I had been so proud of Countess LuAnn. This season of The Real Housewives of New York City, she’d pulled back on the judgmental haughtiness and returned to being simply haughty, but on tonight’s episode, the DeLesseps monster reared its ugly head. LuAnn was on a rampage all episode, and most of her rage was directed at Ramona, her longtime arch nemesis.
The cattiness appeared right at the top of the show as LuAnn and Ramona sat down for what should have been a lovely lunch. The Countess complimented Ramona on having a delightful wine part the night before and then went on to say that the Pinot Grigio was just lovely. How charming! And then in the same breath, the knives came out as LuAnn sneered, “Too bad you had to CHEAPEN it by having it out with Jill in front of your guests.” I guess it really is true: money can’t buy you class.
Well, LuAnn was on a warpath, which was ironic considering she was accusing Ramona of being on a warpath. It’s true: Ramona should not have confronted Jill at the wine party, but it was a bit silly of LuAnn to take it upon herself to get in the middle of this mess. The alleged ulterior motive was that LuAnn wanted all the women to be drama-free before going off to Morocco, which is a whole other mess to discuss.
The long and the short of it is that LuAnn felt the best way to resolve the tension in the group was for a group trip to Morocco. And as we all saw from last season, nothing brings these girls closer together than a vacation together! Nevertheless, LuAnn reminded us many times over that she had been to Morocco oodles of times (and yes, she’s ridden a camel, darling), and soon the wheels were put in motion to invite all the girls.
That brought us back to LuAnn and Ramona’s little discussion. LuAnn claimed its purpose was to clear the air of any drama between the women, but we all knew the real reason LuAnn summoned Ramona was simply so she could berate her a bit more. LuAnn has clearly never liked Ramona, and I’m not sure she’s ever fully forgiven her for the incident at the Cancer Society (NOT the Cancer Society! Never the Cancer Society!). And thus any time LuAnn has had a chance to make a little dig at Ramona, she’s taken it.
This episode, however, portrayed LuAnn as a woman on the verge of a catfight. Not only did she condescendingly attack Ramona at lunch, but later on, she full on bitched her out over some ridiculousness involving a designer. It was actually a wonderful moment of self-importance — on both women’s parts. Basically, LuAnn was annoyed that Ramona hadn’t shared her connections with designer David Meister. Ramona defended herself by saying that David Meister provided her signature look and that she didn’t want LuAnn to encroach on that. Please, let me pause so you can roll your eyes.
LuAnn was acting a fool for making such a stink over something so stupid (and for calling Ramona “bitchy” at a charity event while simultaneously carrying the torch for class and etiquette). Ramona, meanwhile, was also acting a fool for believing herself important enough to have or deserve a “signature look.” I hope both women wind up blacklisted at David Meister (and Ungaro for that matter — that’s LuAnn’s preferred design house).
It was in the middle of this fracas that Alex stepped up and implored LuAnn to zip it, noting that The Countess was the only one being negative at the event. This, of course, led to the most famous line of the season: “She is a thug in a cocktail dress.” Surprise! It wasn’t about Sonja!
Amusingly, LuAnn then went in for the kill by telling Ramona that all the women had not only gone off on a spa weekend without her but that they had all agreed that they didn’t want to be on a trip with HER. I actually felt that LuAnn was being rather vile at this moment. Say what you will about Ramona, but she’s very sensitive and emotional, and LuAnn knew that. She knew this would sting particularly bad, and I half expected Ramoner to break down in tears right then and there. Amazingly though, Ramona stayed calm and simply reiterated what was clear to everyone but LuAnn: that the Countess was trying to start a fight. NEVER, DARLING!
LuAnn then tried to blame it all on Ramona by saying that she had promised to make good with Jill but had yet to do so. Too bad The Countess didn’t get the memo that Jill and Ramona had taken the first few steps towards resolution just minutes prior. Oops. Basically, it was a shit show.
Ramona would have gotten off Scot free had she not gone and made a fool of herself in a completely different way minutes later. Turns out she had arrived at the event with a case of her own wine, and while Jill thought it was to be auctioned off, Ramona felt it should be syphoned off… into her mouth. Soon she was ordering the caterers around, asking that they bust out the Ramona Pinot Grigio. It was a bit — what’s the word? Ah yes. Déclassé. But not entirely unexpected.
Soon enough, Jill and LuAnn were murmuring about Ramona being an alcoholic, which might not have been an unfair statement. Then again, Bravo was more than happy to show us shot after shot of Ramona pouring wine, looking for wine, drinking wine, and all but giving birth to wine. A final scene wherein Ramona told Jill that she almost forgot that her stepdaughter was DEFORMED really drove the point home. To be fair, I knew what Ramona was trying to say, but the way it came out — to quote Cindy Barshop: “I mean, seriously?”
Elsewhere in the episode, things were rather tame. Sonja did a sexy photo shoot for her toaster oven cook book, and guess what? She forgot her underwear again. How convenient. Now, if you’re wondering why Sonja is putting out a toaster oven cook book, the reason is that she told the New York Post that she loved cooking out of a toaster oven, and apparently, the news just spread like wildfire. I’m not sure which circles clung to this circle, but last time I checked, the masses were not yearning to see Sonja’s magical concoctions.
And yet, I’d totally buy the book (and by “buy,” I mean hit up the publisher for a free copy for review).
As for Kelly, she had a mildly significant episode in that she revealed that her ex-husband had slapped her. This led to LuAnn hugging Kelly emotionally before stating that she couldn’t believe that SHE hadn’t known about this. I’m surprised she didn’t add, “Now let’s get back to calling Ramona a diva bitch.”
Lastly, we had Cindy, who did very little this episode beyond having a silly moment at a drum circle. Yes, there was a drum circle. What more do I need to say? This is why this show is so amazing. Any producer who thought of having Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon beating out a West African rhythm knows what’s up.
Here are photos:
“Darling, we need a break. One can only have so many leisurely lunches and spa retreats before it just becomes TOO stressful!”
“Morocco, eh? Do you think I can sell my SEXY TOASTER OVEN book at a bazaar?”
“Darling, I’ve been to Morocco many times, and I can assure you that it’s very Westernized. But no, they won’t like your sexy toaster oven book.”
“How about a suggestive tagine of some sort?”
“Well, as someone who’s been to Morocco MANY times, I can say that they would love a sexy tagine — but make sure it’s more tagine than vagine.”
“How about if I put a little hat on my toaster oven and call it a tagine?”
“Well, darling, I don’t see what’s wrong with that. I’ve been to Morocco MANY times, and the people are just lovely. It’s like going to Paris. Well, not PARIS. It’s a bit rougher than that.”
“Oh — like downtown?”
“Just answer me this: is there a Cipriani’s? Because otherwise, you might as well ship me off to Quogue.”
“Darling, that’s just offensive.”
“Hello, this is Countess LuAnn DeLesseps, and I would like to order a David Meister dress. What do you mean I’ve been banned? Don’t you realize you’re talking to a lady with a courtesy title?”
“Ahem, yes, hello. This is the Countess LuAnn DeLesseps. I’d like to speak with the Ministry of Tourism for Morocco. We are friends. I’ve been to Morocco MANY times…. excuse me? What do you mean this is Blockbuster Video?”
“Well, as long as I have you on the phone, I’d like to reserve a copy of Cats vs. Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.”
“What do you mean Ramona reserved the entire Cats vs. Dogs franchise? That’s an awfully BITCHY thing of her to do!”
“I just threw a car battery at my driver. I’m sorry — I just had to do it!”
LuAnn: “Your party was rather lovely last night. The wine was delicious. And the crowd quite sophisticated. Too bad you had to go and CHEAPEN IT with your behavior, which is clearly not as classy as mine.”
“Now you’re being a bully, LuAnn. No. You know what you are? You’re déclassé. Sorry! That’s what you are.”
“Darling, that’s not the way a hostess acts. One must be civilized, and by that I mean ‘full of rage that can only be expressed through passive-aggressive insults that borderline on crude.’”
“Finally, a cook book for the woman who wants to slut it up when she bakes escargot in her toaster oven.”
“I’m so happy to be the Grand Marshall of toast.”
LuAnn: “Would you believe Ramona won’t give me her contacts at David Meister? I mean, how NASTY! She can be about as ugly as the camels in Morocco, WHICH I’ve ridden many times on account of having been to Morocco MANY times.”
“Darling, I can’t believe I never knew you were abused. Now… be a dear and call up David Meister for me, mmkay?”
“Wow, Cindy!!! A plush robe with my initials embroidered in! What’d this cost? $200?? It’s beautiful. Hey, how’s my koala keychain treating you?”
Ramona: “I look pretty good, huh? I do squats for thirty minutes a day. Not so bad, huh? Not so bad!”
Doctor: “You look like a modern-day Aphrodite. And I don’t just say that because I’ve designed this room to look like the interior of the Acropolis.”
LuAnn: “I won’t let Ramona ruin Morocco. That’s for ALL of us to do.”
“I have to write down a word? I mean, seriously?”
Jill: “C’mon, Cindy. You can be funnier than that.”
“That wasn’t a funny quip to you? I mean, seriously?”
LuAnn: “Darling, you can’t have such a goofy mouth and not be funny.”
“Really, LuAnn? I mean, seriously?”
Jill: “She can’t do it. She can’t.”
Kelly: “This is fun!”
LuAnn: “You know what we should do? We should write down every single thing we hate about Ramona! I’ll start: CRAZY EYES.”
Jill: “Hi! How are you?”
“Look at me: a model party guest. I’m being dignified and classy… unlike that nasty bitch Ramona Singer. Signature look my ass.”
“You are looking to start a fight!”
“I most certainly am not. But for the record, I went to something that you weren’t invited to, and everyone there said they hated you.”
“If I weren’t already blitzed on Pinot, I would smack you in the face.”
“‘Theeeeese dreams go on when I close my eyes / every second of the night I live another life…’”
“Alex, why are you singing Heart?”
“It just felt appropriate. ‘Is it cloak and dagger / Could it be Spring or Fall…’”
“Alex, you are hardly a thrush.”
“Excuse me, Alex has a beautiful voice, and I happen to love ‘These Dreams.’”
“Well, I wouldn’t say her voice is beautiful. Last time I checked, she wasn’t burning up the airwaves with her own dance single about the perils of gauche behavior.”
“YOU… are a thug in a cocktail dress!”
“Oh… that was a good line, Alex. Look at LuAnn. She can barely believe you said it.”
“Well, it’s the truth. She IS a thug in a cocktail dress.”
“It better not be a David Meister cocktail dress!”
“Would you believe Alex called me a thug? How NASTY! Why, I oughta march right out of here and keep on walking until I feel better, and if my unplanned journey takes me to the studios of David Meister, SO BE IT!”
“STAY AWAY FROM MY SIGNATURE LOOK!”
“Darling, I have no control over the path that my feet may take me on.”
“I WILL PUNCH YOU, LUANN!”
“Go ahead. But please remember that under this UNGARO dress is a very heavy, very protective brass butterfly. It’s not my fault if you break your knuckles.”
“I don’t mean to break up the party, but I just learned that my koala bear tchotchkes are out of production; so please note that you are all in possession of antiques.”
LuAnn: “I’m so HAPPY you’ll be coming to Morocco with us! Now, do me a solid and get me a burka from David Meister. Just say it’s for Ramona.”
Jill: “What was that noise?”
LuAnn: “It was the woman behind me. She just passed gas. I’m pretending like I don’t notice.”
Whose side are you on? LuAnn or Ramona?