REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ REUNION PHOTOCAP: Teresa Faces The Fire

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Here’s a fun fact that my friend jash filled me in on: the character of “Boo” from Super Mario Bros. is actually called “Teresa” in Japan. It sort of makes sense if you think about it. After all, Teresa Giudice bears many similarities to that pixelated fiend. They’re both evil, they both have fangs, and they both cover their eyes when faced with reality (which in the case of the Nintendo game is represented by Mario’s mustachioed face). The point is this: if I’m in a dark castle, I don’t know which I’d be more scared of encountering — Teresa or a ghost named Teresa.

Yes, Teresa is a scary creature, and we were able to catch a glimpse of her frightening perceptions of reality last night on the reunion for The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The entire show played out as an extended us-against-Teresa bonanza, and as such, I enjoyed it thoroughly. I’ve never been shy about my distaste for Tre, but for two seasons, her stupidity had been out-crazied by the likes of Danielle Staub. Now with Public Enemy #1 out of Franklin Lakes, the spotlight has fallen on Teresa, and it seems like everyone is finally realizing what I’ve known all along: Teresa is awful. Oh look at me taking credit for being the first to realize this. How TRE of me.

Anyway, with the season over (the longest in the history of any Housewives franchise), Andy Cohen gathered most of the cast in Redbank, NJ to hash things out. Missing was Jacqueline, who apparently had just engaged in an epic blowout with Teresa the night before during taping for season four. She was so distraught that she simply could not appear on the reunion. Talk about clever marketing for next season.

After the jump, check out a photocap of the reunion, which more or less amounted to a lynching of Teresa. Of course, if you were to hear it from Teresa, she’d probably say that she came out on top…


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Andy: “Thank you ladies for coming today. I know we’re going to have a wonderful day.”

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“Yeah, not with that piece of garbage sitting in front of me.”

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“Oh, real nice Caroline.”

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Andy: “Now hold on a second. Things between you two ladies are pretty bad right now. Is this because of the cookbook?”

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“I am reluctant to use the term ‘cookbook’ as that would imply the presence of edible recipes and coherent writing.”

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“Oh God. It was a joke! I wrote jokes!”

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“I’ll tell you what’s a joke. Your recipes. Here’s one: ‘Take some tomatoes and cook ‘em and stuff and then just put some of that — what’s it called, you know, THE STUFF — put that in there and, like, cook it.’”

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“That’s a great recipe.”

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“Please. I could find better Italian food at Panda Express.”

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“And you should know that Panda Express got into business after they saw me cooking on the show.”

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“Teresa, what are you talking about??”

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Teresa: “See? Look at you copying me. I had my hands up and then you put your hands up.”

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“Teresa, my hands were up first.”

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“Oh. Really. Now she says her hands were up first. What’s next? She says she got a small forehead?”

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Kathy: “That was a dig.”
Teresa: “Who invited you on here anyways, KATH?”
“Andy did.”
“OH sure, KATH. Only after I announced I’d be going on the reunion first.”

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“I feel like I’m getting dumber and dumber with every minute.”

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“All of yous need to remember that I’m pretty smart.”

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“I…I can’t.”

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Andy: “Melissa, why don’t you tell us about your new song?”

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“Oh, it’s so good! I’m living my dream, THANK YOU JESUS!”

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“Yeah, it’s a nice song. I don’t really like it, but all my Jewish friends do.”

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“And what do you mean by that?”

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“Everyone is so sensitive! I love the Jews and their banks!”

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“I think a hundred cells in my brain just died. She’s like human marijuana.”

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“Okay, what I meant to say is that I have a Jewish friend, and she likes bad music. Like most Jews do. That’s all.”

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“Teresa, do you understand anything?”

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“If you were a good sister-in-law, you would teach me things.”

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Kathy: “Don’t you dare imply that she’s a bad sister-in-law. I’d make her a thousand cannolis made of cannolis if I could.”

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“Teresa doesn’t even know what a cannoli is. She thinks it’s a can made of ravioli.”

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“I mean, of course I know what cannoli is.”

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Andy: “Teresa, what is a cannoli?”
“I mean, it’s a legal matter; so I can’t really get into it.”

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“Why are we even bothering with Teresa? She’ll be in jail one of these days anyway.”

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“Uh, hello. I haven’t broken any laws.”

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“We all know you disposed of the transient hobo that Milania killed.”

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“What’s a hobo?”

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“Don’t play dumb. Your daughter killed a man. And she also tried to burn down the Brownstone.”

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“And she tried to strangle our dog.”

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“And she tried to break my cannoli made of cannolis with a hammer.”

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“You are all lying.”

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Andy: “Ladies, Milania is a wonderful girl. But to be fair, she did stab my agent in the knee with a fork.”

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“Hey Teresa, maybe you should stop buying your kids gifts. Maybe then they won’t be so spoiled and awful.”

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“Okay, the only thing I bought them was a $200 car that they used for, like, a few hours.”

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“No, you bought Gia an iPod Touch and an iPhone.”

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“Well, yeah, of course I got her a Touch. How could I not?”

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“YOU SAY NO.”

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“Plus, we all know Gia has the iPhone too.”

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“Well, yeah. So?”

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“YOU SAID YOU ONLY GAVE HER AN IPOD.”

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“THAT DAY. I only gave her one thing that day instead of two!!!!”

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“And when did you give her the iPhone?”

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“The next day. So???”

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Andy: “Is it possible that you and Joe don’t handle your finances very well?”

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“Oh God. Do you believe this? Joe is a great business man.”

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“If he’s so great, how come he’s always up to his ears with fraud charges?”

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“What is fraud anyway? Does that mean you’ve been a good financial planner? Because if that’s the case, that would explain why Joe is always talking about all the fraud he’s up to.”

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“Listen, TRE, don’t you think something is fishy with your husband? He has an excuse for everything: drunk driving, driving without a license, fraud, bankruptcy, bankruptcy fraud. Normal people don’t get these charges leveled against them all the time.”

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“Maybe it’s because I’m such a good blower.”

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“What are you talking about??”

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“I blow him so good that he can’t focus on making good decisions because he’s just thinking of me being a good blower. Hey Joe. JOE!! JOE ARE YOU THERE?? AREN’T I A GOOD BLOWER???”

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“This makes me want to vomit.”

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“I was vomiting first, so way to be original.”

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“Here she goes again.”

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“I’m just saying that I was the first one to vomit, and I’m happy that it inspired you ladies to vomit too. That’s all.”

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“You are not the first woman to ever vomit.”

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“No, I am.”

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“You lie.”

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“What? You’re gonna believe Monster Forehead over there instead of me?”

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“You insulted my son.”

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“No. You have no proof.”

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“You wrote, ‘My children are wholesome, unlike Caroline’s middle child, whose name I shall not mention but it rhymes with Wistopher.’”

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“But I didn’t mention his name! I don’t see what the big deal is. It was a joke! Like, haha. Maybe if you came to my comedy show, you would know I like to make jokes.”

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“We weren’t invited to your comedy show. Your own brother — not even invited!!”

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“You should have been a good wife and broke into my house and found my personal calendar and looked to see that I had a comedy show and then gone back to Joe and told him. Your fault.”

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“Or you could just TELL him yourself!”

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“I… I don’t get it.”

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“She doesn’t get anything.”

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“Oh shut up Caroline. I get a lot of things. Although, I’m still a little confused on when you should use ‘you’ or ‘yous.’”

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“Never.”

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“She lies. She wants me to look stupid by not using ‘yous.’”

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Andy: “Caroline, shhhhh! Don’t tell her she’s not speaking English. We have a contest going on at the Bravo Clubhouse where we guess how long before she actually decides to look up the proper usage of ‘yous’ in a Dictionary. My money is on never.”

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“Dictionary? Is that like a Jew book?”

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“Shame on you, Teresa, for being so dumb.”
“Who the hell asked you, KATH?”
“Uh, no one, I guess. But if there’s anything I learned about the plight of the Na’vi people, it’s that you can’t stand by silently while–”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, KATH. We get it.”

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“I need some Maalox.”

What did you think about the reunion?

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22 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ REUNION PHOTOCAP: Teresa Faces The Fire

  1. Ugh, I wrote some lomgwinded analytical comment about the season and how the source of the rift was the brawl in punta cana caused directly bc of Theres, and why wont they talk about, and my iPad ate it!
    In more exciting news, bravotv has a Milania Giudice Top 10 Moments video. Remember hen everyone thought Gia was the star?

  2. It’s all about Milania. Everyone knows that! She’s a star. I hope you’re all following @thefauxmilaniag on Twitter. Hi-freakin-larious!
    B-side, u nailed it once again. Tre is the ultimate Sucklord. Kinda like that guy on Work of Art but waaay more sucky.

  3. Lucky for tre, breathing is a reflex and nothing she actually has to think about doing, because she only has enough brain cells to power a pissant around the inside of a cheerio for one lap.

  4. Fabulous re-cap, B-side, as always!

    This is already ranking as one of the best reunions. I can’t stand Teresa and I’m so glad that without Danielle stealing all of the crazy attention, the spotlight finally moved to focus on one of my least favorite housewives (Ok, maybe my least favorite). It’s about damn time!

    I can’t wait for Part II!

  5. Carolyn cracked me up. She isn’t letting Teresa off of anything, and it’s about time. The woman is truly a nutcase and refuses to take responsibility for anything…..including the truth when it smacks her upside the head. As Carolyn says….it’s a whirlwind of stupidity.

    Has anyone seen pics of Teresa when she was a child? She and Milania look like clones. In fact, Teresa acts just like an older version of Milania, including the out of control temper tantrums.

  6. I don’t know, I don’t think everyone is realizing Teresa is awful. I think Andy, Bravo, the Manzos and their hangers-on are making her look sympathetic by ganging up on her. I didn’t like Teresa at all during the first two seasons of the show, but I have come to like her a lot better than the others on the show – particularly Caroline, who is much dumber than she realizes (if she were smart, she would try to appear likable once in awhile – e.g., laughing off the “envelopes” remark instead of getting in a huff about it). Andy posted a very defensive message on his facebook page about the gang-up, and the last time we got one of those, it resulted in a house-cleaning at RHONYC. I assume the Manzos, etc. (because what are Kathy and what’shername but Manzo appendages at this point?) may be feeling the heat next season.

  7. I dont think of it as a gang-up as much as she insulted every single person in the room and they all finally had enough.

    She totally brought this all upon herself. Things were just starting to calm down. Why the digs in the cook book? Not funny. Not Lucille Ball (ish)… she meant them.

    She’s a liar and so is her husband.
    I think he might actually do time for using his brothers birth certificate to get a Jersey driver’s license. They really frown on that ever since 9/11..it’s a felony offense now. False id’s = a no no.

    The second half looks even worse (better)….I doubt her brother will ever speak to her again. Season four must be a real train wreck.

    Lucky us!

  8. So…. I swore I was not going to watch this any longer but here I am…. I was thinking the same thing as Katie that Caroline’s hostility towards Teresa might have something to do with the Punta Cana fiasco. Apparently the Manzo Boys and Greg were in the middle of the melee that seemed to be caused by Teresa being a first-class jerk. I wonder if there are some serious charges being pressed and Caroline thinks it is all Teresa’s fault that her perfect little boys got into a brawl. It is also making me crazy that Bravo won’t talk about it but I think they are in trouble because they won’t share the footage or something? I dunno.

    Teresa and Joe are thugs and liars and I think she could only hide her true colors for so long. I am glad she is being called out for the horrible person she is. I do feel bad for her kids, though. As crazy as they are, they don’t deserve all this stress in their lives and I think they should not be on the show.

    • The Manzos, Bravo, and Teresa and Joe are being sued. Two out of those three entities can’t hide behind Bankruptcy. I would be furious too, if I were Carolyn.

      All because Teresa thought it would be cute (“it’s a joke, get it-ha-ha”) to soak a total stranger in Champagne.

  9. When are Juicy Joe and Cavewoman Tre going to get off my telly and go to jail? They are grossy gross.

  10. It is interesting to see the tables turn on “Tre”. She definitely made that bed. But i still have a strong distaste for Melissa. She is not as hot as she thinks she is, she has about as much musical talent as Gretchen Rossi, and her constant Jesus blabber is borderline ignorant. This went from being one of my favorite Housewives casts to least fave in a season.

  11. What an uncomfortable reunion. Teresa is awful, yes. But so are the rest of the housewives, well Caroline and Melissa anyway. After all the eye rolling and smack talking all season, Melissa was acting all innocent and sweet. Please. That must’ve been one of the reasons Teresa was so pissed off the entire time haha

    Anyone else notice the bizarre faces Caroline was making throughout the episode? The weirdest one was her pouty face. Her lips were out an inch from her face! That woman is so dramatic! Talkin how Teresa crucified Melissa and Kathy to the public. Please relax. We can form our own opinions. Teresa was out of line mentioning Caroline’s son in the “cookbook” although a stripper car wash is moronic. I’m guessing not many women would want their daughters working on one. Why can’t Caroline just leave it at that? What, because the idea came out of her son’s mouth, somehow the strippers who’ll work there are blessed to work with her son and are stripped of the sleaze factor inherent in their profession? We all know Caroline would have a problem with Lauren working there. Stop being so high and mighty. She’d be more likable if she was calmer.

    They all suck.

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