I’m starting to sense that this season of Real Housewives of Atlanta is running out of gas. Sure, the women may be funny, but like the previous two seasons that came before it, there’s no real through-line, no real story here; so we’re just watching a bunch of nouveau riche women (I use the term “riche” loosely) make their way through the day, pausing occasionally to do something cultural like grope a hot slave mannequin at a museum or take in a dance class. The only thing close to drama this season has seen has been the resurrected feud between Sherayay and NeNe, but since their first explosive meeting on the season premiere, the two have barely shared any screentime together.
Same goes for Kim and Nene, whose hatred still burns strong and all stems from that weird argument they had on Kim’s bus last season. If we’re to talk about ridiculous feuds, this one ranks at the top. Alas, Momma Joyce decided this week that she wanted to start the mending process, which was an admirable but myopic idea. Truth is that there can be no progress unless Nene eats some humble pie and admits that she’s a crazy-ass bitch. Funny, but crazy.
Sadly for humanity, it appears as though Nene may never have that realization, which is why we had to sit through ten minutes, it seemed, of her saying “Hello” reluctantly to Kim and Sherayay. The height of maturity.
Aside from this awkwardness, much of the episode had to do with Phaedra psyching people up about a trip to South Africa. Kim, who’s been so much more enjoyable this season, sadly announced that she couldn’t go because of the baby. Nene also announced that she wouldn’t be joining — also because of a baby: herself. As usual, Nene played the diva and declared that she had NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in South Africa, but we all knew she just wanted people — the women, Bravo — to beg her to join. Nene’s going to have to realize that quitting Celebrity Apprentice does not elevate her to the level of Beyoncé. If someone’s offering her a trip to South Africa (and we all know it’s going to be free), she should take the damn thing.
Elsewhere in the episode, Kim learned to shoot a gun (the world is truly coming to an end), and Cynthia and Peter (snore) had lunch with Phaedra and Apollo, after which they deemed them to be not so bad after all. Listen, Cyntheter: it’s not Phaedra and Apollo who people think are awful. It’s YOU two assholes.
Oh, and lastly, speaking of Phaedra, she actually did live up to some of her claims by managing to get the Vice President of Ghana on her Blackberry. Personally, if I were calling a dignitary or world leader, I might use a land line in case of a service drop, but that didn’t seem to be a concern for Phaedra… until, of course, she got disconnected. Oops. Another smart move by Phaedra Parks, ESQUIRE!
“Oh, I like this. Now I can shoot at attackers or lunatics or wild beasts or Nene, who’s kind of all of the above.”
“I FEEL THE POWER! Next time someone says ‘No, you don’t need a fourth Chick Fil-A sandwich,’ I’ll be like BAM BAM BRIELLE!!!!”
“Cheers to the three B’s: Bad Bangs and Boring.”
“Nene, does it arouse you when I smell like garlic and Pine-sol?”
“Look at these little hands!”
Kim: “I can’t wait to have him make me miniature Taco Bell chalupas!”
Embarrassed by Embarrassée.
Culture by Culturée.
“The Vice President of Ghana? I was trying to reach Redickulous.”
“Let me ask you something, Your Excellency. Are you able to fellate yourself? Because have I got a gig for you. Hello? Hello??”
Joyce: “Okay, ladies. Now that you’re all here, I want you to tell me what you think of my wig.”
Nene: “It sure as hell is better than Cynthia’s. Do you see her bangs?”
Kim: “I think it’s pretty clear I have the best wig here.”
Joyce: “Are you crazy, Kim? Do you know how much the men like a pageboy style from the ’70s? Makes them think they’re dating a black Bonnie Franklin. HOTT.”
“Actually, I told my wig stylist to give me The Rachel, but I think he just gave me something he found at the zoo.”
Kim: “Ugh. So glad we’re out of there. Now we can talk about neo-chartalism and the global financial crisis.”
Nene: “South Africa? Why would I want to go to South Africa? Donald Trump made me rich, girl. I’m heading to the Poconos!”
What did you think about this episode?