SPOILER ALERT: Ronnie and Sammi are back together! That’s right: reality TV’s most dysfunctional, unlikable, and messy couple has reunited for the umpteenth time, despite previous proclamations of proud singlehood and steadfast independence. I can’t say I was terribly surprised by these developments on Jersey Shore. After all, Sammi is too decimated in the self-esteem department to move on, and Ronnie… well, I don’t know why Ronnie keeps going back to Sammi. I guess you can chalk it up to love. Or at least co-dependency. Or how about this: outright idiocy.
We knew these two were destined to get back together the moment Sammi announced that she was in a better place in her life. This was her code for saying, “I feel like I am strong enough and confident enough to embark on another adventure with Ronnie, and THIS time, I won’t put up with his bullshit.” Lies, obviously. What this nimwit needs to realize is that what drives the violence in her relationship with Ronnie are deep psychological trouble spots within both of them, and nothing will improve until they each get at least two years of solid therapy.
But if you were to ask Sammi, it only takes a week to profoundly change as a human being — hence her disastrous attempt to reunite with Ronnie last season after seven days of separation (she felt his daily gift of a flower bouquet proved he had become a new man). Truth is, these two dingbats need a Dr. Phil intervention, which is not something I often request, but let’s face it: the middling reunion hosts are not the best at cornering Sammi and Ronnie with their own flaws in logic.
Aside from Sammi and Ronnie, we had quite the bit of dramz this episode. First and foremost, we had Deena, who seems to be on the prowl for a “Lean Cuisine,” which is clearly not a reference to her dinner plans. “Lean Cuisine” is what Deena calls a skinny Italian boy, and she indeed found one in some cute waiter at a cafe. For whatever reason, he seemed to be into Deena and met her later on at a club where the two got hot and heavy on the dance floor. When Deena later brought him back home to snuggle, Vinny and Pauly D happily mocked her like two little brothers needling their big sis. It was pretty obnoxious of them, but it wasn’t anything that would have derailed the evening. No, that came courtesy of Deena, who marched out of her bedroom and started up with a yelling match in the kitchen. It’s no wonder that Giuseppe or whatever his name wanted to bolt. Deena, however, managed to lull him back into bed with her where he stayed until she was fast asleep. Then it was tiptoes and creaky floorboards as the guy snuck out of the compound. All that was missing was some Looney Tunes “sneakin’ around” music in the background. I was really hoping the lights would all go off and we’d only see his eyeballs looking to and fro.
Well, don’t feel too bad for Deena. She definitely got some ass later. Turns out this blonde trollop that Mike had been banging had a twin sister, and they had a penchant for showing up, well, EVERYWHERE. Mike had two options: run away before a bunny wound up in his stock pot… or angle for a threeway! Option B it was! At least until Deena swooped in and began making out with one of the twins. It didn’t make any sense, but it was fun; so I was on board.
Later, Deena brought the girl back to her bed, but the moment Deena stepped away, the girl bounced over to Vinny’s bed and began making out with her. I should note that the girl was a total mess. She eventually fell drunkenly out of Vinny’s bed without any pants on in a display that would surely make her parents proud. Nevertheless, when Deena saw her ladyfriend in Vinny’s bed, she yanked her out and brought her back to her twin mattress of seduction… only to be freaked out by the entire sapphic endeavor. She graciously pardoned the girl and permitted her to return to Vinny’s domain where further canoodling ensued.
As for Mike, he wasn’t gettin’ down with his girl because he was in the midst of a huge fight in the kitchen. You see, Ronnie decided it was time to pay back Mike for all the times he had snitched on him. Ronnie told J-WOWW and Sammi that Mike had divulged that he had hooked up with Snooki while she was dating Gianni. Of course, J-WOWW immediately informed Snooki of this development, and soon Snooks and Sitch were fighting loudly in a classic he-said, she-said argument.
Snooki ultimately retired to a corner of the house where she could panic and cry while Mike informed Ronnie that he was VERY disappointed in him. Ronnie, however, was more than happy to see Mike feel the heat. I sort of empathized, but when Ronnie noted that he was just obeying Mike’s version of “Guy Code,” I actually objected. Technically, Mike had confided in Ronnie, and Ronnie had betrayed the confidence. In the past, Ronnie had never confided in Mike. He had merely acted in boorish and obnoxious ways that deserved to have been called out. So in fact, there is a subtle difference, and thus I remain on Team Mike (in this very specific situation at least, but not in his claims against Snooki. Also, I hate this storyline. And also also, I can’t believe I’m academically breaking this down. I have problems).
Snooki: “So, did you read Michiko Kakutani’s latest piece?”
Ronnie: “Please, Snooki. I have no patience for her quixotic whims.”
Deena: “Hey, you. If I told you my breath smells like sardines in the morning, would that turn you on?”
“She’s a-very a-nice. Like a puffy ravioli!”
“Mike, eww. I feel like I just got kissed by a football in a hoodie.”
“Hahahahaha Deena’s got a man. Hahahahahahaa.”
“Let’s make out, bro.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“YOU ALL BETTER SHUT UP! IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS IF I USE MARINARA SAUCE FOR MOUTHWASH!”
“Okay, which one of yous wants an STD first?”
Ronnie: “You are the sexiest 45 year old I’ve ever dated.”
“Sammi and I are back together.”
“Yeah. Can’t wait to call her a whore and destroy her belongings.”
Girl: “Gosh, Situation, you sure are shorter than I remember. And your six-pack feels like a beanbag from Target. But instead of beans, it feels like it’s filled with raw chicken cutlets.”
“I’m not lying, Snooki. We hooked up. Where else did you think you got those herpes?”
Snooki: “I’m so sad.”
J-WOWW: “What’s wrawng?”
“I miss my box set of Gimme A Break. Nell Carter was a genius. [sniff sniff]“
What did you think about this episode?