REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: All The Other Housewives With Their Pumped Up Kicks…

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Strange things are happening on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Lisa and Taylor seem to be friends, Taylor and Camille are now enemies, and Adrienne and Lisa appear to be on the outs. Oh, and Kyle had a civil outing with Brandi too. Weird.

Everything seemed a bit out of whack on last night’s episode, starting with an icky glimpse into Taylor and Russell’s therapy session (conducted by the creepiest therapist on TV since Dr. Caspian on Sisters. Please tell me that one of you gets the reference). It’s been unsettling enough listening to Taylor wax promisingly about her crumbling marriage, trying to sway us, her friends, and herself that things will get better. But to watch Taylor and Russell both put on a show of self-improvement for their therapist was truly creepy (bonus point to the therapist for calling Taylor’s wish for a clean slate immature). I couldn’t imagine that Russell was particularly chuffed to bits about having his therapy sessions put on display, but then again, he could have just as easily said no to it all. At the end of the day, it’s all a bit macabre, watching him smile and say the marriage is not beyond saving… knowing full well that he’s since gone and hanged himself. Ouch.

While Taylor put on her typical façade, Adrienne got to work on her big Sherayay moment: as in a fashion show with no fashions. Adrienne, you see, has decided to step into the shoe business (see what I did there?), and she decided she would debut her signature pump (christened the Maloof Hoof by Lisa) at a charity fashion show she’d be hosting. This all seemed well and good, and I have to say, of all the ridiculous Housewife forays into business, this seems to be one of the more promising ventures — if only because it carries the good name of the Maloofs.

One problem though: when the fashion show finally came around, Adrienne DIDN’T SHOW OFF HER SHOE. Now, why the heck would she do that? Why, of all times, would she decide THIS was the moment to be understated? To be fair, Adrienne didn’t want to upstage her charity, which was totally admirable, but c’mon now, there’s nothing upstaging about actually showing the product you advertised at the show.

Who knows? Maybe Adrienne was in a tizzy still about Lisa’s choice to have PANDY’s bachelorette party at Planet Hollywood. The two women talked it out, and it seemed like there was some resolution, but then they wound up bickering about why Lisa’s wine wasn’t being used at The Palms. The end result: both women are quietly annoyed with each other, which can only mean this will lead to an epic feud down the line. Can’t wait!

Speaking of Lisa, it turns out she actually splurged for the ridiculous boxes for Pandora’s wedding invitation (ahem, mine must have gotten lost in the mail). I know the VanderPump-Todds are wealthy, and clearly they have an eye for extravagant things, but a part of me thought they’d have the good sense to realize what a rip-off these $150 invitation boxes would be. Multiply that by 100 invites (as Bravo did), and suddenly that’s $15,000 right there. Of course, if we’re meant to believe that only 100 invites were going out, that would be bad enough. But clearly there will be plenty more than that. Disaster.

Meanwhile, over on Team Richards, things were pretty tame. Kim was a no-show this episode, which means she was probably curled up in the arms of her Angry Bird lover, speaking sweet-nothings about the planes at the airport (which she just LOVES). Kyle, however, went on a playdate with Brandi, and the two managed to get along fine. Brandi proposed having a rather adult-themed party involving a porn star and a fellatio demonstration, but Kyle shot that idea down with a doubtful glare and silent shock. Good thinking: who needs a porn star when we have Bebe Neuwirth:

On second thought, that might be a bit awkward for Camille.

Camille, meanwhile, continued her awesome streak, particularly after having run into Taylor by accident outside of Adrienne’s bathroom. Taylor stuttered and laughed awkwardly, apologizing for standing outside the bathroom. Camille, however, took it all in stride and floated on by as if there were hardly any issues whatsoever. I guess one becomes an expert at graceful fakery when you’ve been married to someone like Kelsey for so long.

And on the topic of fakery, I’m not sure we’ve seen such fakery on display as we did last night amongst all of Adrienne’s lackeys. It was astounding the amount of gushing flattery they bestowed on Adrienne and Paul, with one woman going so far as to excessively compliment Paul on his fashion choices. She called him utterly handsome, but given his choice of a purple paisley shirt and slicked back hair, I’d seriously question the woman’s taste levels. Not even Mauricio would be able to pull off a shirt like that. Not even Mauricio…

Anyway, on to the photocap…

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“Lisa! I’m wearing a candy cane for a tie! Isn’t that great? I love it!! Hey, does this big fish give BJs?”

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“Oh, PANDY, this is beautiful! I’m sure everyone will LOVE this… before they throw it in the trash.”

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Lisa: “This is what happens when Taylor opens up her legs.”

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“I want my shoes to be classy and understated, like my THRONE.”

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“I just love that Big Bang Theory.”

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“I don’t understand gyroscopes.”

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“Are you telling me that gyroscopes are not microscopes that focus on gyros?”

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“Well, now I’m TOTALLY confused.”

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“Mummy, I want cotton candy, and I want it NOW!”

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“Arf! Why are you feeding this to me? You have a COLD! Arf!”

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Brandi: “Hi!!! Welcome to Le Posh!”
Kyle: “Thanks! Where’s Kim D?”
“No, this is Le Posh, not Posche.”
“Oh. Well, why are we even here then?”

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“Soooo… I want to have us all hang out with a porn star who can teach us about blow jobs.”

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“Not sure this really helps with your slut complex, Brandi.”

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“Ugh. I really don’t want to see Camille tonight. Or food.”

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“So is everyone else completely ravished by my purple paisley shirt?”

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“Omg, Kyle, Russell said I looked pretty tonight.”
“Really? Does he have a thing for scarecrows or something?”

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Mauricio: “Honey, I just have to say this: your chest looks like it’s wrapped in lettuce cups.”

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“Lisa, I was a little offended that you didn’t choose The Palms for Pandora’s bachelorette party.”

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“Oh, I’m sorry, Adrienne. I just didn’t want the girls to go anyplace SLUTTY.”

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“The Palms is hardly slutty.”

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“Have you SEEN the reality shows that get filmed there? It’s ghastly really.”

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Camille: “Hi!!! I was so scared that I’d walk out of the bathroom and Taylor would be there. Phew! Bullet dodged. Or should I say, lying bitch dodged! Hahaha.”
Taylor: “I’m right here.”

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Taylor: “Damn, did Camille eat a burrito or something? We need some Lysol up in herre!”

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“This is so awkward. AND I’M SO HUNGRY.”

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Adrienne: “I just need to know one thing: will the champagne be coming from the right or the left?”

Lady: “Everyone is coming from the right.”
Guy: “Except the waiters.”
“The waiters are coming from the right.”
“Stage-right. And more from the rear.”
“The rear right.”
“Adrienne’s left though, but my right.”
“No, Adrienne’s right, and your left. But behind Paul.”
“If Paul were to turn 15 degrees though–“
“To Paul’s right?”
“To Paul’s left.”
“Oh, then the champagne would come from the left.”
“Adrienne’s left?”
“No. From ahead of Adrienne.”
“But to the right of Paul.”
“Only to the right of Paul if his body faces left and his head is turned right. But if we move the staircase, then the champagne can come from under.”
“So… from above Adrienne.”
“Above and to the right.”
“My left.”
Adrienne: “JUST TELL ME WHERE THE GODDAMN CHAMPAGNE WILL BE.”

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Camille: “I just ran into Taylor. I was excited at first because I thought it was a Tim Burton creature, but then I realized it was just her.”

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“I was on Top Model!”

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Dana: “This fashion show is awesome. I’m going to watch it until the end. That’s what we’re all about. Always have been. Hey, when is our group trip to Hawaii at your house? Amirightcamille? Or should I call you, Friend?”
Camille: “I just want to know how you gonna have a shoe fashion show with no shoe fashions?”

What did you think about the episode?

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13 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: All The Other Housewives With Their Pumped Up Kicks…

  1. Wasn’t the Real World season with Trashelle, where she slept with everyone (sans protection, of course) filmed at The Palms? That speaks v-o-l-u-m-e-s. Oy.

  2. B-Side, don’t throw the shade eye at Dr. Sophy! Don’t you know he’s also the family counselor on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab show? Clearly the man is pure of heart, and his only wish is to help those in crisis. He just wants to help people!

    :)

  3. I missed Kim and her antics. It’s not the same without her.

    I admire the way both Adrienne and Lisa handle their ‘business’. They both get right to the point. I get where they were both coming from, but I have to side with Lisa because if her friend offered up the hotel, why the heck would she turn it down. What should she have said? “Thanks for the offer of hosting, but I’m going to have to say no because I have another friend who also has a hotel and maybe they will do me a favor too.” I guess it would have been better for Adrienne if Lisa told her right away about it. But I think that also could have been uncomfortable as well.

    Are they keeping Dana or not? She just sort of pops up from time to time, but isn’t integral to any of the story lines.

  4. I would rather wear a VanderPUMP than a Hoof.
    And FYI Ms. Maloof – you cannot call a 2″ high heel sandal a flat. I realize that if you used to wearing a 6 inch heel that it feels flatter but they are still NOT flats. Adrienne has bugged me since the beginning of the season when she tried to push that little Jackpot on us. And if she wanted to host Pandora’s bachelorette party why didn’t she offer instead of wanting Lisa to ask her.
    I was surprised to see that the part of Martin the Tag-along was being played this week by Mohamed.

    hb

  5. Well, that episode explains a lot. Perhaps in hindsight, going with a guy whose therapy successes include Gary Busey and Paris Hilton wasn’t such a great idea. It looks like he was so preoccupied with making the most of his celebrity therapist gig that he failed to notice that Russell had the potential to turn himself into a windsock.

  6. I recognized the doc from Dr. Drew, as well.
    Watching Russell now really creeps me out, knowing what we all know.
    I guess I’m in a minority, but I really don’t like those slutty stripper shoes Adrienne and the rest of them wear.
    The box invites looked a little smaller than originally suggested, but still tacky.
    Camille still winning me over, and she looked fantastic. Better than Kyle’s lettuce wraps.

  7. Okay, I didn’t really pay attention this week but have a couple comments/questions anyway…

    The box invitation? Is that like the invite in Bridesmaids? Will a butterfly release when you open it?

    Adrienne’s shoe design seemed very similar to a pair she already owned when she & kyle were sorting through her collection to thin it out. Were they the same shoes? Dd she have hers made in silver & gold? Is her design a silver knockoff of designer gold ones she already owns?

    I kinda love Paul… and Mauricio…

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