After weeks of playing all sides of the house, Shelly finally felt some heat on last night’s Big Brother. Oddly enough, it was she who brought it on herself. After having been nominated by Daniele, Shelly went on a warpath to clear the record about an alleged pact she had with Brenchel to go to the final three. Shelly vehemently denied the agreement (despite video footage showing her initiating the deal) and accused Rachel of lying to the house about it. Rachel, of course, denied the allegations, and soon both women were accusing each other of fibbing. Next thing we knew, Shelly was dragging Porsche and her ever expanding derriere into the room to hear her side of the story, which clarified very little. In the end though, it was Shelly who wound up looking like the biggest fool, especially when Rachel casually noted that Shelly once contemplated Jordan’s eviction. This caused all sorts of anger by the Shellster, who adamantly denied ever plotting against her loyal master. Meanwhile, Dani just sat back and watched this mess play out, finally achieving the divide-and-conquer goals she’d spent the past four weeks tinkering away at.
Truth is that all Shelly managed to do with this fight was make herself look like an idiot. She antagonized Brenchel, made herself look untrustworthy to Jeff and Jordan (who claimed they still had her back, but I sincerely doubt it), and ultimately brought attention to her unscrupulous scheming. Not smart, BRO.
For Shelly, her only hope was winning the power of veto, but amusingly, she disqualified herself in the first round of the competition by serving up the very word cornhole toss of all time. She looked angrier than a truck driver with a flat as she sat down on the haystack in disgrace. The only people more upset were Brendon and Rachel, who were forced to sit on the sidelines for the first time all season. Ultimately, Adam won the veto thanks to Daniele and Jeff throwing the competition (we think? It was a touch too close to be certain), and despite some heavy campaigning by Brenchel (including some valid points about Jeff’s growing army of followers), Daniele stuck to her guns and put Brendon on the block. It’s looking like this will be the end of Brenchel for good; although, if Daniele is right in saying that Brendon is some sort of zombie, we may be seeing him again and again and again.
In other goofy news, Jordan wound up stuck in something called the “Humilitard,” which was actually a rather cute unitard — tutu — beanie combination that made giggle despite myself. Shelly, on the other hand, wound up in solitary confinement for twenty-four hours, but at least she got a blubbery call with her husband and daughter, which was nice, I suppose.
Aside from that, it was business as usual this episode. If all goes to plan, it looks like Brendon will be getting the axe; although, I suppose it all weighs on Jeff and Jordan. Who will they be loyal to? Should be an interesting eviction tonight….
“I need to have a word with Rachel. With all the lies she’s spreading, she can suck my big fat dick, BRO.”
“I wonder what the difference is between popcorn and Corn Pops.”
“Rachel, I need to talk to you, man to man.”
“Ain’t no leathery redneck coming between me and MY man!”
“I can’t believe how mad Shelly is. Being mad reminds me of Mad-Libs. And that makes me think of words. And I, like, don’t know a lot of words; so I have to use a dictionary a lot. And dictionaries can be heavy. And heavy things need to be moved with a forklift. And forklifts make me think of going to Costco. And I always get big boxes of cereal at Costco. And cereal sounds like Syria. Oh gosh! I bet Secretary of State Clinton demanded that the President of Syria step down today!”
“Porsche, be honest with me, BRO. Are you a VIP Cocktail Waitress?”
“Do I look like someone who would be able to maintain the LUXURIOUS lifestyle of a VIP Cocktail Waitress? That’s hardly me. I’m just a humble girl who likes to play with her cat and ponder the mysteries of lint.”
“Rachel, for you to say that I would want Jordan to go home is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, I would never put that girl in harm’s way. She is a sweet, lovely girl. She has a smile that can light up a room… and the cutest little dimples… and those eyes: like two gems… and don’t get me started on those round, perky breasts of hers. Or her skin. Her supple, smooth, lickable skin… I can imagine on a sticky day down on the Bayou, a sheen of sweat appearing on her collar bone, her shirt sticking to her chest. We’re just rowing in a boat. It’s hot. It’s humid. Things get out of hand… I’m sorry, what was the question?”
“Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: MC Skat Kat is a visionary.”
“COSMETICIANS GRAB YOUR BLUSH!”
“People in this game just lie, BRO. I feel like I’m the only one who ever MANS UP.”
“I’m gonna win this veto, and then I’m gonna splooge all over it, BRO.”
“SQUARE DANCERS GRAB YOUR PARTNERS (and do-si-do)!”
“AIN’T NO TORNADO COMING BETWEEN ME AND MY FARMHOUSE!!”
“WHO’S READY FOR DOUBLE HAYRIDE TROUBLE?”
“AND YOU GET A CARIBBEAN VACATION! AND YOU GET A CARIBBEAN VACATION! AND YOU GET A CARIBBEAN VACATION!!!!”
“Rachel, you need to just relax. I’m coming in for a hug; so just calm down and let me do it.”
“I am so upset right now. I thought cornhole was going to be something ENTIRELY different.”
“At least now I’ll get a call from home. Can’t wait to talk to the little lady. And my daughter too.”
“Everyone check out my humilitard! It’s really goofy. Just like Goofy from Disney. I love going to Disney. It makes me think of Cinderella. And she wore a glass slipper. And glass slippers must be slippery. If I wore one, I’d probably take a tumble. Oh GOSH! I just realized that the Dow probably took a plunge today thanks to global worries!”
“Please, producers, give me something to do in here. At least let me watch my DVD box set of Grace Under Fire.”
“Baby girl, is that you? It’s Momma! I can’t wait to get out of here and go slaughter some wild boars with you, BRO!”
“I MISS MY GOLD BOND MEDICATED POWDER SO MUCH!”
“Whoa. This door totally startled me, BRO.”
“FINALLY FREE! All I’ve been doing is sitting her scratchy my BALLS, BRO.”
“We have a zombie in this house, and his name is Brendon. I now implore all of you to drive this metaphor into the ground, much like a zombie post-decapitation.”
“Daniele may think I’m a zombie, but guess what? You can’t kill a zombie!!! Unless you decapitate me, but I’m really tall; so that’ll be pretty hard for her. So in conclusion: me = zombie; Daniele = short.”
“I am going to destroy that zombie, even if I have to climb a footstool and chop off his head myself. Heck, I would do that even if he weren’t a zombie.”
“Ain’t no zombie killer coming between me and MY undead fiancé!!”
“Zombies need hugs too. And brains.”
“ZOMBIES GRAB YOUR HUMAN VICTIMS!!!”
“I really like Rob Zombie. Does that count?”
What did you think about last night’s show?