Your Guide To Alexis Couture

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Fans of The Real Housewives of Orange County have come to expect tacky fashions and styles from all the women on screen. However, Alexis Bellino is about to change all that. Her new dress line is about to rock the fashion world, and I’m here to guide you through the genius that is Alexis Couture.

Someone call Rachel Zoe: there’s a bold new voice in fashion.

A full examination of Alexis’s line — as seen at Alexis-Bellino.com and alexisbytalsheyn.com — after the jump…

Slip It On

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Proving that there’s nothing more eye catching than simple black and white, Alexis’s famous Slip It On dress reminds us that monochromatic paisley is really the best way to flash your vag. Some people might disapprove of Slip It On’s revealing hemline, but what the dress lacks in lower-pubic region presence, it makes up for in broad, billowy sleeves — the kind that’ll make you feel like the slutty pterodactyl you always knew you could be.

Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend

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Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but chances are this dress will be a total enemy to Alexis. It lacks any semblance of leopard or cheetah print, features an appropriate hemline, and generally approaches the realm of classiness. Therefore, this dress will be a total dud in Orange County. We’re still not entirely sure why this look is supposed to represent diamonds (given there’s nary a rhinestone or shiny rock to be seen, despite the description), but given that most of these dresses seemed to have been named by random phrases pulled from a hat, we’re gonna let it slide.

Paparazzi Love It

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Should you find yourself semi-squatting on an invisible toilet, this dress is for you! Even better, the paparazzi apparently love it! How do I know? Because it’s called Paparazzi Love It! Let’s be honest, you know those guys from TMZ are clamoring to get more photos of women draped in the remnants of MC Hammer’s parachute pants. Alexis clearly knows the female form, and Parazzi Love It daringly re-imagines breasts as two sharp cones, reminiscent of Peggy’s bra on season one of Mad Men. How very on-trend!

Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend

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It appears as though the webmaster accidentally duplicated the description for Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend here, which means we don’t have a name for this lovely look. Until we learn otherwise, I’ll simply call it Cinemax Softcore First Five Minutes — as in, we’ll see this worn in the first five minutes of a softcore porno on Cinemax at 2 AM, and then, after those five minutes, it will clearly be doffed for a perfunctory shower scene and/or gratuitous nude vegetable chopping sequence. The point is this: if you don’t hear cool jazz and a sexy sax playing when you see this periwinkle number, you clearly are not in touch with fashion.

Cindarella’s [sic] Slippers

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The most delicate dress of all: Cindarella’s Slippers. This is not to be confused with CindERella’s Slippers, which, as can be gleaned from its “proper” spelling, is probably some stuffy turtleneck sweater-dress fit for an old crone. No, CindARella’s Slippers is something for the princess in every woman (except Gretchen Rossi), and naturally, what better way to conjure up images of those famed slippers than by designing a dress in all BLACK? Yes, that’s the genius of Alexis Bellino. She always goes for the unexpected. An artist at work, people. An artist at work…

Dancing with the Stars

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Ever want to look like a creature rising from a swamp made of silk? Look no further than this tunic, which has the rather subtle name of Dancing with the Stars. Sure, the garment speaks neither of dancing nor stars, but as the description says, it IS quite effortless to wear — assuming you don’t mind your snatch dangling out when you sit on any form of chair or stool. Also, with long, sagging sleeves, the dress is the perfect answer to the age old question: “How can I possibly get myself stuck in the taxi door tonight?” Bravah.

Sex in the City

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When you want to get your whore on but also hypnotize someone too, grab the Sex in the City (not to be confused with the popular television programme, Sex AND The City). This dress features a stunning, dizzying pattern that will easily place all nearby bystanders into a trance within three seconds. Before they pass out, however, they’ll be sure to notice the rhinestone neckline, which offers “the perfect touch of edge.” The other perfect touch of edge: the missing bottom portion of the dress. Nothing turns heads like shiny rhinestones and exposed beaver. Sashay, Shanté!

Walk In The Park

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The best part of Walk In The Park is the fact that even the webmaster (who may or may not be a fifth grader) can’t figure it out. “This dress is made from knit fabric?” Uh, I guess? “It is created for everyday wear so it is just the thing when you are looking for an easy but fabulous outfit??” Sure! Personally though, my favorite part of the Walk In The Park is the final line of the description, which reads “It comes in a one of a kind pattern.” It sure does! But I don’t like to call it “a one of a kind” pattern as much as a “discontinued for being so amazingly horrific” pattern. Great find!

Black Maxi Dress

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If Alexis Couture is too fancy and classy for you, chill out with a maxi dress from the Alexis Casual line. It’s the perfect way to accentuate those double D’s all women surely have.

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And with its exposed back and monochromatic straps, this maxi dress is the perfect outfit for standing on a balcony.

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Yes, with Alexis Couture, soon you might be able to nab a hot, wealthy husband of your own. And failing that, a chunky guy with questionable funds who wears tight, age inappropriate see-through shirts and rocks a faux-hawk with the three hairs left on his head. Win!

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18 thoughts on “Your Guide To Alexis Couture

  1. I think on next week’s Housewife Hoedown, you and Ronnie or whoever your guest is should wear her creations. Thus, you can really give a full critique of the feel of the fabrics, the fit on the body, and how it makes you feel inside.

  2. Too, too funny:) Wonder if there’s any way to track if anyone is buying this crap?
    P.S.: oh BSide: you forgot to list the selling prices:):):)

  3. Sweet Jesus. Those dress names sound like they were all chosen at random from sort of Slutty Magnetic Poetry Kit.

    I’ve looked at this article three times now and I still can’t form any opinion on the dresses because all I can see is her massive jugs. It’s just like DDDDDDDD. And I’m a total Mo, so I can’t imagine how distracting it must be for people that actually, you know, like them.

  4. The little blue ruffled number… Didn’t Doris Day wear that peignoir in one of her movies?

    And I’m trying to imagine the reaction if I took a walk through my local park in that Pucci-on-crack!

    Yep, it’s Kuh-toor, all right.

  5. Love you bside! Alexis is an idiot and probably the least photogenic person I have ever laid eyes on.
    Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

  6. It reminds me of when you buy something cheap that’s made in a foreign country and the instructions are in “English”, or what THEY think should be good English…

    I, too, vote for the trial run on Housewife Hoedown. If I ever buy these, I really want to know how they feel and such and I trust you guys.

  7. They all look… flammable… and not in the Tamra-hot sense but in the cheap acrylic/keep from open flames unless you want your dress to literally melt sense…

  8. Someone forgot to proofread her descriptions. Sheesh!

    Slip it on: why are “Black & White Pattern?” And “casual flattering soft look to any woman?” Both followed by question marks? And why is it that “Jersey Rayon Fabric Black and White?” capitalized but “casual” is lower case?

    Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend – actually the bust of this dress appears to be trimmed in rhinestones, which are not now, nor ever have been and never will be diamonds.

    Cindarella’s Slippers – I think both the periwinkle and black dress fall under this description – it’s the same dress in two colors and the blue one with her hair up is definitely reminiscent of a Cinderella look. Oh and the webmaster must hate her – between the weird caps, typos, question marks and missing descriptions. Unbelievable.

    Paparazzi Love it – this dress is backless, so she is braless, so those two sharp cones are actually her boobs. Scary!

  9. LOL — she can’t spell Cinderella!! Hilarious. This is so awesome and I am so glad you did it as I have been fascinated by this “collection.” So intrigued that anyone could think these are pretty or flattering and so disappointed as I am sure some idiot will buy them. The actual end result of that horrific photo shoot looks worse than I ever could have imagined and I am sorry, but did she have MORE plastic surgery before the Black Maxi Dress shoot? Does not even look like her. Totally agree with Texashoney — she is completely unphotogenic.

  10. so much has been said about the sheer idiocy of this line, so i don’t have much to add other than the fact the names have absolutely no common theme to them. usually, different styles have a theme whether they are girls names, or even places in LA (e.g., styles by Paige Premium Denim with names like Laurel Canyon, Hidden Hills, etc.). these garments seem to be named in a bizarre stream of consciousness: “diamondscinderellapaparazziloveitjesus.” perhaps these are things alexis and/or jim babble in their sleep. maybe the dresses were named after a series of non-sequitors that came out of lynne’s mouth while wide awake at brunch. who knows. anyway, it’s all amateur night.

  11. I had a theory about Alexis’ style of these dresses…you know how there is an adage for women about showing off only one suggestive body part at a time? Like if you wear a mini-skirt you “shouldn’t” wear a revealing top? I think that is what she is going with in a few of these styles…yes the black and white print is short enough to get a pap smear in but hey at least her arms are covered!! And the black one with purple trim, her jugs are poppin’ but it’s a semi-appropriate length. In her mind that makes the designs “classy”!

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