonja: “This is the wrong time. Wrong time then, wrong time now. OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
LuAnn: “Oh dear. The commoners are fighting.”
“Everyone, tonight is all about Peter. And as such, I want to remind you that it’s truly all about me.”
“I don’t care for the painting. Sorry! I don’t like it. Avery could have painted it. I find it ugly. No, you know what it is? It’s dÃ©classÃ©. That’s what it is. DÃ©classÃ©.”
What did you think about the episode? Was Sonja in the wrong or was Alex?