The confetti has fallen. The seats have emptied. The house has been cleared out. Big Brother 13 is over, and another season is behind us. It’s taken me a day to get around to this photocap — not because I’m curled up in a ball of sadness, but because in the wake of the finale, I realized I simply needed a day to rebound from thirteen intense weeks of Big Brother. When Julie signed off for the last time, it was like my brain quietly signed off also. My mental ability to think, write, or talk about Big Brother ceased to exist. We spend a lot of energy on this show, and when it ends, it feels good to just… release.
Oh, but how could one truly release when there was so much good stuff on display? There was Adam hilariously thinking he could have ever won this game. There was Porsche wearing what appeared to be a tablecloth from a Boca Raton yard sale. There was Chenbot stumbling over every fifth word. And there was Rachel, decked out like a mermaid waitress, ready to earn her place in Big Brother history.
What more can be really said about the finale? I sure as hell can’t think of anything (although I’m sure there’s plenty to discuss). Consider this blogger officially tapped out. One last lengthy photocap after the jump…
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’m RAVISHING.”
“It’s day seventy-five in the Big Brother house, and what the house guests don’t know is that none of the plants behind me… ARE REAL.”
“I really need to hang on. Gotta make it to the final two, at which point I will unanimously win this game based on my strong presence and unforgettable gameplay.”
“I think I’m going to yak. This is worse than that time when I got high on Pixie Sticks and spent half an hour going ’round on a swivel chair. Haha, that was fun.”
Suddenly and without warning, Rachel reveals her hidden skill: transforming into a stoic, Asian football player.
“I miss life on the other side of this pool.”
“I wonder if I have a big, nasty dress to wear on finale night…”
“Little do people realize that I’m secretly a VIP Waitress… AT A MERMAID BAR UNDERWATER.”
“Well, time to go outside and be terrible at a competition again.”
“This dunk tank is much like the one I’ll be installing in my garage with the $500,000 I’ll clearly be winning on account of my superior gameplay.”
“Who needs goggles? What do they do — make you see things underwater? I mean, COME ON!”
“Congratulations, Porsche. You beat Adam. Of course, that’s like congratulating Usain Bolt for outrunning a baby.”
“Oh my gosh. I’m totally having a Carrie walk-of-shame moment.”
“Ladies, as we sit here contemplating the fates of the finalists, I can’t help but wonder: is love out on jury duty? Or is the jury out on love?”
“I don’t know how many times I have to say it: I played my own game. I played for no one… well, no one aside from my good friend Mr. John TravOLLLLLLTAAAAAAA!!!!!”
“It’s time to weigh the pros and the cons, BRO.”
“SHIT. I forgot to put baby powder in my jock, BRO!”
“I just realized something!! Being on this jury made me think of court. And that made me think of Night Court. And that made me think of that guy Bull. And Bull made me think of cows. And cows made me think of milk. And milk reminded me of chocolate milk. And that’s sort of like hot cocoa. And I always drink hot cocoa in the winter. And winter made me think of January. And that’s when I realized: January Jones totally had her baby today!!”
“No one’s hugged me in five weeks.”
“And no one wants to juice oranges with me.”
🙁
“Hey BROS. I just want to remind you both that I’m only in one alliance, and that’s with Josie and–“
“WE GET IT.”
“FLOATERS GRAB SECOND PLACE!!!!”
Porsche: “I finally learned where the shoulder is. It’s right… HERE!”
“Oh my God!! How do I bounce around without my boobs falling out?”
“Rachel, I want you to pick me because this dress is so hideous and unflattering, it just demands more screen time.”
“Rachel, I also want you to know that I’m wearing sweats under this dress.”
“Rachel, all season long you’ve said you didn’t want a floater to get to the end. Well… here I am!”
“Barnacles are funny.”
Chenbot: “Rachel, I NEED AN ANSWER.”
“Okay, okay. Um, well, first let me say that as someone who’s had a target on her back since day one, this has been an uphill battle. But I have consistently won HOH, and after Brendon left, I revised my game to play the social game, which was necessary because ever since day one, I’ve had a target on my back. This has been an uphill battle for me, but I have consistently won HOH—“
“Please stop.”
“ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!! METAL FOREVER!!! I’M SO HARDCORE that I just have to apologize for saying anything mean to you Porsche just now. Kthanx!!!”
“ALERT: The application ‘CHENBOT’ encountered an error on line 282 ‘C:\ shakehands()’. Operation ‘hug()’ cannot be completed. Please close all browser windows and try again. -9647”
“You know, if I’d made it to the final two, I would have won this whole game.”
“Ehhhh I’m not so sure about that.”
“Oh definitely, I would have. My gameplay was excellent.”
“Nnnnnyyeaah I wouldn’t say that.”
“Really? Why not?”
“You weren’t the best at competitions.”
“I held my own.”
“Yeah… no, you didn’t. You really didn’t.”
“I won the Otev thing.”
“Adam, you sucked.”
“C://ERROR: Unexpected object in vision path. Commencing shut down. (-5678).”
“Ha ha ha ha ha I KILL YOU.”
“C://ERROR 404: Teleprompter not found.”
“Wait a second… all this time… have I been on Big Brother?”
“I just want to say that my biggest game move has been wearing this dress. Takes balls, huh?”
“This is so exciting. We’re gonna have a winner. That rhymes with spinner. And that makes me think of a top. And the opposite of top is bottom. And the bottom is like the floor. And floors make me think of dancing. And dancing makes me think of clubs. And clubs have, like, DJs. And that makes me think of DJ Tanner. She was on that show Full House. And that makes me think of poker. And poker makes me think of men all sitting around. And that makes me think of football. And football reminds me of nachos. And I love nachos supreme. OH WOW. I BET THE SUPREME COURT ORDERED A STAY OF EXECUTION FOR AN INMATE IN TEXAS!!!”
“I just want America to know that while my daughter might destroy every alliance I build, she can do NOTHING to this beautiful, feathered hair.”
“I’m sorry. I’m at the wrong taping. I thought this was a BAFTA celebration of me, Keira Knightley.”
“Oh crap. I just pooped a little. Thought it was a fart, BRO.”
Porsche: “I hope I win!”
Rachel: “And I hope I don’t have to give my ‘target’ speech again… but I will because I’VE HAD A TARGET ON ME SINCE DAY ONE.”
Tragedy befalls the telecast when at the most crucial moment, the Chenbot powers down.
“Personality contest. Good one, Daniele.”
“Bitch.”
“OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE I WON!!!!”
“And I’m a VIP Waitress! WHOOO! Feels good to let that out!!!”
“I CAN’T BREATHE!! OMG OMG OMG!!! Wait, you’re a VIP waitress? That’s awfully luxurious of you.”
“OH MY GOD. MY HANDS SMELL SO GOOD!!!”
“AINT NO SECRET VIP WAITRESS GETTING BETWEEN ME AND MY MONEY!!”
“Booki! I won!”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Congratulations, BRO.”
“WHOOOOOO-WEEEE!!! You won!! That’s CAH-RAY-ZEE!!!!”
“And you! And you! And you! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE MEEEEEEEE!!!”
Thanks to all the support from Jokers Updates! Don’t wait until next summer to come back. I cover other shows!
What did you think about the finale? Was it what you were looking for? Happy with the results?
Holy crap, this was the funniest one yet! Oh, and Adam is an embarassment to metalheads everywhere.
I totally agree! The funniest one for the whole season. 🙂 Congratulations Rachel…Best wishes to you and Brendon with your upcoming nuptials. Congratulations Jeff on your 2nd America’s Choice win! Also, best wishes to you and Jordan.
Gonna miss the BB stuff, B… why can’t it be a rotating year-round thing like golf??? :(((
Very funny recap!!! As always, your Chenbot commentary is hysterical!
Loved the recap. Especially the emoticon under Brandon’s sad face. The person I feel the sorriest for is Evel Dick. Poor guy got saddled with a daughter who has turned into a vile pull-string version of a person. All she can seem to say is “shocker”.
But I was glad that Rachel won. If Porsche had won wearing that god-awful muu-muu, I don’t know what I would have done. I still can’t get that awful image out of my head.
Glad Rachel won. Danielle was a poor sport with the unnecessary bitch comment. I did not really dislike Adam until that last show. He’s a legend in his own mind. Hated the “roaring.” Hated how he seemed to turn into a different person from the moment he gave his speech to try to convince Rachel to take him to the final 2. Suddenly he’s Mr. Aggressive. Then he really went bizarre on poor Julie.
As Rachel said last season when she caught Britney trying on her hair extensions: HIL-ARIOUS!
Best finale ever. Though I wish you had capped an image of Daniele’s bitter, bitter face.
The end of BB made me feel like I was in Bizarro world. Rachel and Brendon actually became likeable (Brendon as the mayor of Jurytown, Rachel actually became rational). Danielle became completely UNlikeable (Bitter, party of 1) and pretty delusional about her level of gameplay. And Adam actually thought he deserved to win the game (but love that he got in 1 more flip-flop at the end by voting for Porsche). Gotta say, this turned into one of my favorite seasons. Of course, I am completely prepared to hate Brendon & Rachel once again should they come back for All Stars, but at least we won’t have to hear that dreaded word “FIANCE” again – somehow “husband” and “wife” is a little less irritating.
Such a great photo-cap! Esp. the interaction between Adam and Julie about him winning…hahahaaaa, yeah right Adam. And Brendon’s sad face emoticon killed me.
Overall, I thought it was a much better season than last, but very confusing, as I never thought I’d end up rooting for Rachel. Weird.
P.S. It’s so difficult to stifle my giggles when reading these around other people 😉
Adam moved more in the few minutes after he was evicted than he did the entire summer in the house. He is no All Star – he isn’t even a Mostly Star.
Porsche got so big she could not longer fit in the track suits so she had to make a dress from the shower curtain.
Rachel deserved the win more than anyone this season. She completely changed after Brendon left and became human.
Dani’s calling Rachel the biggest floater in the game was the funniest thing all night. Only in Dani’s world can pajama parties, trashing people, letting Porsche spike other people’s muscle milk and stealing stuff just to fuck with them is ‘cool’. 100%. She girl makes her (disgusting) dad look good.
hb
I was a fan of Daniele, and even I had a ‘girl, please’ moment when she called Rachel a floater. Love her or hate her, Rachel was anything but a floater.
Chenbot + syntax errors = Happy Hicks
Another great photo cap, Ben.
I wish they’d stop talking about another All Stars show. I want to hate on new people!
Great photocap. Jordan’s are my favorite.
I, like a lot of people, am happy Rachel won and more surprised than anything that I was rooting for her to win. After last summer? Who’d a thunk it!
Adam was delusional, Danielle bitter, Kalia weird, Shelly shocked me with her vote, and Jeff as adorable as ever.
Why in the world was Dom, Lawon, and Keith invited? They didn’t utter a word.
I was kinda hoping that Rachel’s crying bush might have made a return for the Photo recap to congratulate her and demand a cut.
In the end I was glad to see Rachel get the win and glad she was able to show us a side of her that was not like everything we had seen for 2 seasons up to the point that Brendon left (the 2nd time).
Thank-you B-Side (Ben) for another fun recap this BB Season. Your blog is part of what makes for the overall Big Brother experience!
Thank you for this and all the recaps. I stopped watching BB a while back and found this to be a much more enjoyable way to follow along.
TMZ says Brendon and Rachel will get married this weekend! Rachel! Run with your money!
Bsideblog FTW!!
Oh, I’m going to miss these. I love the Julie Chen hits. Like almost everyone else, I really was rooting for Rachel. She was way more likable once Brendon was gone. That marriage is going to be a nightmare. But I do wish them the best. B-Side – I hope you do Survivor this season!
I was glad Rachel won too. She killed on the competitions. Danielle is a poor sport. I feel like the reason she did so poor was because her usual M O involves having a guy at her side to scheme and flirt with. That is how she got so far on her first season. Once Dom was gone, it was all downhill for her.
Did anyone catch the talk show with Julie Chen the next day? Zingbot was on and Rachel had to compete in a game against Sarah G. Rachel ended up winning her honeymoon trip by tying with Sarah. Graciously Sarah gave the trip over to Rachel. Of course Brenden was there too.
Thanks for all the great Big Brother recaps! Great job!
Congrats to Rachel! We all made fun of her at some point, but this was a very well-deserved win!
Bside I have to ask this very important question now that the season is over. Do you start the Jordan photocaps by working backwords? Or is it vice-versa?
Don’t know how I will be able to live without them.
anto