At the end of last week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, we were left to wonder if Peggy and Alexis would begin choking each other’s throat at the mere sight of each other. The answer, in short, was no. This week, the two came face to distorted face at Vicki’s cajun party, and the two treated each other in a civil manner, with a few passive-aggressive barbs thrown in for good measure. To some this may have been viewed as a let down, but I was perfectly happy with the detente because I think I had no reasonable expectation that it would have been anything more than it was. Surely, had there been a major incident, we would have seen it in promos for months… YEARS perhaps. Nope, the only hostility that emerged from this dinner came from all the women versus the crawfish that were shoved in their faces. These stupid ladies turned their surgically enhanced noses up at the mere sight of the fish, as if it were somehow more horrific than digging into a clam or a mussel. Ah, but isn’t that the pleasure of watching Orange County? Dumb bitches saying dumb things in dumb situations. That’s a good time.
This week we learned more about Heather, who seems fairly grounded except when she speaks of the necessity to move houses in order to accommodate a new baby that accidentally popped out of her cooter. I don’t remember the infant’s name, but I’ll just call it the Manischewitz Mistake. Either way, the Dubrows apparently built a multimillion-dollar dream home, replete with elevator and yarmulke display room (I’m just assuming), but alas, they only designed enough bedrooms for their current children. They had no idea that another punim would be popping out. What to do?
Most people in this situation would convert one of the 35 bedrooms in their mansion into a kids’ room. Or better yet, maybe invest in a bunk bed and double up the tots. Heather and her husband had a better idea: scrap the dream home and buy a NEW one.
I wouldn’t call this the most sensible of ideas, and given that it took Heather about six years to build the current home, but the time the next spot is ready for business, the older kids will be off to college, and then guess what? THERE’LL BE AN EXTRA ROOM.
Ridiculousness aside, I do sort of enjoy Heather and her husband, the latter of whom pelted us with about two or three awful jokes that only a dad could make. For that terrible and corny sense of humor alone, he earns a small place in my heart.
Heather also earned some props for being haughty, dismissive, and patronizing — a combo a loving refer to as “Luann-ing it.” At Vicky’s dinner party, she told Gretchen at least two times, “You’re cute” or “She’s cute.” Obnoxious? Probably. Hilarious? Definitely. Gretch certainly didn’t seem happy about it when she relayed the incident back to Slade in her cluttered home (also known as Orange County’s preeminent Cost Plus World Market scrap heap). Oh well. At least Gretchen can claim one thing for certain: she is definitely one of the hottest Housewives on Bravo. Did y’al see her get naked? Wow.
On the other end of the spectrum were Vicky and Tamra, who went on a double date to Catalina Island with their respective boyfriends Brooks and Eddie. Everything seemed fine at first — the couples happily got soused on a ferry. But then things went sour when Tamra became territorial over her hunk o’ man meat. Yes, she actually felt threatened that Vicky and Eddie were play flirting, which was ridiculous because we all know that the two would never touch each other for a litany of reasons. Well, in retaliation, Tamra grabbed Brooks’ hand and placed it on her breast, which was rather disrespectful, but also not the worst thing in the world. I mean, this was Tamra. Eddie should expect such stunts.
Either way, Eddie got all pissy and basically told his girlfriend to fuck off in front of everyone, which led to awkwardness all around. Amusingly, Tamra then seethed at Eddie when she thought she was away from the cameras, demanding that he apologize for HIS behavior. It’s times like these that I understand Simon’s frustration…
Will the two lovebirds reconcile? That’s this week’s cliffhanger.
Oh, and Peggy left the show because she was feeling anxiety, and Alexis let her son do her lipliner. Fun times all around.
“Your house only has a staircase in it? That’s cute.”
Alexis: “OHMYGOD IT’S A RICH PERSON!”
“Cheers!! Now let’s all enjoy some food we can eat with our knives and forks!”
“Gretchen’s handbag looks like it came from a trunk on 8th Avenue. That’s cute.”
“Look at Alexis trying to bite the crawfish’s head of. That’s cute too.”
“I want you all to know that I sold each and every one of these crawfish life insurance before we cooked them.”
Tamra: “Peggy, I think you should march out there and tell Alexis exactly what’s on your mind. It’s important for you, and it will be HILARIOUS for us.”
Alexis: “I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now. I have to prep for a segment tomorrow where I interview a giraffe with breast implants.”
Peggy: “Well, the postpartum is flaring up again. Gotta split!”
“Aw. You’re depressed. That’s cute.”
“Tamra’s so dumb. She thinks I got my lips done when it’s so obvious that it’s only my teeth.”
Slade: “Me like spaghetti!”
“Kids, come help mommy look like a tranny.”
“Eddie, would you be upset if I stuck your dildo in your ear?”
“Who’s hot now, TAMRA?”
Gretchen Christine Nudité.
“Wooohooooo!!! Drunk ferry ride! Just like they did when they came to Ellis island!!!”
Eddie: “Girlfriend, you cray!”
Vicky: “I know, boo!”
Tamra: “LAY OFF. HE’S MY GAY!”
Tamra: “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have Donn’s hand on my breast.”
“Um, I’m not Donn.”
Eddie: “Just so you know, Tamra, when we have hate sex tonight, I will hate you more than usual.”
“So, Donn, what do you say we find a pontoon, and you fill up my love tank.”
“I’m not Donn.”
“Eddie, you may not realize this, but I’m calling the shots now, and I HAVE GOOD AIM. Good, HOT aim!”
What did you think about this episode?