Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I’m thankful for so many things, and high on that list (just slightly under the chocolate peanut butter ice cream I made last night) are The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which continue to entertain on a weekly basis. The latest episode saw Camille Grammer become officially awesome (who knew?) as she utterly dismantled Taylor Armstrong at Lisa’s tea party. It was sort of a brilliant take-down, and Taylor’s gotta be kicking herself for being the one that made Camille Grammer suddenly a fan favorite. That’s like being single-handedly responsible for turning Pol Pot into a cuddly hero. And apologies in advance for indirectly comparing Camille to Pol Pot. I have this horrible streak for comparing people to ruthless dictators and/or the occasional totalitarian.
Camille, of course, is hardly a despot. She’s merely a woman who Taylor foolishly tried to call out, but alas, Taylor vastly underestimated Camille’s inability to deal with this petty bullshit. After all, Camille has bigger fish to fry — specifically one fish who’s recently shacked up with a pretty new flight attendant. Considering all the crap that Dr. Frasier Crane has presumably thrown Camille’s way, this squabbling from Taylor was probably both the last thing that Camille wanted to deal with (and also the least significant). If anything, Camille was probably excited to eek out an easy victory at the tea party. Probably made her feel good after months of ineffective wrangling with Kelsey.
Anyway, the specifics of this situation were that Taylor basically accused the women of not having her back, causing a livid Camille to say that not only did the women have her back, but they had been protecting her by not sharing the dark secrets of Russell’s abuse. But if Taylor was going to blow up Camille’s spot, Camille sure as hell was going to blow up Taylor’s spot too, and needless to say, when it comes to spots, Taylor’s was about ten times larger than anything Camille had. Let’s not also forget that for Camille, there was nowhere for her reputation to go but up. Calling out Camille Grammer for being fake is like calling out Pol Pot for being evil. There I go again with the tyrants.
Sure enough, Camille not only let the cat out of the bag about the abuse, but she also questioned the veracity of the claims, stating how Taylor never seemed to quite show any physical signs of abuse (ah, and poor Taylor couldn’t say, “Well, you never see me” as she had just spent the past episode claiming that she spends an enormous amount of time with Camille).
Well, Camille stormed out in a glorious huff, thus finding herself atop Taylor’s shit list. With Lisa no longer Public Enemy #1, Taylor suddenly declared that everything was resolved, causing Kyle (and America) to do the “What the?” face. It was weird, but allegedly Lisa and Taylor were now friends (and given that I personally saw them socializing together with my own eyes this past summer, it seems to be somewhat true).
The show then shifted into postgame report mode, with the various women reporting back about the tea party to other various women. Kyle babbled on about it to The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, and then later the women gathered for a casual lunch to dish even more. Camille told Kyle (can you imagine that Camille and Kyle shared a lunch together without anyone even batting an eye?) that she had texted Taylor a few times to apologize, but Taylor hadn’t written back.
Flash forward to Kennedy’s Western-style birthday party where Kyle, ever the shit-stirrer, asked Taylor “Oh, have you and Camille been texting?” Classic Richards. She knew the answer to that question, and she just wanted to dredge up info. Naughty, naughty.
Speaking of that party, it was another lavish and ridiculous birthday bash for Kennedy, but at least this one seemed a bit more kid-friendly. Still, whatever happened to the days of miniature golf? (Full disclosure: Los Angeles has no quality miniature golf courses. One must drive at least thirty to forty-five minutes out of the city, and even then, you’re stuck with Boomers, which is an affront to the sport of miniature golf).
Anyway, everyone showed up to the party, including Kim, who was fresh from hanging a tacky Golden Gate bridge thing over her boyfriend’s fireplace. The piece looked ridiculous enough as it was, but dangling off-center on a mantle just made it embarrassing. Nevertheless, Ken loved it, and perhaps riding the high of this interior design triumph, a shlurry Kim happily appeared at the party. She ravished us with tales of her old Disney steed that she used to ride, and she even tried her hand at the mechanical bull (side note: I could watch Paul try to hop on that thing for hours). The fun ended for Kim though when an ever-leggy Brandi attempted to break the ice with her. The model said hi to Kim, who just nodded her head nervously and looked away. And that was the end of that.
In other fun news, Russell made another appearance on the episode, and Bravo happily showcased his asshole side by including footage of him snapping at Dana. I’ll just say this: anyone who can make me sympathetic to Dana is quite the bastard. Nevertheless, there was minor hysteria about the timing of the cake, Kennedy’s special gift, and a musical performance by American Idol has-been Ace Young, who squealed out a hideous song for the birthday girl. Not only were the lyrics trite and embarrassing, but the guy could barely hit a note. I don’t know how or why the song allegedly made Taylor break down in tears when she first heard the demo. Then again, a pine cone will make Taylor break down in tears at this point. Personally, my favorite part of the performance was one of Ace’s band member’s, who was tatted up all over his neck and arms. Here’s some über tough guy standing in Malibu singing a birthday song to a five year old. Hardcore, man.
After the song, we were then treated to the Armstrong tradition of bestowing an imprudent animal upon Kennedy. Last year, it was a puppy named Snowball. This year, it was a full-on horse. Dana finally made her first salient point of the season by questioning what a family that couldn’t handle a dog was doing with a horse. I’m looking forward to the presentation of a giraffe next year.
Long story short: Taylor is a disaster.
Elsewhere on the show, Lisa once again butted heads with chi-chi-chi wedding planner Kevin Lee, who pushed a preposterous wedding invitation box on her and Pandora. Never mind that the thing looked hideous. It cost a bloody $150 per invitation! How could anything that looks like a second grader’s art project cost that much? And why would anyone want to send such a thing. Lisa was thankfully opposed, but her daughter seemed won over by it. Pandora FAIL.
Meanwhile, Adrienne suddenly has a beef with Lisa over this wedding. You see, Lisa’s old family friend founded Planet Hollywood and offered to throw Pandora’s bachelorette party at the PH Casino in Vegas. This, of course, was an affront to the Maloofs, who own the Palms. Now Adrienne was pissed that Lisa would be patronizing the competition. Oy vey. Looks like we’ll be seeing this all play out next week. In the meantime, here’s a Thanksgiving photocap. Gobble gobble!
“I am DEFINITELY deep frying my turkey this Thanksgiving. You better NOT fight me on it, Taylor.”
Kyle: “Ugh. I miss game night.”
“Taylor, you have to admit that Camille just schooled you, yes?”
Taylor: “I’m so glad we’ve decided that this is resolved now.”
“Yes, me too.”
“Now we can be friends!”
“Don’t push it.”
Kyle: “Faye, will you be coming to our Thanksgiving?”
“Of course. But only if I can honor my pilgrim ancestor, The Morally Corrupt Hester Prynne.”
“WHY ARE NO TABLES SET UP? IS THE ACE YOUNG SUPPOSED TO PLAY TO AN EMPTY FIELD? IS THAT HOW WE TREAT ROCK ROYALTY?”
“PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU. If you can’t be my friend, please don’t be my rental furniture enemy. PLEASE.”
Dana: “I think this party looks AWESOME.”
“No, Dana. It’s a disaster. All two-hundred of Kennedy’s closest friends will be mocking her.”
“We’ll get through it. That’s what we do.”
“Us. You and me. We pull through it. That’s the way it’s always been. Us against the world.”
“Wait, who are you again?”
“I’m… I’m Dana.”
“$150 for a wedding invitation? That’s about as ridiculous as Taylor Armstrong thinking she’s actually my FRIEND.”
“Oh I love this bull. It’s so powerful. I feel dizzy like when I look at the Golden Gate bridge on Ken’s fireplace, which is funny because I thought it was a boat, and I was going to say ‘Hey that’s a boat,’ but haha he was all ‘NO!’ and I was all ‘YES’ and that was like the time I thought the bunny on the side of the road was a dictionary with fur on it, and I just LOVE those planes at the airport, but the power went out; so I just need to stay on this bull and ride it…. I… I get nervous.”
“Camille can shovel shit for all I care. I found my voice, and I’m not afraid to use it (however, I don’t appreciate Camille using hers).”
“So have you and Camille been texting? I mean, not that she told me that you’ve been ignoring her texts or anything, hahaha, BUT HAVE YOU BEEN IGNORING HER TEXTS OR ANYTHING?”
“I can’t believe Lisa is throwing a bachelorette party for Pandora at The Planet Hollywood Casino. And here I had a six hour hair-tasseling session lined up for the girls.”
Kim: “It’s so good to see you Pam.”
“Oh we’re still doing that?”
“Still doing what?”
“Nothing. You can call me whatever you want. That’s what we do. We call each other nicknames. Always have, and we will to the end. Best friends for life.”
“Your mirrors are filthy.”
“You know who’s a goddamn whore? Brandi.”
“What does that have to do with my mirrors?”
“She’s a slut pig.”
“Kim, you’re awesome. I got your back.”
“If Brandi tries to talk to me… I… I won’t talk back. I’m like an Arabian horse. Rrrrreearah!”
“I don’t think horses make that noise.”
“But You can say they do. You’re AWESOME.”
“I… I get nervous.”
“Look at that GODDAMN BITCH. I bet she wouldn’t know to put a Golden Gate Bridge over a fireplace asymmetrically.”
“This place is great. So much space for my kids to PEE everywhere.”
“Okay everyone. It’s time for Ace Young to sing an awful, off-key song.”
“Please stop booing. I beg of you. If you can’t be my friend, please don’t be Ace’s enemy.”
“Alright, enough. ENOUGH!!!!”
“Hahaha, this is the only other person I’ve met with lips bigger than mine!”
Horse: “I’m not a fucking person.”
“Do you like your horse, Kennedy?”
“Good. Because in two weeks I’m turning him into glue.”
Kennedy: “But mommy, I love the horse. Don’t take him away from me.”
“Sweetie. I would never do that…”
“DON’T LISTEN TO HER LIES!!!”
What did you think about this episode? Was Kennedy’s party better or worse than last year’s?