What if you made a music video, and no one came to be in it? Would it still make a noise? That’s the philosophical question that I’m sure someone asked when watching last night’s catty, penultimate (sniff sniff) episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. The big news was that LuAnn was putting together a music video for her soon-to-be radio smash “Chic, C’est La Vie,” and naturally all the women would want to be in it, right? Not so much. First Ramona expressed concern because she felt the video would send a poor message to Avery. Then Alex dropped out because she simply a) hates LuAnn, and b) hates the idea of a song that celebrates jetsetting and “class.” In fact, we learned that Alex hates the word “class” entirely, noting that those who have it don’t flaunt it. Point well taken. However, as Alex and Simon grumbled about LuAnn, I couldn’t help but cringe at the inevitable clash this would lead to in the reunion, especially when Simon suggested taking the “o” out of “Countess.”
Nevertheless, Ramona and LuAnn decided to have coffee, which we knew would end badly, especially when the first words out of The Countess’s mouth were a passive-aggressive complaint about having to travel across town to get there.
Anyway, what ensued was yet another remarkable, cringe-worthy, horrific, petty, and generally amazing dustup between these two arch-rivals. Both women managed to dress each other down with cutting words and insinuations, and while normally I find that LuAnn tends to be in the wrong, this time around, it seemed like Ramona was a bit on the losing side. It would have been fine if she had just said she didn’t feel comfortable being in the video, and it would have been smarter if she had just said, “I can’t make it.” But instead, Ramona launched into a rather sanctimonious spiel about how she’s a role model to Avery (which never stopped her from making an ass of herself on national TV) and then began insinuating all the different and varied ways in which LuAnn was a negligent and perhaps less successful mother to Victoria.
Of course, the Countess is no shrinking violet, and she angrily dished it all back at Ramona, at first suggesting that Ramona was being an unsupportive friend, and then implying that her marriage with Mario was on the brink. Ramona, however, didn’t miss a beat and clucked about how wonderful it was to be married for eighteen years and not have her husband cheat on her once. KA-BOOM. That was line that put LuAnn over the edge, and soon thereafter she politely excused herself from the table and left, surely muttering “witch” under her breath. It was all so uncomfortable and nasty that I couldn’t help giggling with delight.
Eventually LuAnn headed down to the super class BORGATA Casino and Resort in Atlantic City to film her video with Jill, who hilariously proved to be a pain in the ass on the set. Are we surprised, though? Hearing her harp on a sunset from a limo was worth having her there. Kelly also made a brief appearance, as did Bobby and his son, DARREN ZARIN. Chuckles were had.
Back up in the city, there was more tension brewing. Sonja invited Cindy over for a sad breakfast (at 11:30 AM) that seemed to be entirely forged in an old toaster. I know this was part of Sonja’s attempt to brand herself as the Toaster Oven Cuisine Queen, but this just looked unfortunate. Nevertheless, as we all remember, the last time Cindy visited Sonja’s home, things didn’t go so well. I believe a certain pecking order was discussed. This time around, the women tried to start things anew, but when Cindy took a conference call in the kitchen and then shushed Sonja multiple times rather rudely, we knew these two women would never mesh.
To be fair, I think it was rather rude of Cindy to take the call right there in the kitchen, but it was also rude of Sonja to make so much noise in the background (clattering pots and pans, screaming at Cindy to get off the phone). Still, Sonja wins this battle because Cindy’s shushing really was obnoxious, and quite frankly, I’m not sure why she double-booked herself in the first place.
Anyway, on to the photocap…
“Will you be making me look extra-mannish for the video?”
Ramona: “You know, I need to be a role model for Avery, and a music video – that lasts forever! It’ll be on the Internet until the end of time. However, getting drunk and insulting people on a nationally broadcast reality show, that’s fine.”
“Class? What an awful word. I mean, LuAnn might as well release a song called, ‘Money Can’t Buy You a CUNT.’”
“I can’t wait to tell DAAAARIN ZAAAARIN about this cap.”
“I don’t know if I should do the video. On the one hand, it would be fun. On the other hand, it’s so outrageously embarrassing.”
“LuAnn, I’m not doing your video because I think it sends the wrong message.”
“And what message is THAT, Ramona?”
“Well, your last video had a lot of men lying on beds and, well, I find that too risqué. No. You know what it is? Déclassé. Sorry. That’s what it is.”
“Oh, Ms. Turtle Time is lecturing me on impropriety?”
“Well, I have an image to uphold for my daughter. That’s very important for me. And that’s okay if you don’t care what your daughter thinks of you.”
“Excuse me. I never said that I don’t care what my daughter thinks of me.”
“Infer what you want from what I said. I’m just saying that I like to actually spend TIME with my daughter, and that’s why she’s turned out so wonderfully.”
“So you’re implying that because I only see my daughter on the weekends that she’s a total mess?”
“Infer what you want.”
“ALLS I know is that you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I’m only speaking about my relationship with my daughter, which is very strong and probably would not be the same if I left her home alone in the Hamptons five days a week.”
“There you go again.”
“Infer what you want!”
“My daughter has turned out wonderfully.”
“She’s a lovely young lady, and her racist YouTube video was really a hoot!”
“So tell me, Ramona. How IS your crumbling marriage?”
“My marriage is wonderful. We’ve been going eighteen years strong, and I hope someday you can experience what it feels like to be with a man for almost two decades without him cheating on you.”
“That was low, Ramona. Even for you.”
“INFER WHAT YOU WANT!”
“Well, if you don’t want to do the video, that’s fine.”
“And if you can’t find it in your IMPUDENT LITTLE HEART TO SUPPORT A FRIEND, well, that’s something YOU’LL have to deal with.”
“I’m very supportive.”
“I’d like to remind you that I trekked ACROSS town to get here. And for what? There’s not a single FRENCH FLAG ANYWHERE!”
“You know, Cindy, I just toasted a slice of Ezekiel bread for you, and this is the thanks I get? Not in my house!”
“Give me a minute. I mean… seriously?”
“And you know what else I did for you? I bought you orange juice. ORANGE JUICE! And did I mention the Ezekiel bread?”
“Alright. Enough with the Ezekiel bread.”
“I preheated my toaster oven. PREHEATED! And you know what I put in there? EZEKIEL BREAD!”
“You’re acting like I’ve been on the phone forevah.”
“Well, you’ve been on long enough that I could have run down to the grocery store and bought you a new loaf of EZEKIEL BREAD.”
“No one will ever know that I’ve poisoned Ramona’s pinot grigio. CHIC, C’EST LA VIE!”
Jill: “I need to know right now: are we going to film that sunset? Because if not, I’m leaving this shoot.”
Ramona: “You’re looking busty.”
Sonja: “Yes, well, I stuffed my bra with Ezekiel bread.”
“Oh my gosh. I’ve grown accustomed to Brooklyn. WHAT SORT OF ROLE MODEL AM I??”
“And so the she takes a call for ten minutes in my kitchen! It’s like she didn’t even SEE the Ezekiel Bread!”
LuAnn: “Hmmm… not sure that Bobby is very Chic, C’est La Vie. Can we find someone who’s a little less… ethnic?”
LuAnn: “Look at me walking with ELE-GAAANCE.”
Jill: “I want to film another sunset.”
“Well, I think I’ve established my street-cred thoroughly.”
What did you think about the episode? Team Ramona or Team LuAnn? Team Sonja or Team Cindy?