After last week’s krunko-Bunco party (and yes, I did just coin that term), things settled down on Tuesday’s Real Housewives of Orange County. We dealt with the aftermath of Briana’s major surgery as well as the more amusing recovery process of Alexis’s minor procedure. It should be noted that while Briana had her janky thyroid and lymph nodes removed — requiring delicate neck surgery — she returned home and slipped into bed with little more than a few bottles of water, a pillow, and her mom doting on her. Alexis, meanwhile, had a full-on nurse to tend to her nose job, and while I believe she was in great pain, it was hard to drum up too much sympathy for her in the wake of Briana’s harrowing hospital experience. Leave it to Alexis to still try to one-up someone else.
About Alexis’s surgery: I made the mistake of actually eating dinner while watching this show, which meant I was mid-chew when the doctor pulled out a long ribbon of mucus (which of course at the time I thought was tissue or flesh). Needless to say, it did not result in a pleasant dining experience for me.
Well, while Alexis recovered with peas on her face (I always sensed she liked getting pea’d on), Tamra explored some cosmetic options of her own. She wanted her implants removed 100%. Previously, when she’d had her last reduction, Simon encouraged her to keep a little somethin’ somethin’ for him to play with, but now that he was no more, Tamra was ready to expunge those silicon reminders of him out of her boobies. Good for her. Besides, I think we all could sense Eddie’s displeasure at not having the largest tits in the relationship.
When not focusing on medical developments (which weren’t too great in Briana’s case), the show followed Heather and her pipe dream idea of opening fine dining in Orange County. All the great restaurants are in Los Angeles, you see, and it was her ambition to bring LA dining to the OC. Oh, and also find a place for her and her friends to hang out in too. Personally, I think a club membership is a bit more wise, but if you feel like sinking a few mil into a sure-to-fail eatery, be my guest. Let’s just hope Heather doesn’t call upon the consulting services of Peter Thomas, he of Atlanta’s Bar One and Uptown Club.
Actually, Heather brought Tamra and Vicki up to LA to join her friends as they chatted with a successful restauranteur, and of course, leave it to Heather to employ a helicopter for the commute. At only thirty minutes, they certainly arrived much faster than the lowly limos on the 405, but let’s be honest — it doesn’t take two hours by car in the mid-morning to get from Newport to LA. That being said, I want to ride in a helicopter pls.
Well, the restauranteur offered up lots of advice, starting with the notion that if six women were going into business together, they should probably sign an agreement. BUT THEY IS FRIENDS!!! THEY DON’T NEED NO AGREEMENT!!! Cut to the next Bravo reality show, tentatively titled: “Six Women Who Will Soon Hate Each Other.” Of course, that could be the name of any of these Housewives shows, but at least SWWWSHEO will take place in a restaurant! I’m in!
Anyway, Vicki seemed to be the only one with any sense of the impending doom, and of course Heather hated her for it. Why she gotta be so negative? Why can’t she support me? Because it’s a DUMB idea. Clearly, the only reason Heather wants to open a restaurant is so that she finally has a safe haven where she can eat dinner and not have menus presented to her that are already open. I can already imagine her training her staff with the ABC’s of menus: “ALWAYS BE CLOSED.”
In the end, Tamra and Vicki headed back down to Orange County, surprised that Heather’s friends were actually nice and supportive of each other. What a concept! This, of course, didn’t inspire Tamra or Vicki to perhaps become nice and supportive in their daily lives, but honestly, who wants to be THAT?
“I’d like to get my implants removed. And if possible, I’d like to replace them with Skittles.”
“I hope that measuring tape is heat resistant because there’s a lot of HOTNESS coming off my HOT chest. Thank God I’m getting rid of these implants — it’s almost too much HOTNESS to bare. I mean, does the sun need big boobs? No. Because it’s so HOT. Like ME. I’m like the SUN of WOMEN.”
“Great news, Alexis. The surgery went perfectly. We removed your nose and replaced it with a Kohler Faucet.”
“WHAT? WHY? HOW????”
“Who’s ready to pretend they have talent??”
Gretchen: “I don’t know if I can do this.”
Slade: “Shhhh honey. Daddy’s getting a boner.”
“Okay, I know I’ve SEEN a phone before, but how do I USE it?”
“Honey, I know you’re comfortable in our hideously purple bed, but it’s time to eat your carrots.”
“Will you feed them to me?”
“Only two. And then I have to rush to the Ed Hardy sale.”
“Sweetie, do you want some water?”
“Some ice cream?”
“What about water?”
“I already said no.”
“Okay. And we’re still going with no deodorant?”
“Yes you want deodorant? Or yes you still don’t want it.”
“You could use some deodorant.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Maybe some perfume?”
“Well, Briana, I’m sorry, but if you want me to stop, you’ll just have to go and WORK. YOU DON’T WORK.”
Tamra: “Oh my GOD! This is so cool!!! I feel like I’m in Air Wolf!!!”
Heather: “I actually WAS in Air Wolf. Air Wolfing is my biggest passion — next to big band, of course.”
“I see Los Angeles. And IT’S FULL OF PEOPLE WHO NEVER WORK!!!!!”
Heather: “Omg I love playing pretend Apprentice!”
Guy: “If you ladies want to start a restaurant, you need a consultant, a manager, a chef, permits, a designer — and that’s just to get the doors open.”
Jaye: “Or maaaaybe we can just, like, go there and HANG out!”
Girls: “Yeah!!!! Problem solved!”
Gretchen: “Honey, my hair caught on fire!”
Slade: “That’s so funny because I just realized my true calling in life: to be a firefighter!”
“Really? I thought you wanted to be a comedian.”
“I did, but then I realized I wasn’t funny.”
“Aw, I’m proud of you for finally realizing that honey.”
“Just kidding. I’M HILARIO!!! Now let’s just wait for Jay Leno to call.”
“Shhhh. Can’t hear the phone ringing.”
“It’s not ri–“
Doctor: “It’s an honor to treat you, Darkman.”
Vicki: “The day these women successfully open a restaurant is the day Slade gets a job.”
Vicki: “The day these women successfully open a restaurant is the day Alexis gets through Goodnight Moon in one sitting.”
Vicki: “The day these women successfully open a restaurant is the day Jeana Keough gets invited to pose for Playboy again!”
Tamra: “FAT ZING!!!”
Vicki: “The day these women successfully open a restaurant is the day Florida police actually arrest George Zimmerman!”
Vicki: “The day these women successfully open a restaurant is the day Mitt Romney actually shows some personality!”
“I DON’T FOLLOW POLITICS ZING!!!”
“The day these women successfully open a restaurant is the day the House Fiduciary Committee can broker an agreement between–“
“SERIOUSLY Vicki THIS IS GOING OVER MY HEAD ZIIIING!!!!”
“The day these women successfully open a restaurant is the day that Gretchen stops being a bitch!”
“THAT’S MORE LIKE IT ZING!!!”
What did you think about the episode? Is Heather being naive about opening a restaurant?