REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Putting the Eh in España

HW-07.jpg

I don’t know what’s happened to our trusty Real Housewives of Orange County, but these bitches have been boring. There’s nothing terribly exciting to report from the cozy confines of Coto de Caza, and that must be what’s hurting the show. Vicki and Tamra have mildly interesting problems — one’s relationship is crumbling while the other’s is flourishing — but the rest of the gals have nothing even remotely fascinating to bring to the table. Alexis just wafts around like a dandelion seed — correction: a dandelion seed with boobs. She’s only entertaining when she’s in the context of Jim, but only because they’re so awful together. I suppose there is a mildly amusing aspect to watching her one-up Peggy, but it’s hard to make a full show out of that.

Peggy meanwhile seems to spend every episode fretting over a different medical malady. First it was postpartum depression. Then it was her daughter’s cut. Now it’s her boobs. She could certainly use a new hobby (said in a friendly, supportive, non-Bethenny-to-Jill way).

And then we have Gretchen, who we have enjoyed in seasons past, but this year seems a bit tiresome. The producers have her running off on dumb activities that all address her commitment issues with Slade — issues that the audience largely doesn’t care about. Is it so bad to ask for more content, Bravo? Last year we had Lynn struggling to keep her daughters in check (as well as the rent); we had Tamra battling it out with Simon and in turn Vicki, who in turn was clashing with Alexis. It was silly but real. This time around no one is doing anything, everyone is getting along, and vignettes of their lives just seem dull. Why, Orange County? You’re supposed to be the Varsity housewives. Must we lump you in with Miami and DC now?

Quite frankly, I’m not sure there’s much to recap this week. There was more trouble in the Gunvalson household when Vicki and the fam went on a mini booze cruise around Newport Harbor (I assume). The whole scene played out in the usual way: Vicki proclaimed a love for work, then she scolded her daughter for drinking, and the she and Donn had some words. Later, he came by her office to pick up the dog, and instead of greeting her husband in a warm, loving fashion, Vicki just shooed him away like an intrusive delivery boy. Divorce is nigh, my friends.

Over in Tamra’s world, the sassy blonde went off to Spain with Eddie, but not before receiving an angry text from Alexis scolding her for bring mace to last week’s relaxation party. How DARE she. If you thought this might lead to drama, think again. Instead, Tamra just grumbled about it and then went off to Europe where she and Eddie shared a lovely but boring escapade in Seville, among other places.

Back in the OC, Alexis and Gretchen met to discuss Tamra’s mace humor. Alexis decided that enough was enough, and she didn’t want to be in the middle of the whole Gretch-ra war. Of course, Alexis happily placed herself there last year, but I suppose that’s a minor detail. Anyway, the biggest surprise to come out of this whole thing was Gretchen stating that she thought Tamra was witty. Insert record scratch here. But don’t get too excited: this was not unmitigated praise. Gretchen then noted that Tamra’s big problem was that she just had bad comic timing. Ahhhhhh… now it all makes sense. Gretchen then went on to explain that SHE had good timing, which is why her jokes land. It was around this point that I wanted to just shoot myself in the head.

Gretchen then spent the rest of the episode organizing her parents’ surprise wedding vow renewal, which admittedly looked lovely, but oh so boring. I found myself spending more time thinking about how young her father looked (he really appeared to be a contemporary of Slade’s) than caring about what was truly going on on screen.

Lastly, we had Peggy, who got her boobs fixed, and no, she didn’t use Danielle Staub’s strip-mall doctor. Then again, based on the way Alexis received the boobs, you might think otherwise. Ms. Bellino wasted no time telling us how inferior Peggy’s new boobs were, politely implying that they were too small for Orange County standards. And in that moment, Alexis’s life was validated (at least in her head). Sure Peggy’s husband may be richer, younger, more attractive, and more supportive than Jim, but Alexis has the bigger boobs! WIN!

And let’s not even pretend Alexis cooked all that food for Peggy out of the goodness of her heart (let’s not pretend she even cooked the food at all, actually). Clearly Alexis just wanted an excuse to drop by and size up Peggy’s goods. Gotta love suburban competition…

HW-17.jpg
“Are you guys enjoying this boat ride? Want to do it again? Well maybe you should have thought about that BEFORE you denied me a YACHT!”

HW-16.jpg
“Look! Over there! It’s someone who works! God bless ’em.”

HW-15.jpg
“If Alexis ever sends me another nasty email again, I swear to God I will rip this bedazzled tiger case off my iPhone, fashion it into a sparkly, oversized cross, iron it onto a shirt, and… and… I don’t know. I just want to make a shirt.”

HW-14.jpg
“Does she not realize I’m a FREE BITCH, BABY? Because guess what? I’m a–“
“Please don’t say free bit–“
“FREE BITCH BABY!!!!”

HW-13.jpg
“Sometimes when I sit in this chair, I feel the lingering emptiness of my life weighing me down. It’s like I can’t even get up. And then I realize it’s just the weight of my breasts.”

HW-12.jpg
“The problem with Tamra is that she’s got the punchlines, but her timing is way off. Watch and learn:”

HW-12.jpg
“So I was in the supermarket and saw a kiwi on sale. ‘Kiwi?’ I said. ‘What’s the deal with kiwis?’ I mean, they’re not made of keys, and they don’t say ‘weeeee!’ Am I right, people?'”

gretchen-seinfeld.jpg
Boom-a-chick-a-booom-pop!!!

HW-11.jpg
“To do: bore America with my parents’ wedding vow renewals.”

HW-10.jpg
“What if something goes wrong? I have to think about Capri and London and my potential third child, Sardinia!”

HW-09.jpg
“I got you these diamond earrings, honey, as my way of saying thank you for finally fixing your janky boobs.”

HW-08.jpg
“Ugh. I am so sick of cameras, as has been well documented on this, my fourth season of filming a reality show.”

HW-06.jpg
“Are you enjoying your tapas? I hope it’s not too HOT on account of being so close to me, the HOT housewife, WHICH I AM. In fact, you know what they call me here in Spain?”
“Caliente?”
“No. I’m HOTLIENTE.”

HW-05.jpg
Peggy: “Oh my goodness! Thank you for visiting!”
“My pleasure! And look at your new boobs!! Mine are better.”

HW-04.jpg
“Hello, I’d like to order some HOT JAMÓN, please. Or as I call it, TAMRA JAMÓN, on account of me already being so HOT and HAM-LIKE.”

HW-03.jpg
Tamra: “Oooh, Eddie. You really seem turned on after seeing all those topless people”
Eddie: “Yeah, those guys were JACKED!”

HW-02.jpg
Tamra: “I could stay in this water all day, and you know why? Because I’m a FREE MERMAID BITCH, BABY!”
“Don’t be a drag, just be queen!”

HW-01.jpg
“Oh Eddie, put your chorizo cantimpalo IN ME!”

What did you think about this episode?

28 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Putting the Eh in España”

  1. I thought it was somewhat revealing that Eddie did not notice the topless women around the pool at their hotel. What red blooded man wouldn’t notice something like that? Oh, that’s right, a gay red-blooded man!

    You are correct about it being boring this year. Thank god NY is on…at least we can get some fireworks from their show.

  2. on WWHL Jay Mohr said that Gretchen and Slade told him at one of his shows that Eddie is gay. They laughed about it on the show but I found it interesting

  3. I had to laugh when Tamra noticed that Eddie had packed more luggage than she had for the trip

  4. i think I fell asleep during this episode……..then i had nightmares about a gay guy shoving his tongue down my throat…………..yikers!!!! Please let’s put these ho-wives to rest…….except vicki lets chain her to her desk…

  5. Vicky’s spanking. Mind Blowingly Inappropriate & if I was that girl I would slap a lawsuit & use the footage as exhibit A.
    Vicky’s chiding her daughter for drinking by reminding her that her bio dad is an al-key. (in my best Vicky voice) “Who Does That?”
    Vicky’s constant patter about her employees loving & respecting her. Ahem – you mean the people you PAY to love & respect you.??
    Vicky’s shutting out of her husband and now her dog. WHAT NEXT WOMAN.?!
    Vicky’s saying that she took a whole day off work to be on a boat with her family but brings employees who she works with along and talks about work. Hint Hint Vicky: That is not taking a day off.

    The mutton chops on Gretchen’s Dad in his wedding pictures.
    The Snooki poof on Gretchen’s Mom in the renewal ceremony.
    The Pastor telling them that marriage means they can “go at it like never before”.
    Gretchen’s lame justification that her snipe @ Tamra was funny but Tamra’s snipe @ Gretchen was not and it was all due to ‘comic timing.’

    Eddie brought more luggage than Tamra and a pink neck pillow.

    Alexis telling Peggy that James wanted to see Peggy’s new titties. “Who Does That?”

    Peggy (on WWHL) telling Andy that she only puts healthy things in her body but takes care of her outside. What outside? Those fake fun bags are not attached to your chest on the outside — that filler in your upper lip is not on the outside. So I guess Peggy defines inside as anything she actually swallows. Good thing her husband’s jizz is organic.

    hb

    1. Thank you HB! I could not believe that Vickie SPANKED her employee! Who does that?? I think I would have hit her back. And why are all the people who work for Vickie 20 years old? And WTH is Vickie doing with insurance until 1am? WHAT?

      Why is it OK for Vickie to act like an idiot on boats and vacations, but nobody else can?

      Why wasn’t there anyone else at the marriage vow renewal? No other family at all?? Didn’t Gretchen have a sister?

    2. I was shocked at the spanking scene. Is Vicki so narcissistic that she thinks none of her employees would ever turn on her? I’m surprised more people have not mentioned it.

  6. So funny to hear Vicki, the “WHOOO HOOOO” drunk-at-the-lake lady telling her daughter not to drink so much. Hypocrite for sure.

    I thought Gretchen did such a great job on her parent’s 40th anniversary. It was so very thoughtful.

    Do you think Tamara would have another baby? Interesting.

  7. Alexis was dead on about the new boobs. Peggy was on WWHL and they were uneven. It looked reallt strange. Then Peggy insisted on asking the men on the panel if they looked OK. Jay Morh avoided looking at them as if they were Medusaboobs. Those poor guys were just trying to be polite. I also think shes blown her chance to sue the surgeon after declaring her LOVE for new noobies on national TV. Peggy may be the dumbest OC HW now that Lynn is gone.

  8. Watch What Happens live is more interesting than this show. I’m loving Any Cohen more and more every episode.

    As soon as I saw Tamra buy the jamon, I though, ooh, Ham Game!

  9. This season IS boring. The problem is all the housewives are doing things on their own and without interaction with each other, no one cares about what they are doing. But on the other hand when they do things together it feels SO fake and forced. Stick a fork in it, I think this city is DONE!

    1. I’m with you on that. It’s so over. And Vicki is such a bitch and Tamra is so not funny! I’m sick of both of them and they think they ARE the show.

  10. I don’t know why but I just love my girls. YES they are boring but I love them anyway. They are like a security blanket for me. Except Gretchen. UGH
    BRING LYNN BACK!!!

  11. All I can say is this: I would rather watch a show that only featured Lisa Vanderpump cleaning up Giggy’s microscopic craps than suffer through 5 minutes of these misshapen middle aged tramps. Ick.

  12. Tamra’s a moron. Of course he seems like your soul mate. All gay guys are soul mates to single, jaded women. This is life. Catch up.

    However, I don’t really see Eddie’s appeal. He’s… Weird? I don’t know another word. Creepy maybe?

  13. JenK “the ham game” HIIIII-larious!!!!!!!!!

    I swear I am amazed at the behavior of most the housewives. They are looneytunes.

    If Vicki spanked my daughter, and I don’t give a shit if she was just playing, I would lose my everloving mind! What an asshole.

    The thing about the fake boobies..I don’t get it. My sister has VERY large natural breasts and she hates them so I don’t understand the mentality of wanting to have surgery installing crap into your body that could shift, burst, rip, leak, or do a hokey pokey number on ya is so sought after.

    Tamra is funnier than Gretchen.

    Love the recap B-side

  14. Amen to the “boring” call –

    Tamra and her twat talk are boring. Newsflash, a good pounding will make you think that you found your “soulmate”. Enjoy the fucking and get off my TV already. Unless that fight with Jeana is soon, I could care less.

    Vicki is vile beyond belief – you are not their mommy. You are their boss and could at least respect some boundaries. I am so tired of watching her twitching while she clicks away at the computer as if some national insurance emergency is being averted. And as for Donn, he cannot leave that truffle hunting face fast enough.

    Gretchen – boring… go back to gold digging and giggling. This need to prove that you are seriously considering Slade Slimey is a snoozefest.

    Peggy v. Alexis – it is like a batte of the idiots. Instead of a catfight, we got a kitten fight. Over boobs…really? And what is it going to be next week, Peggy? Fear of rickets?

    1. I second that! The whole lot of them are horrible (esp Tamra’s overused twat)! Good god, I’m praying for that earthquake to hit that west coast. It’s time to move out vicki and tamra for starters!

  15. Note to Vicky, if you work all the time there isn’t any reason you should want a yatch.

    Note to Don, get a yatch and throw Vickie overboard with the anchor.

  16. This season is so disappointing. I find myself fast forwarding through alot of it. Alexis, Gretchen, Peggy…..so totally boring. Who talks to their 5 year old boy about her friend’s boob job?!?!?!
    I feel like Gretchen planned the vow renewal strictly for the cameras (that’s why her siblings weren’t there), to show what a “good” person she is after all of the bad press she has had the past couple of seasons. Vicki is truly having a mid-life crisis…….

  17. Sardinia! LOL for real… those poor kids’ names make me giggle a lot. This was indeed a dull episode though. Sad.

  18. I have to say that Peggy (dim-witted tw@t though that she is) acted actually rather graceful and classy on WWH while avoiding getting into name calling, etc. when Andy asked her how she felt seeing Alexis’ catty comments about her boobs. Peggy took the high road and did not respond to the snark. Considering how Alexis (delusionally) considers herself Miss Holier Than Thou – her behaviour was not very Christianlike…. then again, not much about her really is.

Comments are closed.