REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Hawaii 5-Ho

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There’s been a whole lot of drama on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Since I last posted a photocap, Kyle Richards had thrown her annual white party, which had many women seeing red. First Kim and Brandi got into it as they reprised their rivalry with a series of a playground taunts. Most of the obnoxious behavior came from Kim’s corner as Brandi stood patiently and watched this bird-like woman hurl petty insults her way. Kim took to assailing Brandi’s language, suddenly acting as if she were pure as snow with the words that come out of her mouth. Interestingly enough, while the women engaged in their spat, neither of their guests (Jennifer Gimenez for Brandi, Ken for Kim) bothered to intercede and pull the ladies apart. You’d think Jennifer Gimenez with her experience on Celebrity Rehab would perhaps have some sort of helpful instinct, and you’d think Ken, as the chivalrous boyfriend would think to protect his fair lass, but nope, everyone just stood and watched this train wreck unfold until Kyle finally broke up the party.

I mean, Kyle didn’t LITERALLY break up her own party — just the hate party going on between Kim and Brandi. The last thing Kyle needed was another bicker-fest on her hands, especially since she had a massive, awkward dilemma heading her way.

You see, Taylor’s husband Russell had sent Camille a letter threatening to sue her for saying on camera that he beat his wife. This naturally put Camille in a very awkward position as well as the other ladies by extension. The women declared that if Russell were to pull these shenanigans, he and Taylor would not be allowed in the party.

Kyle attempted to relay this information to Taylor, but conveniently, Tay-Tay’s phone was off, and so we were lucky enough to endure the super awkward experience of Kyle having to politely tell the Armstrongs “nnnngoodbye.” As you can imagine, there were tears and stutters and sniffles of empathy, but thankfully Dr. Paul clarified the situation by more or less saying “Get the hell out of here.”

Taylor barked something passive aggressive about how the two had just flown in to Vegas for this party, and soon the troublesome duo were off, with Russell looking as if he had 1.21 jigawatts of rage hiding behind his clenched teeth. According to him, Camille had said lies — LIES! But oh boy Taylor knew that Camille’s words hadn’t materialized out of thin air. She meekly said that Camille had “exaggerated” what she’d been told. This drew the silent ire of Russell, who was none too happy that his wife was going around telling people that he beat her. Ultimately, Taylor uttered a flimsy, nervous line: “All couples fight…” Mmmhmmm.

The bad news for Taylor was that all these shenanigans meant that she couldn’t go to Hawaii with the rest of the gang to celebrate Mauricio’s birthday (or Maurice, as Kim has taken to calling him). It’s too bad: the whole gang was going along. Even Brandi (but curiously, not Dana, who ironically was the one who wanted to go to Hawaii with all the girls in the first place. Shaking a Fendi-clad fist!!!!!).

There was minor drama at the airport as it was discovered that Kim was nowhere to be found. Turns out her license had expired, and now she couldn’t find her passport so she could fly. Heck, she hadn’t even left her home in Westlake Village, which is 45 minutes (GENEROUSLY) from LAX. Oh yeah — boarding was in like five minutes. This was bad news for the Richards, but great news for us lovers of the Kim Call of Confusion, an enduring gift that has brought us nuggets upon nuggets of strange quotables from Kim. This time around she made nonsensical noises about the flight, booking a new flight, and someone named Bette. In other words, she continued to be a total disaster.

Well, Kim missed the flight, which meant that she also missed Brandi getting high on Xanax and calling Ken a gay bull mastiff. It’s not a totally inaccurate description; although, I think there’s less gayness and more Angry Bird-ness mixed in. Nevertheless, the first part of the Hawaiian adventure was more or less a tame affair. Lisa chided Brandi for getting too close to her Ken, Kyle registered faux shock at Brandi’s bull mastiff comment (this after three or four episodes of Kyle quietly deriding Ken’s looks), and Kim managed to miss yet another flight, this time on an island hopper.

Camille Grammar, meanwhile, worked herself into a lusty bit of gyration as she was sprayed down by an eager pool boy. The woman looked like she was readying herself for some sort of erotic film shoot — either that or the arrival of sexy aliens. Anyway, while Camille writhed about, Lisa and Kyle received a phone call from Taylor, who was happy to announce that she and Russell were officially splitsville. Yup, the man was moving out, but as we all know, this would be far from the last of Taylor’s marital woes.

More Hawaii fun next week! In the meantime, here’s a photocap from the past TWO episodes:

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“Hey Mom, what’s that on your hand?”
“What?”
“Your hand. What’s on it?”
“I don’t understand the question.”
“You have a ring on your finger.”
“No, I don’t.”
“I’m looking right at it.”
“At what?”
“THE RING ON YOUR FINGER.”
“Oh! The ring. I thought you said ‘kaleidoscope.'”
“They don’t even sound alike.”
“What doesn’t”
“Ring and kaleidoscope.”
“Of course they don’t.”
“So why did you think I said kaleidoscope?”
“I never said that.”
“You just said it.”
“Huh?”
“Focus, Mom.”
“I… I get nervous.”

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“Would anyone like me to explain computation in discrete-time dynamical systems?”

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“I’m so nervous about this party. I just bought this new chandelier, and well… FAYE is coming. We all know how she is around chandeliers.”

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“I’m sorry, darling. I wasn’t listening. Your sister just sent me a text that says ‘xjkldfsd 98dfj.’ I guess she sat on her phone.”
“No… that’s her standard greeting.”

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Kim: “Oh my gosh, Lisa! Did you get my text? Stay back — I have a vicious cold. [COUGH COUGH] Sorry. I think I sprayed you and Pam.”
Dana: “That’s okay, Kim. Coughing on each other is what we’re all about. Always have been.”
“You’re such a good friend.”
“Fendi.”
“Huh?”
“Oh, Iim sorry. I thought you wanted to know what I’m wearing. It’s Fendi, FYI. $10,000. Awesome.”

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Kim: “Does anyone know if they’ll be serving crack here?”

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Dana: “Check it out: my toddler wrote a love poem in Thai on my Fendi stationery. $35,000 a page.”

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Kim: “You did not tell me Brandi would be here.”
“I did.”
“Well, I am taking the next flight out of this party.”
“You can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because this isn’t an airport.”
“Well, I’m sorry I missed the flight. My license is expired, and the power went out, and–“
“That’s not the point, Kim. You literally cannot fly planes out of my house.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I’m pretty sure I do.”
“Fine. I’ll go to the Van Nuys airport, and you just know how much I LOVE those planes, and I will fly out of there.”
“Where will you go Kim?”
“WITCH MOUNTAIN.”
“Not a real place.”
“The Love Boat?”
“Also not real.”
“FANTASY ISLAND!”
“Kim…”
“I… I get nervous.”

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Kim: “You know, cussing like that isn’t very pretty.”
“Neither is doing meth.”
“YOU’RE A GODDAMN FUCKING BITCH.”
“You just cursed.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“I… I get nervous.”

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Kyle: “I’ve got to stop this.”
Lisa: “No, no… It’s just getting good.”

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Adrienne: “Did you hear? There’s a shortage of hair tassels in Hawaii!”

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“I can’t wait to see the look on Taylor’s face when she finds out she can’t come into the party. Of course, she’ll look the way she always looks given that I’ve frozen her face in time.”

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“I slaughtered three peacocks in order to make these earrings. You will NOT turn me away!”

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“Please. I beg of you. If you can’t be my friend, please don’t be my party enemy!”

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Adrienne: “Taylor, it’s not that we don’t want you at the party, we just don’t want you NEAR us. That’s all!”

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“I feel awful. Here — take this Andes mint. I was going to eat it later, but I want you to have it now.”

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Camille: “Okay, so I’m gonna head off now…”
“DON’T YOU DARE, BITCH.”

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Adrienne: “Can we talk about Hawaii real quick? Is Dana coming?”
Lisa: “Ugh. I hope not. Oh, I’m sorry darling. I didn’t see you right there.”

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“If Kim calls my husband ‘Maurice’ one more time, I swear I will tear her hair out.”

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Kim: “Where am I?”

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Kim: “Wow, Kyle. You have really let yourself go.”
“I’m not Kyle. I’m Ken.”
“I knew that.”

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“Did you hear that Cedric is a life coach now? That’s about as ridiculous as Kim signing up to be a driving instructor.”

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“Does anyone know where Dana is?”
“Who’s Dana?”

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“Kim, where are you?”
“The mirrors were dirty.”
“Huh?”
“I was doing my hair, but the mirrors were dirty, and we lost power, and so I said ‘We’re not going to make it!’ and Ken said ‘We will,’ and I said ‘I’ve been flying a lot longer than you’ and then to prove it I pulled out my license, but it was expired and Bette called and we’re rebooking on an elephant that can swim; so we’ll be there in five days, which is great because you know how much I LOVE crab cakes, and this way I can watch CNN while I’m making lasagna.”
“Kim, what are you talking about?”
“I… I get nervous.”

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Kyle: “What the hell is this in my cup?”
Adrienne: “Oh, just my bronzer.”

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“Explain Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked to me again?”

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“I just want to eat.”

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Kyle: “Cheers to Kim missing the flight. Honestly, it’s for the best. You ever see Bridesmaids? That scene on the plane was based on her.”

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“DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!”

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“Are we on a plane or a flight simulator at Six Flags?”

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“I once ate a butternut squash this big.”

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“You know, Brandi, just because you have a red Ferrari doesn’t mean you have a small dick. My brother has one, and his dick’s not small. I’ve said too much, haven’t I?”

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“Would you believe that trollop Brandi? If we were in England, we would beat her with a stale crumpet.”

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Ken: “BEST DAY EVAR!”

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Camille: “I can’t wait for the pool boy to come by so I can dry hump the air beneath him.”

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Lisa: “Oh dear. This is no fun. Let’s prank call Domino’s again.”

What did you think about the episodes?

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17 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Hawaii 5-Ho

  1. Kim thinks the only reason a person gets kicked out of a party is drunkenness. I’m certain her opinion is empirically derived.
    And were those hydrangeas at the White Party.? Madonna will be furious.

    hb

  2. I was uncomfortable seeing Camille writhing on her chaise lounge.

    Brandi has an amazing body, but she is kind of boring. Annoying but boring.

    We don’t need Dana. At all.

    Kim missing the plane? Classic. I especially like Paul’s conversation with Adrianne about Kim at the airport.

    • Disappearing into the bathroom for quite a long time…..snort!! She’s so obvious and I am convinced Ken is either her partner in crime or her dealer.

  3. Someone over at Stoopid Housewives said your caption recaps were really good so I came to check them out and they are hilarious! So bloody funny! Great work. I… I get nervous. haha

  4. Oh, and the classic of all time: If you can’t be my friend then please don’t be my (insert applicable word) enemy.
    God that’s funny!

  5. You’re back – FINALLY!

    I actually really like Brandi. Sure, she’s a bit coarse and she dresses like a Ho, but I kind of like that in a Real Housewife. She seems sincere though, and I’d take coarse but sincere any day of the week in the real world.

    Also, I think you’ve just nailed the perfect web spin-off for RHOBH – Andy should have a feature on WWHL called ‘Lisa Prank Calls Fast Food Outlets’.. IMAGINE :-

    Lisa – “Hello – Dominos? Could I please have the Tuna Tartare Pizza please? Hahahaahahahahaha – sorry, I thought this was Villa Blanca! *hangs up*”

    Lisa – “Hi, is this Pizza Hut? Yes, I would like 16 Toffee Puddings. What do you mean you don’t have any. This would never happen at VILLA BLANCA! LOLoloLOL. *puts Giggy on the phone who pants listlessly into it for the next five minutes..*”

    etc, etc..

  6. Welcome back, Ben! It’s about time.

    I like Brandi, too. She’s a little crass, but I bet she’s a better friend than the rest of the women on there. She makes me laugh. And Camille isn’t too bad this season either.

    I thought it was messed up how Taylor called them while they were on vacation- just to ruin it. Misery loves company. She could’ve waited until they returned, then told them. Apparently, these are the only friends that she has.

  7. OMG… I have been watching the marathon all night to get caught up over the holidays and the recap is HILARIOUS!! I can’t wait for Camille to get hosed down and I am also waiting for the sexy aliens….

    I am starting to really like Brandi… as Adrienne says, ‘she has no filter’ which gets her in trouble but I think she is alright and funny and her body is CRAZY. Put that sh*t in a bottle and sell it — I will buy it all!!

    My husband is in sales and he is on the cusp for the club trip to Hawaii and I told him if he gets his number I would be forced to offer him special favors like Lisa did to Ken… we shall see!

  8. As silly as Brandi is, she’s good at detecting things. She pointed out, in her interview, that she suspected some kind of substance abuse from Kim- so she’ll just let Kim go off on her. Kim is the one who acted like an ass; not Brandi. I would’ve simply walked away while Kim was in mid-speech.

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