The past two weeks of Celebrity Apprentice have been epic, starting with Nene and Star’s massive brawl and ending with, well, Meat Loaf and Star’s massive brawl. In the middle we have laughter and tears — but mostly tears, thanks to Mr. Loaf’s highly emotional turn as Project Manager. Nearly everything caused him to bawl on camera, a wondrous sight that reminded us of how many layers of crazy this spectacular season has. It almost makes you forget the Warwick-Busey era. Almost.
There were really two shockers on this past episode: first was that Nene quit the competition. Yes, after Trump moved her to another team to be away from Star, she went AWOL before calling up The Donald and accusing him of letting Star get her way. And what better way to let Star truly win than by quitting? But that’s what Nene did. It was classic Leakes passive aggression. She’s done this move umpteen times on Real Housewives of Atlanta; so it was only a matter of time before she slunk away like a victim. I was rather annoyed by this turn of events because I was just waiting to see Nene take down her nemesis (although, truthfully, I wasn’t sure it would happen). My own little theory was that Star Jones complained to the producers that she didn’t feel physically safe near Nene, and so when Nene was moved to another team, she interpreted it as the producers and Donald Trump agreeing that Nene was a danger, something that she probably took great offense to. Of course, I base this on very little, but I feel like it sounds about right.
Nevertheless, Nene was out, but the guys still had La Toya to kick around. That’s right: in a shifty bit of producer manipulation, The Donald let La Toya return — this time to the guys’ team — and I had to admit that I was pretty psyched. I always liked La Toya and thought she was way smarter than portrayed. Sadly though, she was in and out. The first task of the three hour (!!) episode was for teams to raise money via a comedy showcase, and team Backbone, despite having Jimmy Fallon show up to do a rather annoying country song, fell short. Trump then had the unenviable task of firing either Lil Jon, John Rich, or La Toya — all three of whom had been quite good. In the end, the blame had to go to the Project Manager, and so La Toya was gone again before she’d even unpacked her bags. So much for that twist.
Meanwhile, over on the other team, it was a love-fest. Meat Loaf was a blubbering mess because his charity had won the fundraising competition; although, to be fair, he had been a blubbering mess even before they had won. He merely had gone from anxious blubbering mess to happy blubbering mess. Nevertheless, everyone on team ASAP was just thrilled with each other.
And then came the next task. Teams had to produce a commercial for OnStar — who already had quite an effective commercial by merely appearing on Celebrity Apprentice. OnStar can now be used in any car? KIND OF COOL. Anyway, Lil Jon and John Rich (who I want to see square off in the end) put together a pretty solid piece — about as close to a real commercial as any Apprentice concoction EVER. Usually, whenever Trump has teams work in video, it’s a horrific disaster (Clint Black for Small & Mighty, anyone?). But I suppose that’s the joy of the task.
Well, the Jonz were on top of the game. Project Manager Marlee Matlin, however, wasn’t so lucky. Her team put together an amateurish and stupid spot that failed to even show the product. Unsurprisingly, the team lost, and in a fun turn of events, Star and Meat Loaf started going AT it. Even better, Meat Loaf totally had Star’s number, getting her to lose her cool for the first time all season. His unintentional power play: calling her Sweetie. Truthfully, I didn’t think it came from a malicious or condescending place, but I had to side with Star on this one — it was rather disrespectful to a professional woman in that context. (Leave it to Donald Trump to shrug it off.)
Anyway, Star was livid and refused to engage Meat Loaf any further, causing him to question her previous assertion that she’d debate anyone. “You have to come at me with MY credentials if you want to me to debate with you,” she said (more or less). It was wonderfully obnoxious and reminded us why Star Jones can be so hate-able. That being said, Star has been a force to be reckoned with all season, and I thought she was going to the very end. Not so fast. Trump actually fired her over Meat Loaf, which was quite a surprise to me. Turns out she got tripped up in some hullabaloo about her responsibilities as a brand manager for the task (truthfully, it should have been Marlee to go home as she kind of failed as a Project Manager). Who would have thunk it would be Meat Loaf to take out Star? Then again, his brown-nosing speech to The Donald midway through the episode probably earned him some brownie points.
Now we have a final four of Lil Jon, John Rich, Marlee Matlin, and Meat Loaf. I think they’re a strong quartet, but of the group, I want to see the Jonz go at it. However, I tend to think it’ll be John Rich vs. Marlee Matlin. Either way, any combination of these four will lead to a strong finale. Getting excited…
“BAM! I’m gonna let America down!”
“Quitting the Apprentice is a THIRTY-FIVE BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.”
“I may have just farted.”
Meat Loaf: “Sir, I just want you to know that when I clasp my hands, you can see how shockingly small they are.”
“So I decided to watch Steel Magnolias last night for the first time, and man is it doing a number on me.”
“And then to cheer myself up, I watched Beaches. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was about cancer? I thought it was about BEACHES!!! I CAN’T DEAL!!!”
“And then I heard ‘Save The Best for Last’ by Vanessa Williams on the radio. It’s TOO MUCH!!!!”
“And then I saw a commercial on TV for jewelry, and guess what? HE WENT TO JARED!!!! I CAN’T!!! I CAN’T!!!”
“I saw a daisy wilting in a vase on the way over here. I can’t! I CAN’T!!!”
“AND THEN MY HOT POCKET EXPLODED IN THE MICROWAVE. I CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN! I CAN’T!!!”
“I MEAN THE CHEESE GOT ALL OVER THE PAPER TOWEL I HAD PUT IT ON. IT WAS JUST AN INNOCENT PAPER TOWEL. IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!”
Kevin Kline: “This comedy is going to make my bran laterally explore the next three houses.”
“I am PUMPED! Today has been great. First off, I finally found my missing craft supplies from Michael’s, and second, I cried so hard my tear ducts actually corroded into the color of the Statue of Liberty.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Okay, I’m gonna sing a country ditty called ‘You’re Fiyered.'”
LaToya: “Great… is this going to be one of those things that goes on and on and on and really isn’t that funny? ‘Cause I’m kind of not in the mood.”
Jimmy: “You’re fired, you’re FIRED, you’re fired, you’re FIRED.”
LaToya: “Okay, that’s nice. You can stop now.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Alright people, for the tenth minute in a row: you’re fired, you’re FIRED, you’re fired, you’re FIRED…”
“Which one of you fools ate my ham sandwich?”
“I just want to say, Mr. Trump, that it’s been a total honor working for you. This is second only to the births of my children. And just slightly ahead of this REALLY amazing ham sandwich I just ate.”
Star: “Mr. Trump, you should know that Meat Loaf is urinating under the table.”
Marlee: “There’s something warm and wet on my leg!”
Star: “Meeeeeeeat Loaf!!!!!”
Marlee: “That was disgusting, Meat Loaf!”
Meat: “I’m sorry. I had to go. And then I thought about toilets. And that made me think about this one time I flushed a Daddy-Long-Legs down the toilet, and I felt so bad after!! SO BAD!!!!!”
“And then there was this one time I was looking at clouds with my friend Sandy, and she said one cloud looked like a rabbit, and I said ‘No, it looks like scissors,’ but she was right! IT WAS A RABBIT!!!! BWWAAAAAAAH!!!!!”
“AND THEN THERE WAS THIS TIME THAT I MADE POTATO SALAD AND I SHOULD HAVE PUT IN MORE MUSTARD — I SHOULD HAVE — BUT I THOUGHT THERE WAS ENOUGH, AND THERE WASN’T, AND I LET EVERYONE DOWN!!! BWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!“
“AND THEN ONE TIME I MURDERED A HOBO IN A DARK ALLEY. BWWWWWAAAAAAH!!!”
“AND THEN ONE TIME I SPILLED MILK, AND I CRIED OVER IT, AND I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE, BUT IT WAS THE BEST MILK I HAD EVER HAD, AND THEN I WENT AND SPILLED IT!!!!!”
“Well, this is an awkward homage.”
Meat Loaf: “Play it cool, Meat. Don’t freak out. Just because there’s a floating Star Jones head next to you does NOT mean you’re crazy…”
“Hi. I’m Star Jones. And I created OnStar. Don’t believe me? Well, look at the name. It’s not called OnLisaRinna.”
“What was that, caller? Your car broke down? Listen, you have to come with MY credentials to get ME to help YOU.”
“Don’t look at me. I’m in a fight with this side table.”
“If I go down at the hands of Meat Loaf, I swear to God I will throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge.”
“Is it really such a big deal that Meat Loaf called a professional woman ‘Sweetie?’ I mean, I call all the broads in my office ‘tittyface.’ What’s the big deal?”
What did you think about this episode? Did you think Star would go home? Was she right about Sweetie-gate? And did Nene make a mistake?