I have a theory that last week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was intended to be the season finale, but thanks to Russell hanging himself, the producers needed to cap the season off on an optimistic note that somehow addressed the terrible tragedy. Enter last night’s snoozefest of a finale, which focused entirely too much on Pandora’s beautiful but dull wedding. It’s not that the wedding itself was dull — I’m sure it was a blast (my oversized $125 invitation must have gotten lost in the mail [shaking fist]). It’s just that as an episode, this was a bit lackluster. I never really love wedding installments of The Real Housewives because let’s face it: we tune in for fighting and marital discord, not bliss and commitment. If not even a looming dinosaur skeleton could make a wedding on Atlanta interesting, why would we ever care for a civilised affair on the VanderPump-Todd tennis courts?
Of course, I also speak from the male perspective. While I watched the episode, next to me my friend Dessert Darling sat, eyes quietly misting over with memories of her own recent nuptials. Girls love dey weddings.
The downside to an hour devoted to PANDY’s wedding is that there’s very little for me to make fun of in this season finale photocap. I mean, I could rag on the flowers (“Hey Rose, why you so thorny???”), but that’s just not my style. Pretty much the only source of snark was the random cameo by LaToya Jackson, who popped up in a peppy dance segment for no apparent reason (except, of course, that she was clearly a guest — still figuring out that link).
Aside from the wedding, the episode did have a few vignettes to keep things upbeat. The episode began with a lively adventure for Paul as he underwent a colonoscopy on camera. Fun! I’m sure it was the poor guy’s dream to be presented on national TV splayed out like a dead walrus while a doctor shoves cameras up his ass. To add insult to injury, we then enjoyed a lengthy scene of him farting out excess air that had been pumped up his derriere during the process. I have no doubt that there was a certain level of gustiness around Paul’s nether regions, but I suspect Bravo amped up the sound effects.
Another vignette came from the Richards / Umansky household where we were meant to believe that Mauricio — realtor to the stars — had no black tie appropriate outfits. That’s right: he didn’t have a tux. This seemed rather shocking and perhaps entirely false — a silly argument for the cameras. Would this be the high point of the episode?
Regrettably, yes. Sure, we had a super cute bark from Giggy, and Pikachu and Lollipop got about two seconds to shine before they were shoved back into the doggy corner, but really, this was dullsville. We didn’t even have Brandi, Dana, or Kim around to keep things bitchy and boozy. At the very least, allow us a dose of tragic repression in the form of Taylor! Oddly enough though, Tay-Tay was absent from Pandora’s wedding, despite the fact that she and Lisa were presumably friends now. Still can’t figure that out.
Taylor did surface at the end of the episode when the women all gathered at Kyle’s house for a little season-ending capper. It was her first time shooting with the girls since Russell had died, and she did look noticeably defeated. Well, Taylor always looks defeated, but this time she was particularly muted, with good reason. Kim, sadly, was nowhere to be seen, and it appears as though we may not get a glimpse of her until next year as she’ll be skipping out on the reunion entirely. I do hope she cleans herself up in rehab, but please leave some of that battiness for us to enjoy…
Here are the scant few noteworthy images from the finale:
Paul: “Hey, here’s my impersonation of Kim’s boyfriend.”
Adrienne: “It’s funny because it’s true.”
Adrienne: “That was a good one, Paul.”
“That was you, Adrienne, and we all know it.”
“Kevin, everyone knows you’re wearing a hairpiece. GIVE IT UP ALREADY.”
“Oh, Pandy. I’ve been dreaming for this moment. Do you mind that I’ve invited LaToya Jackson?”
“Oh, darling, I do.”
“Yes, I will be your wife.”
“But I’m marrying your daughter.”
“Last time I checked, she wasn’t wearing a tiara. Now give us a kiss, luv.”
“Okay… I guess?”
“Pandora, have you ever noticed how big this vase on my left is? It’s bloody HUGE!”
“Darling, are you sure you don’t want to run off with Martin? It’s not too late!”
“I would like to thank you all for coming to this wedding. And if anyone sees Taylor Armstrong, try not to mention it. Just tell her I was having a few people over for tea.”
“Cheers to us! Next time, Taylor, please remember to put on some pants.”
Lisa: “Would you look at these pictures?”
Taylor: “So THAT’S what happiness is…”
What did you think about the season finale?