I haven’t posted about the Jersey Shore kids in a few weeks, but I can assure you that you’ve missed nothing. Sure, there was a car accident, and sure there were sapphic moments aplenty, but all in all, this season has been a little dull. I think it’s time to send this bunch of hooligans back to Jersey; I can’t imagine that Italy would complain. Over the past two weeks alone, these kids have been so embarrassing that I’m sure right now the Italians are saying, “You know, that Amanda Knox ain’t so bad.”
At the center of all the boozy activity has been Snooki. Two episodes ago, she and Deena went on a brutal bender that had them falling into bushes, dancing out of their britches, flashing their vags, and crawling into bed together for some “Lez-be-honest” activity, as Pauly D would say. They were a total mess, and I couldn’t fault the rest of the cast for being fed up with them. Side note: amidst this drunkenness, I did enjoy Pauly D taking a moment to observe that Ronnie always tries to steal his shtick (swagger jacking, or “swacking”). I’ve noticed this for a while now, and I wondered if I had been the only one. Apparently not. Reason #347 why Ronnie sucks.
Anyway, with Snooki’s drunken bender behind her, she decided to enjoy a brief afternoon of sobriety. She climbed into a Fiat with Deena and prompted crashed it right into a cop car. Oops. We then had to wait an entire week to learn her fate: a slap on the wrist, a suspended license, and a few hours of paperwork. So in other words, our second major letdown of the season (after The Situation’s self-imposed concussion).
Well, with Nicole officially out of the driver’s seat, this meant she could drink with abandon, and what better reason to get sloppy than to celebrate the arrival of your boyfriend? Yes, the infamous Jianni finally arrived in Florence, and after he and Snooki smushed, the whole gang decided to go out dancing. Rampant drunkenness ensued, and before we knew it, Snooki was writhing about in the bar, flashing her beaver to every guido and meatball in sight. This understandably annoyed Jianni; although, we lose sympathy for him given that he should have realized what he was getting himself into (and I mean that in the most literal, Snooki-vag way possible). Nevertheless, Jianni got into a huff and stormed out of the club, causing everyone to chase after him. Snooki became a total, weeping mess, and let me tell you something: her sobs are about as pleasant to listen to as a thousand finger nails going down a chalk board. Lucky us that we got to endure this for HALF AN HOUR OF AIR TIME. Sobbing, whining, sobbing, whining — this became our unlucky life. I suppose me complaining about Snooki’s voice is about as useless as Jianni requesting ladylike behavior. Should have known better.
Making matters more annoying was J-WOWW, who took it on herself to run through the city of Florence yelling “JIANNI!!!!” If there was ever a way to make Italy seem unromantic, this was it. I don’t really know why J-WOWW was on this wild-goose chase, especially when it was clear that Jianni — the little punk that he is — was never going to respond to his name. At one point Ronnie found the kid and tried to talk some sense into him, but nothing worked. Luckily though, Jianni came to realize that wandering around Florence was not the most effective use of his passive-aggression. He eventually returned to the house, grabbed his luggage, and headed off to the airport. Keep in mind that he had arrived six hours before. Snooki may be a mess, but this kid is an idiot.
Will Snooki be able to win back her man? And will we care if she does? I’m going to guess no on both fronts.
“Let’s go to the beach for some SCH.”
“Sun. Crabs. Herpes.”
“I’ll just say it: I don’t like pudding.”
“Hey Ron. RAAAAHN. Did you tawk to this mannequin? Ansah MMEH. ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HAH? ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HAH???”
One of many cameos by Snooki’s bush this season.
Insert Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to Be An American” here.
Sammi: “Isn’t it exciting that we’re all judges on Florence’s Next Top Wine Keg?”
“Where did Team Meatball go?”
“I dunno. Just follow the trail of vomit and urine.”
“This is fun.”
“Yeah. You taste like linguine.”
“And you taste like veal parmesan.”
Deena: “STOP THE CAR!!! IT’S A REHAB FACILITY!!”
“So when does this thing splooge all over my face already?”
“I still miss Oprah.”
Snooki: “Check this bitch out. You know there’s a problem when I’m only the second biggest mess in the room.”
Jianni: “I love you Nicole, even though you’re a WHORE! I’m leaving now.”
Situation: “Yo, that centerpiece on the coffee table looks at me one more time, I’m going to throw it against the wall. And by ‘it’ I mean ‘my head.'”
Situation: “I’ll just say it: I love prunes, dude.”
“JIANNI! JIANNI!!! Look at my VAG-JIANNI!!!!”
“Snooki, you are a mess! And now I have to go scream ‘JIANNI!!’ all over the city!”
“BUT I WANT TO SCREAM ‘JIANNI!'”
“Fine. We’ll both do it.”
Ronnie: “For the love of God, bro, turn around. I don’t think I can listen to those girls screaming ‘JIANNI’ one more time.”
Deena: “Maybe if I pet her, she’ll be quiet.”
Deena: “Okay, let’s knock the bitch out.”
Vinny: “If I put it in you, will you shut up?”
“[sniffle sniffle] maybe.”
Sammi: “Oh my gawd. I never realized this is what it’s like with me and RAAAAHHN. I’m so sawry.”
“You never realized, Sam? Do you not own a TV?”
“I do, but you have to remember that I’m not a very smart woman.”
“I’m not staying here. I’m going somewhere I’ll be revered and respected: Munchkin Land.”
This has nothing to do with Jersey Shore, but it’s infinitely more entertaining than the last episode.
What did you think about the latest episodes?