REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: I Thought This Was A Classy Party!

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“I thought this was a classy party,” Briana said during her mother Vicki’s party on last night’s season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County. In a season, nay, a franchise built on deluded comments, this may have been the most deluded comment of all. “Classy” is a virtue that disappeared from the OC long ago — somewhere between the umpteen sales for leopard print maxi-skirts and annual pilgrimages to Lake Havasu. The fact that Briana could ever think anything even resembling class could exist at her mom’s party was a major laughing point during an already hilarious episode.

As any avid Bravo viewer knows, last night was the much-hyped confrontation between Tamra and Jeana. It involved yelling, paper-throwin (memo to Tamra: fold your cease and desist into a paper airplane next time for better effect), and, of course, wine tossing. But there was oh so much more.

I’m not going to lie: I didn’t think this fight was the best fight EVAAAR, but it was pretty good. In many ways, I really enjoyed last season’s finale more with Tamra and Simon crumbling apart, if only because we witnessed an entire season or two of built up rage bubbling to the surface. And besides, these days — throwing a glass of wine is downright demure compared to what we see on New Jersey. That’s just where the fight begins in Franklin Lakes, not where it climaxes.

Nevertheless, the finale was great fun, thanks to nearly all the women acting inappropriately. We started off with Vicki, who revealed that a) she was no longer bleeding out of her ass (colon ulcers!), and b) as go the ulcers, so goes Donn. Bitch served him divorce papers. In the wake of all this, Vicki was a mess. She couldn’t stop crying, and if the waterworks did pause, it was only to allow someone to say “Aw, Vicki, don’t cry,” which would then, of course, lead to more crying. I did feel bad for her; although, I definitely sensed a bit of showiness to it all.

In an attempt to cheer Vicki up, Tamra brought her a martini and ordered her to think about insurance — an age-old tactic that I know always makes me feel warm and sunny. Tamra then recruited Peggy to help get the word out that any discussion of the two D’s — Donn and Divorce — was strictly verboten. You’d think it would go without saying that such subjects would be off-limits, but this is Orange County, after all. That whole “class” issue rears its ugly head again.

Well, Vicki did eventually make it downstairs after a pep-talk from her fellow castmates (and Fernanda, the almost, would-be, but never was sixth member of the brood this season). Things seemed to be back on track, but then Peggy had to go confront Alexis about the little digs she’d been making all season, particularly the most recent attack on her lips. Alexis played dumb as usual, but then again, playing dumb and actually being dumb are two fairly inseparable descriptors when it comes to Alexis. Already in this episode she had made herself look like a total asshole by deriding those women whose ambitions are to run for president and not be a mere wife. That, she said, was the problem with liberal America these days. Of course, this comes from a lady whose most pressing goal is arriving at a party with hot friends (none of whom were particularly hot).

Anyway, Alexis and Peggy soon got into it, with Alexis denying any wrongdoing whatsoever. Peggy tried to reason with her, but when you’re dealing with the fashion designer behind “A Walk In The Park” and “Cindarella’s [sic] Slippers,” it can be hard to expect any high level thought processes. Luckily, Peggy does have a brain in her head and managed to stymie all of Alexis’s weak points about who knows what, and in the end, it sounded like these two were going to be well on their way to becoming the best of frenemies.

This was all the fun lead up to the main event: Keough vs. Barney. Both women had arrived with their gays — Jeana had a prissy slouch of a guy named Ben, Tamra had Eddie (he seemed to address everyone as “Girlfriend!” last night) — and it was only a matter of time before things came to blows. Here’s what happened:

Peggy tried to run interference and give Jeana the heads-up that Tamra was super duper pissed. Jeana did concede that the reporter for the Orange County Register had twisted her words and that she felt bad about it, and thinking that this would mollify Tamra, Peggy called her over to hear Jeana’s vague remorse. Too bad Tamra wouldn’t even entertain the idea of an apology (not that it was coming her way). Instead, Tamra snapped and growled at Jeana — who suffered the awkwardness of being caught on camera giving an unrequited “Cheers!” with her glass.

Once again, Tamra ordered Jeana to stay out of her business, and once again, Jeana announced that she didn’t believe Tamra had been hit — nor did she believe that the offending leash in question had been thrown at her violently. “I toss things,” Jeana said, happily blabbing about something she really had no idea about.

This truly pissed off Tam-Tam; although, Jeana seemed right in saying that if Tamra had been hit, everyone would know probably about it by now (a nicely delivered toe-stubbing joke was made to illustrate this). I tended to agree with Jeana, but then again, when it comes to abuse, all bets are off. And besides, Simon really is awful — it’s not out of the realm of possibility that he could have acted out violently. But then again, there is always that “But wouldn’t you want to slap Tamra too?” argument.

Anyway, an angry Tamra eventually pulled out her cease and desist letter and flung it in Jeana’s face — an act that some might claim is on par with leash-tossing, I should note. Jeana flinched at first — like a cat getting spritzed with a water gun — and then she pawed at Tamra in the most lazy way. It was almost as if we could hear Jeana saying “You bitch, I’m gonna… eh, I’m tired now.”

Nevetheless, Jeana did take a few steps forward and threaten to throw Tamra in the pool. It was an empty threat but one that Tamra was more than happy to exploit for full drama. “Prove it!” Tamra said before her mother interceded and said, “Don’t touch my daughter!” Jeana then turned to her and said, “I’m not,” but that may have been lost because Tamra was simultaneously shrieking, “YOU BITCH!” This was followed by the much-anticipated red wine splashing, but oh, it didn’t end there.

Jeana, half blinded and confused, then flung her wine right back at Tamra, except Tamra had already fled the scene and the blonde Jeana thought was Tamra was actually an innocent bystander named (tragically) Mishel. Well, Mishel was understandably none too happy about the dousing, and so she tromped forward and shoved Jeana, nearly knocking her over (let’s be honest though — that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon).

At this point, two old school housewives, Quinn (inexplicably adorned in a garish blonde wig) and Tammy, tried to break up the fracas, but then came Jeana’s awful gay Ben — not to be confused with Gretchen’s awful gay or Alexis’s awful gay or Jeana’s OTHER awful gay (remember Frankie?). Anyway, Ben waltzed by Mishel and tossed his wine on her head as a show of loyalty to Jeana, and in response, Mishel chucked her wine at Ben, but she missed and kind of splashed Quinn — whose Godlike demeanor turned salty as she growled, “You just got my dress, GODDAMMIT.”

Around this point, Fernanda honed the ghost of Lynne and asked cluelessly, “Is everybody okaaaaay???” Shut up, Fernanda.

Anyway, Jeana and Ben briskly marched out of the party, but not before one last impasse with Tamra, who alerted Jeana that EVERYONE hated her. There were some words — “EVIL BITCH!” “Simon doesn’t act like this!” “YOU’RE GOING TO HELL” “YOU’RE THE MEANEST PERSON!” — but it was really Ben who trumped everyone by sneering, “That’s why you’re getting a divorce!” before throwing his wine glass down on the driveway as some attempted display of virile masculinity. He failed. Even Mariah Carey has a more impressive arm.

Nevertheless, Jeana escaped back to the confines of her home where she called Simon and bitched about Tamra before crying about the awfulness of it all. Tamra, meawhile, went and rallied support from all the other women, amusingly heightening the danger she claimed to have been in with each re-telling. At first it was merely that Jeana was going to toss her in the pool, and then it escalated to a lunge, and then practically a full-on assault. You know, I’m on her side when it comes to Simon, but this augmentation of the truth does not help her case. We saw it all on video, Tamra, and Jeana was NOT going to toss you into the pool.

The best part of all this, however, was Gretchen, who as usual was dressed like an egg yolk. The woman loves her yellow, and quite frankly, when she stood next to Tamra and her red dress, the two looked like they were a condiment bar come to life. Nevertheless, Gretchen was only too happy to remind Tamra that she had done to Gretchen what Jeana was now doing to her. Tamra seemed a bit stunned by that revelation, but we know Gretchen had just been waiting weeks for the perfect time to say it. And truthfully, it so hilariously took the wind out of Tamra’s sails that it almost made up for the wretchedly boring thirteen episodes of Gretchen this season. Almost.

And that pretty much ended that. The episode ended with the customary updates on all the women — Gretchen has been shopping for wedding dresses, Tamra is weeks away from finalizing the divorce, Peggy used to date Jim Bellino. Wait, WHAT??? How the heck could the producers slip that in at the very last second? That must have been some disturbing sex — at least visually.

Meanwhile, Briana received a little update at the end but no such love for Fernanda (unless i missed it). Fernanda has a bio on the Bravo site, but she was so boring that they didn’t even bother giving us an update about her. And yet Briana — she who had the most lame Vegas trip of all time — got an update. Ouch.

Here’s the photocap:

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“This party is about to heat up, or as I like to call it TAMRA up. That’s why I wore red: I’m like a big ball of HOT thermometer liquid.”

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“Hey Vick, I know you’re feeling emotional; so I’m bringing you booze! Because alcohol always makes people less emotional!”

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Vicki: “I can’t be throwing this party! I have to work!! WORKING IS MY PARTY!”

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“I may have just urinated on your bathtub.”

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Vicki: “There, there Tamra. I’ll console you about your divorce, even though it’s been over a year while mine is less than twelve hours old. But that’s okay, we’ll talk about YOURS all you want.”

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“So am I a housewife or no?”

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Micah: “And then after that, I realized that the washing machine just could never be fixed… I’m sorry, Eddie, but is something wrong?”
“Nah. I’m just soaking you in. Feast for the eyes, you know?”

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“My face has been frozen like this for six and a half years.”

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“I’m so happy to be here. Oh, and look — there’s Tamra. She looks happy. That’s good. Divorce can be so tough, but hey, at least she’s GOOD AT IT.”

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Jeana: “I hope everyone likes my dress. It’s actually just a really giant first place ribbon I sewed onto my body.”

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Alexis: “Peggy, I don’t understand these so-called digs you say I keep making. Maybe if you had gotten a better boob job, you would realize how silly you sound!”

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Alexis: “Seriously, if you don’t stop with this craziness (which, let’s face it — I do better), then I’m going to sic my TIm Curry gay on you.”
Peggy: “Oh, I can handle him. Do you even see him? He looks like he should be wearing a powdered wig and playing harpsichord.”
“I love the harp.”
“No, harpsiCHOR– never mind.”
“A woman’s place is not to play instruments, Peggy.”
“That’s ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as your gay.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean you have the worst gay here, and there are a LOT of bad gays here.”
“Um, have you seen Jeana’s?”
“Well played.”

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“There you go. You are the best gay a girl could have! I want nothing but the best for you — except for marriage.”

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“You know what would be awesome right now?? INSURANCE!”

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Peggy: “I love your tattoo. It’s just so classy.”

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Lady: “Oh, I forgot to tell you, Peggy, but Alexis says her tattoo is better than yours, even if you don’t have one.”

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Peggy: “Don’t take this the wrong way, sweetie, but you sort of look like a melted traffic cone.”

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“Let me ask you this, PEGGY: if we were both to jump off a cliff right now, who would glide to safety? That’s right: me. Alexis Couture wins again!”

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Peggy: “I think if we both jumped off a cliff, we’d both die.”
“Oh, real intelligent. You’re so smart, you should run for PRESIDENT. Typical liberal modern woman…”

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Woman: “And how are you, Vicki?”
“I’m great! Everything is perfect! It’s perfect!!”
“Great. I’m so glad this divorce business isn’t keeping you down.”
“Divorce? What divorce?”
“Ooops! I’m so sorry! I forgot we weren’t supposed to mention it.”
“Don’t worry. It’s totally fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re fine.”
“Great!”
“YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH.”

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Vicki: “What? There was a fight? Was everyone insured???”

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Vicki: “Excuse me, but if you don’t compliment these two women for turning old Led Zeppelin posters into dresses, I will kick you out of this party!”

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Peggy: “You go girl. My boobs approve.”

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“This is my impression of an angler fish.”

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“WATCH MY ANGLER FISH IMPERSONATION!!!”

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Jeana: “Quite frankly, I think Simon’s angler fish is better.”

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“MY ANGLER FISH IS AMAZING! DO YOU HEAR ME??”

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Jeana: “Damn. Today was the wrong day to leave rubber cement on my forehead. A little help please?”

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“UGH!!! What a waste of Charles Shaw!!!”

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“My name is Mishel, and I know two things: 1) you just threw wine on me, and 2) my name is misspelled. Bring it, bitch!”

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Mishel: “NnnnnnNNNGGH. That was a lot harder than it looked.”

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“Excuse ME, Tammy Knickerbocker, but this dress is ruined. Ruined! You think Target is going to take this back now??”

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Fernanda: “Hey, whaaa happen? Is it Carnivale?”

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Tamra: “It’s not fair! They ALL have gays to console them. Where’s mine?”
Eddie: “Wow. This is awkward…”

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“Well, it took three years, but I’m finally doing something interesting!”

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Jeana’s gay: “I hate all these people. I hope they all die! C’mon, J, let’s go listen to Sheena Easton.”

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Jeana’s gay: “You see this glass? I’m going to throw it three feet to show how MAD I am!”

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“THERE! Well, two feet, but I made my point.”

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Jeana: “The Monica Seles grunt was a nice touch.”

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“You know, Jeana tried to throw me into the pool. Can you believe it? She’s a monster!”

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“She actually lunged at me. LUNGED! That’s assault!”

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“I don’t know if you guys saw this or not, but Jeana had brass knuckles, and she was ready to throw them right in my face!”

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“I mean, she had a chainsaw. A chainsaw!”

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“Let me tell you something: the moment I saw her pull out that shotgun, I knew I had to throw the wine.”

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“Listen, you don’t mess around when you see Jeana wearing a bomb strapped to her waist. And you know it takes a lot of dynamite to span that stomach. Of course I threw the wine at her!”

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“She had actually found an old fashioned cannon, lit a cannon ball, and aimed it right at my face. Outrageous!”

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“I mean, I was terrified! She had actually conjured up a vortex to another dimension and was going to push me into it and then close off the portal for who knows HOW many years! What else was I supposed to do? I could have been stuck in opposite land! So I threw my wine at the bitch.”

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“She LITERALLY poured gas on me, lit me on fire, took a picture, sent the picture to Life magazine, told them I was a protester self-immolating on behalf of the Sudan, won a Pulitzer for her work, earned respect and admiration for years to come, was profiled on a new prestigious but low-rated series called ‘Behind the Photo,’ and invited to lecture at the New School. Of course I threw the wine in her face!!!”

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Gretchen: “So how does it feel to be a hypocrite?”

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Tamra: “I hope, Alexis, you realize that you are the color love child of me and Gretchen right now.”

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Alexis: “I mean, a female president? Women scientists? Dinosaurs? What sort of crazy world do we live in???”

37 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: I Thought This Was A Classy Party!”

  1. They all need haircuts.

    Does Jeana have a thing for Simon? I don’t even remember her hanging out with Simon and Tamara when they were all on the show together.

    Peggy and Alexis are going to have some interesting brawl at the reunion if last night’s “Watch What Happens” is any indication.

    And I still think that Donn and Vicki’s marriage could have been saved. I don’t think she will do better than Donn. And Slade was right about them needing to spend more time together.

  2. All these bitches have the worst skin ever. Beyond the acne scars – too much sun has turned them into old, leathery bags. Yech.

    I can’t wait ’til the reunion!

  3. these women are. the. worst. just. the. worst. idiots, all of them. jeana’s a big ole lump of idiocy for getting back on this show in as Jeana, defender of tequila entrepreneur/car salesman/terrible dresser Simon Barney. peggy is pile of idiot bones with skeletor’s face, dolly parton’s figure and a first grader’s mind (you’re mean to my best friend! she became my best friend on wednesday. today is friday. two whole days of best friendship! jangle jangle bones jangle). gretchen is a boring idiot (maybe the most offensive kind of idiot, in some ways, since that implies that she can’t even make me laugh). vicki is a self-martyring miss piggy idiot (i’m sorry, i don’t like to body snark, but her fake pinkish tan, facial features and blond hair and mouth agape always makes me think “miss piggy”; i guess that makes donn kermit, which makes sense as both are oft abused by their overbearing mates). tamra’s a trashy idiot (well, they all are, but she gets even more demerits for spelling her name that way and saying those things she says). and then there’s alexis. where do i begin with alexis? or, more importantly, how does it end? well, i’ll tell you what…i think if this dress line doesn’t work out (which, like her divorce, hasn’t happened…yet), based on her very educated and well thought out opinions about women and “liberal america,” she may have a future as a serious news commentator on fox news. idiot.

      1. and peggy is a skeletor… what an ugly woMAN. she is definately a snake. Eddie gets greasier looking every time I see him. what’s with the shirts!

  4. i just remembered why tamra, specifically, is an idiot…she was on a recorded tv show and decided that a national viewing audience would experience amnesia and understand her altercations with jeana just as tamra told it (fully of embellishments, trying to justify her own violent behavior). tamra, just because you say it’s so, doesn’t make it so. we have tv’s!!!

  5. I love that in that picture of Eddie & Micah having a moment Micah’s pinkie is out. It made me want to yell at him like I was Armand & he was Albert.

    I really wanted Jenna’s gay to yell “..’cause you people are BASTARD PEOPLE!”

    @CeCe – Peggy totally burned Alexis on WWHL with that comment about how she is kinda embarrassed about doing Jim back in the day.

    hb

    1. Can you imagine having to have been a former lover of Jim? I would totally deny it just like Peggy is.

  6. I’ve always given Tamra the benefit of the doubt about Simon physically abusing her because, no one knows what goes on in a marriage behind closed doors except for the 2 involved & I’ve seen it happen far too often when women are scared to speak up about abuse for fear of not being believed. BUT, after hearing Tamra — who completely & totally started that fight with Jenna with her aggressive language (f– yous were plentiful) and aggressive actions (throwing the paper & drink) all while Jenna basically stood there — turn around and say that Jenna “got violent” with HER, I don’t believe for one second that Simon hit her. There, I said it — as a woman, I feel terrible for saying it, but Tamra lost all credibility on what “violence” is, IMO. Who knows what the hell happened with the dog leash, but I’d bet the farm Simon didn’t throw it at Tamra.

  7. Jeanna is so wretched. STAY THE HELL OUT OF PEOPLE’S BUSINESS AND SHUT YOUR TRAP. Although I prbably wouldn’t have thrown the letter to her, she kinda deserved it. It’s not her marriage and it’s not her ex-husband. She seems so unhappy and miserable that she wants to stir the pot so that everyone can be unhappy and miserable with her.

    Gretchen totally made her point so effectively last night. I was actually worried for her as Tamra was riled up and seemed ready for a Round 2 fight. But Gretchen was calm and made her point.

    Vicki needs to take responsibility for at least half of their marriage ending. She can’t blame Donn on everything. She seems like a monster as a wife.

    1. Agreed about Gretchen. I haven’t really liked her this season at all (and was wondering why I even kind of liked her in the past) but her entire “pot meet kettle” confrontation with Tamra put me right back in her corner.

      I don’t care if what Tamra was saying about Gretchen was true or not (just like I don’t care if what Jenna was saying about Tamra was true or not), it all boils down to: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

      1. I totally agree about Gretchen. I think she deserved that moment and I for one was happy for her.

  8. You all are wrong and I am right.

    Team Jeanna all the way! These women surrender any right to have their personal lives out of the tabloids when they accept money to be filmed for reality tv. The only reason people are interested in Tamra is because of her personal life. It’s not as though she’s on the show because she’s a brilliant businesswoman or entertainer. She certainly doesn’t have any problem belittling the others on tv. Why should Jeanna be muzzled when Tamra has been talking shit about her – ON AIR – since well before Leashgate?

    But, who dresses Jeanna? Her hair color is horrid and her hairstyle is so dated. Her clothes do not flatter her broad shoulders and make her look like a linebacker in a doll costume. She isn’t that big but has no idea how to dress for her body.

    1. Jeana is a massive, passive-aggresive bitch. She’s awful. I can’t stand her. Jeana is always in everyone else’s business, talking shit about them, and smirking about it. She has allowed other people, most notably her family, to treat her like shit for so long that’s the only way she knows how to act. At least some of the other women have shown moments of humanity. Jeana comes across as a fake bitch in everything she does, including interacting with her children. Her and Camille Grammar . .. ugh.

    2. Agreed that when they sign the dotted line they give up privacy limits. And Tamra is getting her Karma boomerang from what she did to Gretchen last year. BUT … Jenna (the one woman doormat to men) has been asking for it and she got what she deserved.

      And Quinn needs a spring for a better wig. That fug thing on her head was ridiculous.

      hb

      1. Jeana is a drag queen and I was wondering if she was giving Quinn tips on how to be one too LOL!

  9. Great re-caps B-side! I was laughing out loud by the time I finished and before coffee! So do you think they will have another season? I’m not so sure. They were never at home, well the only time they were at home was in front of a mirror. All so staged IMO.

  10. What was Alexis smoking when Peggy first came up to confront her? She passed something to her friend Mishel, who was hiding behind her, and a huge puff of smoke went up. Then Alexis picked something out of her mouth. Almost looked like a matchstick?

    1. I thought it was a joint BUT I rewound & played it in slow motion and she isn’t smoking — there is smoke behind her (maybe from the barbeque or someone else smoking — can’t tell) and Alexis has a pin in her mouth & hands it to Mishel who pins the back of her dress.

      (I know, the truth is disappointing — but it is a pin in her mouth, not a cig or a joint or even an electronic cig). I guess Alexis Couture isn’t too well made. (Shocking I know).

  11. I used to feel bad for Jeana, but her constant medaling in other people’s business is beyond ridiculous.
    I laughed when Gretchen brought up that bit with Tamra, her constant victim persona shone through that one.. A brawl breaks out and she is still whining about how unfair she has been treated. Go figure.

    OH and I saw Peggy shopping in Laguna Saturday afternoon! I never would have recognized her, but my sister recognized Micah and her girls. I didn’t say anything to her, if it had been Vicki or Tamra I would have gone up to them and asked for a photo while having a bitchfest about Gretchen and Alexis! Too bad. Next time.

  12. I love your website. You had me in tears laughing (and I was having a crappy day) once I got to the picture recap where tamara is saying what Jeanna did to her. Genius and thank you!

  13. I could not get beyond the irony of Tamara throwing the envelop in Jeana’s face because Jeana was downplaying the viloence in the media of Simon throwing a leash at her.

    I think I may be becoming my mother – but Tamara could have poked an eye out with that or at least given one ugly paper cut to the eyeball. And her action was in total anger.

    And did anyone else hear Tamara slur “Decease and desist” letter?

  14. Fantastic re-cap, as always. Soooo….anyone else out there want to try the Preparation H-around-the-eyes trick?

  15. Great recap, B-side! Adored your Tamra exaggeration of the wine throwing incident.

    Another OC clusterfuckfest party out of the way.

    Vicki – you are a vile woman- you file for divorce and expect the man you wiped your feet on for years to come a-running? Bitch, please… And I could have done without the HD enchanced viewing of that truffle hunting face in full teary mode. I wanted to spread vaseline on my TV.

    Tamra – cunt supreme. Every moment of her on the screen verified my initial opinion of her as a trailer park piece of trash. Had a quite enough of her shrieking at Vicki in order to stop her from crying, her grinding up against her gay…I mean…Eddie, and her ferret face hypocritcally snarling at Jeana. I hope that her exaggerated account of the wine throwing incident is thrown in her botoxed face at the reunion.

    Peggy – lay off the booze and the makeup – both were a mistake for you. Running around loudly slurring “Do not bring up Donn to Vicki!”, having an epic battle of the idiots with Alexis, shit stirring with Jeana, keeping those ballon boobies in check and that Lily Munster makeup together was a fail!

    Gretchen – scored some points for pointing out to Tamra the Rabid Ferret the beauty of karma. But still has the Slade around. She is an idiot but I can stand her.

    Alexis – DIAF already – what a fucking dumbass. Enjoy your douchey husband, your horrid dress line, your Tim Curry gay and get the fuck off of my TV. Try displaying those horrid crotch length clothes in a “conservative” country like Saudi Arabia and see how far you get.

    As for the rest – Quinn – Kim Zolciak called and she couldn’t leave a message, she was laughing too hard. Tami Knickerbocker – drunk in the right way for that hot mess of a party. Jeana – ugh – please do something about that hair, find clothes that do not make you look like you are a linebacker, teach your gay to throw better (you are a part of a baseball family – hello?), stop taking sides with loser males, and mind your beeswax!!

    1. I second that! And wow, Tami K. was totally fucked up! BTW, vicki is starting to look like Mama Elsa.

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