I don’t know what’s happened to our trusty Real Housewives of Orange County, but these bitches have been boring. There’s nothing terribly exciting to report from the cozy confines of Coto de Caza, and that must be what’s hurting the show. Vicki and Tamra have mildly interesting problems — one’s relationship is crumbling while the other’s is flourishing — but the rest of the gals have nothing even remotely fascinating to bring to the table. Alexis just wafts around like a dandelion seed — correction: a dandelion seed with boobs. She’s only entertaining when she’s in the context of Jim, but only because they’re so awful together. I suppose there is a mildly amusing aspect to watching her one-up Peggy, but it’s hard to make a full show out of that.
Peggy meanwhile seems to spend every episode fretting over a different medical malady. First it was postpartum depression. Then it was her daughter’s cut. Now it’s her boobs. She could certainly use a new hobby (said in a friendly, supportive, non-Bethenny-to-Jill way).
And then we have Gretchen, who we have enjoyed in seasons past, but this year seems a bit tiresome. The producers have her running off on dumb activities that all address her commitment issues with Slade — issues that the audience largely doesn’t care about. Is it so bad to ask for more content, Bravo? Last year we had Lynn struggling to keep her daughters in check (as well as the rent); we had Tamra battling it out with Simon and in turn Vicki, who in turn was clashing with Alexis. It was silly but real. This time around no one is doing anything, everyone is getting along, and vignettes of their lives just seem dull. Why, Orange County? You’re supposed to be the Varsity housewives. Must we lump you in with Miami and DC now?
Quite frankly, I’m not sure there’s much to recap this week. There was more trouble in the Gunvalson household when Vicki and the fam went on a mini booze cruise around Newport Harbor (I assume). The whole scene played out in the usual way: Vicki proclaimed a love for work, then she scolded her daughter for drinking, and the she and Donn had some words. Later, he came by her office to pick up the dog, and instead of greeting her husband in a warm, loving fashion, Vicki just shooed him away like an intrusive delivery boy. Divorce is nigh, my friends.
Over in Tamra’s world, the sassy blonde went off to Spain with Eddie, but not before receiving an angry text from Alexis scolding her for bring mace to last week’s relaxation party. How DARE she. If you thought this might lead to drama, think again. Instead, Tamra just grumbled about it and then went off to Europe where she and Eddie shared a lovely but boring escapade in Seville, among other places.
Back in the OC, Alexis and Gretchen met to discuss Tamra’s mace humor. Alexis decided that enough was enough, and she didn’t want to be in the middle of the whole Gretch-ra war. Of course, Alexis happily placed herself there last year, but I suppose that’s a minor detail. Anyway, the biggest surprise to come out of this whole thing was Gretchen stating that she thought Tamra was witty. Insert record scratch here. But don’t get too excited: this was not unmitigated praise. Gretchen then noted that Tamra’s big problem was that she just had bad comic timing. Ahhhhhh… now it all makes sense. Gretchen then went on to explain that SHE had good timing, which is why her jokes land. It was around this point that I wanted to just shoot myself in the head.
Gretchen then spent the rest of the episode organizing her parents’ surprise wedding vow renewal, which admittedly looked lovely, but oh so boring. I found myself spending more time thinking about how young her father looked (he really appeared to be a contemporary of Slade’s) than caring about what was truly going on on screen.
Lastly, we had Peggy, who got her boobs fixed, and no, she didn’t use Danielle Staub’s strip-mall doctor. Then again, based on the way Alexis received the boobs, you might think otherwise. Ms. Bellino wasted no time telling us how inferior Peggy’s new boobs were, politely implying that they were too small for Orange County standards. And in that moment, Alexis’s life was validated (at least in her head). Sure Peggy’s husband may be richer, younger, more attractive, and more supportive than Jim, but Alexis has the bigger boobs! WIN!
And let’s not even pretend Alexis cooked all that food for Peggy out of the goodness of her heart (let’s not pretend she even cooked the food at all, actually). Clearly Alexis just wanted an excuse to drop by and size up Peggy’s goods. Gotta love suburban competition…
“Are you guys enjoying this boat ride? Want to do it again? Well maybe you should have thought about that BEFORE you denied me a YACHT!”
“Look! Over there! It’s someone who works! God bless ’em.”
“If Alexis ever sends me another nasty email again, I swear to God I will rip this bedazzled tiger case off my iPhone, fashion it into a sparkly, oversized cross, iron it onto a shirt, and… and… I don’t know. I just want to make a shirt.”
“Does she not realize I’m a FREE BITCH, BABY? Because guess what? I’m a–“
“Please don’t say free bit–“
“FREE BITCH BABY!!!!”
“Sometimes when I sit in this chair, I feel the lingering emptiness of my life weighing me down. It’s like I can’t even get up. And then I realize it’s just the weight of my breasts.”
“The problem with Tamra is that she’s got the punchlines, but her timing is way off. Watch and learn:”
“So I was in the supermarket and saw a kiwi on sale. ‘Kiwi?’ I said. ‘What’s the deal with kiwis?’ I mean, they’re not made of keys, and they don’t say ‘weeeee!’ Am I right, people?'”
“To do: bore America with my parents’ wedding vow renewals.”
“What if something goes wrong? I have to think about Capri and London and my potential third child, Sardinia!”
“I got you these diamond earrings, honey, as my way of saying thank you for finally fixing your janky boobs.”
“Ugh. I am so sick of cameras, as has been well documented on this, my fourth season of filming a reality show.”
“Are you enjoying your tapas? I hope it’s not too HOT on account of being so close to me, the HOT housewife, WHICH I AM. In fact, you know what they call me here in Spain?”
“No. I’m HOTLIENTE.”
Peggy: “Oh my goodness! Thank you for visiting!”
“My pleasure! And look at your new boobs!! Mine are better.”
“Hello, I’d like to order some HOT JAMÃ“N, please. Or as I call it, TAMRA JAMÃ“N, on account of me already being so HOT and HAM-LIKE.”
Tamra: “Oooh, Eddie. You really seem turned on after seeing all those topless people”
Eddie: “Yeah, those guys were JACKED!”
Tamra: “I could stay in this water all day, and you know why? Because I’m a FREE MERMAID BITCH, BABY!”
“Don’t be a drag, just be queen!”
“Oh Eddie, put your chorizo cantimpalo IN ME!”
What did you think about this episode?