BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Rachel Gets Told Hoff

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There’s nothing better than when a silly, inconsequential luxury competition sets off a chain reaction on a reality show. We’ve seen it happen umpteen times on Survivor, and on last night’s Big Brother, it happened again. Here’s how it all went down: to hype up the premiere episode of Same Name, the producers arranged a competition in which the contestants had to guess the name of a celebrity who would be visiting the house. The first person to accurately identify the mystery star would win a special feast — as well as an exclusive sneak peak of the Same Name premiere episode. Probably not the most glamorous prize, but then again, it still beats out having to suffer through a screening of Jeremy Piven’s The Goods.

Anyway, through bizarrely flawed yet brilliant logic, Jordan managed to divine “David Hasselhoff” from the first clue, which consisted of soap and opera glasses. Most people deduced that the star hailed from soap operas, but Jordan saw the soap and thought of Bay, which I guess is some brand of household cleaner, and then she thought of washing. This resulted in “Baywash,” which became “Baywatch.” Keep in mind that she didn’t even use the opera glasses to come up with the concept of “watch.”

Nevertheless, as Jordan began describing her logic to us, I assumed the producers were just happily parading her stupidity out for us, but no, she somehow stumbled on to the correct answer, officially submitting “David Hasselhoff” as her final decision. Keep in mind this was after only one clue.

As for the rest of the house, there wasn’t much smarts going on. Brendon guessed Michael C. Hall, which made absolutely no sense. Even less logical was Porsche, who went with Michael Jackson. Keep in mind that this celebrity was supposed to be visiting the house. In person. ALIVE. Unless CBS has some macabre plan to unearth MJ and roll his coffin into the backyard, I’m thinking that Michael Jackson might not have been the wisest answer.

Anyway, David Hasselhoff did indeed roll into the Big Brother house in KIT, and soon he was hamming it up with the gang, who was only too happy to receive him. When I first heard that The Hoff would be entering the house, I thought this seemed like a rather low-rent affair (especially when Big Brother has courted guests such as Sheryl Crow and Neil Patrick Harris). However, The Hoff is kind of perfect for this kind of corny summer entertainment, and so I politely commend the producers and CBS for this well-executed star cameo.

Obviously Jordan won the prize, and soon she was tasked to invite two people to join her upstairs to watch TV and eat food. Her choices: Shelly and Kalia. This didn’t really seem to bother anyone except Rachel and Brendon, who immediately moped off to the purple room to cry and complain. Brendon immediately attacked his fiancé, implying that they lost because Rachel tried to help Porsche with the clues. This kicked off a long, idiotic fight between the two, with Rachel sensibly saying that it was no big deal — just a luxury competition. Brendon then did his standard guilt trip, saying that he loved Rachel to death, but she needed to not hold on to resentments for so long. Maybe I misheard, but wasn’t it Brendon who was carrying the grudge about the whole Porsche/clue situation?

Anyway, the argument soon became a debate about their future, and Brendon threatened to walk out of the house if Rachel didn’t get her head in the game. She, meanwhile, replied with her own passive-aggressive swipes, saying that Brendon was her dream man, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS MEAN TO HER, because he was so hot and smart but mostly hot. She then continued by saying she wanted a dream wedding, EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN’T WANT ONE, and she wanted her dream man to be there. Nothing like a relationship built on physical attraction and wedding aspirations.

Eventually, these two idiots settled down and focused their wrath on Jeff and Jordan, who they perceived now as a major threat to them. Fanning the flames was Daniele, who seems to be playing the smartest, shrewdest game right now. She’s wisely decided her best course of action is to pit the veterans against each other, and so she went up to the Head of Household room and informed Brenchel that they had to get rid of Jeff and Jordan. Rachel was totally on board, noting dramatically that the luxury dis was a SECOND STRIKE against them (the first being that Jordan neglected to nominate Cassi the first time around).

Amusingly though, just as Daniele left the HOH room, in walked Jeff, who wanted to know if Brenchel were okay with having not been picked for the competition. “Oh yeah! No problem!” replied Brendon and Rachel, in one of the most laughable bits of fakery this season. Clearly this is an alliance that is not long for this world.

Ultimately, Brenchel stayed true to the vets and nominated Adam and Dom. If those guys win the veto again, I’m curious who will take their place….

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“Oh my God! I can’t believe I’m Head of Household again! I still reserve the right to cry in a bush though.”

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“You know, we’re the couple in power right now, and I don’t see a single person lining up to hug me. What is wrong with you people?”

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“Okay, when Rachel comes out of the Diary Room, everyone throw pillows at her. Then, in all the confusion, someone just STAB HER IN THE FACE.”

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“FINISH HER.”

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“Floaters grab your pillows!!!!!”

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“Omigosh! They like me!!!! Hey, wait… are these pillows stuffed with rocks??”

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Lawon: “HOOOO-WEEEE!!! It’s a PILLOW fight! This is CAH-RAY-ZEE!!!”

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“This is, like, my dream pillow fight. Where’s Booki? I want my dream man at my dream pillow fight!”

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“You guyyyssss, that was so fun! Who organized it? I’M PUTTING YOU ON THE BLOCK.”

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“HOOO-WEEE!!! I wear orange Crocs. That’s CAH-RAY-ZEE!!!”

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Daniele: “I don’t know who this celebrity is. It’s not FAAAAiiirr. I want a real star!”

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“I, like, don’t know any celebrity names. You guys, it’s not FAAAAY-YER!!!!”

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“So I was looking at the soap and the glasses, and I was like ‘soapglass,’ which made me think of a soap dish, and the only time I use a soap dish is if I have to wash my hands, which makes me think of dirt, and what grows in dirt? Grass. And grass grows during the day, and day made me think of sunshine, which made me think of space, which made me think of stars, which made me think of David Hasselhoff!”

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“We can’t guess on the first clue. It’s stupid. And the LAST thing we want to do is look stupid!”
“You got that right, Booki!”

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“Since the clues indicated the celebrity is a soap star and a singer, I will guess someone who is NEITHER: Michael C. Hall!”

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“Hey, it’s me! David Hasselhoff! NOW WHERE THE HELL AM I???”

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“Is anyone else here absolutely wasted?”

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“I could really use a cheeseburger.”

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“Me? I’m not mad about not getting to hang out with David Hasselhoff. I’m not mad at all! Perfectly fine! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go crawl into a bush.”

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David Hasselhoff: “Oh, this looks delicious!”
“Yeah, go on ahead, Hoff. We haven’t eaten normal food in over a month, but please help yourself to our sushi. The same sushi you can get three times a day if you wanted.”

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“I’d like to make love to you Jeremiah.”
“It’s Jordan.”
“Whatever.”

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“I wanted to play with the Hoff. I’m HoH. How could they not pick me?”

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“They’re jerks! They’re so mad I could go up there and punch them! Or hug them. I’ll play it by ear.”

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“Why is there no shrubbery in this house? I need to cry!”

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“Baby, you can cry to me. I’ll be your man-bush.”

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“But you’re mean to me.”

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“Baby, you were helping Porsche. That’s why I was mean.”

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“But who cares? It’s a luxury competition!”

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“You have to let it go. You hold on to things too much.”

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“But you were the one who brought it up.”

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“Baby. I love you with all my heart, but if you don’t start making sense, I will walk out of this house. Is that what you want?”

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“Kind of.”

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“Baby, I can’t believe you want me to leave.”

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“You’re my dream man. And even though you are always mean to me, I want to be with you and have a dream wedding. But if you don’t want that, that’s OKAY. I’ll just sit here in the corner in my imaginary bush.”

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“I just want a hug.”

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“Booki, all we do is fight.”

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“That’s because we’re awful.”

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“Yeah… Cryers grab your tissues!”

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Dom: “Hey Dani, how about we name our alliance the Table-Sitters!”
“No.”

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“Oh my gosh. That David Hasselhoff is SUCH a Samantha!”

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“As I watched a sneak peak of the show Same Name, I couldn’t help but wonder: when it comes to making love and having sex, is it all the same? Or in name only?”

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“Hey, I just want to check that you guys weren’t upset that Jordan didn’t pick you for the luxury prize.”

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“What? Oh no. That’s crazy. It’s not like we spent an hour crying over it and then the next hour plotting your exit from the house. Hahahhahaa!!!!”

What did you think about the episode?

21 replies on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Rachel Gets Told Hoff”

  1. I was so incredibly proud of jordan… though her logic was crazy (I’ve never even HEARD of bay) she somehow pulled it out of thin air. Perhaps it was production, perhaps she really is that magical, but it was a lovely moment.

    But Car stole the show with Michael Jackson…I want Chenbot to ask her if that was a legit guess…

  2. This episode once again shows why viewership is down. Who really wants to watch this crybaby BS? Glad football is coming.

  3. Hahahaha! So funny! I love your photocaps. I’m always lurking Joker’s updates for the next one lol =)

  4. Easily offended people, grab your earplugs…

    I was watching After Dark and some of the girls were discussing how disgusting Rachel and Brendan are. Why? They leave stains on all of the blankets and beds all over the house.

  5. Jordan did pull that one out of thin air.
    The Bickersons take annoying to a whole new level.

  6. I thought Jordan did use the binoculars to figure out you could watch something with them and combined that with the soap (and some random brand Bay?)

    1. Yes, she did, she said “watch” for the glasses, then changed it to “wash.” She’s smart in a weird autistic way.

  7. I am really hoping that Rachel gets picked up by the producers of Bridezillas.

    And who is styling the Hoff.? Demin suit with scrolly ass.?? Gag.

    hb

    1. Rachel is on one of the bride shows on TLC….they show her on the previews every day. I think it’s say yes to the dress…it’s an LA version.

    2. OMG – such a great idea! Even though I know their marriage will only last for 2.5 seconds, I hope they actually get married and are on that show. As much as I can stand her on BB and was pissed that CBS brought her back, Bridezillas would be perfect!

  8. I have to admit, when she guessed Michael Jackson I didn’t think the fact that he’s dead, it’s kind of a crappy guess. If anything, Rachel’s clue to her had to have been some kind of sabotage. Jordan went all Rain Man, it’s so cute. I hope someone drops a box of toothpicks. I also hope Hasselhoff drives back into the house in a drunken fury and hits Brendon and Rachel.

  9. HA HA! LOVE the photo recaps. Almost makes it worth B/R being in the house! More, more….LOL

  10. Did Lawon really think that the non-celebrity David Hasselhoff’s real name could have possibly been Barbra Streisand??

  11. Your recap of the Brenchel fight was spot on! Those two totally deserve each other, yet his constant criticism and manipulation of her already low self-esteem is at times disturbing to watch. If only Dr. Drew had a relationship rehab; these two would be his first couple to counsel! (And didn’t they have a feature last season with Brendon’s ex-GF and her mother where they described just how controlling Brendon was in that relationship too?)

  12. Brendon: “That’s because we’re awful.”

    lmfao… best single photocap I’ve seen yet. Keep it up!

  13. Michael C Hall was in a few musicals including Chicago. I think Brendan couldn’t think of any soap stars so he pulled a name from a primetime show that acts like a soap opera (Dexter)… not that there’s any excuse for a stupid guess but I think they *had* to guess and that’s the name he pulled outta his ass. It’s sure better than Michael Jackson, and I think it’s so funny that Rachel gave her that name… and that she actually guessed it!!!

  14. Well I had all intentions of making a snarky comment regarding the show, but wait….

    Brenchel’s rampant stains around the house AND Rachel is going to be on Say Yes to the Dress???? I just punched my tv.

  15. Come on, people! You know if this were an HBO comedy sitcom, we’d all be laughing our asses off. They are all such caricatures. Brilliant casting.

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