REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Vicki Screams, Gretchen Cries, and Alexis Gets A New Nose

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Is there anything better than an epic party disaster on The Real Housewives? Probably not. Last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County delivered just that — thirty minutes of ridiculous screaming, crying, and angry accusations. It all began last week when Tamra invited Slade to Bunco night with the girls. Clearly this would lead to disaster in the wake of his nasty comedy routine, and sure enough, the fallout last night was loud and teary. Awesome.

As Slade settled in with his all-too-perfect mullet, Vicki huffed and puffed angrily. Of course, she always huffs and puffs angrily, but this time she really meant business. I don’t remember the exact order of events, but I believe she first exited the party to gain some composure. While she was gone, Gretchen informed Slade that the random gay tried to start up with her about the Improv. This resulted in Slade adopting his asshole persona again (the same persona he tries to hide when he acts all silly and jokey with Gretchen in their couples scenes) and ridiculing the gay guy. Now look, the gay guy was an idiot for babbling about something he hadn’t even seen — don’t get me wrong about that. But the way Slade confronted him — sarcastic, condescending, mean — it actually made me pity the gay guy, and the guy guy was legitimately awful.

The point is this: Slade is a huge asshole, and for him to defend his comedy act by saying he hadn’t been an asshole while simultaneously describing his point like an asshole, it just highlighted how much of an asshole he really is.

Speaking of assholes, in walked Vicki, who is an asshole in her own right. Her attempts to calm herself down clearly had failed because she tore into Slade like a deranged woman high on PCP. She screamed at him for making fun of her appearance, which is something she can’t change (lord knows she’s tried). I had to side with Vicki on that (although, admittedly, I too am guilty of making a few below-the-belt attacks on people’s phsycial appearances here and there). Slade’s defense was that he was merely repeating things that other people had already said. In the battle of the assholes, Slade wins a point (an asshole point, not a moral high ground point).

Ah, but then things got murky. Gretchen tried to explain that when Vicky yaps away about Slade’s deadbeat ways, it’s just as hurtful as when he mocks her appearance. True, it might be hurtful, but quite frankly, appearance is different than deadbeat allegations (whether they’re true or false). So while yes, it might be hurtful to call Slade a deadbeat, countering with a spiteful attack on Vicki’s face — as, er, untraditional looking as it may be — is a bit more vile and immature. Asshole point to Gretchen.

But then this got Vicki going on Slade’s child support issues, and the simple truth is that Vicki really needs to butt out of that. Asshole point for her. Gretchen thankfully brought up the fact that Brooks had gone to jail for being a deadbeat, to which Vicki replied that at least he works. Uhhh… asshole point for Vicki.

Then Vicki idiotically set herself up for total failure, ordering Gretchen to keep Brooks out of this. Well, why doesn’t Vicki keep Slade out of things? Huminah huminah huminah. Another asshole point for Vicki.

In the end, they all were assholes and all deranged. Vicki came off as rather hypocritical, which was too bad because honestly, Slade got off easy. Later in the episode, Vicki tried to explain herself, and I think I actually saw where she was coming from. The problem she had with Slade was that he was just loafing around, mooching off of Gretchen and doing nothing with his life — so while he may not have gone to jail, he certainly didn’t appear to be doing whatever he could to earn money to support his kids. That’s a slightly different point than saying he’s a deadbeat, and if Vicki had merely stuck with a party line of “Slade is lazy, and he shouldn’t be because he has kids to support,” she would have been the victor. It’s still none of her business, but whatever. All these people are nosey idiots.

Speaking of nosey, let’s not forget dearest Alexis, who also managed to drum up some drama last night. After Hurricane Vicki cleared out to Coto, the gang at the restaurant settled down, which allowed Tamra to do her favorite thing: be heinous. And funny. But mostly heinous.

In her typically classy fashion, Tamra began mocking Alexis’s impending nose job, questioning whether or not Alexis was getting a nose job truly to fix her sinuses or to simply remove the bump in her nose that she’s complained about for years. Long story short, Alexis heard everything Tamra was saying because, well, she was at the next table, and understandably, Alexis was miffed. Gretchen, Heather, Heather’s husband, and Tamra then tried to convince the poor, stupid girl that they weren’t bashing her, but I wouldn’t say they were totally innocent. And it certainly didn’t help their case when Tamra declared that Alexis had a big nose that should be fixed. Ouch.

Either way, it was a big nothing, but Alexis was hellbent on making a scene, and so she sassed off to everyone, particularly Gretchen who she accused of being a bad friend for not defending her. This then led to a lengthy scene of Alexis claiming that she always stands up for Gretchen (ahem, where was she when Vicki was yelling at Gretch?) and blah blah blah, Alexis is an idiot.

Later in the episode, Alexis showed off a slutty dress, and then after that, it was off to the plastic surgeon to get her nose taken care of. Despite having had surgeries on her boobs umpteen times, Alexis was quite nervous about this procedure. She was reduced to tears; although, maybe that had more to do with the fact that she had to appear on camera without makeup (and of course that made her looks ten times younger and cuter). Anyway, Jim — wearing one of his more douchy outfits — prayed for Alexis and made everything okay. Chances are he was out the door of the clinic within two minutes. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how the surgery goes.

Also facing surgery was Vicki’s daughter, who appears to be facing a very real threat of cancer. Brianna had to have her thyroid and lymph nodes removed — no small procedure by any means. You’d think it would put all this petty squabbling in perspective. But then again, we don’t tune in for these women’s great capacity to find perspective. Heck, Vicki practically made the surgery about her, nearly puking in the car as she drove Brianna to the hospital. Maybe it’s me, but shouldn’t a mother be strong for her daughter, not trembling and full of fear? Disaster.

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Gretchen: “You guys, Slade got the job at McDonalds!!!”

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Terry: “What do you say we ditch these crazy shiksas and get out of here?”
Heather: “Let’s. I didn’t like this place anyway. They present the menus open.”

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Alexis: “Let me get this straight: guppies are NOT gay puppies? They’re fish? In what world does THAT make sense?”

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“I’m so embarrassed I wore my work outfit to a costume party.”

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“I’m a dick.”

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“Ugh. I can’t stand Slade… and his sexy, sexy mullet. LOVE TANK OVERFLOWING!!”

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“Just because I bought Mandisa’s Greatest Hits doesn’t mean you can make fun of me, SLADE!”

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“VICKI, YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE! YOU MADE FUN OF SLADE FOR DOWNLOADING MANDISA’S NEW SONG.”

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“ARE YOU A MOTHER? IF YOU WERE A MOTHER, THEN YOU WOULD KNOW ABOUT MANDISA!”

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“I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO MANDISA IS!”

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“SHE IS A GODDESS FROM AMERICAN IDOL!”

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“WHY CAN YOU LISTEN TO MANDISA AND NOT SLADE?”

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“BECAUSE SLADE DOESN’T WORK!”

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“HE WORKS FOR GRETCHEN CHRISTINE BEAUTÉ!!”

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“I’m sorry, but I do not believe he can support his children by working for company.”

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“HE CAN. EVERY MONTH HE GIVES HIS KIDS HANDBAGS AND EYELINER TO BARTER FOR FOOD.”

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“PLEASE. THREE OF YOUR HANDBAGS WOULD HARDLY BE WORTH ONE RITZ CRACKER.”

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Alexis: “I wonder why Dominos Pizza doesn’t taste like dominos.”

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Vicki: “I can’t stay here. I need to go work.”
“At this hour?”
“Yes. The ‘Caliente’ sign in my kitchen broke, and now I have to whittle a new one.”

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Tamra: “I really want you to stay, Vicki. Rise above the hate.”
“I.. I can’t. I need to be home with my baby.”
“Vicki, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean you’re lonely when you’re alone.”
“Are you quoting Kelly Clarkson to me?”
“Maybe.”

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Tamra: “Wait, before you go, answer me one question.”
“Tamra, I don’t have time. My ‘Caliente’ sign is broken.”
“Real quick though: how fugly is Alexis’s nose?”
“Oh. SUPER fugly.”

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Gretchen: “It’s not fair. Why do we have to go back to our normal clothes after this???”
Slade: “Shhhh… shhh… honey. These ARE my normal clothes.”

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“Honestly, Alexis’s nose is so big, it makes Barbara Streisand look like Michael Jackson.”

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Gretchen: “Let’s never talk of tonight again.”
Tamra: “I’ll try, but chances are I’ll always be reminded of it every time I look at Alexis’s honker. I mean, it’s like Gonzo sitting over there.”

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“Is this churro called a Tamra? Because it’s HOT. Like me. I’m like the HOT churro of women. And I taste like cinnamon too. HOT cinnamon, WHICH I AM. Hot, that is. Not cinnamon.”

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“Riddle me this, people. Why did Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a bucket of water? Don’t they have indoor plumbing? I mean, everyone has running water in their homes. Am I right? I’m going to file an investigamative report with Fox.”

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“Wow. She is so dumb.”

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“Excuse me, I’m right here. I can hear everything you’re saying. Gretchen, I would expect you to defend me. I always defend you…”

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Alexis: [crickets]

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“What do you think? It’s like slutty nurse meets slutty PORNSTAR nurse.”

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“You know, that Alexis chick is a real idiot. She thinks she’s getting her nose amputated and that her sinuses are in her gills, which for the record we humans don’t have.”

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“Excuse me. I would like to pass gas.”

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“Oh my God. I can’t believe I just sprouted purple freckles.”
“We drew those on your face.”
“Why would you do that? As if I didn’t have enough to worry about with my nose being surgically removed!”

What did you think about the episode? What did I miss? I feel like I missed a ton.

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23 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Vicki Screams, Gretchen Cries, and Alexis Gets A New Nose

  1. Watching Heather make fun of Alexis’s intelligence makes Heather look really bad. Since she clearly is way way smarter than Alexis she should show some compassion. I think Alexis is not a mean vindictive person she is kinda sweet in a way.
    Vicki is horrible for christ sake be strong for your kid when she is facing cancer, god she is awful. You are right when you say Slade and Vicki are assholes.
    Great recap B-Side!

    • You have to admit it was funny when Heather said that Alexis might need a brain lift.

    • I agree, she is a little dumb and a little simple, but she does have a nice disposition. Tamra always has to have it in for someone.

      • Nice disposition? If by nice you mean uses her religion to excuse being an asshole.

        • Cosign Ginger – if Alexis came off simple but well meaning, I’d have some sympathy for her. But she is completely judgmental, delusional and ignorant…and seems to be perfectly happy and satisfied about being that way (or at least pretends to be). I think Heather is actually biting her tongue and really would like to say wayyyy worse about her, I know I would if I had any interaction with her.

          As much as she sucks at times, Tamra often has a rational perspective that can be a rare gem on this show. I think it comes out when she’s sober.

  2. I think Slade and Vicki just want to hump each other and can’t admit it to themselves…..LOL

  3. I think Vicki set herself up for failure/ridicule when she put her pinky finger through the thumb-hole on those fishnet, fingerless gloves she’s wearing.

    • LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      How are all these women able to find these gloves? Are they back in style? If so…please shoot me. Also, was VIckie wearing Umbros?

    • Alexis: “Let me get this straight: guppies are NOT gay puppies? They’re fish? In what world does THAT make sense?”

      By far the funniest recap ever!

      Is it me or did Eddie look just like he does every other day we see him at the part?

  4. Favorite moment was when the plastic surgeon broke Alexis’ nose, laughed and said “She is going be in pain.”

    Vicki is still vile. Her daughter said it best “It’s always about my mom.”

    hb

  5. I love Vicki’s Caliente thingy. I always debate on buying on online to be funny but I don’t think any of my guests would ever get the joke. They would just wonder why I had some random Caliente thingy in my kitchen.

  6. also, slade is the pissiest little bitch on the show. I don’t think any of the other husband’s have given a rat’s ass about the drama between the ladies except maybe a halfhearted “you’re right, honey. she sucks”

  7. Oh Vickie, oh Vickie…I just so wish she would say to G & S, “You know what? I never should have said anything about your kids and your financial situation last year.” And then NEVER say anything about it again. On the Andy Cohen show last night she tried to talk her way out of things saying, “But Brooks has caught up on his back payments.” This argument holds no water b/c the only difference is that Brooks found a job and Slade didn’t.

    Vickie and Slade also have something else in public which is they both have children with serious illnesses. I wish Gretchen had brought that up during the ‘Bunco Battle’ b/c Vickie is using her daughter’s illness to try to justify her rage and angst, but really Slade is probably the only one who can completely relate to her situation. And I think Slade’s son is much younger, which is horrible.

    The other piece of hypocracy was Tamera and Vicky saying that Slade should NEVER make fun of a woman’s looks, but then a few minutes later Tamera is bashing Gretchen’s nose. WTF???

    And the weird thing is that I usually am on Tam and Gret’s side of things.

    • “On the Andy Cohen show last night she tried to talk her way out of things saying, “But Brooks has caught up on his back payments.” This argument holds no water b/c the only difference is that Brooks found a job and Slade didn’t.”

      The other difference is the fact that Slade (and believe me I don’t like defending that guy because he’s a huge douchelord, but I agree with him when it comes to T & V bashing him all of the time) has a child support order for THOUSANDS of dollars a month. It was based on the salary he used to make. When he was making that money, he paid child support and none of this was an issue. Just because there’s a child support issue – it doesn’t automatically make you a “deadbeat dad”. You have to look at the circumstances. From what I can tell, Slade has never stopped doing things for his children and paying what he can. He just can’t afford the child support at the high rate it used to be.

      I’m just so over most of these women. I know we watch because of the fighting, but I would like there to be more of a balance. Before I would watch and there would be people that I could see myself being friends with and I could laugh at the other idiots. Now they just all seem like petty, idiots.

  8. Oh Vic – try a glycolic acid peel now & then & get rid of the bumps all over your face

  9. Ok, I think maybe the reason that Alexis is freaking out is because she knows that he is going to cut into her face…no? She prides herself on the fact that she has only had fillers and injections on/in her face….

    It was refreshing to see Donn in this episode knowing now that he has Prostate Cancer. I am sure that he and Brianna have now grown closer. Vicki, I really really Don’t like her anymore!

    It’s about time Tamra said that ” that is between you and Gretchen. I am staying out of it”! It is about time you twat! I am wondering what the reunion is going to be like…!!

    • Alexis was going into elective surgery and freaked out.
      Briana was going into surgery to have her thyroid and lymph nodes removed & biopsied for cancer was calm and collected.
      I love Bravo editing.

      hb

  10. Who knew this show could suddenly become so entertaining? Kudos to Gretchen and Tamra for burying the hatchet, they’ve made Vicki and Alexis go nuts with jealousy!

  11. Vicki is vile.
    Alexis is awful.
    Slade is horrid.
    B-Side is funny.

    Did anyone notice Alexis must have had lipliner tattooed on her lips. Going into surgery, with no lip gloss on, she had her lips lined.

  12. LOL I totally love you. Every time you mention the Caliente sign I die. Did you notice she has one that reads “Beach” in her bathroom? Hysterical. Also, the line about guppies made me choke on my wine. You’re the best!!

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