Oh lucky us: we the TV viewers nabbed two episodes of Jersey Shore this week, and guess what? They all centered around the perpetual drama swirling around Ronnie and Sammi. For some reason I thought maybe, just maybe the two idiots wouldn’t knock boots again, but I should have known better / remembered the previews for the season. Yes, the lovebirds managed to enjoy all of about 36 hours in reunited bliss before all hell broke out in Florence. At the end of the day, tears were shed, roses trashed, and ambulances summoned.
Warning: epically long Sam & Ronnie dissection after the jump….
Let’s address the medical emergency first. For months we’d heard rumors that Ronnie had knocked out Sitch, and when the previews for the season showed the two of them foaming at the mouth followed by Mike lying blank-eyed on the floor followed then by footage of him being carted off in an ambulance, it was only natural to assume we were about to witness the world’s greatest brawl. However, this was misdirection at its finest. Don’t get me wrong: there was brawling — lots of it. But Ronnie never knocked the lights out of The Situation. Nope, the silly mook did it to himself. In a display of his rage and toughness, Mike inexplicably banged his head against a cement wall, sending him crumpling down to the floor like a cartoon. He did rise soon after to participate in the fisticuffs, but he later wound up heading to the hospital where the docs diagnosed him with a concussion and a neck sprain. Cut to The Situation wearing a neck brace and all of America snickering. What goes around comes around (although, I did feel genuinely bad for the guy when he was left alone crying in the villa. But again… what goes around comes around).
So why, pray tell, did this brawl erupt? Well, it had to do with Ronnie and Sammi — shocking. Here’s the back story:
They’re idiots. They’re toxically attracted to each other. They’re toxically repelled by each other. The end.
Okay, there’s more than that. Coming into this week, it was apparent that Sammi still had feelings for the guy. Her biggest tell: always saying, “I still have feelings for the guy.” Sammi’s problem (and Ronnie’s too) is that despite all the proclamations of independence and renewal, she still refuses to let go of the past, usually in the form of lilting phrases like “I’ll always love him.” And I’ll always vomit.
Well, since Sammi’s favorite pastime is to TAWK, she and Ronnie took in a lunch over the Florence skyline and TAWKED about their relationship. They both agreed that they missed each other. They both agreed that they had changed. And they both agreed to give “it” another shot.
Each one of them earns one idiot point for thinking they had changed.
Then came this week.
All was well in Rammi world. Ronnie was all romantic ‘n’ stuff and bought his goyle some dresses and a purse and took her out to dinner and such. What a gentleman. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he was also flying his piece of ass Hannah from LAWNGUYLAND out to Florence but hadn’t alerted Sammi yet. But that’s okay. Ronnie has really changed.
One idiot point to Sammi for thinking her goon had changed. One idiot point to Ronnie for already getting himself into a totally avoidable mess.
One bonus idiot point to Ronnie for shrugging off the Hannah predicament when had the roles been reversed (think Sammi and Arvind last season), he would have flipped his lid.
Ronnie 3, Sammi 2.
Anyway, blah blah blah — other stuff in the house happened (the kids began work at the pizzeria, Deena and Pauly had a tiff, Snooki chatted with her boyfriend on the phone about Mike’s rumors). Next thing we knew, the gang was out at Da Club, and all seemed well, but then we remembered that there was booze present, and that’s sort of like the water to Ron and Sam’s flower of AWFULNESS.
Ronnie, of course, got wasted and wound up on some platform doing his signature dance, which resembles something between karate, the lawnmower, and a cat kneading someone’s stomach. Needless to say, he’s not what I’d call grace incarnate. As it happened, there was a girl — possibly of the plus-sized variety — dancing adjacent to Ronnie, but this was nothing to be concerned about because a) he was literally several feet above her, and b) she was definitely not his type — see the aside about her plus-sized frame.
None of this mattered to Sammi, who plastered on her best 45-year-old-angry-secretary face and charged over to her man to start a fight.
5 idiot points for Sammi: 1 for jealousy, 1 for being a drunken mess, 1 for acting the exact way you claimed you no longer did, 1 for ruining your own damn fun, and 1 for being too insecure to act like a normal human being.
Sammi 7, Ronnie 3.
Well, Ronnie didn’t want to have anything to do with Sammi’s bullshit; so he marched off, which was the right thing to do. I’m tempted to deduct a point from Ronnie’s idiot point tally, but I think the better course of action is to just add the point on to Sammi instead.
Sammi 8, Ronnie 3.
Also, bonus awesome point goes to Pauly D for later pointing at Ronnie and saying, “That’s what happens when you do steroids.” Truer words never spoken, my friend.
Now any smart person knows that when a juicehead is fuming, the last thing you do is poke at it, and yet that’s what Sammi did by following him around the house and asking, “Ron, can we TAWK? Ron, can we TAWK?” I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t want to slap her at that moment quite frankly. Idiot point to Sammi for not dropping it.
Sammi 9, Ronnie 3.
Finally, when Sammi managed to corner Ronnie, he barked back that Sammi should leave him the EFF alone. It was just the sort of hostile response Sammi wanted and needed as it allowed her to then take the moral high ground. “Don’t talk to me like I’m two years old,” she berated, one spindly finger pointing in the air. Now Sammi had twisted this into a situation where she was being disrespected because Ronnie didn’t want to entertain her jealous and irrational conversation.
Sammi 10, Ronnie 3.
Even worse, Sammi didn’t have the self-respect to get up and leave, instead lingering around Ronnie and climbing into his bed.
Sammi 11, Ronnie 3.
“So we’re not friends anymore,” Sammie then said passive-aggressively, again trying to make it seem like Ronnie was being the irrational asshole in the situation.
Sammi 12, Ronnie 3.
And then things got really hairy. Sammi revealed that The Situation had told her that Ronnie was bragging about bringing girls back to the house. You’d think that Ronnie would just own up to it and remind this wench that he was single at the time (+1 idiot point), but instead, Ronnie’s Hulk-like rage refocused on The Situation. And then the brawl happened. Ronnie began going ballistic — tossing Mike’s bed out of the room, cursing, and all but beating his chest like Donkey Kong. Violence ain’t cool, yo. Two idiot points for that.
Sammi 12, Ronnie 6.
Well, soon the boys starting going at it. Mike, pushed to utter frustration by Ronnie and Sammi, began literally foaming at the mouth, and in his attempts to intimidate his rival, bonked his head into the aforementioned wall.
Sammi 12, Ronnie 6, Mike 15.
Eventually, two massive gentlemen who somewhat resembled Grizz and Dotcom from 30 Rock interceded, and after all the girls had shed many tears and Mike had gone to the hospital, it seemed as if order had finally been restored to the house. In the wake of the fight, Ronnie went about apologizing to his bros, giving Vinnie one or two noisy Grandma kisses that sounded not unlike a suction cup being plucked off a window.
With tempers calmed, it was time to head back into passive-aggressive territory. Sammi decided to return all the nice gifts Ronnie had bestowed on her. She claimed this was her way of asserting independence. We claim that it’s merely her way of getting a reaction (because if Ronnie doesn’t notice her, what good is she????).
Sammi 13, Ronnie 6.
Rather than just ignore this stupid gesture, Ronnie, however, took all the returned items and tossed them in the garbage. Adding fuel to the fire…
Sammi 13, Ronnie 7.
What??? NOT THE DIAMOND EARRINGS!!! Cut to Sammi scavenging through the TRASH to salvage the items she claimed she no longer wanted. One point for not committing to her plan, one point for desperation.
Sammi 15, Ronnie 7.
Later, the guys all went out to a club, and Ronnie had the option to bring home a lady friend, but he was clearly too scared of Sammi’s wrath. Instead, he decided he was going to be the “bigger person” and bring back… roses for Sammi? Two idiot points for sending mixed messages.
Sammi 15, Ronnie 9.
Ah wait, but these roses weren’t apology roses. They were to show that Ronnie respected Sammi’s feelings so much that he brought her roses instead of a girl home. So… basically they were flowers borne out of passive-aggression. One idiot point for being mean, one idiot point for having awful logic.
Sammi 15, Ronnie 11.
I truly feared that Sammi would see the roses and fall for Ronnie all over again, but I was pleasantly surprised to see her reject them and all their mixed messages. One non-idiot point for her, which translates to an idiot point for Ronnie.
Sammi 15, Ronnie 12.
In the end, Ronnie wound up tossing the roses in the trash, accusing Sammi of not appreciating his gesture. It was such a manipulative, mean-spirited moment that for a second, we could almost see why Sammi has kept crawling back. Three idiots points: one for being manipulative, one for preying on Sammi’s low self-esteem, and one for not leaving well-enough alone.
Sammi 15, Ronnie 15.
And then the episode ended. D’oh! Tie. WILL THIS EVER BE RESOLVED?
“Sam, if you don’t want to discuss Keynesian economics, then I don’t know what we’re doing in this relationship.”
“Hello, I’d like to speak with the Pope. Will you ask him if he’d like to smush with Snookers?”
Snooki: “It’s like we’re at the Kentucky friggin’ Derby.”
Deena: “Ew. I hate KFC.”
“Skim damage? Why would I have skin damage?”
Deena: “I feel like everything is different now. I used to think I was a walking holiday, but now I’m more like a stumbling Tuesday.”
“Attention: if you want STDs on your pizza, come inside.”
J-WOWW: “Hey Ron, what’s the deal with Hannah.”
“If you’re referring to the seminal Woody Allen film Hannah & Her Sisters, then I’d say the deal is that it’s MARVELOUS.”
“Oh RON. You treat me so nice. I feel like the luckiest forty-three year old in here.”
“Vinny, while you no looking, I will lick your ear very lightly.”
“Whattya mean my shirt looks like it has Jenga pieces on it?”
The Situation: “Hey guys, just remember that at the end of the day, you two love each other. Now excuse me while I do what America collectively wishes to do to itself: bang my head into a wall.”
What did you think about the episodes? Team Ron or Team Sam?