I don’t care what people say: I still like Cochran. To be fair, I haven’t gauged public opinion on the guy since last week’s epic episode that saw him jump ship to Coach’s team, but I get the sense there are probably many viewers out there who think he’s a spineless coward. I wouldn’t say that though. Was it the smartest move he could have made? Probably not. But spineless — hardly. It was an act of self-preservation, but this season has somehow turned into one of those weird situations where people seem preoccupied with the notion of honor and loyalty. Guess what, castaways: this is Survivor not a Presidential race. Ain’t no such thing as honor on the island.
The big problem for Cochran now is figuring out how he’ll weasel his way out from the bottom of the totem pole. After all, it’s only a matter of time before his old tribe mates are picked off, leaving him as Player #7 in the alliance. If Cochran’s former allies would stop fixating on his betrayal and think more about constructive steps forward, they’d realize that they could still ally with him and somehow destroy Coach’s team. Ozzy, Jim, and Whitney’s rants, however, all but destroyed whatever lingering bit of loyalty Cochran would have had to them. For now, it seems like we’ll just have to watch Ozzy’s tribe slowly get picked off.
And that’s what annoys me. I say this every season when this happens, and I’ll say it again: when you’re down in numbers, you can just sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Nor can you even entertain the thought of bargaining with the dominant tribe. You have to breed insecurity, even if it means lying.
That’s where Jim failed this week. CBS gave us a double dose of Tribal Council, clearly as a way of fast forwarding over two relatively unsurprising votes. As expected, Coach et al. voted out Ozzy then Jim, but it didn’t have to be that way. For all the conniving that Jim seems to be capable of, he ran out of steam once Cochran jumped ship. Surely he could be the one to sniff out the rifts in Coach’s team. It’s not one big happy family. Already there seems to be a power struggle between Coach and Albert and Sophie. Plus, let’s not forget that Edna is fully aware that she’s not part of the inner-five. These are huge simmering issues that could have been exploited grandly, but Jim and Ozzy seemed merely content to offer up deals and promises. Not the way to do it. Had it been me, I would have preyed on Brandon’s craziness and made him paranoid enough to go off on someone like Albert. I should also note that I am partially evil.
Anyway, there’s really not much to say about this episode. It was pretty cut-and-dry. Two immunity challenges, two Tribal Councils, and a little bit of scheming here and there. The previews for next week seem to indicate a further rift between Albert and Coach, but I’m sure it’ll be either Dawn or Whitney going home. I could do away with Whitney, but not my precious Dawn. I want to see her all the way in the finals…
“Cochran, you really screwed me over.”
“Did I do that before or after you volunteered to be voted out of the game? And remind me — was it you who outed your own idol? Oh yes, it was. But anyway, what were you saying about poor decision-making?”
Brandon: “Hey, there aren’t none of those women types over here, right? You can’t trust them, man. Temptresses — all of them. Anyway, off to go jerk off. Aw man. I’m sorry about that. I promised The Lord I wouldn’t gratify myself, and I failed. I’m really sorry.”
“You know, women — you can’t trust them. Maybe we should, like, kill Whitney or something? I feel like that’s what the Lord would want from us.”
“Cochran, you disgust me. Do you know how many times I saved you? And by ‘save’ I mean ‘sat quietly and watched Ozzy and Keith make decisions.'”
Coach capitalizes on the downtime to hone his audition for J. Edgar.
“Hey guys! Look! This is my impression of a pianist who has to vom!”
“I would classify this as a personal low point.”
“Oh God. I just saw Brandon’s hairy nipple. BLAAAARRGGH.”
“Just need to win immunity so I can keep up this ‘One Tribe’ nonsense. C’mon DAWN.”
“Please don’t barf on national TV. Please don’t barf on national TV.”
“Sophie, are you going to barf on national TV? KEEP IT TOGETHER!”
“Oh God. I think I AM going to barf on national TV. Don’t do this, Sophie. Don’t do this!!!”
“Crap. I just barfed on national TV.”
Ozzy: “I really don’t want to go home.”
“Yeah… you know what you should do next time you’re on the show? Play with strategy. It helps, like, SO much.”
“One tribe, Coach. This makes us friends now.”
“Not buying it, Dawn.”
“Well go fuck yourself.”
“I think I just stepped on a starfish.”
Brandon: “I’d like to point out that Albert is dressed like a dandy today.”
Albert: “I thought perchance there’d be a yachting trip this eve.”
“Who the hell AM I?”
“Ozzy, the tribe has spoken: you’re an idiot.”
“It’s all good. I’ll be back.”
“I’m gonna be great.”
“You’ll probably do something stupid.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Spoiler alert: you’re Ozzy. It’s kind of your thing.”
“I love Ozzy. Almost as much as I love being a DICK.”
Jeff: “Yup. Made from a Sandra Lee recipe.”
“Huh. You know, I think I’m not that hungry.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
“Kind of full from that rice kernel I had this morning.”
Brandon: “I wonder if Dawn’s getting turned on by my creepy eyes yet.”
“Oh Edna… this is hot. You know I love a buttery muffin. Yes, YES. Okay, that’s enough. That’s ENOUGH. EDNA, STOP PUSHING THE GODDAMN MUFFIN IN MY FACE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?!?! I CAN’T BREATHE!!! EDNA!!! STOP!!!!!”
“I’m just so happy that everyone can eat. I’m really SO happy. I’m SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR THOSE ASSHOLES. EAT UP, JERKS!”
Jim: “And so as you can see, with this plan, it’s us five against the rest of them, and you two are guaranteed a spot in the final three!”
Albert: “Yeah… but where’s the part about us voting you out tonight?”
“That’s…. that’s not part of the plan.”
Sophie: “Hahahaha… you’re funny, Jim!”
“I’m sad. Let’s go lynch a non-believer.”
“Well, this was predictable.”
What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Cochran?