REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC PHOTOCAP: This Is Not The Plaza Hotel. This Is MOROCCO.

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The third and final installment of The Real Housewives of New York City Moroccan “adventure” was everything I could have dreamed of and more. The entire episode was like one amazing, petty disaster — in the best kind of way. It was perhaps the funniest hour and fifteen minutes of all 2011. I actually was left wondering what it would have been like to have watched it all go down in a movie theater with a full crowd of people. I never saw Sex and the City 2, but I imagine RHoNYC would have been an infinitely more enjoyable movie-going experience.

Where to begin? I can already assure you that I’m going to leave out many amazing things because this episode was just chock full of hilarious moments from beginning to end. The show kicked off in the wake of Ramona and Jill’s epic fight last week, with Jill tearfully venting her frustration to LuAnn, who was only too happy to bash Ramona. The Countess claims to be neutral, but she has years of pent-up rage towards Ramona, and this was just the sort of justification she needed to go be passive-aggressively fussy towards the pinot maven. LuAnn immediately trotted up to Ramona’s room under the guise of being a caring hostess and then happily reprimanded her, all while pouring her a glass of pinot grigio. Classic LuAnn.

Luckily, the other blondes managed to get LuAnn out of the room, but little did we realize this would start a chain reaction that would affect the rest of the episode…

Once emotions calmed down in the riad, the gang headed out to dinner where LuAnn implored the ladies to stay in their seats, lest they be confused for tourists — a goal the roving pack of camera men and sound technicians surely did not assist with. Nevertheless, belly dancing ensued, and as far as we could tell, the drama was behind us.

Fast forward to the next day. Most of the women went on a historical tour (where Jill asked a thousand questions of the guide, not unlike my mom would), and afterwards, Alex went and checked in on Ramona, who had stayed back presumably to chill out but also to perhaps rid her colon of any leftover diarrhea she may have “blown up” her room with. Anyway, Ramona was rather distraught over her fight with Jill, and as she and Alex talked it through, Alex began to get worked up about LuAnn’s role in the whole thing. Alex did not appreciate the way LuAnn had attacked Ramona after the fight, and suddenly this mild anger ballooned into full-on rage.

Cut to LuAnn, who was downstairs getting a henna tattoo with Kelly and Cindy. The three were enjoying the pampering when suddenly CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP. In the background we heard the sound of someone storming down a staircase, causing an alarmed LuAnn to remark something along the lines of “Is that a buffalo?” Alas, it was not a buffalo (and thus LuAnn lost the opportunity to speak of her Native American heritage again). It was instead Alex, who burst into the henna session in full Message mode. She breathlessly announced that she needed to speak with LuAnn but was so awkward about it that the women became instantly concerned. Alex refused to air it out in front of the ladies, but it was too late. They wanted to know what was up — particularly LuAnn, who was semi-aghast about the whole situation. “Is she trying to interrupt HENNA?” she remarked.

Well, the women were going to get to the bottom of this. Kelly, in particular, had some serious notes about the presentation. She repeatedly told Alex that she was being inauthentic and needed to reenter because she was being weird. It was such a strange request and made even stranger by the repeated declaration: “Reenter. Reenter. Reenter. You’re being weird. It’s not authentic. Reenter.” You know, we haven’t seen crazy Kelly this season, but it was nice to see a glimpse of it here last night.

Nevertheless, the women finally coaxed it out of Alex: she was angry with the way LuAnn had been taking sides. She accused the Countess of being a snake to Ramona, causing LuAnn the furiously order Alex to “go back to the cabinet you came out of.” (Confession: all this time, I thought it was “cabin,” which was just as amusing to me). Kelly then stormed out of the session as the whole thing was making her uncomfortable, but sadly, all this drama somehow caused her henna tattoo to go horribly awry. We were left with just Alex standing there dumbfounded with only the sound of Kelly in the distance cursing and muttering about her henna-saster.

Of course, this was Alex 2.0 we were dealing with, and while she’s been quiet for a few weeks, she was ready to speak her mind once again, and no one was going to tell her to be quiet. They WERE going to tell her “shh shhhhh shhhhhhhhh.” Yes, that’s what happened when Alex trotted back to Kelly to continue venting. She was all sound and fury, but amazingly, the “shh shhhh shhhhhhhs” worked. Kelly managed to take Alex down to a normal level… and then that’s when Kelly started going bonkers. She ordered Alex to close her eyes. Then open them. Then close them. Or something like that. Alex, however, wanted to talk, not close her eyes, but luckily they brokered a compromise: she would close her eyes AND talk. It was so bizarre and totally hilarious. I was beside myself.

Then to make things even more amazing, in walked Jill Zarin with her hair curled like she was heading to a 1986 prom. She was so caught up in how ridiculous she looked that she didn’t even notice that WWIII had broken out. Soon she was filled in on the craziness, and while all THAT was happening, we caught Ramona and Sonja sneaking around in the background as they snuck a glimpse at their new Moroccan duds. Literally, this was comedy of the highest order.

Well, after this whole mess, the women sat down for dinner. Well, some of them did. LuAnn had apparently called for an 8 PM dinner, but according to her, Ramona had requested her meal up in her own room. THE HORROR. It was for the best because now the brunettes could talk shit about the blondes. But uh oh… here came Alex. Mind you this was more or less right on the heels of Hennagate 2011. The tension in the room was about as thick as can be. LuAnn attempted to take the high road, but somewhere along the way, a mudslide of rage knocked her off that path.

LuAnn berated Alex for being late to dinner, but Alex insisted she didn’t know what time dinner started. She then apologized for it, and LuAnn claimed that all was good. Except it wasn’t because what followed were umpteen barbs and passive-aggressive digs. The women got into it, with LuAnn sneering that if Alex wanted to start with her, she better be prepared to finish with her (I’m sure there’s bonus content about that topic in Class with the Countess). Just when this shit show couldn’t get any shittier, in waltzed Ramona and Sonja, asking what was for dinner. This all but caused LuAnn to keel over with frustration as she seethed her famous line, “This isn’t the Plaza Hotel. This is MOROCCO!”

Ramona then noted that she hadn’t requested dinner in the room, merely a snack — but LuAnn absolutely refused to believe that the staff at the riad could EVER be mistaken. Furthermore, Ramona had arranged the snack for everyone, but LuAnn dismissed that too. There was more yelling and bickering, and then suddenly Ramona came out of nowhere holding eight plates of crudites. That’s when I lost it. This episode was amazing.

After that, things simmered down. Ramona and LuAnn made a fake truce, Ramona and Jill made a sincere one, and then the whole gang went and cooked tagines together. There was more stuff, but my head will explode, and I don’t think I can type anymore. Here’s the photocap:

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“She didn’t hear me! Ramona would not apologize!”
LuAnn: “Of course she wouldn’t. She’s a whore. But I’m not taking sides.”

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Alex: “Can somebody get Ramona a tissue? She’s crying tears of pinot grigio and doesn’t want to waste it.”

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“I’m very emotional right now. I just got hit by a ton of bricks, and then LuAnn attacked me, and to top it all off, I still got diarrhea coming out of me like a fire hydrant.”

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“WE are not tourists. WE… are reality stars.”

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LuAnn: “Alex, crawl back to the tagine you came out of.”

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Alex: “You go and get yourself some action, Ramona! You deserve it, what with Mario’s rampant infidelity.”
“I’M NOT GETTING DIVORCED!!”

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“YOU are a thug in a bellydancer dress!”

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Ramona: “I’m raw. I’m sorry! I’m raw. And you know what bothers me the most? I’ve been sitting here all day, and no one has been able to find a vase for my flowers. Look at them. They’re dying!”
“I don’t think those are flowers.”
“Whatever they are, they’ve been sitting there all day, and it pisses me off!”

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“LuAnn, I just want to awkwardly say that I want to awkwardly say something to you.”

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“Alex, THIS is HENNA. Please take a seat or go back to the cabinet you came out of.”

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“HEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

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“What are you doing?”

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“I’m shrieking. It’s a reflection of my genuine emotions.”

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“You are ruining henna. HENNA.”

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“I am sorry that I am ruining henna, but–“

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“You know, this Riad is the only place in the entire world where one can receive henna.”

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“I don’t think that’s true.”

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“Oh I’m sorry. I guess you’re the expert. I suppose next you’re going to tell me that you don’t know when dinner is tonight.”

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“Actually, I don’t.”

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“Oh please, Alex. You DO know. You’re an educated woman.”

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“I DID NOT MAJOR IN DIVINING LUANN DELESSEPS’ DINNER SCHEDULE.”

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“Well, it’s an awfully helpful major.”

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“Oy. All this fighting. I mean… seriously?”

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Sonja: “That is the biggest, most beautiful toaster oven I have ever seen!”

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“Alex, shh shhhhh shhhhhhhhh… you’re being inauthentic.”
“Inauthentic to what?”
“You’re being inauthentic. Reenter and be authentic.”
“Reenter?”
“Reenter.”
“But I have to say something.”
“No. Reenter. Authentically.”
“Fine.”
“With your eyes closed.”
“No, I want my eyes open.”
“Close your eyes.”
“Fine. My eyes are closed.”
“Open them.”
“What?”
“Reenter.”
“Reenter with my eyes open?”
“Eyes closed, authentic, reenter.”
“I want to speak.”
“Reenter, eyes closed.”
“I will compromise: eyes closed, speaking, reentering.”
“Open your eyes.”
“Upon reentering or before I reenter.”
“Shhh shhh shhhhh.”
“My eyes are now open, and I am speaking.”
“Stop speaking.”
“Eyes open?”
“Closed.”
“But you just told me to open them.”
“Close them and then open them really quickly, but say nothing.”
“I will speak and close them and reopen them.”
“Authentically.”
“Yes.”
“But reenter first.”

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“I like this. It makes me look like a pea-colored creature from Monsters Inc.”

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“Would you believe what they did to my hair? They made me look like a poodle. What’d I miss?”
“Oh, just everything.”

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“Hey, with this hair, now I can hang with the New Jersey cast, am I right, girls?”

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“Thank you for apologizing, Alex. Now it is over. PLEASE HAVE SOME GODDAMN GREEN BEANS.”

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Ramona: “I’m sorry we were late, LuAnn, but we had ordered a snack.”
“THIS IS NOT THE PLAZA HOTEL. THIS IS MOROCCO.”
“Well, that’s a bit insulting to this RIad, don’t you think?”
“What’s insulting is that you’re ninety minutes late to dinner.”
“I didn’t know what time dinner was.”
“THIS IS NOT THE NO-CLOCK HOTEL. THIS IS MOROCCO.”
“Okay. I realize that.”
“THIS IS NOT THE REALIZATION HOTEL. THIS IS MOROCCO.”

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“Darling, I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I just want you to know that I have your back and that you can always talk to me, despite you being an utterly AWFUL human being.”

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“Excuse me, Jill, but you’re interrupting my one-woman Victoria’s Secret show.”

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“Let’s never fight again, Ramona.”
“I don’t want to fight.”
“Well, you’re the one who always starts it.”
“That’s because you talk behind my back.”
“Because you’re crazy.”
“You make me crazy!”
“YOU TURNED ME AWAY FROM SCARY ISLAND!!”
“NO ONE WANTED TO SEE YOU!!!”
“UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE, WE CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS!”
“Okay, this was a nice hug.”
“I agree. Glad we got that out.”

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“A tagine? I mean… seriously?”

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“By the way, you didn’t happen to have seen my hangers, did you?”

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Sonja: “Okay, ladies. I guess I’ll bust out the Ouija board now.”

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LuAnn: “Everyone say what their favorite part of Morocco has been. We’ll start with Cindy.”
Sonja: “I just adored the architecture!”
Cindy: “Well, I–“
Jill: “The Souk was marvelous.”
Cindy: “And I–“
Alex: “The night in the tent was wonderful.”
Cindy: “I also thought–“
Ramona: “The Riad was beautiful.”
Cindy: “I’d like to add that–“
Kelly: “I met a beautiful woman. That was my favorite.”
Cindy: “I should note that–“
LuAnn: “Great! Next topic!”
Cindy: “But…”
LuAnn: “Ya habibi!”

What did you think about the episode?

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34 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC PHOTOCAP: This Is Not The Plaza Hotel. This Is MOROCCO.

  1. What a train wreck! It was wonderful. Great recap Bside as always…
    I think the Countess wins as the biggest asshole of last night’s episode.

    I CANT WAIT for the reunion.

  2. i like when the countess attempted to correct her own grammar by saying “of which” – she’s just awful, huh? and, as something of a grammarian myself, i think she meant “from where.” but that’s besides the point. this is mor-uh-koh…what was with that weird pronunciation? also, i believe she is mispronouncing “habibi” – i don’t think you’re to over-emphasize the “ha” part…just saying as someone who once dated a guy from dubai who would call me “habibi” or “darling.” he was much less patronizing than the countess.
    kelly kelly kelly…you know, in essence, she was making sense in saying that alex was being weird in her attempts to bring her point to luann’s attention. yes, that was weird…but it wasn’t “inauthentic” or “creepy” or “icky” or whatever other inarticulate spewing out of words kelly chose. she was off the rails going nuts about her ruined henna and about everything being so “effing” stupid and wondering if santa would fix it. i actually think she has deep emotional issues and anger problems. she tends to have major mental blocks when she gets upset, and i can see how a woman like her would get (physically) aggressive…when she gets upset, she goes from 0-60 in a small amount of time. it’s too bad, because, as i said, i was sort of thinking she was making sense but she tore off to crazytown before i knew it.

    • Kelly’s word for last year was “creepy”.

      So I guess in 2011 it’s “weird”.

  3. I am laughing so hard I am having trouble breathing and crying tears of Pinot Grigio.

    I am trying to refocus on my breathing…deep breath…eyes closed, breathe in authentic, breathe out…open eyes…work on re-entry…

    (spit soda onto screen – LOL again(

    Kelly, Kelly, Kelly…you are one serious space cadet.

    Thanks B-side for taking me back to Morraco – again.

  4. This whole episode had my head spinning. One thing I found curious was Kelly telling Alex “cover your shoulders. This is Morocco” during the Great Henna Debacle of 2011. Weren’t they at the place they were staying when this happened? Does one really need to keep shoulders covered even in a private residence? Does Kelly realize the EXTREME hypocrisy of this comment when she then went for a run in a sports bra and short shorts?

    • I think she meant cover your shoulders because it was cold. I think Alex made a reference to the fact that it was indeed chilly, but maybe my mind couldn’t comprehend all that was happening and just starting making things up.
      Although I do remember being confused as to why she added in the part about being in Morocco. It’s not like they were in the Arctic or something. So maybe I’m wrong about her reasoning for why Alex should cover up.

      • She told Alex to cover her shoulders & then went off running the next morning in short shorts & a spagghetti strapped top.

        • That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking. the night before, she condescendingly tells Alex, “Cover your shoulder’s this is Morrocco” like she’s going to offend someone in their own house . .. and the next day she goes jogging in public in small, tight boyshorts and a sports bra. Yeah, that’s not offensive. Or hypocritical, or “inauthentic.”

          nahhhhhh

  5. Jill was really working the Michelle Duggar hairdo.

    LuAnn has reached new lows in her passive/aggressive shit stirring. Her continued denial that she is innocent of all wrongdoing means we can NEVER be friends.!

    And just for the record Santa is lousy at fixing henna tats. Palsy.

    hb

    • If only the housewives were more coherent, someone could have pointed out to Luann that when she told Alex that she’s butting into her business and to butt out, isn’t she doing the same thing to jill and ramona? their arguments are their own business, but that doesn’t stop our luann from putting herself right int he middle of it.

      Seriously, I just want to punch all these women in the face.

  6. I laughed out loud at the crudite plates and Jill’s hair.
    I think Kelly in her own way, was trying to flip the switch on being called crazy to her face last season. But she couldn’t quite pull it off….but gave us known nonense to justify her presence for another season.

    • Oh yeah, kelly was just a stone’s throw away from crazy. I was kinda hoping she’d find it.

  7. Obviously, Lu Ann is the Queen of Pretentious B.S., and no one, NO ONE, can one up
    her in the “class” department. Alex is a novice in the veiled barbs department, she’s
    like a lamb going to slaughter. Ramona worked hard for her money, and she plays
    just as hard as she works. She and Sonja provide alot of comic relief to an otherwise
    uptight bunch of New Yawkers. Social climbing must be exhausting, therefore all the
    self indulgent spa treatments, etc. etc. Kelly continues to be a puzzle, I feel kind of
    sorry for her at times.

  8. I agree with Kay Taylor that Ramona works hard so she plays hard. Before her Renewal line and her wine, Mario and her sold jewelry and had another business. My point being that Ramona’s always been a business woman.

    Jill married into money. Bawbee had Zarin fabrics when they married and she seems like those overbearing wives who take over their husband’s business and do nothing but push their weight around and torture the employees to seem as if they’re some important.

    Luanna does nothing but collect (small) check from the count and Kelly does the same from her ex. Although I like Sonja, she doesn’t seem to work either.

    Alex seems to work for her money and Cindy is the only other business woman on the show.

    What I suspect is that some of the women are jealous of Ramona. Despite the fact that they see her as “weird” or “rude” and her husband as “creepy”, Ramona looks to be a happy person in a loving marriage. I can imagine she’s having hotter sex than any of the housewives even when Luann was still married. I’d be mad too if my friend got to screw a Mario while I’m stuck with a Bobby or Count.

  9. I’m still laughing from last week’s, “where’s Bah-bee, I’m gunna hyave a haht attack”. Best said in a New York Jewish Mother accent. Priceless!

  10. ““I DID NOT MAJOR IN DIVINING LUANN DELESSEPS’ DINNER SCHEDULE.”” <– I'm literally going to get noise complaints for how much I laughed out loud to this. I hope you're happy with yourself.

  11. The cuntass needs to be slapped across her face, then kicked in her box while she is down! I really do believe Alex when she said that she did not know that dinner was at 8. You know that The Cuntass told the other ladies that dinner was at 8, but still had the staff set out all 7 dinner salads.

    Cindy kind of took responsibility for what happened with Alex. Alex had left the room, to wait until they were done, but Cindy was the one that called her back. I wonder how many parts the reunion show is going to have to it this year!

    Kelly, is still CRAZY! “who is going to fix my henna? SANTA? It’s your fault your tatoo was ruined you twat! Your crazy ass is the one that got up before she was done!

  12. I’m still dying over Kelly’s distress over her tattoo being ruined. “Who is going to fix this?! SANTA???” hahaahahahah

  13. Barren desert, abject poverty, snakes, explosive diarrhea, not enough hangers … is this Morocco or Quogue?

  14. Even in Kelly’s non-sensical ranting I think I understood her point. By Alex being “inauthentic” she was saying that Alex was acting and upping the drama for some camera time. Alex has also been clear that she had hoped to make a career in acting prior to RHoNY. By asking her to re-enter she was saying to come back in the room and then engage in conversation that way, a little calmer and more believable.

    But then again, they wouldn’t ever re-shoot a scene since this is reality tv and all.

    • Thats what I thought, maybe Kelly was saying that Alex looked like she was “acting” and no one would actually have bizarre behavior like that and that she was pandering for the cameras too much or something. I know I read that The Hills was very “coached” in the sense that the producers would say “everyone needs to talk about topic A at the next scene.” Or if the cameras missed a conversation they would need to revisit the topic. Maybe the producers of RHWNYC told the cast, or Kelly, they were seeming scripted or were being too aware of the cameras and to be more natural.

    • as much as I detest Kelly (actually, all of them, if I’m honest . . . ) I agree with your take on what Kelly was “attempting” to do/say.

      But in typical incoherent NYHW fasion, no one, and I mean NO ONE can get a logical point out of their stupid little heads, so nothing makes sense. And it’s left to the TV viewers to try and make sense of the stupidity.

      I think I’m going to start billing Bravo for the extra time it takes to figure out what everyone is actually to say.

  15. I have been incorporating “This is not the Plaza Hotel. This is (insert random place here)” into my daily vocabulary. That line has totally replaced “Oh no, no, no, darling it’s a brick wall” (uttered in horror while apartment hunting last season) as my favorite Countess proclamation of all time.

    I’m so glad you got a screen shot of the henna tattoo artists, who were just like WTF?!! during that entire scene.

    Alex in any confrontation: “I have something I am going to say, and I’m going to tell it right now, I am just going to say it, I am going to let you know, I will tell you what I have to say” etc etc. I have yet to hear her make an actual point, but maybe she’s making one while being dragged away from whatever conflict she’s part of still yammering away.

    I think the “cabinet you came out of thing” came from the fact that Alex looked like Dracula, according to LuAnn.

  16. I have to say that I laughed out loud numerous times both this week and last week–I mean, I was genuinely amused that real people behave this way. The Kelly “weird-inauthentic-reenter-you’re not mad you’re sad” routine was simply out of this world ridiculous. I think I would choke her if she pulled that crap on me. Suddenly she’s a therapist or something. Poor Cindy appears to be disappearing further into herself with each passing episode. She simply cannot tolerate the madness.

  17. Have Jill and Ramona really patched things up? I thought Jill was really over the
    top in their “feelings” session. She can go from zero to bitch in record time. Or was
    that an acting job? Kelly was correct in her analysis of Alexis’ entrance to the Henna . party. It’s curious the producers chose to include this, are they poking fun at the women or the viewing audience?

    • I think they didn’t care because everyone already thinks Kelly is nuts and repeats non-sensical phrases anyway. Perhaps the crew or cast member may say that on occasion but it works in this case to make it seem like Kelly is crazy and should not be allowed to travel out of the country.

  18. the Cuntess was being a huge BiYATCH and I bet she didn’t tell any of them what time dinner was.

    Kelly was clucking away with the crazy talk and ‘re-enter’ crack. It all hurt my head a little to watch.

    And Ramoner and JillZ made up in the end! Aw! I didn’t really care either was but nice was to wrap up the season!

  19. I’d just like to comment that my brother is getting married in the hamptons this weekend and my mom is losing it because the bride ordered the cake all the way from QUOGUE and my mother has to drive there to get it. She is very upset !

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