After a tortuous break, Revenge returned to the airwaves last night with a rather action-packed episode — one that saw Tyler finally reach his breaking point, alternately threatening the Hamptons’ elite with knives, guns, and unhinged self-destruction. You see, Tyler had been on a downward spiral ever since his murky plans to ingratiate himself into the Grayson family began unraveling. It also didn’t help that his gay-ish crush on Daniel had gone unrequited. At the heart of both stymied plots was none other than Emily herself, and as we all know, there’s only room for one psychotically deranged bitch on the South Shore.
The episode began with the rather stirring image of Ty-Ty busting in on a Grayson family clambake and waving a gun around. Next thing we knew, he had it locked and loaded and aimed squarely at Emily pretty, little head. Daniel’s protective instinct, meanwhile, had gone and run-off to the Stowaway where it had no doubt curled up in a fetal position under the bar. Seriously, a lunatic puts a gun to your girlfriend’s head, and you just sit there? Shame on you, Daniel. May you receive a lifetime of icy Madeleine Stowe glares.
Anyway, we then flashed back two days prior when the most pressing issue in any of these people’s lives was what to do for Daniel’s upcoming birthday. Clambake! This was Emily ingenious suggestion, which of course Daniel loved, but how would Victoria receive it? She apparently had a penchant for inviting Cirque Du Soleil to family outings, and something as rustic as a clambake would surely be beneath her. Once again, the writers mistake Hamptons wealth for Los Angeles wealth. Clearly, anyone from the Hamptons would love the low-key, understated idea of a clambake. And clearly anyone from Malibu would insist on a ferris wheel and valet parking, even if the guest list were limited to five people.
Nevertheless, with Operation: Clambake taking shape, Conrad popped in to Emily’s love shack to speak with his son. Daddy apologized for taking back Tyler, and Daniel feigned interest in giving his pops a second chance. In reality, Daniel just wanted to cozy up to Conny so he could gain intelligence that he could relay to his mother. How crafty Daniel-san has become. And of course, by intelligence, I refer to the espionage variety, not the mental — which sadly has reached its limit for ol’ Danny boy.
Speaking of Victoria, she was having one heck of a day. Not only did she have to endure the notion of a godforsaken CLAMBAKE for Daniel’s birthday (cut to her scratching off “Danging from the sex swing with Mommy” from her party idea list), but she also had to suffer the indignity of negotiating the terms of her divorce with Conrad. She didn’t want much: just the palatial estate, their daughter, and a Kandinsky or two. Oh, and maybe a scooter so she could pedal over to Countess LuAnn’s house and gab about their cheatin’ exes over Celestial Seasonings.
Conrad was of course resistant to comply with these demands, and MIGHT HE REMIND YOU that there was a prenup (we want prenup! we want prenup!), but Victoria had her own tricks up her sleeve: she was preggers when signing the prenup, which meant she signed under duress, which meant that Conrad and his lawyer from Alias were totally screwed.
Oh, but about that baby. Turns out it never existed. Victoria lied and said she’d had a miscarriage. Claaaasssic Victoria. Call me crazy, but I bet the baby DID actually exist, and now she’s lying about lying. For a moment, I thought the baby might even be Emily, but then that would mean that she’d been sleeping with her brother, and that’s a little grody for the Hamptons. Maybe that’s how they hang in Quogue, but certainly NOT “South of the Highway” (Hamptons slang for “Where the rich people live,” as Declan might say)
Meanwhile, Emily sulked over to Nolan’s house to say “I’m Sawry,” and as usual, he took her back – platonically of course (he’s a gay). Nolan, however, had some disconcerting news. Tyler had stolen his little whale camera, which had alllll the incriminating files on it. D’oh! Call me crazy, but since when do webcams have such extensive memory drives? And furthermore, why would Nolan not be able to erase any data on the camera remotely? And even furthermore, isn’t this, like, the tenth time that stupid webcam has gone on an unsanctioned adventure? You’d think Nolan would download the data and destroy by now (might I suggest a replacement in the form of a teddy bear nanny cam?).
Anyway, with lil Shamu on the loose, it was up to Emily to find the cam. Could there be a more terrible time for all this? I mean, she had a CLAMBAKE to plan! Memo to self: host a clambake viewing party next week.
Well, those bivalvia would have to wait. Emily snuck into Tyler’s pool house (much as Coop did umpteen times on The OC) and quickly found Shamu. In the process, she also discovered anti-psychotic pills, and using an impromptu bit of detective work, she learned that Tyler hailed from the Bay Area, once attacked his doctor, and was now on the lam from the law (way to go, cops. The guy hadn’t even changed his name, and you still couldn’t find him?).
A few seconds later, Tyler appeared at his pool house (don’t worry — Emily snuck out), and when he saw that the webcam and its files were missing (a key component of his blackmail scheme. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: he was blackmailing Conrad), the dude trashed the place. Emily, of course, watched from the window with a look of concern and craftiness — much as I’m sure Victoria had when she learned that Amanda Clarke would be helping with this RIDICULOUS clambake. I mean, could there be anything more uncomfortable than having your secret lover’s child tending to the mollusks? I think not.
Speaking of Amanda (née Emily), she was having some doubts about Jack. You see that scruffy little cockblock Declan decided to casually tell Amanda that Jack used to have a crush on Emily, which only served to alarm Amanda. The look on her face registered concern, and when she saw Jack seconds later, we could tell it was all she could do to not ask, “Hey, do you shhtill have feelingssh for shhEmily?” Clearly, Amanda is next in line to have a psychotic breakdown once Tyler flames out.
As for Tyler, he had a violent confrontation with Daniel, who I swore he was going to try to kiss. In the end, Tyler announced that he was flying back to California, and based on Nolan’s GPS tracking device later that evening, it seemed as though that’s exactly what had happened. But no! Tyler was not only still in the Hamptons, he was in Nolan’s house! And he was holding a knife! (Where the hell did Nolan’s bodyguard go? I’ll just assume he made a headstart for the clambake. GOD I love a clambake).
Anyway, Tyler learned that the webcam had since migrated to Emily’s house, and after tying up Nolan (a process that may or may not have involved some casual fellatio), Ty-Ty headed off in search of Shamu. The good news for Nolan was that he had flown in Tyler’s brother to get the psycho off his hands, and conveniently, this man found Nolan bound to his Wassily chair, simultaneously terrified and aroused. Quick, they had to stop Tyler before he ruined THE CLAMBAKE!
Meanwhile, the clambake was already on the road to ruin, what with all the awkwardness. First, the Graysons had to enjoy an uncomfortable moment with Amanda, who Victoria happily wrote off for having a decided lack of “social graces.” Then, shockingly, they had to break bread with the girl, who was allowed to dine with the family, despite being both a poor and a tacky dresser (Victoria’s words). Of course, with the family as dysfunctional as it was, there were plenty of passive-aggressive moments to go around, but none delighted me more than when Victoria presented her gift to Daniel: a scrapbook of photos from his youth. It was actually an idea that Emily had first announced — and one that Victoria had dismissed as “inventive.” And so when Victoria wound up stealing the idea, it was with much glee that Emily chirped “That is so inventive.” Oh SNAP! You just got THORNE’D.
Well, Emily then went inside to grab the cake (um, hello, isn’t that what The Help is for? I’m looking at you, JACK), and who should Emily find lurking in living room? None other than Tyler, who was all “I’m angry! I’m crazy! I want to shoot people!” More or less. Emily managed to distract the guy for a second — long enough to slip a wallet into his blazer — and then soon the two were solemnly walking back out to the clambake, cake in hand.
Finally, we found ourselves back where we began: Tyler training a gun on Emily’s head, ready to kill her. It was all part of a game called “Truth or Die” (no relation to “Funny or Die”), but before we could get to the “Die” part of the equation, Nolan and Tyler’s brother showed up. They managed to distract Ty-Ty long enough for Jack to spring into action and deck the guy. Soon Daniel (note that he was the SECOND to react) pounced too, and yada yada yada cut to Tyler being carted off in a police car. Oh, and guess what the cops found? Frank’s wallet in Tyler’s blazer. You remember Frank: the security guard that Amanda killed? Amazing! But wait, wouldn’t Emily’s fingerprints be all over it? Eh, DETAILS.
Now at this point, you may be wondering why Emily, who famously has a secret martial arts background, didn’t show some kung fu mastery on dopey Tyler. The reason, it turned out, was because the gun was empty. No bullets. Emily had magically anticipated Tyler appearing that night and had smartly unloaded the cache. I’m not sure how she anticipated this turn of events, but she did. TV magic!
As the show ended, Emily crawled into bed with Daniel (happy birthday. Now it’s time for the real clam action), and Victoria received a late-night visit from her attorney, who was glad to announce that he’d found a doctor who was willing to fabricate documents to support Vicky’s lie that she’d had a miscarriage.
My guess: the doctor is Lydia’s ex-husband, who just so happens to be the lawyer’s client too (I seem to remember Michael David being a doctor). The intrigue builds!
What did you think about the episode?