The Real Housewives Head to the Royal Wedding!

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In case you’ve been living under a rock, Prince William married his college sweetheart Kate Middleton earlier today in a lavish Royal Wedding that was viewed by millions worldwide. What better way to honor this momentous occasion than to mash it up with the Real Housewives? After the jump, check out various Housewives at the Royal Wedding…


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“Oh my God, I remember when I showed up at the Royal Wedding with Carole Middleton, and the paparazzi were taking pictures of me, and Carole was all ‘Why are they taking pictures of you?’ and I was all ‘I’ve been here a lot longer than you have!’ and Carole was all ‘Really?’ and I was all ‘Escape to Witch Mountain!’ Hahahahaha… I’m lonely.”

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“I’m sorry, but Posh and Becks should not be at a wedding in the middle of the day. They should be at work! Why do people think they don’t have to work?”

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“Oh my God. It’s, like, get a room already. Kill me now. LITERALLY, stab me in the head.”

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“BAM! It’s holy matrimony!”

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“Hi, love. What was that? Of course I was invited! Kate herself insisted that I wear a cream colored dress too!”

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“Hey, look. I’m with my friendsssssss. Prince Charles is my friend. And so is Camilla. Together, they’re my friendsssssszzzzz.”

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“Wedding chariots may come fancier, but they don’t come HOTTER!”

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“I hope I don’t burn the happy couple with my HOTNESS. After all, I am the HOT housewife. That’s why I ride around in a HOT chariot, or as I like to call it, a chariHOT.”

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“You know what? I’m getting out of the chariHOT. And you know why? It’s because I’m a–”
Wills: “Please don’t say ‘free bitch.’”
“–FREE BITCH BABY!”

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“No one said this little girl could go to the wedding. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to invoice her. How fun is that?? Ha HAAA!!!!”

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“My inbox certainly is FULL of royal wedding enthusiasm. It’s like the opposite of seeing Tyra Banks.”

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“Look at me: riding along with Prince Charles and the MORALLY CORRUPT CAMILLA PARKER BOWLES.”

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“How you going to have a royal procession without a helicopter and a poet?”

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“Al Sharpton over here with the kids. Zip it, Pippa. Zip it.”

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“This is impressive and all, but my wedding was better.”

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“Let me tell you a something about my Royal Family. We’re as thick as thieves, and we stick by each other until the end. Or at least until tea time.”

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“Would you believe Kate Middleton called me a snake? ME! A snake! How nasty! Not at the Royal Wedding. NEVER at the Royal Wedding!”

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“This looks almost as expensive as my four-year-old daughter’s birthday. Almost.”

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“Whoooaaaa-ooooo-whooaaaa-ooooo-whooaaa-oooo-whoa… the ring didn’t mean a thiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!”

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“Brielle! BRIELLE!!! Get momma some cigarettes. I’m watching fancy people get married! BRIIIIEEEEELLLLE!!!!!”

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“Kate Middleton is a THUG in a wedding dress.”

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“Look at all that ZAAAAARin FAAAABric! BAWWWWBY, get ALLLLLY. She’s wearing ZAAARIN FAAAABRIC into the AAAAAAABBEY.”

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“HEY. If I hear the word ‘Princess’ ONE MORE TIME I will take back all the complimentary Gretchen Christine BEAUTÉ gift bags I just handed out!”

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“I have to get something off my chest. I just HAVE to. This band is too loud. No, you know what it is? It’s déclassé. I’m sorry, Queen Elizabeth, but that’s what it is. It’s déclassé. Now WHERE THE HELL IS MY PINOT GRIGIO???”

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“Um, I think Wills could really do without those sleeves.”

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“Can we get on with this? I’m STARVING. At this rate, I might as well drive to QUOGUE.”

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“You know what? These two have the worst manners. OUT OF MY ABBEY!”

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“Oh sure, these kids look innocent enough, but what happens if I’m left in a rumpus room with them? Next thing I know, one of them beats me over the head with a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Then I don’t wake up. THEN my kids don’t have a mother. THEN ARE THEY HAPPY? THEN ARE THEY HAPPY???”

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“Did somebody say this wedding was made entirely of MONEY? I just love a wedding made of MONEY.”

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“Is there a wedding or something going on?”

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“What a beautiful, eyucated couple. Maaaaarrrisol, why you no marry a prince?”

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“Why would anyone care about Kate Middleton without Wills?”
Kate: “Excuse me?”
“What? I didn’t say anything. YOU’RE DELUSIONAL!”

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“I know when and where this carriage will stop. I LOVE THAT ABOUT ME. KNOW THAT!!!”

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“Wait, I slept through the royal wedding? It was on at 5 AM??”

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“YOU HELD A WEDDING AT 5 AM???”

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“KATE MIDDLETON, YOU PROSTITUTION WHOOO-AAAH!!!”

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“DID YOU FORGET, KATE?? I’M FROM PATERSON! WE HAVE WEDDINGS IN THE EVENING!!”

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“YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, ROYAL FAMILY! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!”

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“Here’s what: the Jackhole of this Week is the TIME DIFFERENCE!”

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“Seriously with the time zones? Shoot me now. Kill me. Just kill me.”

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“BAM!! It’s a time difference! Bloop bloop!”

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“I give this time difference FOUR STARS!”

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“Money can’t buy you an alarm clock. Waking up for the royal wedding is learned, my friends.”

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“It’s so funny because this is like so Cuban, you know? We love music, we love to dance, we love time zones.”

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“I, for one, was awake. But that’s because I was totally getting EBONG’D.”

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“Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding Party, ohhh oooooh ooooh ohhhhh!”

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“Why the hell is everyone watching this wedding? IT’S FUCKING FASHION WEEK!!!”

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14 thoughts on “The Real Housewives Head to the Royal Wedding!

  1. So hilarious Bside!!!!!!!!!!!

    The being “Ebonged” reference was one I thought we wouldn’t see again, with the DC Housewives being cancelled. It’s nice to see you bring it back.

  2. I hope you saw on WWHL when Cat dared to ask why the Countess was considered an expert on etiquette and royal protocol. The Countess was beyond shocked and her response was that she has been living in that world for a few years now (as if she is part of the British monarchy) . She was completely indignant and Cat look perplexed. LOL.

    • Cat was incensed that the Countess implied that she was a tad “old” to be kissing Harry. (her “there’s only 6 years difference .. maybe 7 … 8 years ..”) Then when the Countess schooled Cat on calling the Queen ‘Your Royal Highness’ poor Cat couldn’t take it. She proceeded to pout & take her hat off & tell Andy she didn’t want to play anymore.
      Then she tried calling LuAnn out on her etiquette and BAM — the Countess throws down on her pinched British ass.! America FTW.

      hb

  3. Yay! I feel like I’ve been waiting ages for another Housewives mashup. I found myself comparing recent natural disasters to Eyjafjallajökull and wondering, “Hmmm too soon for a tornado mashup?” Thank God for the Royal Wedding!

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