REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: A Very Guido Christmas

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It may be the height of summer here in the Northern Hemisphere, but it’s the Holiday Season on Real Housewives of New Jersey. With Christmas just around the corner, this latest episode focused on all the angst and anxiety that can sometimes derails people’s yuletide spirit. Lauren Manzo received quite a bit of screen time as she complained about being left out from Chris and Albie’s Hoboken life. Here’s an idea Lauren: MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOM’S HOME AND MAKE FRIENDS. Thank goodness Momma has a brain because as Lauren headed down a path of self-pity, Caroline shut her down, saying that she was being unreasonable. “That’s life,” Caroline stated with the sort of common sense authority that one never finds on reality TV (ie. Jacqueline and her bratty daughter Ashley).

Meanwhile, this holiday-themed episode delivered us the greatest gift of all: a Kim G. appearance! The twitchy, zazzy NOT-old-lady welcomed Jacqueline into her home and divulged that she had once suffered from brain cancer. Bravo, being the sensitive network that it is, scored Kim’s tearful confession with the silly music it reserves for Jill Zarin selecting an hors d’oeuvre or Kim Zolciak trying to spell “CAT.” It was a weird moment, and it was only made weirder when we saw the yellow eyesore of a couch Kim G has installed in her living room. The thing looked like a parakeet gone wrong. Way wrong.

Nevertheless, Kim was eager to talk smack about Teresa, and somehow this segued into a discussion of one Monica Chacon, who seems likely to be this franchise’s MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK. Monica, you see, is the wife of the lawyer of Joe Giudice’s ex-partner, and in a flashback to the POSCHE fashion show, we saw her telling Kathy and Melissa proudly that she was suing Joe. This was met with a hilarious “Ohhhhhh…” of awkwardness by the Gorga ladies.

Later in the episode, the Monica intrigue reached new levels when reports surfaced that Teresa had screamed at her in court. Of course, Teresa explained that she had merely told Monica to stop hanging around her friends and then walked away. Such a lady that one. Too bad Joe narc’d on her to the guys when he told them how she basically went off like a lunatic. It was both hilarious to hear both accounts and frustrating: I absolutely detest Teresa’s sociopathic way of thinking everything she does is polite and civilized. The woman needs to get a grip. Needless to say, I’m most excited to see what happens when Monica appears at Melissa’s holiday party next week.

In the end, everyone except for Kathy convened at Jacqueline’s place for a holiday cocktail party, and despite what the previews suggested, there was no drama. There were a few passive-aggressive swipes between Melissa and Teresa, but Caroline managed to referee successfully and keep things fun. And then Joe Gorga put on one of Jacqueline’s dresses, and everyone was happy (except possibly Jacqueline who probably didn’t appreciate that she and Joe Gorga are the same dress size).

Oh, and there was some Kathy stuff, but it was pretty forgettable. Here’s the photocap:

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“I wish I knew about things.”

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“I hope Santa brings me wooden letters that spell Bon Appetit!

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“I’m on DISPLAY on DISPLAY! Every DAY every DAY! When I mold CLAY mold CLAY! On a lunchroom TRAY on a TRAY!!!”

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“Hey Joe. JOE! Why you gotta faucet comin’ out of your head?”

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“I love the living room picnic, Joe!”
“Yeah, well, Tre, now might be a good time to tell yous that I auctioned off alls our dining room furnitures.”

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“Um, is a magic wand going to choose me or what?”

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“Aw, Lauren, it’s not that your brothers don’t love you. It’s just that they are much, much cooler than you now.”

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Kim G: “Yeah, look. I’m missing part of my skull. See this? No skull. All empty. I’m like a frickin’ monster.”
Jacqueline: “This explains so much…”

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“OHHH!!! You had part of your brain removed! So THAT’S why you have these hideously yellow couches!!!”

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“We just saw Platoon on Ice! Magical!”

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“Joe, did you forget to wear your cock ring? Every time I grabbed your thing in court, it didn’t vibrate.”

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“Hey sis, if I don’t get to dress up like a woman tonight, it will break MY HEART INTO A THOUSAND LITTLE PIECES!!!”

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“Let me tell you something: I walked up to Monica Chacon and told her to be quiet. And then I walked away.”
Joe: “I think yous left out the part where you screamed in her face and told her you’re from Paterson.”
“Like I said, I was VERY nice!”

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“Does this dress make my hair plugs look fat?”

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“Does everyone like this outfit? I got it from Where The Wild Things ‘R’ Us.”

What did you think about the episode?

11 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: A Very Guido Christmas”

  1. Lauren Manzo was just dreadful. I wanted to punch her every time I saw her cry about missing her brothers. GET A GRIP! Albie seemed like he just gave her the key to shut her up. I can’t believe she wanted them to call her for a random pasta dinner. The last thing she needs to be doing is eating pasta. She needs to go hang out with moon face. They’re both equally clueless.

    My favorite part of the episode was when Joe Gorga was introduced to Greg. The height difference was so great Greg’s head didn’t even make the shot. Haha!

    1. that was my favourite part too. He must have thought” oh my god, Im the shortest person in the room, better go put some women’s clothing on so no-one will notice”

  2. Whats with Joe Gorga and the cross dressing?.This isn’t the first time he’s frocked up as we recall he dressed as Snooki for Halloween and it didn’t seem to take any encouragement. Also he looked TINY standing next to Greg who admittedly is quite tall. Maybe wearing womens clothing is a way of him getting attention due to his diminutive stature. Speaking of Greg,he got quite a bit of air time in this episode but he seemed to be missing a certain two snaps up fabulousness thats required by a Real Housewife Gay (and a small ratty dog named Dolores in a pink outfit doesn’t cut it with me),Still he’s way better than Dwight or horrible Brad.

    1. You could hear Melissa in the background at one point too saying “my husband lovvvves dressing in women’s clothes”

  3. ugh, caroline manzo’s advice is the most profitable pile of nonadvice ever given. “Fix it. Do what you have to do. Fix it.” “That’s life”. I don’t know, where do I sign up to get a paying job by spewing out obvious cliches “The happiest people in life dont have the best, they make the best of what they have” just rip off a college kid’s facebook profile, amiright?

    1. So right…. “FIX IT”…”Guess what?” Another one I can’t stand. Almost as much as I can’t stand Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley..that orange bitch.

  4. I adore Albie…that’s all.

    Oh, and I do sort of feel bad for Theresa. You can tell she was feeling out of sorts at the party, seeing her sis-in-law moving in on her turf and friends.

      1. I have to defend Teresa a bit here. Melissa seems to want everything that Teresa has. She used her Xmas photographer and gave her daughter the exact same photo Gia had. She uses Teresa’s hairstylist. She shops at the same stores Teresa does. And now, she wants Teresa’s friends, too. I’d be a bit annoyed myself.

        I’d also be annoyed to see my brother playing it up for the cameras so much. You ever had a friend/family member that acted one way but when they got arounds other people or a camera you can just see how phony they are acting? It’s kind of like a secondhand embarrassment to see your brother willingly put on a dress and act like a clown for the cameras. I’d cringe if my brother did that. Especially when I see everyone laughing at him and not with him.

  5. I LOVE how Caroline cries when her sons leave the house but gets mad at Lauren for crying, too. I so wish Caroline were self-aware. She is so holier than thou but whenever I see Albert, he is giving her looks of disgust. I want to say to her, “He hates you. Fix it!”

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