RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: Announcing the Rachel Zoe Collection

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High drama in the world of The Rachel Zoe Project. Our star headed to New York to debut her collection to the media and buyers, and the stakes could not have been higher. We knew this because Rachel reminded us about this every two seconds. In fact, just when we thought she’d passed one hurdle with the highest stakes ever (ie. a Women’s Wear Daily review) she then had to face yet another challenge with the highest. stakes. ever.

The good news is that Rachel emerged unscathed, and the even better news for her was that she reconnected with her favorite gay hanger-on, Joey, who had apparently moved to New York City since last season. Well, without Brad hanging around, Rachel needed a new main gay, and Jeremiah was simply too new to earn the coveted role. Let the negotiations begin!

First Rodger took Joey out to dinner and pleaded with him to return to LA and be Rachel’s main gay. Then Rachel’s sister got in on the persuasion. They offered money, cars, friendship — anything to sway Joey. Of course he said yes — as if that would ever be a question. Rodger probably could have offered him a pistachio and three bobby pins and Joey would have said yes. Nevertheless, by the end of the episode, Rachel had impressed the fashionistas and filled her gay slot.

As for Jeremiah, looks like he’s going to be on the receiving end of Joey’s territorial smirks and remarks. Should be an interesting turf war…


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“Oh my God. I can’t believe that after this trip, I literally won’t be flying anymore. Like, I’m grounded. LITERALLY, the FAA is SHUTTING. ME. DOWN.”

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“Joey, you are my precious jewel.”
“Am I your favorite gay?”
“You are my most favorite gay.”
“More than Brad?”
“More than Brad.”
“More than Jeremiah?”
“More than Jeremiah.”
“More than Rodger?”
“Unclear.”

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Joey: “Oh my God, we look like we’re in Reservoir Dogs, except instead of robbing a bank, we’re SHOPPING.”

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Rachel: “Oh my God. I just walked into a room.”
Joey: “You totally just walked in.”
“I, like, LITERALLY was outside of the room, and now I’m in.”
“You totally transitioned.”
“It’s, like, two spaces. How did I do that?”
“I think you just used the door.”
“Oh my God. I die. I love the door. Doors are so on trend right now.”
“I love doors too.”
“I want to style the door. I want the door to have a moment on the red carpet.”
“I think it’s overdue.”
“Nothing would make me happier than to see the door head to toe in Givenchy.”
“Wow.”
“Like, literally, I love me a Givenchy door.”

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“Oh my God. I love this dress.”
Jeremiah: “It’s amazing.”
“Wait, who are you?”
“I’m your new assistant.”
“Oh.”
“I’m Jeremiah. Like the bullfrog.”
“You’re a bullfrog?”
“No. It was a joke.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Ribbit.”
“Huh?”
“Ribbit. I’m talking to you in your language.”
“Oh, I’m not actually a frog.”
“So what’s the deal with Miss Piggy. Are you guys still an item?”
“I’m not dating Miss Piggy.”
“I love her style — easy, casual, Parisian pig who follows trends but is a little all over the place.”
“Yeah, I guess?”
“Fozzie is my precious jewel.”
“Um, you know we’re talking about Muppets here, yes?”
“Jeremiah?”
“Yeah?”
“Ribbit.”
“I… I can’t do this.”
“Jeremiah.”
“Please don’t say ribbit again.”
“Ribbit.”

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“Rachel, you did NOT get a new gay who’s cuter than me!!!”

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“Joey, will you please come back to LA? Everyone misses you, and quite frankly, I need my wife to talk to someone aside from me.”

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“I don’t know, Rodger. I get more gigs out here in New York.”

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“Oh well. I guess you won’t be a Bravolebrity.”

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“OHMIGODILLDOIT OFCOURSEILLDOIT ANDYCOHENTOLDMETOSTRINGYOUALONG.”

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“So. You like red sweaters over black and white stripes too, I see.”

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“Bitch, you think you can step into my territory? Zoe is MINE.”

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“Whatever. My hair is taller than yours.”

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“Gurl, that’s because you style it with the semen of all the guys you blew to get where you are.”

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“That was a reach.”

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“Gurl, like the reacharound you gave Andy Cohen to get on TV?”

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“I… I don’t understand what this is about.”

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“Bitch, I’ve been slaving away for four years to get where I’m at. Day in, day out, it’s the same thing: wake up in the morning and slap another coat of spackle on Rachel’s face. It’s like trying to make a pumpkin look like tangerine.”

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“I’m not sure that makes sense.”

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“The point is, Brad is gone. This is MY moment. I’m the #1 gay around here; so get your admittedly very cute ass out of here.”

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“I’m not trying to take your moment.”

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“Oh sure. You think I believe that, gurl?”

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“There’s no reason not to.”

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“Let me tell you what’s going to happen. You’re going to throw yourself in front of the F Train, I tell people you were saving an old lady, and then we go our separate ways — me to Los Angeles, you to a coma.”

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“I’m not on board.”

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“Well, I’m not going back to being the random gay who just does Rachel’s hair. Do you know how hard it is to please a client who wants to look like The Ring version of Goldilocks?”

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“Let me tell you something, Joey.”

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“Gurl, I am ALL ears.”

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“No matter what you say or what you do, I have abs.”

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“Gurl, you think that intimidates me?”

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“I have abs.”

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“I’m not impressed.”

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“I have abs.”

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“Guuuuurl–”

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“I… have abs.”

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“Fine. You win.”

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Rachel: “Oh my God. I’m so nervous. Mandana, I’m nervous.”
Mandana: “Everything is going great.”
“I’m, like, Carrie Clueless right now.”
“Just breathe.”
“I am breathing. Was I not breathing?”
“You were.”
“Oh my God. I’ve stopped breathing. Did I die?”
“No, you’re alive.”
“I’m a ghost.”
“You’re not a ghost!”
“This is a GHOSTSASTER. Are we all ghosts? Is this a ghost presentation?”
“No.”
“Oh my God. This ghost collection is shutting it down. I can’t wait to show it to Ghost Wear Daily.”
“That doesn’t even exist.”
“Mandana?”
“Yes?”
“You are my precious ghost jewel.”

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Joe Zee: “I hope you like this photo. We wanted it to be larger, but Olivia Palermo ordered the wrong size. We blamed Erin Kaplan for it internally though.”

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“Pammy, I feel like I have an alien inside me.”
“No… that’s your son!”
“I feel like Martians LITERALLY showed up in the middle of the night and stuck an alien in me.”
“That’s absurd.”
“Where did the aliens come from?”
“There are no aliens.”
“Do you think they travel in saucers? And are the saucers Missoni for Target?”
“I don’t think so.”
“I love me an alien in Missoni.”
“I don’t think aliens wear Missoni.”
“They should. Classic zig-zags. I want to take my alien baby to his first Missoni show.”
“Your baby isn’t an alien.”
“LITERALLY, he is green and looks like a Snork.”
“Rachel, that’s not true.”
“He will only respond to the name Crowlax. Literally, I have to learn his language.”
“You are speaking nonsense.”
“Pammy?”
“What?”
“Do you think my baby might be Superman?”
“No.”
“Pammy?”
“What?”
“How do I register for an alien baby?”
“The way you would for any baby, I guess.”
“Pammy?”
“WHAT?”
“Don’t let Sigourney Weaver see my baby.”
“Why not?”
“She will try to kill it.”
“No, she won’t.”
“Also, you absolutely cannot tell the following people about my baby: Brad, Tay, and the Ochmoneks next door.”
“The Ochmoneks? Those are fictional characters from ALF.”
“They can’t take my alien baby.”
“They won’t.”
“Crowlax will destroy them with his laser tongue. The last thing I need are murder charges against my baby. I have to style Annie for the Oscars.”
“I guarantee it won’t happen.”
“I feel sick. I need to throw up.”
“Please don’t.”
“Alien fetuses are ba-na-nas.”

What did you think about last night’s show?

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6 thoughts on “RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: Announcing the Rachel Zoe Collection

  1. I understand the recap better than I understand the banter on the show.

    Thanks for several LOL moments. e.g. Crowlax…ha ha he he hee hee chuckle snort.

  2. Ok, I hafta give props to my first snort-the-coffee-out-my-nose phrase before reading on: “…fill her gay slot” is BA-NA-NAS.

  3. i think the designer door thing has some merit, especially for someone my size for whom rachel will never produce any clothes that fit . . . maybe i could get a designer front door!

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