BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Drama in Rachel’s Bush

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Let me get this straight: we’re only in week two of Big Brother? The amount of scheming and in-fighting early on this season has been quite lovely, and while we’ve yet to see our first giant fight, tension has been brewing, as evidenced by a brief tiff between Rachel and Jeff last night. Yes, the Veterans are starting to crack, which means that soon the house will splinter into a total mess of alliances, not that it hasn’t already.

From the outset of last night’s episode, we knew there was troubling brewing with the Veterans — and not just because CBS previewed it for us before the opening credits. Jeff made several disparaging remarks about Rachel in the Diary Room, often referring to her as a bug that required “Rachel-Off” spray. Rachel, meanwhile, was on a stealth campaign to reverse Jeff’s nominations of Dominic and Adam. Let’s not forget that Rachel now had Cassi in her crosshairs, thanks to a not-particularly-offensive remark Cassi had made about Porsche after the Keith eviction. (As you may remember, Cassi had merely said that the Newbies had wanted Porsche gone, causing Rachel to announce that “SOME OF US LIKE PORSCHE” before fussily exiting the padded room — which everyone seems to LOVE, btw). Gotta love when the girls tear each other down. So predictable.

Anyway, now Rachel wanted Cassi out of the house, but Jordan wisely (yes, I said “wisely) observed that this seemed to be more of a fixation than a strategic move. Jordan liked Cassi and wanted to keep her safe. Dominic was her true target, on account of him being the Newbie ringleader.

If you were to ask Dominic though, he wouldn’t call himself the ringleader. He had long since given up on his pals, instead opting for safety with Daniele. It was a smart move, and both of them seem to be smartly working their sides of the house to advance both their games. With Dominic as her new ally, Daniele jumped on the anti-Cassi train, not because she didn’t like the secret model, but more to keep the threat off Dom.

This all came to a head during the Veto competition, which saw the contestants in a funky version of Candy Land. Players needed to balance across a beam while chewing gum and blah blah blah it’s not important. All that does matter is that if anyone were to fall off the balance beam, they’d be eliminated… unless they volunteered for two weeks of slop, in which case they’d get a second and final chance to re-enter the game.

WELL.

Good ol’ Jordan claimed she was a gum-chewing expert, but she fell off the balance beam pretty quickly. She was about to climb back into the game, but Jeff ordered her to stay put. There was no need for her to put herself on slop, he contended. After all, she was already so far behind. It would be a useless gesture. And so Jordan sat down on the bench and left the Veto competition for good.

This annoyed Rachel for some reason, who made a snotty remark about how if the HoH wasn’t going to play, SHE would just have to win the competition instead. And that’s when things got hairy. Jeff immediately became enraged, and after the game he snapped at the ginger scientist, telling her to keep her stupid comments to herself. Truthfully, it didn’t make sense for Rachel to be talking smack to Jordan, especially if Rachel’s goal was to actually beat Jeff and Jordan and change the nominations (wouldn’t she have been delighted that Jordan bowed out?).

Nevertheless, after Jeff reprimanded her, Rachel threw a hissy fit, tossed her water bottle, and then began uttering that “it’s over!” I didn’t know what she meant, but perhaps she was referring to a sale on life vests for floaters? Brendon tried to then calm his lady down, but she was inconsolable, laughably retreating into a bush where she could cry in privacy. I don’t remember the last time Rachel was afraid to show her face while crying, but I suppose the bush offered her the leafy sanctuary she so desperately needed. The whole thing reminded me of a six-year-old throwing a tantrum. So in other words: Rachel on any given day.

Amusingly, Rachel didn’t understand why her little remark had been blown so out of proportion, but of course this is the girl who took Cassi’s fleeting comment and has now turned it into hard evidence of her duplicity. I’d hate to have seen Rachel existing in the McCarthy era.

Well, the whole gang eventually moved inside, and after some serious coaxing, Brendon managed to pull Rachel from her Topiary of Emotion. The two then retired to their bedroom, where Rachel continued moping — pausing only to suggest that she go up to Jordan and remind her that SHE and BRENDON let HER win HOH this week. Not a brilliant move. Brendon quickly shot her down, causing Rachel to pout once again like a petulant kid. It was brilliant. She’s awful.

All this craziness only served to put Brenchel on Jeff and Jordan’s radar. The rest of the episode focused on whether or not Jordan would make the ballsy move of placing her allies on the block instead of Shelly and Cassi. We all knew how it would play out, but it certainly was fun to think about Brenchel having a total meltdown in the face of being backdoored.

Ultimately, Jordan did in fact nominate Shelly and Cassi, which was both the safe move and the smart move. However, it wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world if Jordan went after Brenchel. Her concern was that the Veteran alliance would then be totally destroyed, but truth is that the Newbie alliance is a mess; so once the couples are broken up, I tend to think Jeff and Jordan could find a new group pretty quickly. Their only issue would not be that they’re Vets in a house of Newbies but that they’re a couple. That’s a problem they’ll face anyway though. Oh well.

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“So… why was I the only one who participated in Dress Like An Aquarium Day?”

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“Oh my God. I love playing with my hair. It’s so much better than Cassi’s hair. You know what she said about my hair? Nothing. But she stared at it for like a second, and it was SO clear that she was plotting against it. Bitch.”

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“Like, if Cassi were here right now, she’d probably drink the rest of that soda by my ear. But, like, it’s not hers to drink.”
Rachel: “Yeah!”
“She’s such a soda-drinking bitch!”

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“I, like, canNOT stop playing with my non-Cassi hair!”

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“In case you were wondering, I now sell dreamcatchers at flea markets and sing folk music with a sitar.”

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“I love bedding.”

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“I don’t know what pisses me off more: Rachel’s voice or Dumbledore’s chosen profession. He is gay, ya know.”

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Brendon: “You know what would make this hug even better?”
“What, Booki?”
“Superglue. Then we could never stop.”

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“I have a confession. You ever see that L.L. Bean Catalog with the woman sitting with a mug of coffee outside a new tent? That’s me.”

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“There’s also a picture of me in a canoe, but it’s just not my best angle.”

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“UGH. Why are they making me wear my dad’s clothes?”

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“Y’all ever have balls in your mouth? You know, like gum balls? And then you realize they’re actually testicles? That’s crazy.”

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“FLOATERS grab a SLOP PASS!!! Or… actually… don’t grab a slop pass? BOOKI! I’m confused!!!”

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Adam: “Okay, partner. Time for your victory BJ.”

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“It’s not polite to stare, Rachel, even if I am dressed like Tweetie Bird.”

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“Rachel, your comments are inappropriate. Almost as inappropriate as a gay wizard running a school for boys. That makes my blood boil!”

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“Ain’t no one getting between me and MY slop pass!”

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“Booki, I did nothing wrong! It was one small comment, and Jeff is totally blowing it out of proportion. I mean, who does he think he is? ME reacting to Cassi’s offhand remark about Porsche??”

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“You mind if I hug your shoulders real quick?”

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“How about your cheeks? You like this cheek hug?”

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Rachel: “[sniff sniff] I wasn’t ready for Double Trouble after all [sniff sniff].”

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“Booki, just go away. I’m pretending to be Charlie Sheen in Platoon.”

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“HOOO-WEEEE! That’s some kitchen counter! BAM!”

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“Booki, do you think the people of Candy Land hate me as much as America does? Princess Lolly probably thinks Cassi is pretty. I hate Princess Lolly. She’s such a BITCH.”

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“Candy floaters grab your gumdrops!”

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“I. Am going. To kick. Someone’s ass.”

What did you think about the episode?

17 replies on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Drama in Rachel’s Bush”

  1. OMG! Best. Headline. Ever.!!! You are brilliant and I just adore your “catty-ness”. I’ve been a faithful reader of yours but never commented, however, that headline alone deserves a standing ovation. Thanks for the laughs!

  2. What about the disgusting knees, especially Brendon’s, from the ant competition? Did you see those?

  3. That was actually the funniest BB one you’ve done this season (which is meant to be a compliment due to the generally high standard of all of them, obvs.) If you through in the day job and just started making fun of Rachel full time, it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world.

    It’s a shame because, until this point, I always thought Rachel was a bit misunderstood but, watching the Live Feeds this week, she’s just completely AWFUL.

  4. I was waiting for you to say something about Brendan telling Rachel they should just hug it out while she was crying in the bushes. I can’t believe you let a hug joke slide.

  5. Well, well….how’s a come, no one but no one ever really details Jeff and Brendon’s totally controlling, idiotic behavior?? Oh sure, Rachel has her diva-licious moments, but these two dolts are the most controlling aZZwipes to grace my tv screen in quite a long time.
    They bark commands at what Rachel and Jordan CAN and CANNOT do…it’s assinine, but what is even more incomprehensible to me is that NO ONE is calling these neatherthals…(did I pronounce that right? It’s Neander-TALL, right Brendon?) on their blantantly controlling behavior. I for one cannot stand Jeff this season, especially in light of dumble-gaygate. He parades around the house with blantant arrogance, putting his arms on his head, showing his pits in ape-like superiority. I for one would love to see this idiot shown the door. And Brendon…well…I’d be crazy too if I were Rachel, and wasn’t “Allowed” to talk, sit, blink, or breathe. But I guess it’s ok for him to accidentally take snapshots of his winkie…three different times? Lordie Lordie, hypocrisy reigns supreme!

    Never thought I’d be pullin’ for little ol’ Dominic.

  6. Rachel is so damn annoying. I was so wishing Jordan would back door them just to see the look on their faces!

    1. I agree, it would have been awesome to see Rachel go byebye and then lets see if Brendon can play with game

  7. I’m glad you mentioned how Rachel got mad Jordan fell off even though SHE was trying to beat jeff and Jordan. I had thought she said “If the HOH doesn’t have to play, then maybe I shouldn’t either,” and then she grabs the slop pass and falls again because she’s mad and can’t concentrate for…no reason what so ever… it was a beautiful thing. It’s funny though, Jordan falling and Jeff screaming “DON’T TAKE IT, YOU WON’T WIN ANYWAY!!” That to me was a bit more insulting then what Rachel said, but whatever. I almost wish Brendon had won and changed the nominations, because that would have gone so well with Jeff and Jordan, then the shit really would have hit the fan. The bushes, I can only assume, was some kind of sub-conscious, child memory Rachel had when she lived in the jungle while being raised by chimpanzees.

  8. Rachel will have lots more DRAMA for us tonight….. I want her on the block so bad… She will be a mess and I will love it!!!!!!
    That catti catti girl!!!! 🙂

  9. Topiary of Emotion. Classic.

    I wish they would have backdoored Brenchel. Everyone knows Rachel would be the one to go, leaving Brendon hugless and scared.

  10. Love the photocaps!

    If Rachel is such a good game player, wouldn’t she understand that the best scenario was for Adam or Dom to win veto? That way, they get taken off the block (like she wanted) but she wouldn’t have to go against HOH and take them off the block, thus keeping her alliance in tact? She would get what she wanted without getting her hands dirty.

    You can not win this game by winning every competition. The moves you make without power (HOH/veto) can be more successful than moves you make with power.

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