REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Alexis Introduces Us To High Fashion (As In, You Have To Be High To Call It Fashion)

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I was in the midst of a cyber-attack last week, and so I never got around to writing about Peggy’s epic dinner party disaster on The Real Housewives of Orange County, but that’s okay because this week, we got to enjoy the repercussions. As you may remember, Alexis spent a majority of the dinner party locked in the bathroom, pining for her husband Jim, who had opted not to attend because he hates the catty women (probably because a) they are empowered, b) outspoken, and c) on to his shifty business). Left on her own for the first time, Alexis was a total mess, which made her more pathetic than usual — and that’s saying something. This week she revealed that the reason behind her hysteria was that she hated having to lie about her husband’s whereabouts and then she started to miss him, and with all these emotions bouncing around that cute, little head of hers, it was just too much to handle. Hence, the tears.

Alexis told this much to Peggy, but the Heidi Montag lookalike wasn’t having any of it. She noted that it was still rude of Jim not to come, and even though Alexis bristled at this notion, Peggy was totally correct. After all, even if Jim didn’t like Alexis’s friends, he still should have supported his wife and honored the invitation. That, however, would suggest that Jim is anything but self-interested, self-absorbed, and selfish.

Good ol’ Jim. He’s a real class act. We got a nice, healthy dose of Jim later in the episode when he attempted to direct Alexis’s modeling session. This was a recipe for a disaster. In fact, it was already an epic catastrophe before Jim had even gotten there. You see, Alexis wanted photos of her in her dress line — amusingly named Alexis Couture. It’s kind of a great name, if only because I’ve always wondered what the opposite of haute couture was. Now I know: Alexis Couture.

Anyway, under the artistic direction of makeup artist turned fashion designer turned Octomom lip enthusiast Tal, Alexis posed all around the St. Regis hotel, managing to bring a certain call girl charm to the otherwise highfalutin establishment. The dresses were hideous. I mean, they were hid-eee-US. First off, they all seemed to cut off just below her longest vagina pube. Secondly, they all had Blanche Devereaux sleeves. And third of all, they all looked like rejects from the Spring 1994 Victoria’s Secret catalogue. Watching Alexis attempt to strike an “editorial” pose with her slutwear was beyond hilarious. I particularly liked one challenging setup that had Alexis thrust up against a banister with a look on her face like she was being chased by the ghosts from Pac-Man.

Then Jim showed up and pushed the whore quotient to a new level. Soon we had images of Alexis bent over a piano with her muff practically hanging out. This was followed by an inexplicably surreal pose that had Alexis facing a wall with her butt pushed out. For some reason, I don’t think Anna Wintour will be commissioning Jim to be heading up any of her photo shoots anytime soon.

Of course, if there’s anything that speaks of high fashion, it’s a smoke machine. You don’t need me to tell you where this went: lights, camera, SMOKE ALARM! Needless to say, this was a horrifying moment in fashion history.

Elsewhere on the show, Vicki, Peggy, and Tamra went on a wine tasting in Temecula. It was an affable storyline, especially since the women kept getting drunker. It was all fun and laughter — with a few subtly racist touches when it came to one Puerto Rican gentleman — but when Peggy began asking about Donn, things fell apart. Vicki donned her greatest Repressed Housewife guise yet and told the women that everything was perfect… PERFECT!!! (as she choked down some tears behind a swig of wine). It was fairly amazing.

Sadly though, things aren’t perfect for Vicki. Her marriage to Donn has been falling apart on camera, and as she said it, you need all the wheels on the car to drive, and they’ve got three flats with no more spares. PLUS let’s not forget about that empty love tank. Damn, someone really sold them a lemon.

Vicki also informed us that the real problem was that there was no communication between her and Donn, which might be a simply problem to remedy if Vicki were to ANSWER ONE OF DONN’S QUESTIONS FOR ONCE. Damn, that woman does not like her husband.

Anyway, there were other notable moments — the second return of Lynne (!!), Fernanda crushing on Tamra, Peggy’s slutty boudoir photoshoot (at least she owns up to the sluttiness) — but they weren’t as interesting as the main story lines. Here’s the photocap:

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“I can’t believe Fernanda would kiss and tell. I mean, I literally can’t believe she can do it. I thought for sure I welded her lips together after I kissed her with my HOTNESS, which I HAVE!”

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“Alexis, I thought it was really rude of Jim to not come to my dinner party.”

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“He had business.”

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“He knew a month ago.”

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“It was Jesus business. And you know how Jesus is: on a Friday he’s all ‘Oh hey, you mind taking on this project?’ Hahahaha… Jesus.”

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“I don’t believe you. I held a Coke can and a sprig of rosemary earlier, and they told me that you’re lying.”

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“Okay. Fine. Truth is that Jim doesn’t like being around the women.”

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“So you lied.”

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“No. I told an alternate reality.”

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“Do you know what ‘alternate’ even means?”

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“Something to do with salmon, right?”

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“Well, it was rude of Jim not to come. Even if he didn’t like the women, a real husband would go to support his wife.”

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“Oh listen to you and your new-century feminist ways.”

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“If you told Jim you didn’t want to go to a party with his friends, what would he do?”

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“Hahahaha, Peggy. Since when do wives get to make choices? You’re crazy! LOVE YOU!”

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“How am I the normal one on this cast?”

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Tamra: “So did you have a good breakfast?”
“It was great. Great. Breakfast was perfect. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!! NEW SUBJECT PLEASE!!!”

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Tamra: “Are you two ladies okay? I know it might be a bit stuffy in these closed confines, what with my HOTNESS turning the temperature up.”
Peggy: “We’re fine.”
“Good. I wouldn’t want you to suffer from HEAT STROKE, or as I call it, ME STROKE.”

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Tamra: “Cheers to a perfect afternoon.”
Vicki: “Yes. It’s perfect. Everything is perfect. Especially my marriage. It’s perfect. PERFECT. PERFECT!!!!

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Vicki: “Look! It’s a Mexican.”
Tamra: “So?”
“Well, isn’t that what you’re pointing at?”
“First off, he’s Puerto Rican, and secondly, no.”
“Oh. So what are you pointing at?”
“I’m just pointing because you’re pointing.”
“Why would you do that?”
“It’s because I’m–“
“Please don’t say free bitch.”
“–a FREE BITCH BABY!!!!!”

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Peggy: “What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine. I’M FINE. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. THESE ARE TEARS OF PERFECTION. LA LA LA LA LA LET’S NEVER SPEAK OF THESE PERFECT TEARS EVER AGAIN.”

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Alexis: “So are you going to stay for the photoshoot?”
“No, sorry. There’s a Tim Curry lookalike festival I promised to attend.”

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“This is my porno-set-in-a-haunted-house look.”

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“I always feel playful in this dress. But then again, I always like anything that’s shiny and accentuates my FUPA.”

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Gretchen: “Thank you so much for having me on your show!”
“Anytime! You’re just an adorable princess.”
“DIE.”

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“I really wanted to make something that could let women feel like they had their very own special on the Playboy channel.”

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“Sometimes when I put on a super hot dress like this, all I can do is just SWOON on some sturdy wrought iron.”

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“Now with Alexis Couture, you can look extra slutty next time you teeter atop a staircase.”

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“It’s important to have the right dress when writhing on a hotel lobby floor.”

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“The best part of this dress is that it doubles as an midget muumuu.”

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“Little known fact: if you jump off a cliff with this dress, as long as you stick your arms out, you’ll glide to safety.”

What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on Alexis Couture?

32 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Alexis Introduces Us To High Fashion (As In, You Have To Be High To Call It Fashion)”

    1. My god who would pay $300 for that shit! I guess all the price comes from the amount of fabric used to make the sleeves. And the names of those “dresses”… Paparazzi Love It? Cinderella’s Slippers? HAHAHA!!

    2. She is delusional!!! They really are Victoria’s Secret catalog rejects… Not only are they amazingly ugly, but the only person who stands a remote chance of wearing them is someone with a manufactured, Barbie figure like Alexis. I also love that she has NO idea what ‘couture’ is! That interview clip (last epi?) with her trying to define the word was priceless. What a dumb whore.

    3. Ooh, there’s Alexis Causals too. Those pictures are even worse. And the pictures at the top of the site don’t even look like her!

      I think Peggy missed the fur vest memo.

  1. I LITERALLY cannot deal with these morons any longer. Where to begin? Tamra’s self congratulatory look on her face when she makes lewd, unfunny wisecracks? Vicki’s abject meanness towards Don – hey crazy lady, if you’re dismissive and rude to your well-meaning spouse, then there are not enough car/love metaphors in the world to save your marriage. The spat between Alexis and haggard voiced Peggy (whose 1960s name is oddly appropriate) that found new depths of horridness with the Lamborghini one-upmanship. “I’m more in debt than you are!” “No! I live way more beyond my means than you! I win!” “Well, I bet I can default on my home loans before you can!” The guerilla-style photo shoot where a poor taste attack was sprung on the unsuspecting St. Regis…that was a blatant violation of the Geneva Convention. So inhumane.

  2. Watching Alexis parade around in the christian slut wear made me spit out my wine, I was laughing so hard. Peggy may look like skeletor, but at least she knows how to pose for some pictures. Then F’ing Jim shows up and starts to direct the photoshoot and demeans Alexis by slapping her on the ass. They make me want to vomit. When she was lying on the floor she looked like a corpse … a corpse of a hooker.

    …. and Tamera you’re not funny. Please stop.

  3. Is divorce catchy? It seems like Vicki suddenly finds her marriage intolerable. She wants to be a free bitch like her buddy Tamara. She blames Donn for not wanting children yet she gets her tubes tied. Come on Vicki you are throwing away a good man because of a midlife crisis you are a fool and will live to regret it.

    1. I thought it was very strange that Vicki is complaining about the lack of kids but then she says she had her tubes tied b/c she wasn’t sure if the marriage would last???? I really like Don and I hope he finds a nice woman to be with.

    2. Her name is Tamra. Why does no one know how to spell it even though her name is displayed 5x an episode?

      1. There are MANY spelling errors in other comments on this post, please correct them for everyone.

  4. You NAILED it with the Victoria’s Secret reference. I had to peek at the website. Of course the “couture” dresses come in xs, s, m and l. Only the most discerning buyers seek out the fit that’s “good enough.”

  5. Tamra’s Rules of Lesbianism: there was some tongue action kissing but absolutely no nipple tweaking and therefore no gayness.
    So, what if there was no tongue, no tweakage but some full frontal grinding.? Or is that just dancing like Gretchen & Alexis.!

    Am I the only one who wanted Slade’s Mom to call him Tubba Wabba???

    hb

  6. Somehow I am finding Alexis the most tolerable this year- probably because Jim has been mostly behind the scenes. I had always been team Gretchen but now the newest lawsuit of stealing the Gretchen Christine Beaute line from her makeup artist is one lawsuit too many. Vicki is bitter and Tamra is nastier without Simon (though she says the opposite). Peggy is just like Alexis with the overspending but at least Alexis is working on a fake business she’s trying to get out of debt with.

  7. Gretchen and her incessent laugh and hamming it up in the interview is really starting to annpy me!. Also, was I the only one who could see Kyle from BH Housewives wearing one of Alexis’s dresses!? She was always wearing those hideous styles on BH.

  8. I actually thought Alexis looked really pretty BEFORE her makeup was applied for the photo shoot and she was just wearing a ponytail and plain white shirt.

  9. I LOVE that Alexis accidentally gave her clothing line the same name as a plus sized porn star. The name fits!

  10. What is with the names of her dress line? Paparazzi Love it? Do they?
    Walk in the Park? Not in that dress.
    Cinderella’s Slippers? I thot it was a dress.
    Diamonds are a girls best friend-someone with a glue gun and some rhinestones is aiming pretty high, etc etc
    Dancing with The Stars is my personal fav trainwreck, it looks like that one ANTM competition where the girls had to tear a shirt up to make it more model-y

  11. Has Satan promised the folks at the St. Regis a chance to build a hotel chain in hell? Because that would explain why this place gets more air time than Tamra’s coochie. Want to have a disasterous cuff jewelry bitch fight party? St. Regis! How about a gold digger chinless asshole romantic dinner? St. Regis! Or an end of the season fuck you I want a divorce party? St. Regis!! Or just an old fashioned porn nightmare photo shoot of overpriced hooker wear? St. Regis!

    Vicki – take a good look in the mirror to see why things are over with you and Donn. Try not to break it

    Tamra – is there not a stereotype of a trailer trash over forty woman dressed in Forever 21 gear you don’t embrace? No? Good to know…

    Gretchen – could we have Slade’s mom on again? In the hopes she slaps him too?

    Peggy – In the battle of the idiots, you and Jesus Jugs are bony neck and neck. Congrats!

    Alexis – I wouldn’t order a dress from you even if Jesus was shipping it.

  12. It was actually Alexis’ couch they were sitting on, and I was thinking the exact same thing! What is with the ugly blankets lady! Don’t you want to put all the ugly shit away if you know they are filming at your house that day?

    I thought it was funny that Vicki said to Peggster, “how come you sound just lilke Alexis?!” I thought I was the only one that thought that!!

    Tamara just needs to go! I would rather watch boring ass Lynn and her brats then Tamara, I am the hottest house wife. I want to see her and Eddie mauling eachother either!

  13. I still love Vicki and Tamra…the most real. Gretchen, i hated a year ago, i now like. Myabe i just like old school.

  14. FUPA! lmao

    I think Alexis and her clothing are well matched. Cheap, porn-ish, unaware.

    I feel so bad for Peggy I don’t even want to mock her lame duck husband. To have to constantly battle with your “friend” in a who’s is bigger contest would be exhausting.

    Tamra gets trashier and trashier. I can’t see any appeal to her being on the show anymore unless they move it to a trailer park.

    1. I agree about not seeing the point of having Tamra on the show anymore. If she were rich and had a young boy-toy, okay…but she’s poor and she’s dating a fame-seeking gay dude. And she laughs at her own one-liners!! Hella annoying.

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