Ladies and gentlemen: The Zolciak has spawned again. Yes, Kim gave birth to her baby boy KJ on last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but despite the high drama that accompanies such activities, I couldn’t help but think this latest installment was a snoozefest. I literally dozed off at one point, which may have less to do with the show and more to do with the fact that I had been in Vegas earlier in the day, but still, I like to think these ladies could keep me awake regardless of my exhausted state.
There’s really not much to recap this week. A lot of attention was unfortunately spent on Cynthia, who journeyed up to New York City where we learned that she regretted her move to Atlanta (have fun explaining that to Peter!) and that she used to date Russell Simmons. This led to a lengthy scene of Russell giving Cynthia advice on her modeling agency, more or less telling her it was a bit ill-conceived. He ultimately suggested that she rebrand it as a fashion “finishing school” so that all the short, fat girls who would inevitably turn up wouldn’t have their dreams totally dashed. They could instead be stylists or makeup artists or designers or NOT MODELS. Cynthia seemed reluctant to adopt this idea at first, but by the end, she probably had one of those “Wait a second, he’s a media mogul, and I live in suburban Atlanta. I should listen to him” moments.
Along with Cynthia on the trip was NeNe, who wanted to have a business lunch with a potentially amorous pizza mogul. No, this wasn’t Herman Cain. It was some greasy Italian dude who first regaled NeNe with lightly racist humor and then busted out his varsity tricks, including a serenade from a man who allegedly hadn’t sung in nine years. It was a rather dubious claim, and quite frankly, I found this man to be so utterly repulsive that I couldn’t believe Bravo was spending more than thirty seconds with him. NeNe also looked similarly disgusted by him… that is, until he lavished her with a fancy pen from Tiffany’s. Money talks, baby.
Over in Kandi Land, the spritely singer had clearly mended things with her momma Joyce. The two were now buddy buddy again as Kandi dolled up Joyce for an amateur photoshoot aimed at earning Momma Bear some dates on some horny seniors website. It was sort of startling to see Joyce wearing such youthful clothes, but she actually pulled it off. Less successful was the image of her sweating in a girdle. I don’t know how this woman could be so angry about a stripper and then allow herself to go on national TV wearing something that could be construed as light S&M garb.
Speaking of sartorial choices, Miss Phaedra Parks appeared before us highly muted and conservative for the first time ever. She was in her official court gettup, and dare I say that she did actually look professional (those specs certainly helped). I was actually rather excited to see her speak legalese, but instead what we got was an amusingly low-end case involving some dopey hoodlum who’d been cited for overly tinting his car windows and carrying a dimebag. Really representing the best, Phaedra. This guy made Redickulous look like Michael Milken.
Even more amusingly was that after Phaedra’s client received a glorified slap on the wrists from the judge (whose adorably closely-spaced eyes made him look like a character from Chicken Run), he then went outside and revealed that his car STILL had tint on its windows. That’s ballsy — showing up at your hearing for over-tinted windows with over-tinted windows. Anyway, the dude paid Phaedra off in cash, which raised a whole other set of questions, and then we bid adieu.
The real test of Phaedra’s legal skills will come next week when she represents Sherayay against ex-husband Bob. The previews indicate that Phaedra is going to drop the ball in some way, which would be terrible since we’re already feeling immense sympathy for Sherée. I mean, how could you not want to hug her after that heartbreaking tale of her never, EVER getting the Speak and Spell she so dearly wanted. Talk about childhood trauma. Now it all makes sense. The poor woman just wanted a simple toy all these years. Andy Cohen better give her one next time she appears on Watch What Happens.
“Kroy, would you be mad if I told you I wasn’t pregnant — I’ve just been eating a lot of Chick Fil-A?”
“Now, Peter, I’m going up to New York for a few days. Will you be able to lose money without me?”
“Oh honey, don’t you worry. I can lose money all by myself! Now go have a great, boring time in New York City!”
“You know, Mom, you’d think that after all these years you’d get me a damn Speak and Spell already.”
“I mean, how many times do you have to remind me that I never got a Speak and Spell before you go out to Toys ‘R’ FREAKIN-US and BUY ME A SPEAK AND SPELL!!?!?!?!”
“Someday I’ll get my Speak and Spell. And very first thing I’ll type is Rosebud. What? It’s because I like rosebuds. Makes sense.”
“How you gonna have a fashion show with no fashions… OR a speak and spell???”
“Speak and Spell by Speak and Spellée.”
“Woohoo!! New York City! Let’s go do something BORING.”
“I am a high powered attorney. I almost had one of my cases make all the way up to Judge Judy.”
“Seriously. You didn’t even wear a tie to court? What’s next? Are you going to tell me you can’t fellate yourself either?”
“So… Russell… what do you think about my Serious glasses?”
“Cynthia, you just made me instantly fall asleep.”
“Hahahhahahaa it’s kind of my thing.”
“Brielle! BRIELLE!!! Get Momma an epidural!!! And some Bugles! BRIELLE!!!!!“
“Oooh, Kandi, where’d you find that nice top?”
“Just something I found in Lawrence’s closet.”
“Kandi, that stripper at your party was totally out of line. I am a LADY! Now let’s show America how you tighten a girdle on national TV!”
“I can’t wait to send these photos to my number one crush of all time: Gerald McCraney.”
“Momma, how many times do I gotta tell you he’s married to Delta Burke?”
“I DON’T CARE KANDI. I NEED ME SOME MAJOR DAD.”
“So, NeNe, you seem to like rap music. Is that a black thing, girlfriend? Hahaha. Slow your roll. Let’s talk about kwanzaa.”
“By the way, that lovely fragrance you’re smelling is my cologne: Eau de Garlic.”
“NeNe, I want to wrap you up in my man calzone.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means I want to put my meatball sub in your mouth.”
“I want to taste your clams casino.”
“Don’t you want to try my Fettucine Alfredo?”
“Okay, I don’t even get that one.”
“Alfredo is what I call my penis.”
“This is awful. First Greg, now this guy… Why must I always be attracted to these super sexy men??”
“I’m really excited about making Atlanta a fashion capital.”
“As in capital N, capital O?”
“I need 50cc of burrito STAT!”
“Cynthia, you look great. Bet you can’t wait to go back to all those nouveau riche bitches in Atlanta.”
“Don’t be mean!”
“Snore. I’m already asleep.”
“I’m gonna name him KJ. I like that. That’s cute. Now KJ, go get momma some Virginia Slims.”
What did you think about this episode?