REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Beyond Epic. Beyond.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey is back and better than it has ever been. At last Bravo has gotten it right. Gone is Danielle Staub and the Manzo-centric focus. The show is no longer about recreating the Sopranos. It’s about highlighting the tacky Jersey trash we’ve come to know and love through recent pop culture phenoms like Jersey Shore. And who could be any tackier than Teresa Giudice? The producers have wisely turned the cameras on the Skinny Italian author and her bonkers extended family, and needless to say, we had a brawl within the first three minutes of the premiere. This is what I’m talking about.

Everything in last night’s epic premiere centered around the christening of Teresa’s nephew, Joey. This is not to be confused with Teresa’s husband, Joe, nor her brother Joe, nor Joe’s other brother-in-law… Joe. Yes, there are so many Joeys around, you’d think we were in a kangaroo fertility clinic (rimshot!).

Anyway, Teresa and her brother used to be super tight, but then came Melissa, who has since married Joe and now joins the cast of RHoNJ in its third season. For reasons that are not totally clear, Melissa and Teresa just don’t get along. Teresa says it’s because Melissa has been icy and kept her brother at arm’s length. Melissa says it’s because Teresa became competitive once Joe (Gorga, not Giudice) began focusing on his own business. Either way, the women don’t like each other.

The guys aren’t faring so well either. Joe Gorga hates Joe Giudice and claims that his brother-in-law has poisoned not just Teresa but their father too. In fact, the general consensus is that most of the Gorga clan has issues with Joe Giudice. Enter Kathy, Teresa’s first cousin and also a new cast member. I can tell you this right now: I LOVE KATHY.

First of all, Kathy looks perpetually confused and exasperated, and yet I trust that she’s probably the smartest of all these mooks. Second, she pedals around a cute bicycle to the supermarket. Third, her husband Rich looks — as one of my readers Tweeted — like Lebanese Jon Lovitz. I rolled my eyes when I first saw Rich — what with the thick framed glasses, giant cross, and shirt unbuttoned — but oddly enough, I found myself adoring the sleazeball. I think it’s because beneath all those poor aesthetic choices, we can see that he seems like a really good guy. Of course, I base this off very little, but I’m going with it.

Anyway, Kathy seems to be on Team Gorga, and while there’s something undeniably skanky and bratty about Melissa, I found myself siding with her and her husband too. Let’s examine the evidence:

Joe Giudice is a total lowlife. He plunged his family $11 million in the hole, has been arrested for driving with a suspended license, and also had that curious DUI situation that he claims was purely him falling asleep at the wheel and then having four shots immediately afterwards. The point is that he’s up to no good, and it’s hard to be Pro-Giudice when he’s got this track record. Plus, Melissa and Joe’s little quips about actually paying their bills were kind of amusing.

Additionally, I have some empathy for Joe Gorga. Clearly he has suffered from the mind games of his father. Case in point: note everything that happened at the christening.

So as is apparently usually the case, Teresa showed up to the christening late and arrived only with two of her daughters. Gia had to go off to gymnastics, and Joe was just lumbering around at home for no good reason (there had been talk of The Runs, but apparently the diarrhea had passed). This alone was fairly poor of Juicy Joe to do, and I understood Melissa and Joe Gorga’s frustration with him.

Well, Joe Gi (as opposed to Joe Go) did eventually pop up, but only at the reception, further angering the Gorgas. And then he didn’t do a shot — the shame! This was probably Joe Gi’s only smart move all night — as we know that Joe and booze is not a good thing (note above “sleeping” incident at the wheel). Joe Gorga took offense to this, which was on par for him as he has proven himself to be ultra sensitive and dramatic, and of course the rage started to build. Throw in some lingering issues about how Teresa apparently ignores the Gorgas at social events (not to mention the fact that she never, EVER told Melissa that her house was beautiful), and we had the foundation for some serious family issues.

Did I also mention that everyone was wasted off their asses?

Things got even worse when Joe and Teresa decided to have a special dance alone with Baby Joe, a move that infuriated Joe Gorga. According to him, Joe Giudice never had expressed any interest in wee Giuseppe and the whole dance felt like an image-saving act. By the time Teresa eventually wandered over to her brother to wish him congratulations again, Joe Gorga wasn’t having any of it. He told his sister to scram (although, not before equating her to garbage first). This led to confrontation and bickering with not just Joe Gorga, but Melissa and her sister. It would have been all pretty funny had little Gia not been in the middle of it all, crying and begging her mom to walk away. The fact that all these adults overlooked the presence of a child right there was fairly unforgivable.

Nevertheless, this all resulted in Joe Gorga pounding the table with his hand, which I believe might just be the Italian call to arms. Thank goodness for tables: otherwise the Giudices would never be able to express themselves. More hostile words were had, and soon Joe Gorga was at his feet screaming at Teresa to go away. That’s what she did, but then just off camera, we heard Joe Giudice yell, “I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch!” Or something like that. And then it was on.

If you thought the Danielle vs. Teresa brawl at the Brownstone last year was insane, it was nothing compared to this. Soon EVERYONE was fighting: the Joes, Melissa (the cameras caught her kicking someone on the ground), some random dude, and even Teresa’s dad, who despite a heart ailment was still shoving people with the best of them. It was pure pandemonium. I guess this is how they do it in Paterson.

Technically, this was all Joe Giudice’s fault for lunging at Joe Gorga; however, an argument can be made that Joe Gorga’s temper was the real culprit. Either way, both Joes were out of control, and by the time the dust had settled, things had gone from crazy violent to crazy emotional. Joe Gorga sat with his parents and pleaded for them to respect him. He told them that Joe Giudice was coloring their views about him, etc. etc.. Finally, Joe Gorga rose as his father said “I’m proud of you!” But when Joe ignored him — whether intentional or not — his father lashed out and mocked him for running crying to his mother. He then followed this with accusations of being selfish. It was one of those tragic, awful family moments where suddenly a lifetime of emotional abuse plays before your eyes. No wonder Joe Gorga is so emotional and angry — his father has been toying with him all his life — praising then emasculating, lifting up then bashing. It’s enough to make Livia Soprano seem like an angel.

True, I’m gleaning all this from one very small interaction, but then watching Joe Gorga sob to his father “I’m your son! I am your son!” one has to think I might be on the right track.

And this was just the first episode.

As for the Manzos, they were all up to the usual, affable junk. Caroline was crushed that her sons were moving off to Hoboken — a maternal instinct I certainly sympathized for, but honestly, Caroline, you should have been so lucky to have had them as long as you did. And it’s not like they’ve trekked off to Bolivia (although, I would like to see that). When Caroline wasn’t tearing up over her sons, she was slaving away at a Southern style dinner, which didn’t look terribly successful. Still, I’d rather be there than stuck in the great Giudice-Gorga brawl of 2011.

Lastly, we had Jacqueline and her idiot daughter Ashley. For all of one second, I had hopes that Ash had grown up and done something with herself, thanks to a swanky new internship with none other than Lizzie Grubman. That all changed when she had a temper tantrum upon learning that her parents wouldn’t front the money for an apartment in New York City. Ashley crumbled into a pile of tears, bemoaning the difficulties of a morning commute — something that Lizzie (who was right THERE, the horrors) seemed totally unsympathetic to until her maternal instinct kicked in. She then consoled her spoiled protege, saying that Ashley was like a carbon copy of her at that age (except, you know, minus the potential). I have a hard time Lizzie Grubman would ever take time to give a pep talk to an intern like Ashley, and the whole scene made me pine for Kelly Cutrone to waltz in and kick the dumb girl to the curb.

After this bizarre scene, Ashley had lunch with Jacqueline and Chris, who tried to impart helpful advice, but Ashley just whined and acted like a petulant seven-year old. One must wonder where she gets it from… that is, until Jacqueline opens her mouth (or at least tries to). Yes, when Jacqueline wasn’t busy peppering Chris’s advice with passive-aggressive quips and digs, she was trying to add her own useful commentary to the mix. However, Chris wouldn’t let her talk (rightfully so), causing Jacqueline to storm out of the restaurant in tears. Three cheers for emotional maturity.

Looks like we have an awesome season in front of us…

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“I don’t know if I can deal with this new apartment. Are you sure you don’t want to maybe move out when you’re forty-five?”

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“The worst moment in a mother’s life: when her two sons decide to move thirty-five minutes away.”

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“You know, Ashley, Lizzie Grubman says you’re doing a great job. The way you wrote November in pink on the wall calendar was totally inspired. You’re really coming up in the world!”

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“Ashley, please stop crying. Lizzie is right here. If you don’t act professional, she will LITERALLY run you over in her car.”
Lizzie: “I will.”

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Jacqueline: “My husband is always so calm and sensical. HE’S THE WORST.”

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“It’s not fair! I have to, like, wake UP in the morning. And, like, commute! You don’t realize how hard that is! And then I have to work for, like, two days a week!”

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“Oh hi, ME!”

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“Hey Melissa, where’s my polo shirt? Is it hanging out with Joe Giudice again? That breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. How could my polo shirt let that man get into his head? YOU’RE MY POLO SHIRT! YOU’RE MY POLO SHIRT!!!!”

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“This is my very beautiful and classy portrait. Just like Mariah Carey, except we did ours at Sears.”

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Kathy: “Cheers to family. And Melissa wearing her White Swan outfit.”

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Joe: “Melissa is going to be the lead in Swan Lake.”
“Yeah, I just need to have a lesbian scene with Mila Kunis or something and I should be all set.”

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“I’m listening — I just got some chewed up bread stuck behind my teeth. You know when that happens? I don’t want to stick my finger in there, but… keep talking. Don’t mind me.”

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“I’m so excited to welcome this makeup brush into the kingdom of Jesus.”

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“Audriana can’t go to the christening. She has a pageant in two hours and a spin class after.”

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Melissa: “This is my dream come true: to dress my son like one of those little chefs on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box.”

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“Hurry up, girls. I didn’t dress you up like blood clots for nuthin’.”

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Kathy: “I do not care for Phil Donahue.”

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Teresa: “Hi guyyyyys. Just wanted to say congrats… on having a really lame christening.”

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Joe: “Walk away like the garbage you are.”
Melissa: “Joe. JOE. That’s not right. She’s a whore, not garbage.”

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Joe Giudice: “You think you’re so smart? I’ll kick your ass, you sumbitch! I know Italian karate!”
“Yeah? And what’s that?”
“It’s when you pose like kung fu and then have a goon shoot you in the back of the head.”

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“Hey Joe, kiss me before anyone sees.”
“Who the hell are yous?”
“Just a drunk waitress.”

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“I WANT TO GO TO DISNEY CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE!!!”

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Lady: “Listen to me, Joe. LISTEN TO ME: I left my shawl in your car. Don’t let me forget it.”
“NOT THE TIME, REGINA!”

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“Gasp! Someone just knocked over the sculpture of Baby Jesus made from canolis!”

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Old lady in the back: “All I asked was to turn the heat up, and this is what happens.”

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“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe this fight! And I was just about to sing Celine Dion to baby Giuseppe!”

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“Hey Tre, let’s drunk drive home, okay?”

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“I will not calm down until SOMEONE tells me why my DVR did not record Glee! And don’t give me this ‘there was a conflict’ business because there were NO CONFLICTS!”

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Teresa: “Oh gawd. This is horrible. Horrible. But as long as you ladies are here, can I interest you in my cookbook?”

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“Honestly, what I really want right now is a falafel.”

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“I’m your son! You should be proud of me!”
“I am proud of you! Except when you act like a pussy and cry to your mother!”
“See, this isn’t helping, Dad.”
“Help is for pussies. Like YOU. But I’m proud of you!”

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“I wonder how the christening is going. Couldn’t be much worse than us Italians making soul food from the South! Hahahaha!!!”

What did you think about the premiere? Team Melissa or Team Teresa? Team Juicy Joe or Team Lil Joe?

53 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Beyond Epic. Beyond.”

  1. Let me first commend you on your worth ethnic by getting this entry up so fast! This episode was overwhelming, it was too much…too much hair, too much make up, too many fights, too much slutacious church-wear, too many odd illusions to “Jesus’s Kingdom,” too many crucifixes fashioned into cakes and ice sculptures, too much entitlement, too many oddly pedaled and slightly affected bike rides to the grocery store, too much overspending (NB: Theresa, if you’ve declared bankruptcy, maybe you do your own hair and make up for a while?). It was just. so. much. Lazy child of Jacqueline aside (apropos to that, I’m too lazy to scroll up and get her name), my major takeaway was that these people are all children. I mean, there was something soooo toddler-like, actually borderline un-evolved, about the Theresa/Joe/Joe/Melissa mess. They really acted like animals in the wild. Again, it was too much. I too like Kathy, who I think bears something of a resemblance to Bethenny Frankel. That’s it: she’s an older, tanner, slightly more weathered, less acidic Betheny. And I love me some Betheny.

    1. Well, now there is another place the ‘family’ can’t go back to again. First, the restaurant where the table was flipped, then the Country Club (the ‘fashion’ show), & now The Manor. Of course, The Brownstone doesn’t count, since you can’t kick out ‘family’. But that may change.

      Don’t these women ever drink anything but wine? Is the water in NJ that bad?

      That idiot daughter of Jacqueline’s really needs to get rid of the mushroom on her head, & close her mouth. It makes her look like a rabbit.

  2. Ashley is a spoiled manipulative brat. C’mon! Asking for financial support in front of her boss and co-workers?! She needs to be kicked to the curb and grow the hell up.

      1. Ordinarily, she’d be to dumb. But she only has to manipulate Jacqueline and Chris while the rest of the world shakes their head.

  3. This was awesome, but I really, really want Kim G. to show up this season. It’s just not New Jersey without the “older lady” flying around like a gnat. Wouldn’t Melissa like to befriend her, just to irritate Teresa?

    1. We might not see much of Kim G. as she’s dating Michale Lohan now… I just saw a picture on popeater of them kissing……i had to boil my eyes

  4. I love how Teresa and Joe Go married people just like their siblings. Not creepy or incestual at all…

  5. This was the first time my husband watched Housewives without pissin and moanin. It was a great episode just LOVED IT!
    I have Teresa’s cookbook and she acknowledged her brother and his family in the acknowledgements. Melissa and her gang were pronouncing Guidice wrong and they must know better. That is an insult. Big time. The cookbook has a whole section in red on the subject.
    Looking forward to this season.

  6. Oh, I got a TOTAL Jeff Goldblum vibe from Rich! And therefore I loved him.

    I liked Kathy a lot (I think her son is also named Joe? Someone get these people a baby name book). I wanted to like Melissa based solely on the fact that I hate Theresa & clan, but I didn’t care for all her holier-than-thou comments about Jesus, family, proper etiquette, etc.

    Ashley and her subplots have got to go.

    That said, this episode was absolutely amazing. Bravo played it a second time immediately after the episode aired, and I was just as riveted.

    1. i thought i had to be the only person in the world who got the jeff goldblum vibe. there is something so endearing about rich. i hope we get to see a lot more of him.

  7. Best Bside recap ev-uh.. Now the challenge for the season will be differentiating between doze Joes. And dis ep was definitely a case of having to watch more than once to take it awl in.

    Bravo outdid themselves with some artful editing, too. If we hadn’t been forced to sit through the Manzos and their stupid Southern cooking (any decent southern cook knows it’s cornbread that goes with chili… Not biscuits!), and that lame “Cajun” gibberish, it would have been almost Trash TV perfection. The Manzos are as interesting as the Ham Game they enjoy so much.

    But where else could Lizzie Grubman get TV time but on this show, and with that awful butter face Ashley at that.

    I attended an in-law half-Italian Catholic christening in Jersey last fall, and even though there were ex-husbands/wives involved, there wasn’t a bit of drama. Everyone got along. Geez, I must have married into the wrong crowd!

  8. Why were there women restraining the men? Did anyone else notice?

    Also, Ashley’s three finger fake diamond ring made me gag.

    I am excited.

  9. Soooooo excited you have this recap up!!! But I have to disagree on the Gorga/Guidice dynamic. I cannot believe that Joe and Melissa actually made me feel sorry for Teresa?! If anyone is ‘getting into anyone’s head,’ it is Melissa getting into her husband’s head and trash talking Teresa, IMO. She clearly does not want her husband and his sister to have a close relationship. Also, if she mentioned Jesus and his Kingdom one more time, I might have punched my TV.

    My FAVORITE part of the night was Rich answering if he ‘was hot for Kathy’ by saying he was ‘SIZZLING! SIZZLING!’ in those crazy glasses. Openly guffawed on that one!

    Second favorite part was the dude that stood on the chair during the fight imploring everyone to stop by shouting, ‘It’s a f*ckin’ kid’s christening! If you want to fight, there’s the f*ckin’ door!!’ or something to that effect. Who knew people got so drunk at a Christening party?

    Ashley is seriously the WORST. Cut her off and make her grow the eff up.

    And — did everyone see the news about Danielle’s new career? Ick but not surprising. Can’t say I miss her at all on this show.

    1. I went to a taping of Conan yesterday and he made a joke about Danielle becoming a stripper (“industry insiders called it a ‘lateral move,'” BAHAHA STILL FUNNY), and I was totally that person that laughed way too hard and way too loud about it, then had to lock it up because I looked like an asshole. It was AWESOME.

  10. I usually agree with you B, but I have to say I’m definitely Team Giudice! While Joe Gi has definitely made some poor decisions, you have to give the guy some credit for moving from the Construction business to the Pizza business to support his family. Melissa makes comments that the Gorgas “pay their bills.” I wonder how lucrative the real estate developing market is in Hoboken? Looks like she might end up in Danielle’s new line of work, if she doesn’t watch it! Praise Jesus!

    Joe Go is a whining moolie and I’m sure the season will prove that. If you want a relationship with your Father, go see him! And if you hate your sister and her husband so much, why go on reality TV with them?

    Joe Gi could kill everyone at the party with a dry salame swinging! Don’t mess with him Joe Go! You might end up with cement shoes and wash up on the Jersey Shore!

    1. Totally with you about feeling bad for Teresa. In all of Melissa’s interviews she had cheap shots to take at Teresa. I didn’t get the same attitude from Teresa’s interview.

      Also, all of Melissa’s (and Joe Go for that matter) complaints were so stupid and petty. Never said her house was pretty? Didn’t talk to them at parties…or talk to then ENOUGH? Its not like a camera crew went to all the Giudice’s parties to film them interacting with the other cast members. They don’t pay their bills? How does that upset YOU, Melissa?

      Seriously, first episode and this chick is on my shit list.

      The Manzos…boring. And Jacqueline is just as stupid and immature as her dense daughter. She lectures Ashley about how hard she worked when she was a single mom but aren’t there a bunch of blind items of her having been a call girl in Vegas when she was younger?

      1. Also, agree about Teresa. I have never been a big fan of hers, but Melissa was really a piece of work. She spared no opportunity to trash talk Teresa or Joe, and it all seemed really petty. If Teresa did acknowledge her brother Joey in her book, that hardly seems like a shun. And, Joey’s behavior to Teresa when she came up to congratulate her at the christening was horrible. So much for the “family is everything” mentality.

  11. Ladies and Gentlemen, a new star is born…Joe Gorga! Holy hell, does he have real emotional issues! I felt sorry for him cuz he seems to be carrying so much emotional pain. He was crying and then angry and then cocky and then he gives Gia affection, etc. etc…

    At some point, I couldn’t believe this stuff wasn’t scripted…the whole episode was like some cheap mafia movie on Lifetime.

    I have to admit, I never thought RHNJ was that good. It wasn’t fun when it was 4 women versus 1. But the producers definitely hit the right note this season. The drama and conflict seems genuine.

  12. Joe Gorga & his sister Teresa are two peas in a pod. No one is “in the right” in this one — they both act like wild animals & have perpetuated this jealousy & back biting by their spouses in some sort of sick dysfunctional family game when, as the siblings here, should have stopped that cr@p a long time ago. Maybe deep down they both want to f*ck each other — that is how creepy & insane they both are (and judging by who they each married, it kind of fits).

    Joe Guidice said “I’ll kill all of YOUS” (with an “s”). Still LMAO on that one.

    I definitely like Kathy & Rich — I also liked Joe Gorga’s brother-in-law with the high pitched voice (also named Joe; married to Melissa’s sh!t stirring sister, Lysa) when he said “Joe Guidice didn’t say ‘hi’ to me — ya know why? Because he owes me money!”

    I can tell you, for those curious, the reason for all the same names is because the kids are traditionally named after family members (ie, first son named after paternal grandfather, second son after maternal grandfather, first daughter named after paternal grandmother, etc) not some random picking of names that are “in style” or “unique.” IMO, that is nice — because the kid’s name actually honors/ties them to ancestors.

    1. THANK YOU!!! Why do people think they have to be on one (AWFUL) side or the other. They both are horrible cretins.

  13. @MissMakin – totally with you on the not missing the stripper one bit. Her prediction that the ratings would go down were as false as her breasticles.

    I loved the old lady sitting calmly in the background while the melee swirled around her. You know this was not the first time she had seen a donnybrook break out at a family gathering. They probably refer to events in their lives by the fights .. “Remember the fracas of ’03? E ‘stato epico.!”

    hb

  14. “Hurry up, girls. I didn’t dress you up like blood clots for nuthin’.”
    That killed me.

  15. For the record, burnt biscuits, chili and chicken fried steak should never EVER be served together. That’s nasty. Chili should be served alone or possibly over some Frito’s for some delicious Frito pie with just a lil bit of cheese. Chicken fried steak should be served with country gravy, some mashed potatoes and a veggie side. Burnt biscuits should be trashed. Bad Caroline.

  16. I have never been on team “Juicy” and don’t expect to be again soon, but he had two things working in his favor. One he was not drinking, shockingly, unlike Joey Go who was smashed. And two, the guy was calling his wife garbage, so of course he is going to step up for her and threaten all of youse. I laughed how Melissa blamed it all on Juicy charging at them like a bull.

    I am also no fan of Teresa and how she is always stirring things up, like at the fashion show last year with Danielle, but I don’t think she meant any harm by saying congratulations to them at the reception.

    I am still in shock over this episode – my brain couldn’t process the 90 minutes of it at once on Monday.

  17. I do not miss Danielle on bit! I caught about 5 minutes of the re-runs from last season and could hardly watch her!!

    I’m not on either team. I don’t understand how you can keep your giant house, have a make-up artist, and a hairdresser and all the rest of the crap they have after you have been through a bankruptcy. I’m positive that pizza shop is not pulling in that much cash.

    Looks like Joe Gorga was jealous of his sister’s new fame and his wife was fueling the fire. I have no idea what’s going on with their parents, but it looks like a mess.

  18. Was anyone else grossed out by the new Joe kissing and sniffing his wife’s toes? One two tree times..

  19. LOVE LOVE LOVE is all I have to say. Love the show, Love that you put the blog up ASAP and Love the madness.

  20. Oh, dear . . . where to begin?

    What was up with all that Jesus and the Kingdom talk? Especially in the car on the way, when she asked the kid if he was ready to enter the Kingdom? Were they planning on sending him on his way there THAT DAY?

    I was totally embarrassed for Ashley, falling to pieces standing right there in the middle of all her new coworkers, with her mother and her boss, bawling her eyes out over having to get up every morning and commute to the city for work. That’s so not the way to earn anyone’s respect, and I could just imagine all the talk that started behind her back after that.

    Equally uncomfortable after the brawl at the christening. Those poor kids. That’s all I could think of (although I admit to being guiltily entertained and thrilled by the trash unfolding before my eyes). Those poor kids must have been absolutely traumatized by that whole thing.

    But will it stop me from watching? Nope. Not a chance.

  21. This could be my favorite photocap ever! But I will miss that Ashley is no longer pursuing modeling as those were my favorite photocaps ever. Hopefully she’ll give it a go again if this unpaid internship that she never shows up for doesn’t pan out…..

  22. This show and the great recaps are just the ticket! And no, Danielle, we don’t miss you. Go swing your pole at Scores and continue to kid yourself that you are a lady. Great example to set for your daughters, btw…

    Caroline – snore, snore…jesus christ, if you wake up one day at 70 and wonder why you have no grandkids and one of your son’s latest girlfriends dumped his “mommy is always right” ass, take a look in the mirror. As Patsy (AbFab) would say: Cut the cord!!!

    Jackie: – Wow, Frankenstein’s monster is ANGRY and want OWN place to stay and come to work LATE. Hey, congrats on the prize Ashley has turned out to be. (Btw, besides plowing down folks in the Hamptons, what else is Grubman famous for?)

    Teresa: Eek, how the mighty have fallen. Gotta say, for now I am on Team JewDice (duh-doich!!) cause me no likey Melissa and lil’ Joe . Now, I am sure that heiffa will do something that will make me hate her (thank you, Bravo!) but that family dynamic is not all her fault, as B-Side astutely noted.

    I like Kathy and Rich so far – only because I imagine the conversation that occurred when she said she was going to marry him. With appropriate Italian hand gestures… Dad: WHADDAYA MEAN? HE’S LEBANESE, NOT ITALIAN!! HE IS NOT PRAYING TO DA SAME GOD!!! Kathy: “HE IS CHRISTIAN, POP!!! JESUS CHRIST WAS BORN IN THE MIDDLE EAST!! JESUS!!….SON OF GOD!!…HELLO????!!!!”

    Melissa – yuck and double yuck. You are two faced lying ass biatch. But welcome aboard the Kingdom of Cohen…oops, I mean Heaven, honey!!

  23. Alls I can say is….I will clap for this recap (Guffaw-ing the whole time) and for the fabulous awfulness of this show!
    I can see every single kid in this show taking this taped episode to their psychologist’s office to show how awful their parents were. Fortunately, it will save them alot of time rehashing their childhoods, so that they can get into the necessary behavioral changes quicker. Unfortunately, it may be too late for Albie and Chris, but hope for the younger ones.
    I do enjoy Kathy and her bespectacled hubby. She gives me hope that after 3 seasons, we might actually have a voice of reason that we can respect and not feel bullied (Caroline) or shallowly cajoled (Jacqueline) into?
    There might be hope for New Jersey yet.

  24. “I’m so excited to welcome this makeup brush into the kingdom of Jesus.”

    YES! hahahahaa

  25. Bside your recap rocked as usual. I can not get enough jersey(jersey shore,jerseylicious,mob wives etc).This premiere was perfect in every way,very pleased with the staub exit.Shots at a christening? Really people?For the record,Melissa is hot!

  26. Hilarious and accurate recap – I spit my Diet Coke out on the monitor on the Joey/Kangaroo comment. It was probably one of best housewife episodes ever.

    I think the real sleeper drama will be with the evil minon Melissa sista’s.
    Lisa Sista stirred up JoGo and Melissa Sis to the Max at the party…she is going to be a bonus treat to watch for this Season.

    1. That sista is totally angling for a spot on this cast. I blame her for the whole freaking fight.

  27. Andy’s definitely got a hit on his hands with this one. The proof is my husband actually watched a repeat of the ep last night and totally ate it up. There’s no doubt he’ll be back for more. Heh heh heh… Bravo’s finally hooked him onto something. They’re pure evil, aren’t they?

  28. Just imagine what the reunion is going to be like – I’m a little scared for Mr. Cohen……

    1. I would love for BRAVO to give Andy a taser so he could zap anyone who got out of hand. ¡Non tase me bro!

      hb

  29. I am in complete agreement with your assessment on the Gorga-Giudice dynamic. I’m team Gorga all the way, and here’s why: Teresa is a shit stirrer. We saw almost the exact same scene last season at the country club after the Posche fashion show – with the whole “Is bitch better?” thing. Also, the fact that Gia, an eight year old child, was trying to pull Teresa away from Joey G. like that, tells me that she has seen her mother pick fights with him like that many times before. I can’t believe that anyone would have sympathy for her. That whole “Congratulations” thing was nothing more than self-serving bullshit for the camera. This is her third season, she’s a pro by now. Maybe I’m giving her too much credit, but she should have known that her over the top phoniness would have caused her short-tempered and intoxicated estranged brother to erupt in such an over-the-top way. I don’t doubt that she expected or even hoped for this kind of implosion, because wasn’t she holding out for more money for the third season, and there was even some speculation that she wouldn’t come back? She caused the fight because not only is that her nature, but she knew she had to “bring the drama,” for Bravo.

  30. Not only have all acts of violence on this show been caused by/perpetrated by/involved Teresa, but that is the very reason why she gained so much notoriety (and popularity, apparently as her “cookbook” became such a hit) to begin with – for the table flipping.

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