Not a lot of drama (or ANY, for that matter) on the latest episode of Real Housewives of New York City, but that’s okay because the hour served as an amusing trifle of sorts. It all centered on parties: Sweet Sixteens for Avery and Victoria and a surprise bash for Jill. In the midst of it all, we saw Jill get a “liquid face lift,” which looked about as pleasant as reclining on a chaise-lounge made of glass shards and razors. We also got to enjoy some of the party-planning process. Avery, it saddens me to say, has finally and inevitably taken on many characteristics of her mother. She flails her arms in the same way, makes fussy demands in the same way, and generally speaks in the same way (with just a touch more patrician haughtiness, thanks to her tony Upper East Side environs). Avery wanted an understated, performer-free, winter-themed bash in a loft, which may have been the first time someone on a reality show has elected for the less-is-more approach for… anything. Kudos also go to Victoria, who also wanted to stay away from cheese and excess (although, I did spy a few circus performers traipsing around her party, which was held at a club). Both events looked refreshingly appropriate, and methinks Taylor Armstrong (she of the $60,000 tea party for a four-year-old) could learn a thing or too from these New York ladies. Of course, Victoria did manage to besmirch the event with a dress so short that a v-slip seemed destined to happen (and for those unfamiliar with the legal system, that qualifies as child pornography).
As for the Jill Zarin party, it looked like a gay old time, emphasis on gay and old. LuAnn arranged for the fête to take place at Chez Josephine, a bistro run by Josephine Baker’s son. Lovely idea, but damn, even I got claustrophobic watching it, and I was in the spacious confines of my living room. That restaurant was about as narrow as a canoe, and looking at the guests struggle to get by each other was almost painful to watch.
There were many enjoyable and random moments in the party, starting with a thankless magician whose attempt to wow the masses with an oversized currency gag went unnoticed by LuAnn and Ramona (luckily, Mario caught the trick and gave the magician assurances that it was very impressive). Later, after Jill had arrived and was surprised by the crowd, Cindy addressed everyone while wearing a French headdress — a sight that was only trumped by LuAnn, who descended from some dusty attic looking like the grandest drag queen Manhattan had ever seen. Let’s be honest: LuAnn IS the grandest drag queen Manhattan has ever seen.
Anyway, The Countess proceeded to serenade Jill with her patented gravel man voice, which sounded not unlike my old, oft malfunctioning vacuum cleaner. Money can’t buy you class, but it sure as hell can go towards a vocal coach. I think it’s time for LuAnn to look into it.
Other notable moments from the party: Kelly, who apologized gratuitously for having missed the surprise (not sure it was a pressing issue), and Ramona, who donned a red wig and pretended to be Jill. The latter situation was fairly amusing as Ramona screamed things like “Where is my JEWELRY???” It was a far cry from Bethenny’s pitch-perfect Jill Zarin impersonations of yore, but appreciated nonetheless. Jill, of course, tsk tsk’d at the freak show, and I’d probably agree with her normally but for that just seconds earlier, Jill was walking up to guests, showing off diamond earrings, and boasting, “Look at the diamond earrings Bobby just gave me!” I can only imagine what sort of Sweet Sixteen Jill had…
On to the photocap…
“Avery, you can invite one person to your Sweet 16 for every second you’re able to stare at my face. Go!”
“Ugh, Mom! Three friends isn’t fair!”
Victoria: “I want to make sure the party is a good venue for me to show off my WHORE DRESS.”
“Darling, we don’t say those words. We call them ALEX dresses.”
Ramona: “This just in: we have a report that troops are entering Pakistan as we speak.”
Avery: “Mom, stop pretending like you’re on the news.”
“I’m ready for my liquid face lift. Doctah, why’s it so expensive? Do you have mounting debts? How much do you earn? How much did your house cost? What about that watch? Where’d you get it? What sort of car do you have?”
LuAnn: “This is NOT the Plaza Hotel. This is CHEZ JOSEPHINE, and you’d do well to remove your parlor tricks and sorcery!”
Cindy: “No, I’ll open my mouth the widest!”
“So wrong that I still want to see Promises, Promises?”
“Marie Antoinette used to wear headdresses like this? I mean… seriously?”
“No, Alias is about ME. It’s about ME!!!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, please take a moment to admire the volcanic ash cloud billowing from my head.”
“My love, the only way I’m letting you wear that dress is if you accessorize it with a giant piece of clunky jewelry. I’m thinking an Iroquois sundial on a gold chain?”
“Oh my gawsh, it’s snowing! I said to Mario, ‘Mario, they’re never going to be able to make snow,’ but you know what? They made snow, and a lot of it. And Jill Zarin is still an asshole!”
“Ohmygosh, teenage Andy Samberg is RIGHT behind me!”
I don’t know what the shadows are doing to Kelly’s face, but it’s freaking me out.
Kelly: “Get me out of this light. It ages me FORTY YEARS.”
“Do any of you fellas have a tissue? I’ve been needing to blow my nose for four years now.”
What did you think about the episode?