REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Blonde Ambitions

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This may be a shocker, but The Real Housewives of Orange County is wrapping up next week. I can’t believe twelve episodes have already gone by — especially since this season felt anything but fast. Yes, the sixth cycle of the O.C. ladies has been one of the worst yet, and I’m not totally sure why. Well, I do have a few inklings. Problem #1: these women are more or less vapid. It’s fun to watch their tacky excess, but they don’t do anything with their lives, and one can only watch them loiter about in empty, oversized restaurants for so long. They aren’t inherently interesting anymore, and their conflicts now feel forced.

Problem #2: there’s no one to really like. Peggy has proven to be the best of the worst, but that’s really only because she does seem to have half a brain in her surgically enhanced head — and better yet, she’s become a rival to Alexis; so that’s always welcomed. As for Gretchen, she’s the former fan favorite, but she’s fallen far. She’s not awful, but she’s become the most boring of the group. Bravo doesn’t seem to realize that no one CARES about her and Slade. In fact, no one cares about Slade in general; so having to watch these two idiots sort out their personal business has about as much appeal as listening to Alexis opine on yoga pants and Luna bars (probably the only area where she’s vaguely an expert).

This week, the latest Gretchen and Slade drama was that in order for their relationship to move forward, Gretchen felt like Slade had to take care of his child support issues first. It made sense, but then the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was a mildly awful undercurrent to all this. Basically, Gretchen didn’t want to be supporting Slade’s kids, which is understandable, but… then again… if you’re thinking of marrying a guy, that sends a hell of a message to the wee ones. Aren’t you supposed to take the good with the bad? Isn’t the point of a loving, nurturing marriage that you welcome the children into your home as if they are your own? Maybe it’s me, but I’m getting an Evil Stepmother vibe from all this.

But then again, maybe Gretchen just doesn’t want to be drawn into the legal mess that Slade seems to be in, and that is totally understandable. And I’m sure Slade is thinking that there would be no legal mess if he were married to Gretchen (because then they could pay the bills). Whatever. It’s a mess. Slade may have ulterior motives, Gretchen might not have her priorities straight, and both of them should just break up.

Speaking of break ups, it looks like we’re inching closer to the Great Gunvalson Divorce of 2011 (which was actually filed in 2010). Vicki appeared more tragic than usual this week as she informed Tamra that she “wasn’t miserable.” This statement, of course, came on the tail of Vicki bawling at a table and talking about wanting to be touched. I felt bad for laughing at Vicki’s pain, but when she claimed she wasn’t miserable as tears came down her cheek, I couldn’t help but guffaw just a smidgen.

Meanwhile, Alexis seemed as happy as a clam this week. She had decided to debut Alexis Couture at a French restaurant, and naturally this meant she needed to design a menu for the occasion. Alexis once again scoffed at foie gras, noting that it made her nearly barf last year despite it being a “French delicatessen.” That’s right. She said “delicatessen” instead of “delicacy.” Jesus had to have been shaking his head.

Alexis also chirped that she didn’t know what the word “brioche” meant, which wasn’t a crime against humanity, but when she then added that she always saw it on menus but never bothered to learn its meaning, I had some major eye-rollage. You see, the brioche incident sort of exemplifies what makes Alexis so terrible. She’s not a woman who challenges herself nor questions her surroundings. She merely tacks herself onto a rich boor of a guy who tells her what to do and what to think, and when he fails, she merely falls back on religion to fill the gaps. It’s just a horrific state of mind she’s in where she’s more content to be vapid and clueless than to question anything in her life (methinks that’s because if she questions anything, she won’t like what she finds). And so Alexis lives in her rhinestone-studded bubble where she putters along everyday not knowing what “brioche” means until someone is kind enough to tell her. In many ways, she represents everything that’s wrong with America.

Too harsh?

But damn is she funny to watch. As much as I find Alexis to be totally deplorable, she’s one of the few entertaining parts of the season. I guess some thanks can go to Tamra, who continues to be a shrew, but at least she’s a somewhat funny shrew. Her persistent digs at Alexis and Jim are always welcomed, and quite frankly, I’m not sure what we’d do this season if we didn’t have her crude one-liners peppering the action.

Nevertheless, Alexis’s fashion show seemed to go off without a hitch at first, and I was quite happy to see that almost all the women present were horrified by the designs (particularly Lynne, who managed to portray disgust despite her face being 98% frozen). But then came the drama. Tamra received a text that Vicki was in the hospital HEMORRHAGING. Naturally, you’d think all the women would be concerned, but no. Gretchen made several snotty remarks about how “ironic” it was that Vicki would be hemorrhaging during Alexis’s event (perhaps “coincidental,” but not “ironic”). Alexis meanwhile bemoaned the fact that Vicki always had to make everything about her. It was such a silly response to what sounded like a serious situation that I couldn’t help but wish that Vicki would hemorrhage more often, just to rattle Gretchen and Alexis.

I guess we’ll find out what the hell is going on with Vicki next week, and more importantly, we’ll finally get to see Tamra and Jeana duke it out. Yessss!

In the meantime, here’s the photocap:

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“Hey Vick.”
“Just.. just shut up DONN.”
“You don’t have to be such a bitch.”
“You don’t have to be such an ass.”
“Okay, well, fine then.”
“Fine.”
[silence]
“I made you a sandwich.”
“Thanks.”

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Gretchen: “Until you figure out your situation with your kids, I can’t marry you.”
“Don’t you see though? We’ll use YOUR money to support MY kids!”
“Sorry, Slade. I used up all my funds buying TJ Maxx house decor leftovers like the Toilet sign behind me.”

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“It’s so fun being here in Vegas. This city is HOT. Or as I like to call it: ME! Get it? Because I’m the HOT Housewife. And being single has just made me HOTTER. Or should I say, ‘VEGAS-IER!’ Whichever way you want to say it is fine. Because we’re all FREE BITCHES, BABY!!!””

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“You like it? I was gonna get you either this or a dildo with my face on it, but I thought that might be a little too classy.”

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“I’m so excited for this meal. I love nothing more than some exquisite, French delicatessens!”

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“I’m sorry, but what is brioche? Is that like brie from the ocean?”

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“I always see the word ‘brioche’ on menus, and I’m like ‘What’s that?’ and then I just laugh.”
“Do you ever bother to look it up?”
“Hahaha, it’s not a woman’s place to be curious.”

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“Whatever you do, don’t serve fror gwar!”
“Excuse me?”
“Maybe I’m saying it wrong. Is it fuh-war guh-wah?”
“Foie gras?”
“YES! That. It made me want to throw up. Then again, that’s what all food does. Can we just serve celery salt?”

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“I hope these other drivers aren’t panicked. My car must look like a giant FIREBALL coming down the highway, on account of me being inside and so HOT, which I AM!”

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“I want to be touched by the gear shift.”

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Vicki: “I don’t think this is how we’re supposed to do this.”
“Whatever! I can do it any way I want to because I’m–“
“Please don’t say free bitch.”
“–a FREE BITCH, BABY!!!!”

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“I’m not miserable. I’m fine. I’m fine! Don’t I look happy?? EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!!”

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“I need to be touched. And not just by the life insurance policies I hold to my bosom late at night.”

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“Sometimes, Vicki, I don’t even realize how HOT I am until someone bursts into flames next to me. And I don’t want that to happen to you.”
“It won’t.”
“I want to hug you now, but again — I may just be too HOT for that.”

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“Sometimes I wonder, ‘Am I really a free bitch? Or just a woman crying on the inside?'”
Vicki: “Wow. That was really powerful.”
“Of course it was. Because I’m a–“
“Don’t say it.”
“FREE BITCH, BABY!!!”

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“I’m so excited to show off all my hard work. And by ‘hard work,’ I mean checking in on all the stuff that everyone else has been doing for me.”

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“Okay, girls. I want you to model the clothes exactly how I tell you to. First step: prepare to flash your vag.”

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“Just so you all know, I will NOT be modeling in the show. I’ll be at a table eating French delicatessens.”

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“Hey Alexis, I just want to say how proud I am of you for finally applying yourself in life, albeit in the most minimal and useless way. But hey, it’s a start. Kisses!”

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“So… this fashion show is about me. If you’re going to have a medical emergency, please save it for afterwards.”

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“Oh my gosh. It’s going to be 85 degrees today! Time to head to a FREE BEACH, BABY!”

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“Hello, is it true that the leopard print factory burned down? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO WEAR????”

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“I like not thinking about things!”

What did you think about the episode? Was Gretchen being a bitch about Vicki, or do we think Vicki was making up an excuse?

18 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Blonde Ambitions”

  1. Gretchen is coming across as very bitter this year. Its her own fault that she picked a man older than her father who had a boatload of money instead of youth. Now, she’s with a guy that has massive financial problems who doesn’t have any sperm. Slade has been neutered. She’s wasting her time. Her eggs are on their way to being hard boiled.

  2. Bside, you are so right on with your analysis of Jesus Barbie. Psychology could have been your calling.

  3. I have to go to the gyno this week and I’m thinking an Alexis dress would be the perfect attire for my exam (not a walk in the park). My doc is a busy guy and it would save so much time with the dressing/undressing. Breast exam? Just pull down the Flashdance collar. And we can all see that the skirt length is great for vag access…

  4. Gretchen is pretty twisted and sick if she thinks someone would will themelves to bleed and go to the hospital all to avoid attending Alexis’s fashion show! Especially considering the stunt Alexis and Gretchen pulled at Peggy’s party all because Jim couldn’t make it. Pot calling the kettle black!
    OC is on it’s way out. They should have a new one in Malibu and model it after the Beverly Hills season.

  5. Gretchen must think that Vicki has super powers, that she can make her anus bleed on command (gross, I know).

    Alexis’ clothes are way. too. short. waaaaay too short, I don’t care how toned your legs are.

    I feel badly for Vick and Donn. I don’t understand how they let things get this far, 2 years without intimacy, it is just so sad. I really like Donn.

  6. I’m not gonna be hard on Gretchen. She thought Vicki was lying. She didn’t actually think Vicki punctured her own ass for the sake of ruining a party. As for what SHE pulled at Peggy’s (she/man’s) party? It was Alexis acting the fool. Gretchen was just being a friend not like good old Peggy who was basically kicking her out of her house.

    Had Vicky and Tamra talked shit to me about my man and his personal business at a party, you better believe I’d return the favor whenever it would sting the most. Bleeding ass or not.

    I can also relate to Gretchen about Slade. When I was in my mid-twenties I met a divorced guy with two kids. I didn’t know about child support laws and wanted to know about MY rights before our relationship went any further so I consulted an attorney. Its not that we’re being evil step-moms, we’re being smart.

    All that said, Slade and Gretchen’s story line is a snoozer but so is Eddie’s and Tamra’s. I want more of Peggy and Micah. He is such an asshole…I want to get to know him better. Maybe next season!

    1. Anyone who thought Jim Bellino’s “businesses” seemed shady needs to check out Micah the “entrepreneur” ‘s website: http://www.monarchyholdings.com

      His companies include an instant shutter business (spelled “shudders” in one section of the page), a Craigslist ripoff and a “virtual salesman” company where you can hire Peggy to be a spokeswoman for your very own website! In fact Peggy’s beautiful mug can be found on all seven of Micah’s company websites pitching these surely fruitful businesses. Seriously…he makes Jim Bellino seem like Warren Buffett.

      1. WTH? That is super crazy — Peggy should never play a guitar ever again. These people work really hard to avoid having a ‘real job.’

      2. Dear lawd!! And no one complains about this old, manish, stringy-haired woman being their potential salesperson? Seriously, what is going on with this long-faced woman’s hair? If she can’t fix it properly, GET BANGS!!

        Also, could this be the “modeling” career she speaks of?

        1. roslvr – couldn’t agree more about the hair, but that comment applies to all of them. those women have some of the worst weaves i have ever seen. tamra’s looks like it has never been refreshed, and that peroxide mess makes her face look old and mean.

  7. Lynn’s Xanax fueled laissez-faire attitude was comic relief in the middle of all the trumped up drama. “Don’t worry – Be happy”

    I felt sorry for the couple who was with Peggy/Mica Tamra/Eddie in Vegas. All we got to see of them was the dude’s hand with a Sake cup in it. “Yea, that was my arm. It’s famous now.”

    Sympathies for anyone who bleeds out of their ass. But sending texts pics while it’s going on.?! (in my best Vicki voice) “Who does that?”

    I am jonesing for the Tamra/Jenna smackdown. “Let’s get ready to rumbbble.”

    hb

    1. Ooh, ooh…I love texting pictures of myself in the ER after I have seizures!! I have the doctor take the pictures to capture the ambiance just so and I send them to my friends who are at baby showers, bachelorette parties, weddings, etc. If I can include a quick note that I soiled myself even better!!!

  8. My “oh that’s rich” moment(s) were the following…Micah pontificating on living within one’s means and to avoid the follies of trying to keep up with the Jones OC style. Okay, tacky car driving, diamond surgery gifting, foreclosed upon man. Whatever you say. You are the Suze Orman of the OC, Micah, only with smaller shoulder pads and worse hair. Thanks for the moolah advice. And then when Alexis was like “I have good taste” while sitting there in a dumb hat I was like “okay, now you’re just effing with us. You’re brilliant, Alexis. That’s irony at its best.” But I was wrong, she wasn’t being ironic…she was just being Alexis.Then I patted myself on the back for using “ironic” correctly, unlike Gretchen. Oh, Gretchen. Did I mention that I care about you about as much as you care about participating in the life of the son of the man you supposedly love? What a whining dummy. Marry Slade, don’t marry Slade, or do marry and divorce Slade and file for custody of his kid whom you don’t want to pay for and sue Slade for child support. Do whatever you want, Gretchen. I will still not care.

  9. Gretchen is an idiot and needs to get OVER herself STAT. Granted, Vicki was milking the hospital stay for all it was worth, but no one puts herself in the ER to get out of a stupid fashion show – no matter how tacky. (Still cannot believe those ugly, inappropriate clothes.) She and Slade deserve each other.

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