What is there to say about this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta? It was the same old crap: Peter and Cynthia hosted a party they couldn’t afford, Marlo and Sherayay had a disagreement, Kim yelled at Sweetie, Nene yelled at Bryson, Phaedra ogled a dead body, and Kandi made a weird face that seemed to say, “Errraaaaagggh.”
Yes, it was business as usual in Atlanta, but that’s not to say it wasn’t entertaining. The aforementioned party was Peter and Cynthia’s black tie one year anniversary party. You read that correctly: ONE year (not ten, not twenty, not fifty). ONE year party. As Lawrence noted in the episode, aren’t people supposed to just go get a damn dinner by themselves? Not Peter, who admitted that he needed to throw a lavish party to impress the people that they run with. Who are these awful people they “run with” and why would you want to “run with” anyone who would force you into poverty just for the sake of a good party?
Personally, I think there’s something sad and hideous about throwing a lavish one year anniversary party simply to prove to people that your marriage survived the first twelve months. Talk about low expectations. Is it even wise to get married if the first year is such a question mark? Then again, in this era of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, I suppose any reality stars that make it past a fiscal quarter deserve a parade.
Nevertheless, if one is going to invite 150 friends to a one year anniversary party, make it a semiformal cocktail party (maybe at a restaurant? Or better a yet, a BAR THAT YOU OWN). Do not, however, make it BLACK TIE. I mean, talk about a flagrant overuse of a dress code (almost none of the women were dressed appropriately, I might add). Call me old fashioned, but I tend to think black tie is reserved for galas and special occasions, not unnecessary “Eff you to the haters who didn’t believe in us” parties.
Speaking of haters, Malorie still justifiably hates Peter, and I say the more power to her. However, she was not without her flaws this episode. First we had a limo dilemma. The back story was that Peter’s friend had given him a Bentley limo to ride to the party in. That the limo never showed up was beside the fact. Like most of Peter’s investors, things just fell through I suppose.
Anyway, Peter informed his wife that he wanted to ride in the limo alone with her — no Malorie. As much as I detest Peter, I didn’t think this was an unreasonable demand. However, Mal refused to believe she wouldn’t be riding along with the happy couple. “I’M RIDING!” she announced, pathetically declaring her intention to tag along with a couple like the ultimate third wheel. Please, Mal. Have some dignity.
Well, the limo never came; so it was a non-issue. Still, Mal crossed the line again at the party by informing Cynthia that she never thought the marriage would get this far. She was shocked. SHOCKED. Adding insult to injury, the girls’ mom agreed. It was on the one hand very funny, but honestly, who says such a thing on someone’s anniversary, no matter how tacky and ridiculous said anniversary is? Poor form for Mal.
Still, Mal’s transgressions of etiquette were nothing compared to Peter’s. The asshole soon got on a microphone and publicly made fun of his sister-in-law to the guests repeatedly. This was heinous as both a host, a man, a brother-in-law, and a human being. So in other words — standard fare for Peter. It’s no wonder that Mal left the party crying. A classy affair through and through.
These idiots weren’t the only ones making a scene at the party. Sherayay, Lawrence, and Marlo had a special moment where they discussed whether or not she had used the F-word in South Africa (she had). Marlo denied ever saying anything, which was utterly hilarious because nothing is as funny as watching someone full-on lie in the face of undeniable evidence that’s been caught on camera. Anyway, she brushed off the entire thing and then waltzed back to her date, who may or may not have been pulled directly from the pages of Sugar Daddy Quarterly.
Elsewhere in Atlanta, Kim’s frustration with Sweetie continued to build. Apparently now she’s seeing what we all could see from the beginning of last season: that Sweetie is a lazy-ass assistant. Now, I don’t feel a huge amount of sympathy for Kim, who has surrounded herself with so many helpers that she’s clearly incapable of doing anything but gobble up Bugles. I mean, she even has her hair dresser printing out her kids’ school registration forms. What’s next? Will the UPS guy be doing her nails? The plumber carrying her upstairs to bed?
As for the rest of the cast, there wasn’t much going on. Phaedra was allowed to embalm a dummy (who incidentally had more brainpower than Cynthia and Peter combined), and Kandi, looking cute, popped up only at the end of the episode to chit-chat with party guests. NeNe meanwhile grabbed herself a mimosa and tried to discipline Bryson with the help of Gregg, but I can’t image that much inroads have been made. Maybe Bravo should produce a spin-off based on Bryson’s life. Of course, the downside would be that each episode would involve him sitting on a couch and staring at lint in his bellybutton.
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“Oh look. My nightie. Or as I like to call it, my Bedtime Chick Fil-A Bib.”
Peter: “Why you gotta sneak up on me like that?”
Cynthia: “I heard you talking about the party and wanted to see what’s up!”
“Babe, you gotta trust that I’m gonna produce an amazing party within our budget.”
“And how’s that going?”
“Well, looks like I’m going to produce a terrible party wildly outside of our budget. So it’s going pretty well!”
“Wow. I am SO awful.”
“What do you mean my Chardonnay locker is empty? Brielle!! BRIELLE!!!!! Get MOMMA HER CHARDY KEG!!!”
Cynthia: “Isn’t beading fun?”
Mal: “It’s as fun as Peter is an asshole, which is to say A LOT.”
“Wow. You really can’t get through a conversation without badmouthing Peter, can you?”
“That’s not true. I can talk about something without mentioning that miserable bearded man.”
“Okay. Fine. What are your thoughts on Kony 2012?”
“Well, that warlord looks like a saint next to your asshole husband.”
“See? You just did it again!”
“I needed to highlight how big of a dick your husband is to illustrate my point. That’s all.”
“Fine. Let’s talk about that movie John Carter.”
“I heard it bombed, much like your marriage will — on account of your husband being a total asshole.”
“I also hear that movie takes place on Mars, which is probably the only place where someone like Peter might be considered a decent guy.”
“STOP TALKING ABOUT PETER.”
“Okay, okay. Give me a new topic, and you’ll see I won’t even mention that cock’s name.”
“Abortion. Yes. Well, I believe it’s every woman’s right to choose what she wants to do with her body. For instance, if I were Peter’s mom, I would have aborted the first second I felt those bristles in my uterus — because you KNOW he was born with a little powdered-sugar beard.”
“The scoring in tennis is great. If you have zero point, it’s called love, which is funny because you’re in love with a zero named Peter.”
“Just stop, Mal.”
“And if you tie up, it’s called deuce, which is really the sign I’d be waving if my husband ever treated me the way Peter does.”
“Plus, tennis involves balls, which is something Peter could learn something about.”
“You’ve failed. You can’t talk about anything without mentioning Peter.”
“That’s funny. I call failing ‘Petering.’”
“Mimosa? Check. Tits hanging out? Check. Okay, let’s teach our son some life lessons.”
Gregg: “Okay, so there’s Huey, Duey, and Louie. And then Webby, yes? And Scrooge, of course. Launchpad McQuack. And… shoot. Who was that sexy housekeeper with the curvy body? This is gonna kill me.”
“What do you mean the limo isn’t available? You realize what this means, right? Our LUDICROUS party will now only be merely RIDICULOUS.”
“Don’t get any ideas, ladies. I’m Marlo’s parole officer.”
Mal: “Your hair is so big!”
Cynthia: “That’s because it’s full of SHAME.”
“Hello my fellow countrymen! Please enjoy yourself at the party, and as you leave, remember to leave a $100 donation in the cans by the door.”
Sherayay: “Marlo, why don’t you just admit it? You said the f-word. Rhymes with maggot.”
“You mean frigate? Of course I said that. I love warships!”
“No. I mean the OTHER f-word.”
“Flag? What’s so wrong with talking about flags? I love flags! I’m a regular flag hag!!”
“Marlo. You know what you said.”
“A lady never tells.”
“BITCH YOU AIN’T NO LADY. WE ALL KNOW YOU GOT A DING DONG BETWEEN THOSE HAM HOCKS!”
Kandi: “You still watching American Idol? Yeesh.”
“Cheers to pretending we’re rich!”
What did you think about this episode?