The emotions were high on last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, which saw Teresa and her brother face yet another obstacle in their attempt to rebuild their friendship. The shocking developments came fast and furious, leading up to the most gasp-inducing moment of all: Milania dropping her nasty little ass on a bunch of salads in a supermarket. As if that weren’t bad enough, Teresa then gave her a high-five for good behavior. If this is what passes for “Fabulicious,” consider my Amazon purchase cancelled.
When Teresa wasn’t ignoring her Devil spawn daughter, she was busy pouring herself into furry coats that looked like rejects from a Fraggle Rock convention. Garish getups are nothing new for Teresa though, and she happily strutted around in one fuchsia number as if she’d just been named to the cover of Vogue by Anna Wintour herself.
Anyway, Teresa had another book signing, and this time, she actually invited her little brother Joey to come. He happily accepted the invitation, but no sooner had he said yes than Joe Giuidice was texting him all sorts of obnoxious, threatening things. I believe there was talk about beating up Joe Gorga so bad he’d need his jaw wired shut. Yes, classy all around — and even classier was a later glimpse at Joe Guidice’s phone, which has Joe Gorga’s contact listed simply as “Faggot.” Not only is this obviously offensive, it’s also a massively hideous way to treat his wife’s brother.
Understandably, Joe Gorga was so put off by his brother-in-law’s texts that he contemplated skipping the signing altogether, but Melissa encouraged him to be the bigger person and attend anyway. And that’s just what he did… albeit in a very late fashion. Apparently the Gorga family lacks an appreciation for time management.
Nevertheless, Melissa and Joe showed up at the very, very end of Teresa’s signing, but Teresa was still touched, and as she wrote “I love you more than anything in this world” in his copy of Skinny Italian, I actually found it to be quite emotional watching her choke up. For the first time all season, I actually empathized with Teresa when she expressed sadness that Joe didn’t just give her a big, warm hug.
Ah, but there was a reason for the lack of hug. Joe was still pissed about his brother-in-law, rightfully so. He demanded that Teresa tell Juicy Joe to stop threatening him, and rather than do the right thing, Teresa blindly defended her husband, saying that he was merely upset because Joe and Melissa had never attended any other signings. This caused Melissa to repeat her favorite line of the night: “See, if you invite us, we COME!” It was such a nagging, passive-aggressive comment that it made me want to shove that stupid hat of hers over her head. Look, I really like Melissa, but she does have this tendency to passive-aggressively needle others. Bitch, you gotta stop with that so I can defend you!
Anyway, Teresa returned home after the signing to find Joe totally drunk and making a fool of himself. He caused Gia to cry when he attempted a gymnastics move and accidentally bashed his head into the floor, chipping a tooth in the process. This marked the second time on Sunday that a mook from New Jersey had managed to knock himself out (the first being The Situation on Jersey Shore earlier in the evening).
Eventually Joe settled down at the table and began ranting about his brother-in-law, clarifying that he didn’t want to offend “faggots” but that Joe Gorga was a “faggot.” Not offensive at all! He also rambled angrily about how Joe Gorga had jealousy issues stemming from his short stature and claimed that all along, it was lil’ Gorga who had caused the rift with Teresa (thanks in part to his “fake wife”). It was a total, awful, sloppy mess, and I really did feel bad for the Gorga siblings who have been pit against each other by not just their parents, but their spouses. Oy.
Elsewhere on the show, the Manzo boys began working at Uncle Chris’s new company, titled New Star. It’s a company that does… stuff? I’m not sure what they’re doing, but apparently they’re now going to be hawking a black-colored water called BLK. I dunno. Doesn’t really make sense, but I sense better business prospects than FACE by Lauren Manzo.
Meanwhile, Kathy celebrated her husband Rich’s birthday by inviting a bunch of people out for bellydancing and hookah fun. Our favorite supporting character Rosie made a triumphant return to catcall at the dancers and toss dollar bills their way. Fingers crossed that Rosie gets to go to Punta Cana.
Enough babbling though. On to the photocap:
“Okay, I gotta a great idea. Let’s do a coffee table book about turds that look like famous world leaders.”
“Damn, Alexa Ray Joel will be so impressed with this.”
“Hey, look at this goomba, ayy? I haven’t been so excited to see people since the time those helicopters rescued me off Jurassic Park.”
“I dedicate this toast to my lovely wife Kathy as well as the good scientists who died at the jaws of the Tyrannosaurus Rex.”
“I need to smoke the hookah to calm me. I still have nightmares of velociraptors charging after me.”
“ALEXA RAY JOEL IS COMING????? Oh. You were joking. Not cool.”
“I don’t like this hookah. And why is everyone staring at me? I’M ON DISPLAY ON DISPLAY!!!”
“Wow. I feel so dizzy and lightheaded. I can barely form a thought. This must be how Ashley feels every day.”
“This is the strangest thermometer I’ve ever used.”
“TAKE OFF YOUR TOPS!!!”
“Hey Dad, there’s a velociraptor!!! Just kidding.”
“Geez, you nearly gave me a heart attack.”
“If you dare make another joke about that angel Alexa Ray Joel, I will pull your spine out of your body.”
“Please be honest with me: is my hair not as square today?”
“Check out my coat. I call it the Furry Jellyfish.”
“I may be a housewife, but I’m also a government assassin.”
“Well, I’m off to Los Angeles. I already got a modeling gig at the Del Taco on Rosemead!”
“Mommy, can I have a pre-made salad before my exorcism?”
“We want to sell black water. We think it’ll be very marketable. I mean, who has bad associations with BLACK WATER. It’s not like it makes you think of IRAQ or FALLUJEH or something like that.”
“Black water, you say? I can sell black water. And I know the perfect spokeswoman for it. Her name rhymes with Shmalexa Shmay Shmoel.”
“I’d like everyone to know that I skinned Grimace from McDonalds to make this coat.”
“You really are something else, Teresa. I outta take one of these giant stuffed bananas behind me and jam it down your throat.”
“Dear Joey, I wrote this as small as possible. Love, your ONLY sister.”
“Hurry up, Teresa. I need to go rob a bodega.”
“You said Joe’s been threatening you? So?”
“He said he wants to kill me.”
“He loves you. He’s just playing.”
“He called me a ‘faggot.’”
“C’mon. Joe loves the gay people. IT’S THOSE JEWS he can’t stand.”
“I’d like to interrupt to nag for a moment.”
“Okay, so nag.”
“Just want to point out that when you invite us to come, WE COME.”
“Okay, I gotta go drive a gettaway van for some thugs down in Lodi. Bye, sis.”
Juicy Joe: “Hey check it out. This is how I drive a car.”
“So… did anyone else just get shagged in the back room of POSCHE?”
“I’m so drunk I just chipped my tooth. Haha. LET’S GO DRIVE CARS.”
“And then the car FLIPPED just like this. It was crazy. Luckily I was too drunk to remember how scary it was. I mean, I got drunk afterwards. Yeah… yeah… I would never drive drunk. I don’t make stupid decisions like that when I’m drinking. Hey, where’s my tooth?”
“Hey, why didn’t I get no invites to the GLAAD awards this year?”
What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on Joe Giudice’s behavior? Who is more of a toxic presence: Melissa or Juicy Joe?