This may be a shocker, but The Real Housewives of Orange County is wrapping up next week. I can’t believe twelve episodes have already gone by — especially since this season felt anything but fast. Yes, the sixth cycle of the O.C. ladies has been one of the worst yet, and I’m not totally sure why. Well, I do have a few inklings. Problem #1: these women are more or less vapid. It’s fun to watch their tacky excess, but they don’t do anything with their lives, and one can only watch them loiter about in empty, oversized restaurants for so long. They aren’t inherently interesting anymore, and their conflicts now feel forced.
Problem #2: there’s no one to really like. Peggy has proven to be the best of the worst, but that’s really only because she does seem to have half a brain in her surgically enhanced head — and better yet, she’s become a rival to Alexis; so that’s always welcomed. As for Gretchen, she’s the former fan favorite, but she’s fallen far. She’s not awful, but she’s become the most boring of the group. Bravo doesn’t seem to realize that no one CARES about her and Slade. In fact, no one cares about Slade in general; so having to watch these two idiots sort out their personal business has about as much appeal as listening to Alexis opine on yoga pants and Luna bars (probably the only area where she’s vaguely an expert).
This week, the latest Gretchen and Slade drama was that in order for their relationship to move forward, Gretchen felt like Slade had to take care of his child support issues first. It made sense, but then the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was a mildly awful undercurrent to all this. Basically, Gretchen didn’t want to be supporting Slade’s kids, which is understandable, but… then again… if you’re thinking of marrying a guy, that sends a hell of a message to the wee ones. Aren’t you supposed to take the good with the bad? Isn’t the point of a loving, nurturing marriage that you welcome the children into your home as if they are your own? Maybe it’s me, but I’m getting an Evil Stepmother vibe from all this.
But then again, maybe Gretchen just doesn’t want to be drawn into the legal mess that Slade seems to be in, and that is totally understandable. And I’m sure Slade is thinking that there would be no legal mess if he were married to Gretchen (because then they could pay the bills). Whatever. It’s a mess. Slade may have ulterior motives, Gretchen might not have her priorities straight, and both of them should just break up.
Speaking of break ups, it looks like we’re inching closer to the Great Gunvalson Divorce of 2011 (which was actually filed in 2010). Vicki appeared more tragic than usual this week as she informed Tamra that she “wasn’t miserable.” This statement, of course, came on the tail of Vicki bawling at a table and talking about wanting to be touched. I felt bad for laughing at Vicki’s pain, but when she claimed she wasn’t miserable as tears came down her cheek, I couldn’t help but guffaw just a smidgen.
Meanwhile, Alexis seemed as happy as a clam this week. She had decided to debut Alexis Couture at a French restaurant, and naturally this meant she needed to design a menu for the occasion. Alexis once again scoffed at foie gras, noting that it made her nearly barf last year despite it being a “French delicatessen.” That’s right. She said “delicatessen” instead of “delicacy.” Jesus had to have been shaking his head.
Alexis also chirped that she didn’t know what the word “brioche” meant, which wasn’t a crime against humanity, but when she then added that she always saw it on menus but never bothered to learn its meaning, I had some major eye-rollage. You see, the brioche incident sort of exemplifies what makes Alexis so terrible. She’s not a woman who challenges herself nor questions her surroundings. She merely tacks herself onto a rich boor of a guy who tells her what to do and what to think, and when he fails, she merely falls back on religion to fill the gaps. It’s just a horrific state of mind she’s in where she’s more content to be vapid and clueless than to question anything in her life (methinks that’s because if she questions anything, she won’t like what she finds). And so Alexis lives in her rhinestone-studded bubble where she putters along everyday not knowing what “brioche” means until someone is kind enough to tell her. In many ways, she represents everything that’s wrong with America.
But damn is she funny to watch. As much as I find Alexis to be totally deplorable, she’s one of the few entertaining parts of the season. I guess some thanks can go to Tamra, who continues to be a shrew, but at least she’s a somewhat funny shrew. Her persistent digs at Alexis and Jim are always welcomed, and quite frankly, I’m not sure what we’d do this season if we didn’t have her crude one-liners peppering the action.
Nevertheless, Alexis’s fashion show seemed to go off without a hitch at first, and I was quite happy to see that almost all the women present were horrified by the designs (particularly Lynne, who managed to portray disgust despite her face being 98% frozen). But then came the drama. Tamra received a text that Vicki was in the hospital HEMORRHAGING. Naturally, you’d think all the women would be concerned, but no. Gretchen made several snotty remarks about how “ironic” it was that Vicki would be hemorrhaging during Alexis’s event (perhaps “coincidental,” but not “ironic”). Alexis meanwhile bemoaned the fact that Vicki always had to make everything about her. It was such a silly response to what sounded like a serious situation that I couldn’t help but wish that Vicki would hemorrhage more often, just to rattle Gretchen and Alexis.
I guess we’ll find out what the hell is going on with Vicki next week, and more importantly, we’ll finally get to see Tamra and Jeana duke it out. Yessss!
In the meantime, here’s the photocap:
“Just.. just shut up DONN.”
“You don’t have to be such a bitch.”
“You don’t have to be such an ass.”
“Okay, well, fine then.”
“I made you a sandwich.”
Gretchen: “Until you figure out your situation with your kids, I can’t marry you.”
“Don’t you see though? We’ll use YOUR money to support MY kids!”
“Sorry, Slade. I used up all my funds buying TJ Maxx house decor leftovers like the Toilet sign behind me.”
“It’s so fun being here in Vegas. This city is HOT. Or as I like to call it: ME! Get it? Because I’m the HOT Housewife. And being single has just made me HOTTER. Or should I say, ‘VEGAS-IER!’ Whichever way you want to say it is fine. Because we’re all FREE BITCHES, BABY!!!””
“You like it? I was gonna get you either this or a dildo with my face on it, but I thought that might be a little too classy.”
“I’m so excited for this meal. I love nothing more than some exquisite, French delicatessens!”
“I’m sorry, but what is brioche? Is that like brie from the ocean?”
“I always see the word ‘brioche’ on menus, and I’m like ‘What’s that?’ and then I just laugh.”
“Do you ever bother to look it up?”
“Hahaha, it’s not a woman’s place to be curious.”
“Whatever you do, don’t serve fror gwar!”
“Maybe I’m saying it wrong. Is it fuh-war guh-wah?”
“YES! That. It made me want to throw up. Then again, that’s what all food does. Can we just serve celery salt?”
“I hope these other drivers aren’t panicked. My car must look like a giant FIREBALL coming down the highway, on account of me being inside and so HOT, which I AM!”
“I want to be touched by the gear shift.”
Vicki: “I don’t think this is how we’re supposed to do this.”
“Whatever! I can do it any way I want to because I’m–“
“Please don’t say free bitch.”
“–a FREE BITCH, BABY!!!!”
“I’m not miserable. I’m fine. I’m fine! Don’t I look happy?? EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!!”
“I need to be touched. And not just by the life insurance policies I hold to my bosom late at night.”
“Sometimes, Vicki, I don’t even realize how HOT I am until someone bursts into flames next to me. And I don’t want that to happen to you.”
“I want to hug you now, but again — I may just be too HOT for that.”
“Sometimes I wonder, ‘Am I really a free bitch? Or just a woman crying on the inside?'”
Vicki: “Wow. That was really powerful.”
“Of course it was. Because I’m a–“
“Don’t say it.”
“FREE BITCH, BABY!!!”
“I’m so excited to show off all my hard work. And by ‘hard work,’ I mean checking in on all the stuff that everyone else has been doing for me.”
“Okay, girls. I want you to model the clothes exactly how I tell you to. First step: prepare to flash your vag.”
“Just so you all know, I will NOT be modeling in the show. I’ll be at a table eating French delicatessens.”
“Hey Alexis, I just want to say how proud I am of you for finally applying yourself in life, albeit in the most minimal and useless way. But hey, it’s a start. Kisses!”
“So… this fashion show is about me. If you’re going to have a medical emergency, please save it for afterwards.”
“Oh my gosh. It’s going to be 85 degrees today! Time to head to a FREE BEACH, BABY!”
“Hello, is it true that the leopard print factory burned down? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO WEAR????”
“I like not thinking about things!”
What did you think about the episode? Was Gretchen being a bitch about Vicki, or do we think Vicki was making up an excuse?