The long and wonderful season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey came to an end this week, but not without one last dose of drama. And this wasn’t just any drama. This was BOOK drama — the kind these Jersey girls specialize in. This time around, the offending author was Teresa, whose cook book Fabulicious had just hit stores. In it, she takes cheap shots at Caroline, Christopher Manzo, and others — all under the guise of it being a “joke.” Maybe conversationally such jabs could pass as humor, but in a cook book? Not really. And thus Teresa committed the biggest sin of all: she crossed Mama Bear, and hell hath no fury like an angry Caroline.
The best part of this cookbook drama is that clearly the producers were no expecting it. Just reading in between the lines, it seemed as though the series was intended to end with Teresa, her brother, and Kathy making up and then the whole gang convening for Melissa’s debut performance. After all, how else to explain the presence of every single supporting character (minus Kim G — boooo!) at that Jersey club on the penultimate episode. Every Housewives fan knows that the season always culminates in some event or bash that draws all the faces from the past season. Nevertheless, the happy ending was not meant to be. Teresa’s book came out, and blood was drawn anew. Personally, I find her digs against Caroline to be the least offensive part of the book (I’d say the photography is a bit more stomach churning).
Anyway, it looks like this will all be grist for the reunion mill, which will happily destroy the fragile Gorga family once again after having spent an entire season carefully mending it. Gotta love reality TV.
As for the rest of the finale, we saw one last glimpse of Ashley, who apparently now has changed her name to Ashlee for no clear reason. She continues to be a disaster, regardless of the number of vowels she crams into her name.
Alas, I must be off to lunch; so let’s just get to the photocap:
“But I don’t waaaannnna get an exorcism!”
“I’m glad you called me over, Jacqueline. I’m all about scaring kids straight. The last thing I’d want would be for them to turn out like me: someone who willingly wears this stupid shirt.”
“Oh wait, you want me to fix Ashley? No can do, sisteroo.”
“Hey guys. I was thinking of changing my name from Ashley to Ashlee. I just want people to take me less seriously ‘n’ stuff.”
“Wow. She is REALLY beyond redemption.”
“The problem with Ashley is that she’s just a spoiled idiot.”
“I’m right here.”
“Oh, hi! We were just talking about how you’re a spoiled idiot.”
“Maybe we should buy her a new car?”
“Hey, Mr. Wakile!”
“Touch my fucking daughter, and I’ll knock your teeth out. I’ve stared down a T-Rex before. I’m not scared of you, punk.”
“Here I am! What do you think??”
“Wow… I never realized we painted that whole wall mustard yellow.”
“This a-little girl: she’s a-weak, like my son.”
“So what do you think? I put crude oil in my hair. You like?”
“So when do we take off our clothes?”
“I think Milania poisoned me!”
Kathy: “My heart is so full of love right now. LET’S DO IT.”
“Isn’t it great that everyone’s getting along at last? I wonder how I can RUIN IT.”
Caroline: “Hey kids. So glad you’re back for lunch. I was a little afraid I wouldn’t see you for a full twenty-four hours.”
“Teresa took a shot at me in her cookbook? Are you sure it was me and not Bonnie Franklin?”
“Oh it was definitely you, bitch.”
“Hey look. Teresa wrote about Caroline.”
“Teresa can write?”
“Teresa didn’t even mention my new single, “On Display,” which I am every single day, every day!!!”
“I WILL STOMP YOU TO DEATH, SISTER!”
“But I’m not even your real sister!”
“I DON’T CARE. DIE!”
“Teresa says we’re about as Italian as the Olive Garden. What a bitch. In response, I shall hold her book like this and DESTROY HER BINDING. MWAHAHAHA!”
“I bet Alexa Ray Joel would never write such mean things.”
“People, it was a JOKE! Like Melissa’s singing career!”
What did you think about the finale?