Our favorite gelled up, boob-inflated mooks from Seaside Heights returned late last week with the rousing season premiere of Jersey Shore. This time, the gang headed East to the motherland, Italy, for some back-to-roots boozing and bacchanalia. I wasn’t sure how the rather refined locale of Florence would work on this decidedly low-market show, but so far, it seems to be okay. I mean, I prefer to see the Guidos in their own element, but given that MTV needs to film these kids during the beach off-season, Italy seems like at the very least a fascinating experiment.
Nothing really happened in this first episode. There was some manufactured drama between the boys and the girls over who would arrive at the house first. Spoiler alert: the boys did. After about twenty minutes of watching these fools travel across the world and through Italy, they did manage to all settle in, which meant then it was time to drink. The gang did some shots of warm limoncello, and the season finally began.
What ensued were little snippets of life, as usual. Snooki has become a little exercise machine, doing aggressive situps like a chihuahua on crack. Ronnie and Sammi are going through the motions of being “Just Friends,” but of course, that will never last because a) Sammi still uses her favorite line, “I still got feelings for the guy. But everything is cool with us now,” and b) the two idiots are sharing a room together, with Ronnie even anticipating some drunken smushing in the near indeterminate future. Clearly we are due for a repeat of seasons 1 – 3.
In other news, a puffier, less-toned Situation has developed a convenient crush on Snooki, who just so happens to have a legitimate boyfriend these days. I question — in fact, everyone questions — the motives behind these new feelings. Does Mike really like Snookers? Or is he just manufacturing drama? I vote for column B. I also vote that MTV ends this story line, which I can already tell I hate.
Also suffering from a not-so-hidden crush was Deena, who all but demanded that Pauly D make out with her at a club. Since he was either drunk, blind, or suffering from serious jetlag, he obliged, and the two proceeded to engage in some highly visible, highly nauseating tongue gymnastics. Look, if they want to kiss, that’s fine. But at least connect the lips. I don’t need to see those tongues undulating around like two snails having sex.
And on that note…
“Oh my gawd, what jerkoff put these in my luggage?”
Ronnie: “Hey Vinnie, where does it tell me how to say, ‘You’ll shut the fuck up, bitch, or else I’ll punch your teeth in!!!!'”
“Why on Earth did I pack a whole bag of pickles?”
“I guess maybe I shouldn’t have taken those three shots of tequila on the jetway.”
“I miss you.”
“We’re just friends now.”
Snooki: “YECH. That limoncello tasted like a guy just put it in me and then put it in my mouth, you know?”
Dina: “So… how’ve you been?”
“Pretty good. Just gaining weight.”
Snooki: “Hey Vinny, I never realized how much your taint looks like The Situation’s face.”
Ronnie: “Yo bro, I can’t wait to get back into a co-dependent and abusive relationship with Sam.”
“Right on, man.”
Pauly D: “There are no tanning salons ANYWHERE. ANYWHERE!!!!!”
“You like this, Snooks?”
“Mike, you smell like cigarettes and cat food.”
“Pauly, I want you take me home and kiss my sideburns.”
“Oh, is that slang for vagina?”
“No. Sideburns. I literally have sideburns.”
What did you think about the premiere?