Another day, another episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ending with a woman weeping in Kyle Richards’ arms. Yes, this is becoming a trend after last week’s hysterics from Taylor. This time around, the show drew to a close with Kim bawling her eyes out over being alone and sad and without a partner in life. It was actually rather tragic (as opposed to Taylor’s tears, which just seemed crazy and booze-fueled). Poor, fragile Kim finally admitted that loneliness has been what’s motivated her life, which explains why she’s shacked up with the unsavory Ken — an allegedly domineering and controlling man.
Kim did attempt to claim that she was happy with Ken, but given that the words croaked out amidst deep, tearful sobs, it was a bit difficult to believe her. Thus, Kim follows in the grand tradition of Taylor Armstrong and Vicky Gunvalson, who have similarly made such dubious claims of bliss amidst total emotional breakdowns. It’s a truly unfortunate scenario, but the way these women grasp onto whatever remaining shreds of delusion to convince themselves that they are, in fact, happy is oddly funny. Sad, but funny. In a twisted way.
Truth is the Kim stuff was only a small blip on an otherwise lighthearted episode. She merely appeared in the final minutes of the show, appearing at first cagey and nervous (ie. not wanting to talk to Kyle’s mother-in-law Estella for some reason). Of course, Kim acting cagey and nervous is like saying “There’s Queen Elizabeth acting all British again.” It’s sort of par for the territory.
When Kyle wasn’t picking up the pieces of her sister’s life, she was picking up the pieces of a busted chandelier, courtesy of The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, who managed to drop the thing at a store. It was all part of a deliriously loony shopping trip that had Kyle perusing chandelier options for her upcoming White Party. We see a lot of extravagant and unnecessary uses of time and money on this show, but I have to say chandelier shopping ranks at the top of the ridiculous list. Hey, I’m not against it — a chandelier needed to be purchased — but still… there was something both humorous and ridiculous about watching the gravity with which Kyle and Kim approached the task. One would have thought they were selecting a home security system. Nevertheless, leave it to Interior Designer Faye to cost Kyle $750 by literally dropping a chandelier on the ground and then hightailing it out of the store. No mezuza could counter that sort of bad luck.
As for the rest of the ladies, it was all about Vegas. Lisa and her daughter headed out to the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino for the bachelorette party (is it me, or is all this wedding planning going VERY quickly?), and who did Lisa bring as her guest? None other than… Taylor? This seemed strange. Didn’t they hate each other? Not anymore. Now Lisa was serving as Taylor’s confidante, and as such, Taylor was more than happy to accept the invitation (finally, her social climbing had achieved full VanderPump nirvana).
Anyway, the two tromped around town, and by tromped, I mean headed to Chippendales with the young ‘uns where they were promptly called on stage and ordered to do Sexymoves. Lisa executed a generally saucy, hip-shaking lapdance while Taylor awkwardly flapped her hands around in a “If my husband sees this, he will destroy me” kind of way. She then sat down on the stripper’s lap and smiled demurely, which was a far cry from minutes prior when her mouth was agape at the sight of the bare-assed dancers simulating love-making to a divan. And when we say that Taylor’s mouth was agape, you know we mean serious business.
Meanwhile, across town, Adrienne had her own ladies night going on with Camille, Brandi, and Dana (as well as the ominpresent Dede). The girls kept things chill with a private meal, during which Dana revealed her million dollar lollipop holder necklace. It had been a while since Dana had bragged about some idiotic purchase; so it was nice to see her back in top form. All that was missing was another questionable claim about her brilliant baby son.
After dinner, the ladies had some fun bowling, and once again Brandi tempted fate by going at it with a boot around her foot. I really thought this was going to lead to a trip to the emergency room, but somehow she survived, and soon the women went off to the club where they danced the night away. You can be sure Bravo was only too happy to include footage of Brandi’s under-boob sweat stains. Charming.
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“Lisa, I’m so glad you suggested lunch. I am STARVING.”
“Good. You need to eat.”
“I agree. Let’s order the pizza.”
“Well, darling, you need to eat, but you mustn’t be a pig.”
“Are you REALLY going to order the pizza?”
“Yes? Maybe? No? I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.”
“No pizza for you.”
Dede: “And that’s when I said to the clerk, ‘No, I will NOT join your rewards program. Just give me my Selena Gomez CD, and have a good day!'”
“Dede, what the HELL are you talking about?”
Brandi: “My party was so bad. My nips get hard at just the thought of it.”
“This cupcake could use some Botox.”
“I’m concerned that I don’t look shiny enough.”
With little fanfare, Adrienne and Paul make their triumphant debut as anchors for Winnetka’s Action News 8.
Kyle: “So many chandeliers.”
The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick: “I kind of want to break ALL of them.”
“Here is our most prized chandelier. Legend has it that its construction is so pure and virtuous that in the hands of true moral corruption, it shall instantly break into pieces. But who would believe that? Hahaha.”
Kyle: “What did you do???”
Faye: “I didn’t mean to break the chandelier. It’s like it just WILLED itself to the floor.”
Salesman: “I have seen the face of evil, and thy name is FAYE RESNICK!”
“I can’t believe Faye just totally Phantom-of-the-Opera’d that chandy.”
Adrienne: “Sorry to interrupt the sexual harassment, but I need to talk to my brother.”
“Gosh, I really feel extra-puppety today.”
“Hey Kim, are you really not coming to Vegas?”
“Well, you see, I’m still moving, and I tried to hang this brass model of the Golden Gate Bridge over the stove, and I just threw my neck out because the power went off, and I… I get nervous.”
Kyle: “Are we sure we need an Ewok in the shot?”
Dana: “This is AWESOME, guys. Next stop: Hawaii! Right Camille?”
“We’re all going to Hawaii together. And we’ll stay at your place.”
“I never agreed to that.”
“It’s what we do. It’s what we’re about. Always have been.”
“I don’t think—“
“My baby son was all ‘Mom, you have to go to Hawaii with Camille.’ I mean, I think he said that. He speaks Thai, you know.”
“Isn’t it awesome that my nine month old can speak Thai? And you know what else is awesome? This lollipop holder. It’s, like, three million dollars. Isn’t that AWESOME?”
“Where do you even get–“
“–such a ridiculous thing?”
“Is ridiculous the new AWESOME? I love that. You guys are so RIDICULOUS.”
Brandi: “Hahaha, you are a riot, Pam.”
“DON’T CALL ME PAM, BITCH.”
Pandora: “Okay, Taylor. Give me back my tiara.”
“Seriously, give it back.”
“You’re a riot!”
“GIVE ME MY DAMN TIARA.”
“Please, I beg of you, Pandy–“
“–if you can’t be my friend, please don’t be my tiara enemy.”
Brandi: “Does anyone else have cleave sweat?”
Lisa: “Oh dear. Why is that stripper holding a pizza?”
Taylor: “MOMMA LIKE! MOMMA LIKE!!!!”
Kyle: “What are you doing here?”
“I got your voicemail.”
“I thought you don’t check your voicemail.”
“So how did you get it?”
“I don’t know how to access your voicemail.”
“No, not MY personal voicemail on my phone. I’m talking about the message I left on YOUR voicemail.”
“Why did you leave me a message?”
“Because your voicemail announcement says to leave a message.”
“I never announced anything about my voicemail.”
“It’s a term. If I call you, and the call goes to voicemail, your voice says to leave a message. That’s what the announcement is.”
“Who made the announcement? I didn’t hear any announcement.”
“Kim, it’s just what you say on your voicemail.”
“I didn’t leave a voicemail.”
“No. I didn’t say that. I’m talking about what your voice tells callers when they call your voicemail.”
“Why would my voice say anything? Clearly I didn’t answer the phone.”
“No, Kim. Listen to me. There’s a prerecorded message of your voice on your voicemail.”
“I don’t understand. Why would I leave a message on my own voicemail?”
“KIM I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.”
“I… I get nervous.”
“If you don’t mind, Estella, I need to have an emotional breakdown now. Please vacate the store.”
“You’re looking particularly fragile. What’s up? And furthermore, do you have any spare chandeliers?”
“My kids don’t like Ken. They say he looks like Gargamel. I don’t know who Gargamel is, but i just have to assume he’s a devastatingly handsome man.”
“It’s just that I’m going on to my fifth month of moving, and I just want my kids to be happy for me, and they never like any man I bring around, not even men I meet at the Van Nuys airport, and you know I just LOVE the planes there, but then I bring a pilot home, and I lose power, and I can’t do my hair, and it’s like why do I even bother making pasta when there are turtles who are just swimming in ponds without pretzels? You know?”
“I’M JUST SO HAPPY.”
What did you think about the episode?