I was in the midst of a cyber-attack last week, and so I never got around to writing about Peggy’s epic dinner party disaster on The Real Housewives of Orange County, but that’s okay because this week, we got to enjoy the repercussions. As you may remember, Alexis spent a majority of the dinner party locked in the bathroom, pining for her husband Jim, who had opted not to attend because he hates the catty women (probably because a) they are empowered, b) outspoken, and c) on to his shifty business). Left on her own for the first time, Alexis was a total mess, which made her more pathetic than usual — and that’s saying something. This week she revealed that the reason behind her hysteria was that she hated having to lie about her husband’s whereabouts and then she started to miss him, and with all these emotions bouncing around that cute, little head of hers, it was just too much to handle. Hence, the tears.
Alexis told this much to Peggy, but the Heidi Montag lookalike wasn’t having any of it. She noted that it was still rude of Jim not to come, and even though Alexis bristled at this notion, Peggy was totally correct. After all, even if Jim didn’t like Alexis’s friends, he still should have supported his wife and honored the invitation. That, however, would suggest that Jim is anything but self-interested, self-absorbed, and selfish.
Good ol’ Jim. He’s a real class act. We got a nice, healthy dose of Jim later in the episode when he attempted to direct Alexis’s modeling session. This was a recipe for a disaster. In fact, it was already an epic catastrophe before Jim had even gotten there. You see, Alexis wanted photos of her in her dress line — amusingly named Alexis Couture. It’s kind of a great name, if only because I’ve always wondered what the opposite of haute couture was. Now I know: Alexis Couture.
Anyway, under the artistic direction of makeup artist turned fashion designer turned Octomom lip enthusiast Tal, Alexis posed all around the St. Regis hotel, managing to bring a certain call girl charm to the otherwise highfalutin establishment. The dresses were hideous. I mean, they were hid-eee-US. First off, they all seemed to cut off just below her longest vagina pube. Secondly, they all had Blanche Devereaux sleeves. And third of all, they all looked like rejects from the Spring 1994 Victoria’s Secret catalogue. Watching Alexis attempt to strike an “editorial” pose with her slutwear was beyond hilarious. I particularly liked one challenging setup that had Alexis thrust up against a banister with a look on her face like she was being chased by the ghosts from Pac-Man.
Then Jim showed up and pushed the whore quotient to a new level. Soon we had images of Alexis bent over a piano with her muff practically hanging out. This was followed by an inexplicably surreal pose that had Alexis facing a wall with her butt pushed out. For some reason, I don’t think Anna Wintour will be commissioning Jim to be heading up any of her photo shoots anytime soon.
Of course, if there’s anything that speaks of high fashion, it’s a smoke machine. You don’t need me to tell you where this went: lights, camera, SMOKE ALARM! Needless to say, this was a horrifying moment in fashion history.
Elsewhere on the show, Vicki, Peggy, and Tamra went on a wine tasting in Temecula. It was an affable storyline, especially since the women kept getting drunker. It was all fun and laughter — with a few subtly racist touches when it came to one Puerto Rican gentleman — but when Peggy began asking about Donn, things fell apart. Vicki donned her greatest Repressed Housewife guise yet and told the women that everything was perfect… PERFECT!!! (as she choked down some tears behind a swig of wine). It was fairly amazing.
Sadly though, things aren’t perfect for Vicki. Her marriage to Donn has been falling apart on camera, and as she said it, you need all the wheels on the car to drive, and they’ve got three flats with no more spares. PLUS let’s not forget about that empty love tank. Damn, someone really sold them a lemon.
Vicki also informed us that the real problem was that there was no communication between her and Donn, which might be a simply problem to remedy if Vicki were to ANSWER ONE OF DONN’S QUESTIONS FOR ONCE. Damn, that woman does not like her husband.
Anyway, there were other notable moments — the second return of Lynne (!!), Fernanda crushing on Tamra, Peggy’s slutty boudoir photoshoot (at least she owns up to the sluttiness) — but they weren’t as interesting as the main story lines. Here’s the photocap:
“I can’t believe Fernanda would kiss and tell. I mean, I literally can’t believe she can do it. I thought for sure I welded her lips together after I kissed her with my HOTNESS, which I HAVE!”
“Alexis, I thought it was really rude of Jim to not come to my dinner party.”
“He had business.”
“He knew a month ago.”
“It was Jesus business. And you know how Jesus is: on a Friday he’s all ‘Oh hey, you mind taking on this project?’ Hahahaha… Jesus.”
“I don’t believe you. I held a Coke can and a sprig of rosemary earlier, and they told me that you’re lying.”
“Okay. Fine. Truth is that Jim doesn’t like being around the women.”
“So you lied.”
“No. I told an alternate reality.”
“Do you know what ‘alternate’ even means?”
“Something to do with salmon, right?”
“Well, it was rude of Jim not to come. Even if he didn’t like the women, a real husband would go to support his wife.”
“Oh listen to you and your new-century feminist ways.”
“If you told Jim you didn’t want to go to a party with his friends, what would he do?”
“Hahahaha, Peggy. Since when do wives get to make choices? You’re crazy! LOVE YOU!”
“How am I the normal one on this cast?”
Tamra: “So did you have a good breakfast?”
“It was great. Great. Breakfast was perfect. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!! NEW SUBJECT PLEASE!!!”
Tamra: “Are you two ladies okay? I know it might be a bit stuffy in these closed confines, what with my HOTNESS turning the temperature up.”
Peggy: “We’re fine.”
“Good. I wouldn’t want you to suffer from HEAT STROKE, or as I call it, ME STROKE.”
Tamra: “Cheers to a perfect afternoon.”
Vicki: “Yes. It’s perfect. Everything is perfect. Especially my marriage. It’s perfect. PERFECT. PERFECT!!!!“
Vicki: “Look! It’s a Mexican.”
“Well, isn’t that what you’re pointing at?”
“First off, he’s Puerto Rican, and secondly, no.”
“Oh. So what are you pointing at?”
“I’m just pointing because you’re pointing.”
“Why would you do that?”
“It’s because I’m–“
“Please don’t say free bitch.”
“–a FREE BITCH BABY!!!!!”
Peggy: “What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine. I’M FINE. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. THESE ARE TEARS OF PERFECTION. LA LA LA LA LA LET’S NEVER SPEAK OF THESE PERFECT TEARS EVER AGAIN.”
Alexis: “So are you going to stay for the photoshoot?”
“No, sorry. There’s a Tim Curry lookalike festival I promised to attend.”
“This is my porno-set-in-a-haunted-house look.”
“I always feel playful in this dress. But then again, I always like anything that’s shiny and accentuates my FUPA.”
Gretchen: “Thank you so much for having me on your show!”
“Anytime! You’re just an adorable princess.”
“I really wanted to make something that could let women feel like they had their very own special on the Playboy channel.”
“Sometimes when I put on a super hot dress like this, all I can do is just SWOON on some sturdy wrought iron.”
“Now with Alexis Couture, you can look extra slutty next time you teeter atop a staircase.”
“It’s important to have the right dress when writhing on a hotel lobby floor.”
“The best part of this dress is that it doubles as an midget muumuu.”
“Little known fact: if you jump off a cliff with this dress, as long as you stick your arms out, you’ll glide to safety.”
What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on Alexis Couture?