REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA: Black Babygate 2012!

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You know, I love me some Shereé, but she was up to no good whatsoever on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She continued to perpetuate this silly (and false) rumor that Kandi was talking smack about Kim, specifically in regards to whether the Wig’d One would hold a black baby in Africa. The whole thing was so stupid and petty, and yet unbelievably frustrating thanks to the editors who replayed Kandi’s actual words umpteen times. For the record, it was Cynthia who made the initial remark, and regardless of what she or Kandi said afterwards, they were both joking around (and they were both correct with what they were saying). That, of course, did not come through in Shereé’s version of the truth, which for some reason Kim glommed onto as if it were gospel. Suddenly Kim announced to us that if there was one thing that Kim didn’t do, it was talk crap behind her back. Since when did Kim become so sure of Shereé’s allegiances? Wasn’t it just a few months ago when Ms. Whitfield was tugging at Kim’s weave outside of esteemed eatery FAB?

The truth is that poor, naive Kim probably just believes whoever gets to her first, and in this case, that person was Shereé. I don’t suppose we can expect Kim to approach a situation like this rationally — after all, this is the same woman who proudly declares that she doesn’t speak behind her friends’ backs while simultaneously speaking behind Kandi’s back.

Then again, maybe we can’t blame Kim. She is awfully stressed after all. This episode saw her enduring the difficulties of selecting fabrics for her home and… checking email. I swear, with all that hard work she could be a latter-day Horatio Alger heroine.

Luckily, Kim has intrepid assistant Sweetie to shoulder some (read: all of the load). One problem: Kim is just now realizing how useless Sweetie actually is (Exhibit A: she lounges by the pool instead of works — not that she has any real work to do anyway). It’s only a matter of time before Kim axes Sweetie, especially now that she’s grumbling about missed calls and Kroy’s dissatisfaction with her. But without Sweetie, who will take care of the difficult stuff like… checking voicemail and running the dishwasher? I do not envy the leisure-free life of Kim!!!

Facing more serious issues is Nene, whose son once again landed in jail — this time for shoplifting razors from Walmart. As an example of tough love, Nene decided to let Bryson rot in prison, but Peter (as in Cynthia’s Peter) knew that this wasn’t the way to help the boy. Who knows what could happen to a good kid like Bryson in jail (translation: sodomy). Anyway, Peter was very adamant that Nene should rescue her son, but I’m not sure Peter is the best person to be taking advice from. After all, this is the same guy who wants to invite 150 people to a one year anniversary party. Not only does he not seem to have the cash for such a ridiculous event, but he barely seems to have the approval of his wife, Cynthia, who said she only wanted a small party. Why do they even need a party in the first place? Making it through the first year of marriage is not a particularly noteworthy milestone for anyone except a husband and wife.

Then again, what’s the fun of not having money if you can’t spend it? Go ahead, Peter. Have fun growing your debt.

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“Please be sure to wrap all my shoes individually. And place the handbags in the larger suitcase. And be sure to fold my jockstraps carefully.”

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“Well, Africa has been fun, but I’m ready to go home and fritter money away on a party I can’t afford.”

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“SWEETIE, what are you doing out here? I’m inside STRESSED OUT. I had to, like, turn on my computer all by myself!”

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“Sweetie. Oh my God. How do you keep beating me at Words with Friends?”

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“Sweetie, where is my Chick Fil-A? One moment it was here, and then I ate it, and now I can’t find it. What the hell, Sweetie??”

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“Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. We going to invite 150 people, put them in the living room, paint a two story portrait of you, load in a dinosaur skeleton, and call it a party.”

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“Kandi, how do I make a Facebook profile for my wig?”

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“Well, this is great.”
“Giiiiiirl….”
“Giiiiiiiiirl, please.”
“I see some weeds–“
“MMMMHMMMM”
“–and some dust–“
“MMMMMMHMMMMM”
“Girl, you know Sheree gone freak when she find out we seen her lot.”
“Giiiiiiiiiirrrrrrl….”
“Giiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrl….”

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“I do NOT have an empty lot. My house is halfway built! AND IT’S INVISIBLE.”

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“Why would Kandi say that I wouldn’t hold a black baby? I love black babies!!! And for the record, Black Baby is a type of Chardonnay, right?”

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“Nene, the longer your son is in prison, the more he’s getting raped.”

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“Good!”

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“Listen to me, Nene. I am a model of smart living: I have thirty-four kids with thirty-three women, I run businesses into the ground, and I have no money to my name. I think I know what I’m talking about.”

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“Well, as a star of Celebrity Apprentice, I’m not sure I can agree with that.”

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“Look, here’s what you do. Bail your son out, find a dinosaur skeleton, and have a party for him under it.”

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Nibble by Nibblé.

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“Now tell me again how they make banana chips?”

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“Wait, Cheesy Poofs and Cheese Doodles are the same thing?? What a world.”

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Accusation by Accusationée.

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“How many times do I have to repeat this? I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BLACK BABY!!! Are you people stupid? Wait, don’t answer that.”

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“I would love to hold a black baby! I was a nurse!!!! Wait, would I have to touch the black baby? Because that’s kind of a dealbreaker.”

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I Rest My Case By I Rest My Casé.

What did you think about this episode?

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14 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA: Black Babygate 2012!

  1. I hate to side with Kim, but Kandi did agree with what Cynthia said, and it was an awful thing to say. Kim is a diva compared to 99% of the US, but not when compared to Nene, Marlo, Sheree, Phaedra. The only thing that sets her apart from them is that she’s white, so the comment implied that she was a racist. I thought she was right to be pissed. But, Sheree definitely stirred the pot, by repeating the comment and by not talking to Kandi before telling Kim. Verdict: Kim’s in the clear, but Kandi and Sheree both have some splainin to do.

    I was in FAB once and chatting with the bartender, who said that people came in and requested the table where the housewives had their fight. All that wasn’t enough to keep the restaurant in business. RIP FAB. How long until Peter’s Bar One meets the same fate?

    Nene is now hanging out with Kim Kardashian in Atlanta. I think it’s about time for the Walking Dead zombie apocalypse to start.

    • I kinda agree with you…but I don’t think Kandi and Cynthia are straight out saying Kim is racist, I think they were insinuating Kim may have just found herself uncomortable in Africa period, with her being white and all.

      I think (and I might be imagining this…Real Housewive overload) didn’t Kandi say she *meant* “I didnt’ picture Kim being in Africa because she doesnt want to be aroud Nene and Marlo”….well then why didn’t she just say that to begin with? Because the clip showed Kandi saying: “I dont see Kim being in Africa…period’

      Ehh I dunno. “Black Baby Gate 2012” is redonk. The funniest thing about this episode was Kim hauling ass through her house to answer the door, while pushing that insane baby stroller from Dimension X.

    • Oh yeah, I also liked how Peter tried to sneak that “well, what were you doing when you were 21” excuse to Nene while speaking up for Bryson.
      I sure as hell know when I was 21 I wasnt stealing razors from Wal-Mart…..fuh real. NEXT.

  2. I just don’t understand Cynthia’s hair. Why does it always look bad? Is this the thing where when you’re a model and looking good, when you’re not modeling you don’t give a crap? I just don’t get it.

    Kandi and Phaedra are my favorites.

  3. even though She by Sheree is now defunct, i feel the legacy lives on in your Sheree captions. #lmfao by lmfaoee (ehh…you know what i mean).

  4. This whole Talls vs. Smalls thing is so stupid. It makes viewers think the ladies should have boundless allegiances to one side or the other. Kandi has had issues with Kim for a while (Tardy for the Party royalties anyone?). She just said what we all know … Kim would find the idea of “safari” or hanging out with poor kids burdensome. It doesn’t make her a racist. Kandi clearly has no allegiance to anyone. No explanation necessary.

    • Kim is no more likely to find a safari and poor kids burdensome than Marlo, Nene or Sheree. They’re all entitled snobs. But to single her out implied that Cynthia, and by association Kandi, considered Kim a racist. That’s a very charged accusation to make.

      • But you do realize that Nene, Marlo and Sheree did go on that Safari though right. Why would you make a claim when the fact has already been proven against you? They already went, Kim didn’t. What was said in no way implies that she was racist but just high maintenance.

  5. Thank you for the recap, B-Side. Understand from Flipit you in Paris, honey!! : ) Look forward to hearing from you again on the podcast.

    In order of hateration:

    Sheree – shit stirring a new full-time vocation for the fronting diva of Atlanta? Well that explains the empty weed ridden lot. Can no one shut this bitch down?

    Marlo – you too weak to pack your own damn bags, heiffa? I would suggest you suck old man d*** a little harder – maybe you can get a whole entourage to wrap and pack your million pairs of shoes out of it.

    Kim: you are dumber than a box of rocks if your source of truth is Shit by Sheree. And there is no fucking way I am watching a spin off of you lumbering around griping about having to open a door or reading with your lips moving. There are women throughout the world doing what you are doing with no help. And for the love of Jebus please stop with the “singing”. Your voice is the equivalent of a drive by shooting.

    NeNe: I saw her point and frankly I would tell Peter to drop it . Brice needs to have a scary moment before things get worse.

    Cynthia ….run, girl, run!!! 🙂

    Kandi: Girl, don’t get into a fight with a dummy. You might as well be yelling at the muffins.

    Phaedra: Funny as always. But she could have gently dropped kick bullshit by Sheree and still gotten her eat on. After all, she is a southern belle, right?

  6. Kandi and Cynthia were talking about Kim’s inability to “rough it”…not about babies…Bravo played it over and over…Sheree just wants to cause trouble….look at her face…smug.

    Phaedra “Well she wont be moving in by the holidays”…she’s awesome!

    Why is Marlo even on this show? She is horrible and she’s not a housewife..she’s obviously a man like Big Ang on Mob Wives (yes, I admit it, I’ve seen that show)

    Kim’s wig’s now have wigs? How much hair can one person carry on their head at one time? And why is she decorating a home she is renting? Some of that furniture looks like it’s been in storage since Queen Elizabeth was in high school. Poor Kroy.

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