I think we’d all like to forget Slade Smiley’s foray into standup last week (in fact, I think we’d all like to forget Slade Smiley in general), but alas, there appears to be no death for his comedy, which makes sense given his inability to kill it at the Improv. See what I did there? Anyway, this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County dealt mainly with the fallout of Slade’s set, which, for those of you who don’t remember, dealt primarily with making fun of Tamra and Vicki. It was only a matter of time before news of this vicious comedy routine got back to the women, and in fact, the episode kicked off with Heather divulging all to Tamra (despite her assurances that she wasn’t trying to incite drama). Well, this did not make Tamra all too happy, but in a shocking change of behavior, she opted not to launch a bitter war against Gretchen. Instead she called her up and voiced her displeasure. Gretchen totally empathized and claimed she had no idea it was coming, but of course, this was a mere half truth since she pretty much knew Slade had this plan up his sleeve the entire time.
And this highlights once again why Slade is awful. Despite the fact that Gretchen had implored him to not make fun of the women in his horrific act, he went on and did it anyway, which was not only déclassé but totally disrespectful to his girlfriend’s wishes. Of course, the most offensive part was how unfunny the whole bit was, but that’s a whole other issue. At the end of the day, Slade’s night at the Improv merely underscored that he’s still the bitter asshole we remember from season one, and no matter how hard he tries to appear goofy and fun and silly, he’ll always be awful. And unemployed.
Anyway, despite all the things Slade had said, Tamra and Gretchen were still okay. The same couldn’t also have been said for Vicki, who was none too pleased about being compared to Miss Piggy. There had to have been a part of her, however, that enjoyed getting to play the victim card. After all, now she could honk about how she was going through a divorce and her daughter was sick and how this was the last thing she needed. It’s not to say that she wasn’t right (divorce and cancer are no minor stresses), but Vicki clearly relished being able to pull those cards.
The whole thing came to a head at Tamra’s bunco game, which this year had an ’80s theme. I’m sure the irony was not lost on any of the viewers who got to watch these women dress up in ’80s garb as if they don’t wear vestments from 1987 every day anyway. Alexis for one looked more or less the same in her frock, which was basically a standard Alexis Bellino dress minus the manta ray sleeves. I also really enjoyed Gretchen fretting about her crimped hair, saying she thought it looked more ridiculous than her typical Texas-sized coif, which could very well have come from the pages of a 1989 edition of Cosmo.
Heather, meanwhile, once again proved herself to be the least playful of the group by showing up dressed like a Robert Palmer girl. It was a creative workaround for sure, but if she didn’t want to be a Madonna clone or Olivia Newton John devotée, why not go for a Joan Collins dynasty look replete with shoulder pads and a big hat? That would have been much more entertaining.
As for Tamra, you have to give her props for her butt-cheek flashing ode to ’80s aerobics. It was definitely the most scene-stealing costume, and sadly, we all know it’s what she wears on Saturday mornings.
Well, with the booze flowing and the dice rolling, it was only a matter of time before some drama broke out. Enter a random gay dude who tried to start shit between the ladies by yapping about the Improv disaster. He wasn’t even there, and yet he was an expert on everything that happened. This resulted in some friction between Gretchen and Vicki, but Tamra actually managed to shut it down. Wow, this new strain of maturity is really throwing me for a loop.
Ah, but the drama was just beginning. You see, Tamra’s way of shutting up the women was by announcing that there was a surprise. Some HOT men were about to crash the party. I think we were all excited to see some strippers who looked like El Debarge enter the room, but instead, the men were none other than the husbands and boyfriends of the attendees. And that’s when Slade walked in. Now, considering that this guy just took some vicious pot shots at two of the women in the room (including the hostess), you’d think he’d have some self-respect and stay away. But one can never underestimate Slade’s love for the cameras. In he walked in a mullet that looked just a tad bit too perfect on him. This led to Vicki staring at him with devil eyes, and then alas, the show ended. We’ll have to wait for next week to see Vicki lose her shit with Gretchen, which should be appropriately entertaining.
Until then, here’s the photocap:
Heather: “Slade really bombed at the Improv. I don’t think he realized how hard it is to be a standup comic, WHICH I WAS.”
Alexis: “I’m so confused, Doctor. Could you go through it again?”
“Sure. When you see a t, an h, and an e together, they form the word ‘THE.’”
Alexis: “Well, I just came from the doctor. Turns out they don’t need to surgically remove my entire nose to fix my sinuses; so that’s good.”
“What do you think about this skirt? I’m going for an ’80s bolero look.”
“Isn’t that your normal look?”
“This party is really bad timing. I only have one ’80s outfit, and it’s a Miss Piggy costume.”
Gretchen: “Great ’80s costume! I knew that Alexis Couture would come in handy eventually!”
Tamra: “Go ahead. Drum away. Just don’t burn yourself on my HOT ASS. It’s like placing your fingers on a HOT PLATE that’s powered by THE SUN but looks like my ass, but a HOT ass, WHICH IT IS.”
“Isn’t my hair crazy? I was going to wear it like normal, but then I thought that might be too ’80s.”
“Oh my gosh! You’re like elegant ’80s!”
“Yes, well, I’m dressed as a Robert Palmer girl, WHICH I WAS.”
“Guys, Jeana is here and dressed like Lita Ford. Do I let her in?”
Introducing the juding panel for Orange County’s Next Top Model.
“Surprise, ladies! I HAVE GUNS!”
“I cannot believe my husband is here. And he’s dressed like a heavy metal rocker — WHICH I ONCE WAS.”
“I didn’t want to come to this party because it was hosted by Tamra, who I hate, and I knew Vicky would be here, and I hate her too. But then I remembered something: there’d be cameras.”
“Will I be able to do standup? Because I have this really great joke lined up about how women are always complaining and men are always ‘Just chill out!’ Amiright?? It’s gonna kill.”
“Damn that Slade. Damn him for looking so HOT IN A TRASHY MULLET. MOMMA NEEDS A RIDE ON HIS BIKE!”
What did you think about this episode?