Well, it’s over. The fourth season of The Real Housewives of New York City managed to survive the departure of Bethenny Frankel by serving us an extra helping of catty in-fighting for sixteen glorious episodes. I think just about everyone fought with everyone… except for Kelly, who emerged as the most mature and level-headed woman of the crew. How did that happen? Have we slipped into some strange gummy-bear-fueled parallel dimension? If so, how do we fix it? Clearly Santa will be of no help.
Nevertheless, this final episode centered around the one year anniversary of LuAnn and Jacques. The Countess decided to stage a festive party on a boat, which got me excited if only because we knew it would inevitably lead to her singing yet again. And I use the term “singing” loosely. The big surprise for the guests would be that the one and only Natalie Cole would be joining LuAnn on the mic. I guess the idea is that a rising tide will lift all boats, with the tide being Natalie Cole and the boats being LuAnn; although, it’ll require a tsunami to dredge up the shipwreck that is LuAnn’s singing voice. Too soon for tsunami jokes?
Anyway, while LuAnn prepared for her nautical duet, Ramona had her own surprise to deal with: a potential pregnancy. We learned two vital facts about Ramomer: A) she still gets her period, even in her early fifties; and B) she was late. It doesn’t take a genius to piece this together, but somehow Jill was the only one who verbalized it: if you don’t get your period when you’re 54, it doesn’t mean you’re pregnant. It means you’re dried up (much as Bethenny’s friend had warned her she would once be).
Nevertheless, Ramona’s boobs did swell up unexpectedly, and this seemed like enough evidence to summon fears of a stork. She traveled over to Sonja for her expert opinion (unwisely forgoing Jill Zarin and her family’s extensive but unlicensed and untrained medical advise). Of course Sonja had all sorts of salient observations that clearly indicated that Ramona was preggers, and as the two women babbled and giggled away, I couldn’t help but feel like this was an utterly ridiculous story line for Bravo to drop into the season finale.
Later, Sonja met up with her best frenemy Cindy to talk about their disastrous brunch from the previous episode. I happened to have thought Sonja was justified for being annoyed at Cindy, but her way of addressing the issue was a total disaster. She rambled on at length, going so far as to suggest that Cindy could use some business pointers from her. I guess it would make sense if Cindy were looking for a quick way to lose SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS. Step one: invest in a crackpot movie. Step two: wait.
As you can imagine, the meeting was a disaster — like almost every other tiff this season — and soon we were on the high seas, or at least the East River, as LuAnn’s party swung into action. From the getgo, Jill was on a rampage. This was the Jill Zarin of season three: overeager to butt her nose into everyone’s business and start a drama. The first such incident happened when Ramona and Sonja arrived thirty-minutes after the boat was supposed to leave. Jill pulled LuAnn aside and suggested that the Countess say something. It was none of Jill’s business, and the whole purpose was to make Ramona feel bad unnecessarily. Luckily, LuAnn did the rare classy thing — sorry Alex for using the word — and told Jill that she wasn’t going to start any drama tonight.
Jill wasn’t done yet though. Later, this whole pregnancy silliness resulted in Sonja and Ramona clamoring into a bathroom together, ruffling a curious Jill. You see, Jill didn’t know what was going on, and since she felt left out, she tried to turn everyone against Ramona and Sonja. She immediately reported back to the other women that Ramona and Sonja were acting strange in a bathroom together, exchanging secrets and being shifty. I really don’t know why no one was there to say, “Who cares?” At the very least Kelly could have done it. That’s her favorite thing to do. I mean, she probably wrote “Who cares??” on top of each bubble on her SATs.
LuAnn did tell Jill to cool it (kudos to LuAnn for taking the high road TWICE!), but in her interview, LuAnn was clearly pissed off. She even balked that her thunder was being stolen. A) It wasn’t. And B) if it were to be stolen, it would be by Jill making a mountain out of a molehill.
Nevertheless, things settled down as LuAnn groaned her way through an amiable rendition of “L.O.V.E.” with Natalie Cole. Jacques seemed very touched, and hopefully he didn’t notice the Statue of Liberty that Ramona was happy to point out came from LuAnn’s ex’s family. To be fair, Ramona made it seem like LuAnn had chosen the route intentionally, but truth be told, all those boats go around the statue. This has been a friendly reminder from your Party Boat Ombudsman.
Well, in the end, everything seemed okay. Ramona wasn’t pregnant (shocker!), and the season drew to a close with the standard on-screen updates, which seemed rather cheeky this go-around. Some of them even asked questions like a fey gossip wag.
Next up is the reunion, which looks to be an intense affair. I’m sure LuAnn will chew off Alex’s head, especially after Alex’s comment that the Countess was 80% insufferable and 20% fun. I guffawed at that — half because it was funny and half because we just knew LuAnn probably popped a vein in her forehead at hearing it.
Ah… good times…
“Because I’m friends with Andy Cohen, I’m contractually obligated to ask you to sing with me.”
“Ladies and gentlemen: this is the Countess speaking. It would be an honor… to pretend like I’m surprised by the producers asking you to ask me to sing together.”
“Great! One tip for our duet: try not to sound so mannish.”
Avery: “My mom still gets her period! Plus, she’s a raging alcoholic!”
“Excuse me, Alex, but there seems to be an oversized piece of squid ink ravioli on your head.”
“Cindy, might i remind you that I took time out of my busy day to have brunch with you. I mean, I had gardening to do. And toilets to unclog. And fluffy slippers to wear while eating bon bons.”
“You spoke to my assistant like she was a second class citizen. I mean… seriously?”
“Look at my boobs. They’re filled with Pinot Grigio.”
“Do you want to see my trout face? Because here it is. I’m doing it. Don’t I look like a trout?”
Ramona: “Sonja, you wore the same dress as me. That’s rude. No. You know what that is? It’s déclassé. Sorry. That’s what it is.”
“They served me chicken instead of pasta. Who’s going to fix this? SANTA?”
“Let’s say grace. Okay, everyone close your eyes. Now open them. Now close them. Now reenter the boat.”
“‘A shave and a haircut’…. c’mon, Noelle. You know the rest.”
“Now be honest, Noelle, how much better is this than taco night?”
“Ramona and Sonja went into the bathroom together? WELL I BETTER TURN THIS INTO MUCH MORE OF A SCANDAL THAT IT EVER COULD POSSIBLY BE.”
LuAnn: “Wow, that was great!”
Natalie Cole: “Just stay away from me.”
Natalie Cole: “I dedicate this song to the drunk guy behind me.”
“Jacques, I really want you to work on not crashing into me when we kiss.”
“Anyone see a toaster oven? ANYONE?”
“I have to get to the bathroom. This camera man has the WORST manners. OUT OF MY WINDING HALLWAY!”
“Jack??? JACK??? WHERE ARE YOU??? THERE WAS AN ICEBERG STRAIGHT AHEAD! THE SHIP IS SINKING!!!”
“Maybe if I dive into the Hudson now while no one’s looking, I can escape my debts and start a new life with a new name. I’m thinking ‘Belinda Duff-Sanchez.’”
“This better be the way to Cipriani’s.”
“I gotta get out of here. Cindy’s about to start another conference call.”
“A lot of hallways to not have any help.”
What did you think about the season finale?