Bravo aired the second part of its Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special last night, and it was more or less the same stuff we saw last week: ceaseless Teresa bashing with an occasional moment of levity (ie. Caroline scratching her ass, which was actually just more Teresa bashing). Don’t get me wrong: I LOVED it. Teresa Giudice is a delusional woman whose defensiveness and thickheaded perceptions are so stultifying that these confrontations feel nothing short of cathartic. Here is a woman who cannot take responsibility for any of her or her husband’s actions, even when faced directly with her own contradictions and poor choices. Simultaneously, Teresa will take any opportunity to cast herself in a heroic light, such as when she turned Victoria Wakile’s brain tumor into an example of her own ability to grow as a person and not sweat the small stuff. Bravo (pun intended) to Andy for immediately rattling off a list of petty Teresa moments, including — of course — Spinklegate. But Teresa still managed to justify her actions by saying she had been driven to a point of frustration by her sister-in-law. Hence the cookie drama.
Ah, but how does one get driven to the point of chucking sprinkle cookies when one allegedly doesn’t sweat the small stuff? Yet another mystery that perhaps only Teresa can answer for us.
Andy Cohen was rather tough on Teresa, and I commend him for it. He called her out for improperly using the word “distant” as a verb, and he took her to task for her husband using the word “faggot” repeatedly. Teresa, of course, stonewalled (pun intended!) him, saying that she had lots and LOTS of gay friends, and they love the gays blah blah blah. Andy wasn’t convinced. No one was, really. Indeed, Teresa brushed it all off the way everyone pretty much expected to. Instead of apologizing for being offensive, she merely said she would talk to her husband about it. More shocking, however, was her lack of denial at Melissa’s suggestions that Joe also freely uses another bad word. We can’t be certain what word Melissa was referencing, but I couldn’t help thinking it started with the letter n. And that leads me to call Joe the p-word. As in, “putz.”
During this hour, we also spent some time learning vaguely about Caroline’s rift with sister Dina. I’m still not sure what happened, but it sounds as if Teresa got into Dina’s ear and convinced her that Caroline wasn’t supportive of her career. I can’t imagine that such gripes would lead to a major family rift, but apparently, the sisters are no longer talking to each other, which is rather sad. Teresa did manage to make Caroline look like a slight fool when she alleged that Caroline, who is all about family, wasn’t talking with half her siblings. Caroline shot back that this was a lie and that she is in fact on speaking terms with EIGHT out of the TEN siblings, thank you very much. Call me crazy, but I don’t think an 80% track record is something to brag about.
Meanwhile, in other news, with Jacquline not present at the reunion, I was a little afraid we wouldn’t get to bash Ashley (or Ashlee). But fear not: Andy still asked away about the troublemaker / aspiring model / swallow enthusiast, and all the women seemed to agree that she was a disaster. Even Caroline bashed the little brat, which was quite satisfying for me. Kathy, meanwhile, had the most charming and unintentionally passive-aggressive response as she talked about feeling bad that every scene with Ashley would be juxtaposed with footage of Kathy with her perfect family. It’s funny because it’s true.
Anyway, there was other stuff, but it all focused on Teresa being awful. The sad thing is that she probably watched the episode last night and thought she came off great. Awful. I’m riled up. Time for the photocap.
“Dolphin Tale 3D was a beautiful film, AND YOU KNOW IT!”
“Is it me, or is Teresa, like, the biggest idiot we’ve ever had on this show?”
“I think it might be time to distant myself from these women.”
“Wow, Caroline. That is some ring. It’s gonna leave quite a mark when you inevitably punch Teresa in the face.”
Caroline: “This is a very emotional moment for me.”
Andy: “Hold on a sec… I know I left Kelly Ripa’s coffee mug back here somewhere.”
Kathy: “I love family.”
Teresa: “Yeah, well, I love it too. Why you gotta make a whole thing about it, KATH?”
“I’m just sayin…”
“Yeah, sayin what? I can say too. You’re not the only one who knows how to say words.”
“I didn’t say that you couldn’t say words.”
“Whatever, KATH. I’m over you. Totally not unducated.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“Whatever, KATH. You got raccoon eyes.”
“I didn’t say nothing.”
Melissa: “Let’s be honest. We all know Joe Giudice’s dick is this big.”
“Hey mom, let me just cover up some of the FOAM on your lips.”
FACE by Lauren Manzo.
“It’s so wonderful that my daughter Victoria turned out so well. Although, the other day she left an empty carton of milk in the fridge. That was a real mess-up, or as we call that in our household ‘A Major Ashley.’”
“I like this Kathy. She knows how to raise her kids right. I can’t believe I was ever mean to her. Gosh, I really Ashley’d that.”
“You know, I don’t know why everyone’s getting mad that Joe uses the F-word. We have lots of gay friendses. They love us. That makes it not offensive.”
“Yeah, it’s still offensive.”
“Joe, he’s not unducated. He don’t know.”
“Yyyyeah, but he got flack for this two years ago; so in a way, he is educated about the matter.”
“I don’t know. I don’t really sweat the small stuff, Andy.”
“I don’t think this qualifies as small stuff.”
“And you DO! YOU DO SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!”
“Yeah, well, of course I’m gonna get mad if you buy the same glass cleaner as me. Why does everyone have to copy me?”
“IT’S WINDEX. EVERYONE USES IT.”
“Yeah. Everyone uses it once they sees me using it.”
“She’s an idiot. There’s no filling in that cannoli head of hers.”
Melissa: “Seriously. You are an idiot. Look at the dumb expression on your face.”
FACE by Lauren Manzo.
“So, Teresa, do you maybe want to apologize for your husband’s behavior?”
“I’m trying to think — what did he do wrong again?”
“He casually made multiple homosexual slurs.”
“Oh, that’s just the way he jokes. That’s just his style.”
“I’m starting to realize It’s reeeeally hard to appreciate Teresa’s idiocy unless you’re right up here next to her.”
What did you think about the reunion? Will Teresa every change her ways?