The bitches are back! The Real Housewives of Atlanta have returned, and it’s more flamboyant than ever. Seriously, I’m partially convinced that this is a show based purely on the lives of drag queens in Atlanta. Between the wigs, the diva attitude, the makeup, and the men in women’s accessories, it’s hard to believe there are any XX chromosomes on screen. Even Kroy looks like a beefy Ellen DeGeneres.
It’s all par for the course for Atlanta, the most outlandish and ridiculous of all the Real Housewives. The whole gang is back, including the terminally boring Cynthia, who is now following in the footsteps of Janice Dickinson and starting up her own fake modeling agency. The goal is to make Atlanta a fashion capital of the world, and quite frankly I’m shocked that the city doesn’t already have that lofty status, given that it’s the homebase for such visionary lines as She by Shereé and Closet Freak.
Anyway, to help launch the agency, Cynthia enlisted the help of Miss J, the famously bizarre runway coach from America’s Next Top Model. This led to a lengthy scene of him talking in a somewhat normal fashion (shocking, I know) before he returned to doing what he does best: pretending to walk like a girl in the mall. All the girls giggled at this HI-larious portrayal while I resisted the urge to hit fast forward on my remote.
In other gender-ambiguity news, the reigning she-man of the series (if you exclude all five of the primary cast members), Lawrence made his triumphant return as he sang a somewhat unimpressive song to Shereé, who cheered on supportively before diving into her own woes. Apparently Sherayay has been lining up acting gigs, and somewhere along the way, she and NeNe had a disagreement about money. Now they beefin’. I didn’t really understand the details, but I was just happy to see these two angry at each other again because I think we can all agree that no feud has been as juicy as the Nene v. Sherayay clash of season one.
Sure enough, the women convened at the end of the episode to clear things up, but in typical Atlanta fashion, this merely turned into a yelling match with Sherayay mocking Nene’s teeth, and Nene storming out of the restaurant. It’s good to see that some things never change.
Other things do change though. Kim Zolciak, for instance, has plumped up. Yes, she’s got a little Kroy in her belly, and if anyone looks like they’re enjoying a pregnancy, it’s Kim. Sure, she may say she’s miserable, but y’all know she’s loving the baked ziti and jalapeños in bed. I can only imagine what’s in store for us once she pops that little bugger out of her pocketbook. I have visions of Kim holding a baby up to her teat in one hand, the other balancing a plate of Frunions and guacamole (with a little ciggy perched in the fingers — not to mention a glass of Chardonnay clipped on to said plate of Frunions and guacamole).
Over in Kandi land, the big news was that the perpetually horny sistah was expanding her brand into the realm of sex toys. She seemed particularly enthused by the idea of creating a line of vibrators that would vibrate along to the the rhythm of songs… songs she could write. Can’t wait to see that album: “Kandi Burruss Presents BZZZZZ: Music For Your Dildo.” Brings new meaning to the term “buzzworthy music.” RIMSHOT!
Perhaps first in line buy Kandi’s vibrator will be Phaedra, who seemed all too happy to hop onto a doggy-style sex cushion called “THE WEDGE.” Phaedra’s always been an odd one, and this season premiere revealed yet another peculiar facet of her personality. She apparently LOVES funerals. On this episode, we saw Phaedra arrange a ridiculously ostentatious funeral for her great-Aunt, sending her off with a chariot, men in top hats, doves, and pretty much everything short of a ferris wheel (although, who knows if the ferris wheel merely was chopped in the editing room). As funerals go, this one was pretty ridiculous, but don’t tell Phaedra that. She loved it. Heck, just talking about all the over-the-top details seemed to send her right back on to THE WEDGE. “I just love… FORMALITIES!” she told us in one of the funniest lines of the night. Never mind that Phaedra botched the meaning of “formalities.” Hey, who are we to deny the woman the sheer joy of excess? That being said, Phaedra has yet to top Sherayay’s famous request for a poet and a helicopter at her Independence Party. I think she’ll get there though…
Here’s the photocap:
“I’m glad we’re opening up this storage unit. I think I left a burrito in there back in February. I wonder if it’s still good. Kroy! KROY!!! GET MOMMA A NAPKIN!”
“I did NOT like your song. See that? That was acting. Shereé Whitfield, actor.”
“I can’t wait to show all these wannabe models here in Atlanta how to be BORING.”
“Miss J, what do you think about my modeling agency?”
“Ooooooooooh boo booo booo beeeeep.”
“Hahaha, you are OUTrageous!”
“Hey, Miss J, do you remember when we first started with Tyra and Naomi?”
“Chiiiiile, you done get done some done get some oooooooohhh ooooo beeee booooo beeeee like a HUSSY!”
“It is very important that we have a classy, understated funeral. So… who’s in charge of ordering the Cirque du Soleil pallbearers?”
“Welcome to the Bailey Agency. The most BORING Agency in all the land!”
“Ooooh! Now I know how Apollo felt in prison!”
“I can’t wait to write my new hit, ‘The Cock Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing!’”
“Brielle, get momma some pickles. BRIELLE!!! GET ME SOME PICKLES, GIRL!!!!! BRIELLE!!!!“
“Thumbs up on the peacocks in fedoras!”
“Is there any way we can incorporate a harpist? Perhaps one who’s carried in by midgets in Renaissance garb?”
“Nene, just because you were on Celebrity Apprentice doesn’t mean you have any business sense.”
“Excuse me, but I have worked with LEADERS of industry!”
“Gary Busey? Really?”
“Yeah, bitch. Gary Busey. What do you have to say about that?”
“He is a wonderful actor. Ha! See that? More acting. Shereé Whitfield, actor.”
“Hello? Who’s this? A poet? On a helicopter? Honey, I don’t need you no more. Goodbye. Ha! See that? There was no one on the phone. That was just me acting. Thank you.”
“Have you seen Duh-wight lately? He has taken his face and pulled it back so far… girl, he looks like the rubber end of a baster.”
“Hey Sherayay, you like my haircut? I said I wanted to look like the kid from ‘About A Boy.’ Don’t be jealous, girl.”
“If I may, I would like to end this episode on a BORING note.”
What did you think about the premiere?