The “First Ladies of Bravo” are back! Yes, The Real Housewives of Orange County aired its seventh season premiere last night, and as per the usual tradition, we had new faces (Heather Dubrow) and new faces (Gretchen Rossi). Actually, Gretchen’s face isn’t that new, but something’s going on in the mouth area, and I’m having difficulty pinpointing it. Did she have her lips done? Botox? Veneers? All of the above? Hard to say, but something ain’t the same with her Slade-slurper.
If you just grossed out by the notion of a “Slade-slurper,” I apologize. But please understand that it’s something that clearly happens. And yes, Slade is still hanging around. Gretchen loves him, which is great, but I, like Tamra, have yet to welcome him into my life (via TV). The guy gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I suspect his foray into standup comedy (as was teased at the end of the show) will hardly reverse my opinion. Poor Gretchen… she used to be so likable, but Slade continues to drag her down.
But let’s not talk about Slade. Let’s focus on Gretchen and her new ceasefire with Tamra. Yes, it seems like it’s happening at last. Tamra finally apologized for being a Grade-A C U Next Tuesday the past three years, and then after bestowing her former rival with some pink costume jewelry, Tam-Tam hugged it out and declared this a new beginning. Gretchen looked like she was ready to accept this, and thus we embarked on a new era… which may or may not last about forty-five minutes.
The new juicy rivalry in town comes courtesy of Peggy and Alexis, which all stems from the reunion when Peggy revealed that she had dated Jim back in the day. Since then, the two haven’t spoken, and now were slated to come face to plastic face at Vicki’s impending dinner party. The entire second half of the premiere seemed to be a giant setup for this confrontation, and wouldn’t you know it? Bravo saddled us with a cliffhanger. Dammit.
The real cliffhanger for me though is finding out why the hell Peggy isn’t a cast member this season? Watching her mock Jim and antagonize Alexis is a pure joy. I was all ready for this season to hinge on their new rivalry. But for some reason — Bravo fired her? Peggy quit? — Peggy is not part of the crew. Big mistake. Huge.
Taking her place is Heather, a brunette with a heart-shaped face and a tinge of Bethenny Frankel in the cheeks. Heather is a former actress who now seems to be professionally rich, what with her interest in buying two mountainside lots with the hopes of building a supersized manse overlooking the ocean. At first, she rubbed me slightly the wrong way — perhaps it was her eagerness to slide small, braggy details into conversations. However, when Tamra announced that Heather would epitomize everything a jealous Alexis would want in life, I immediatley liked Heather by default. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, yes? Even Tamra seemed to subscribe to this notion. She embraced Heather wholeheartedly, and not just because Heather is a potential client. Clearly Tamra sees in Heather a weapon (and an ally) to use against Alexis.
And how about that Alexis. Somehow, someway she found the time to tear herself away from the rigorous demands of Alexis Couture (maxi-skirts FLYING off the racks, I’m sure!) and pick up a gig as a beauty and fitness correspondent for Fox 5 in San Diego. Fox 5 — or as I like to call it Whores In The Mornin’!
Let’s be honest here: this was one of the more ridiculous news segments I’d ever seen, and we see some REAL CRAP here in LA. Alexis, wearing what appeared to be nothing more than loungewear, went on camera (at the urging of her breasty, Playboy Channel-ready producer) to interview someone named Dr. Booty about finding an appropriate exercise regimen for a woman’s specific ass shape. And in case you’re wondering, Alexis actually took the time to ponder whether or not Dr. Booty — Dr. BOOTY — actually had a PhD. For some reason, I sense Dr. Booty never quite finished his doctorate from DeVry.
Anyway, Alexis then proceeded to stutter and stumble her way through a relatively simple segment that had her spinning a wheel of ASSES while a woman in a slutty nurse outfit (replete with saucy garter belt) oversaw the activities. By the time Alexis was down on the ground, flexing her butt for Dr. Booty, the poor Fox Anchors were giving each other sidelong glances, wondering if this was truly where their career had taken them.
The answer is yes.
Lastly, we had Vicki, the grand doyenne of the Housewives. The big news with her was that she was happy AND selling the house, which begged a very serious question: will the new homeowners get to keep the prized “Caliente!” art on her kitchen countertop??? This and many more questions will hopefully be solved over the course of the next several weeks. All that matters for now is that season seven seems to be off to a much more entertaining start than season six, that’s for sure…
“New year, new boobs, new teeth: LEZZ DO THIS THANG.”
Gretchen: “Shall we order some bruschetta and ahi tuna?”
Tamra: “Hmmm… I was thinking more like meatballs and pot stickers.”
“Sorry. I forgot you like to keep it classy.”
“All this craziness, it has to end. I’ve said things, you’ve said things–“
“But mainly you’ve said things.”
“Right. We’re both to blame, really.”
“But specifically you. You are to blame.”
“I mean, I say nasty things. You say nasty things.”
“But it’s primarily you.”
“It’s both of us, really.”
“Hmmm no, it’s you.”
“So we agree. It’s both of our faults.”
“Tamra, I have to say that the idea of us ever being friends is about as ludicrous as Alexis Bellino booking an on-air job for Fox.”
“Good morning! Let’s go down to San Diego and earn that Pulitzer with Dr. Booty!”
“Okay, I think I have everything.”
Assistant: “Did you remember to set the alarm for your asshole husband who’s too lazy to set it himself?”
“I spoke to Jesus about it. He says he’s got it covered.”
Tamra: “Okay, well, here’s the plot of land. It’s really lovely.”
Heather: “Don’t fuck with me. I can buy and sell you ten times over, bitch.”
“I’m so excited to see this footage. I hear these new car cameras are REALLY flattering.”
“Hey, Alexis. Thanks for filling in today. Morley Safer is out sick.”
“Hello America. I’m Alexis Bellino, and this is a breaking story from the Porn Entertainment & Educators Network: PEEN.”
“Wow. Heather has it all: she’s smart, she wealthy, she’s pretty. WHAT A BITCH.”
Tamra: “So why did you date Jim BELLINO? I mean, that’s pretty gross, Peggy.”
“I dunno. He had toys.”
“No. More like cocaine toys.”
“So it’s not because he has a big dick?”
“What? HA. No. He used a thimble for a condom.”
“Hey girls, this is my new attention-whore friend Sarah!”
“HIIII!!!! I’m like a Kardashian, but less talented.”
“Oh Heather! Have you been in this limo the whole time? You should have come in and had a glass of wine!”
“Aw thanks. But that would have meant socializing with you.”
“Hey everyone. I’m here! Gretchen Christine Beauté for all!”
“I can’t wait to see Alexis’s vapid little face.”
“I bet I would be really angry if I knew what ‘vapid’ meant.”
Heather: “Wow. What hideous women.”
Tamra: “Check out my HOT cameltoe! A HOT cameltoe for a HOT lady. That’s me. I’m the HOT one with the HOT pants up my HOT lady parts.”
What did you think about the premiere?
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