BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Zingbot Returns, Calls Shelly a Dude

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The Zingbot 3000 made its triumphant return to the Big Brother house last night, and maybe it was just me, but he was even more brutal than last year. The caustic robot made fun of Jeff’s soul patch, Porsche’s ass, Dani’s daddy insecurities, Shelly’s manliness, and much more. I was a little surprised — in a good way.

As excellent as it was to have the Zingbot back, I felt like something else overshadowed the episode in a bad way. It’s time to have an intervention with the producers. Here goes:

We know you feed the guests lines. Please stop.

Look, we’re not idiots. We can tell when a line has been scripted. Maybe you’ve been doing this all along, and it’s worked out just fine, but this current cast is so TERRIBLE at reciting their lines that it’s actually distracting. It’s like watching a high school attempt at a Christopher Guest movie. Not good. I totally understand that in the Diary Room, some of these people might ramble and as a result, the producers have to consolidate their words into a TV-friendly soundbyte, but I’d much rather go back to the days of “Frankenbytes” because at least even if the rhythm were messed up, the inflection still sounded authentic. Nowadays, with Jeff cracking a half-smile with everyone one of his lines and Daniele lilting her voice and shrugging her shoulders for the camera, it all just feels ridiculous. I’m totally distracted, and I’m sure everyone else is too. So please, Alison Grodner & Company, ease up on the lines. These people are not good enough actors to pull it off.

Ugh. After all that ranting, I’m not sure I have the energy for an analysis. Here’s the important stuff: Jeff won the veto, and despite his deal with Daniele to keep her safe, he still put her on the block after having removed Porsche. Now Kalia and her bestie face an uncertain fate tonight, and I imagine it’ll be Daniele heading home. Rachel and Jordan will vote to oust her, which means Daniele would need to get Shelly, Adam, and Porsche on her side. Unlikely. But then again, you never know….

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“Gash, I really hate the floaters. We really need to get them out.”

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“Uh… yeah. Definitely. Thankfully, I’m not one of them. No, Shelly and I are DEFINITELY not floaters within YOUR VERY OWN ALLIANCE.”

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“I wonder how Daniele will feel when she discovered I flavored her slop with POISON.”

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“Hey Daniele, bet you didn’t know this, but under this sweatshirt I’m wearing a mermaid costume.”

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“If this is a cookie, I’m eating it.”

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Shelly: “Damn, this tutu makes me look like a chick.”

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Shelly: “You know, this isn’t the first time my face has been up a tutu.”

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“I’m going to win the veto, even though I am objectively a terrible competitor. I am, however, a wonderful Legends Ball organizer.”

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“I know I just got here, but damn I GOTS to go to the bathroom! BRB.”

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“I am here to kill you.”
“Hahahaha, we love you too Zingbot!”
“No, seriously. I have orders to destroy you all.”
“LOLOLLOL. Too funny!!!!”
“GODDAMMIT, FEAR ME!”
“Zing, lolz!!!!”

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“Zingbot requires hors d’oeuvres. Perhaps crudites.”
Rachel: “ZING!!!”
“No, that wasn’t a zing. It’s part of my contractual obligation.”
Jordan: “Hahaha, zing!”
“No. I have a rider. I’m not trying to be funny. My robot agent specifically requested a tray of cauliflower and celery.”
Rachel: “ZING!! You totally got me.”
“Again, not a zing.”
Jordan: “ZING!”
“No, just because I say ‘zing,’ doesn’t make it a zing.”
“ZING!”
“Jesus.”

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“Before I start, do you guys have any Smartwater? I just can’t do tap anymore. Not even Brita.”
“ZING!!!!”
“No, seriously. I have a very sensitive throat.”
“Oh Zingbot, you just zinged your throat. ZING!”
“Are you people all idiots, or is this what mankind has become?”
“What do you mean?”
“That was actually a zing.”
“ZING!!!”
“No, not that…. forget it.”

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“Hey Jeff, West Hollywood called. They want all your tank tops back. ZZZZIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!”
“I don’t get it.”
“Yeah, that wasn’t really funny.”
“Be funnier, Zingbot.”
“YOU PEOPLE.”

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Zingbot: “You know, I’m aware that you all find me very funny, but I actually have a very accomplished career in drama that stems back to the Steppenwolf Theatre Company in Chicago and–“
Jeff: “Go Bears! Packers suck! ZZZIING!!”
Zingbot: “Ugh.”

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“Hahahahahaa!!! I need to be named after a car with a bigger trunk! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I don’t get it.”

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“If you’d just indulge me, I’d like to recite a favourite monologue of mine from the timeless masterpiece, Long Day’s Journey Into Night.”
“ZING!!!!”
“No. No you do NOT zing Mr. Eugene O’Neill!”

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“ZINGBOTS GRAB YOUR SENSE OF SARCASM AND BRUTAL TRUTHS!”

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“I can’t believe the Zingbot made fun of me. IT’S NOT FAY-ERRRRR!!! It’s SOOOO frustrating!!!”

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“Zingbot can lick my balls for all I care, BRO.”

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“I like building robots. It makes me think of science, and science is, like, really hard. I think the only thing harder is being an Olympian. You have to, like, train for years. That’s a long time. When I was little, I waited a long time for the New Kids on the Block to come out with a new tape. No one buys tapes anymore. Tapes make me think about CDs. And CDs make me think of MP3s. And that makes me think of my iPod. And OMG! I bet Steve Jobs just resigned as the CEO of Apple!”

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“Don’t mind me, Daniele. I’m just looking for an Oreo I left somewhere in these sheets.”

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“I wonder what trolleys are made of.”

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“If I go over to the cabinet and get a glass, will everyone see that I’m in fact a LUXURIOUS VIP waitress? WHICH I’M NOT.”

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“Congrats, Porsche. You’re safe.”
“Thanks Jeff!!!”
“Okay, settle down Kimberly Drummond.”

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“Damn, I’m super tired, BRO.”

What did you think about the episode?

13 replies on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Zingbot Returns, Calls Shelly a Dude”

  1. OMG with the feeding of lines!!!

    Every time Dani or Jeff or Shelly are in the DR, I want to vomit.

    1. It was so bad. I haven’t watched Big Brother since Jeff and Jordan’s original season and last night was the first time I’ve tuned in and it was very noticable. Not one thing they said in their diary sessions sounded authentic.

      Rachel looked absolutely horrible last night. Does she always look that bad?

    1. I really think Shelly is transgender. Have you seen that adams apple? She walks like a man and never has a period. And a boob job. Josie could be adopted.

  2. OMG I loved it when Porshe kept referring to herself as a threat. LOL. That poor girl is clueless but she’s definitely good for a laugh.

  3. So on point with the DR acting, I actually think Porshe is the worst actress of them all, but they are all really bad. Really really bad.

    I was hoping Daniele could pull this one out, if only so Rachel and Brendon don’t get the satisfaction of seeing her out right after getting Brendon evicted. Something about their unhappiness bring me so much joy and unfortunately vice versa.

  4. I can not wait to see Shelly get what’s coming to her. And for Dani to be gone, her whining is hard to watch.

  5. Ugh. I am so over Dani. I used to like her but she’s acting so petty right now it’s not even funny. I love how she’s getting the “nice girl” edit by CBS, meanwhile she’s been the biggest bitch all week long. She’s running around telling people that her friends in Production are going to quit if she gets evicted, hiding everyone’s stuff, talking shit about everyone, she’s such a little snot! Telling Adam that Dick will hate him if he doesn’t vote to keep her was the icing on the cake. Not one fuck is given on Adam’s part about that either, which I find to be hilarious.

  6. I kept focusing on how the Zingbot’s skinny legs. I enjoyed the zings, but my eyes were drawn to his (?) form.

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